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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

An update- struggling with my trans friend.

140 replies

Llamallamadingdong · 26/10/2025 17:54

An update to my previous thread which many of you kindly commented on.

I finally told my friend that I don’t feel comfortable helping him shop for women’s clothes.

The first response I got was “well I’m going to cancel my next gender clinic appointment then as you obviously don’t think I’m on the right path”.

I stayed calm, stated that if my friend does feel that they are the wrong gender, they shouldn’t need my (or anyone else’s) validation to follow what they feel is right for them.

I then got a bit of emotional blackmail on Friday night which I ignored and then last night at 1am got a long essay about why I need to give reasons that I am uncomfortable about it. I didn’t reply as I was a) asleep and b) rattled by that demand.

I replied saying that in my heart I don’t feel it is possible to change gender as regardless of the hormones we take or clothes we choose to wear, nothing can change our DNA on a chromosomal level. I am a scientist and I believe…well…science.

I also said that I feel uncomfortable about the agenda of some trans people towards women who dare to question them and that I feel women’s rights are being eroded in some cases by the behaviour of some (not all). Clearly had my weetabix this morning as I wouldn’t normally be this confrontational.

The outcome: I was told I am a “normal” women who has been corrupted by terfs on the internet and listen to the “bile that they spew on social media”. I was also subsequently called a TERF and told that I need to spend more time with trans people so I can properly understand them and that I should know him well enough that he doesn’t have any agenda.

I haven’t replied, he is now spamming me with the same messages to my WhatsApp and texts. I feel so conflicted. Part of me wants to just block and delete and the other part of me is shaking with anger.

OP posts:
Thistooshallpsss · 26/10/2025 17:57

Emperors new clothes

MsPavlichenko · 26/10/2025 17:58

Well done on standing your ground. Block him, and try to put it behind you. His behaviour is abusive. If he gets round the block take further action by logging it with the police if necessary.

RaininSummer · 26/10/2025 18:08

You don't have to pander to his delusions or mental health issues. Well done for speaking up. Maybe it will help him in the long run if he realises that no type of clothes or make up is likely to make people think he is a woman let alone magically make him one.

Jan039 · 26/10/2025 18:08

I always struggle to decide which are the most entitled group of men - cyclists or transwomen.

I don't think there's any point replying in anger. You'll find block and delete will irk him much more because it's attention he craves.

MarvellousMonsters · 26/10/2025 18:15

Wow, well done you for stating your reasons, and holding that boundary when he became (predictably) angry. He’s shown you who and what he is, an entitled bully of a man who is having a tantrum because he hasn’t got his own way. Mute or block him and carry on with your life.

As an aside, if you do get drawn back into conversation with him or anyone else about this, please use ‘sex’ not ‘gender’. Gender is a social construct, sex is the biological reality. Your (ex) friend can adopt any gender he likes, he’ll always be biologically male. His sex will not change.

Branleuse · 26/10/2025 18:19

Better to be corrupted by internet terfs than be corrupted by internet porn.

VaddaABeetch · 26/10/2025 18:20

You don’t owe him answers
You dont’t owe him explanations
You don’t owe him apologies
You are not a prop in his delusion
if he wants to cancel appointments let him at it.

I’d block him.

HopingForTheBest25 · 26/10/2025 18:20

I wouldn't go down the blocking route with someone I cared about at this stage, if I knew them to be a basically decent person, who didn't have an agenda to access women's spaces for bad reasons. Not every trans person is threat or trying to take something from us. The ones to block are the TRAs who want to play in women's sports or take positions set aside for women to achieve representation and equality, not the loved friend who wants help to shop.
Ultimately he has a right to present himself to the world as he sees fit and it's okay to support that (imo).
What you shouldn't do (also imo) is indulge any notion that he is actually a woman or that he can change sex.
If you can agree to disagree then it might be possible to navigate this and still retain the relationship. It depends on whether he's amenable to respecting your views. Talk directly, not via messages and see if it can be resolved.

VaddaABeetch · 26/10/2025 18:21

HopingForTheBest25 · 26/10/2025 18:20

I wouldn't go down the blocking route with someone I cared about at this stage, if I knew them to be a basically decent person, who didn't have an agenda to access women's spaces for bad reasons. Not every trans person is threat or trying to take something from us. The ones to block are the TRAs who want to play in women's sports or take positions set aside for women to achieve representation and equality, not the loved friend who wants help to shop.
Ultimately he has a right to present himself to the world as he sees fit and it's okay to support that (imo).
What you shouldn't do (also imo) is indulge any notion that he is actually a woman or that he can change sex.
If you can agree to disagree then it might be possible to navigate this and still retain the relationship. It depends on whether he's amenable to respecting your views. Talk directly, not via messages and see if it can be resolved.

Yeah but he’s trying to emotionally blackmail the OP & use her as a prop in his fantasies.

WhamBamThankU · 26/10/2025 18:24

You’ve held your own really well by the sound of it! Don’t give in to further blackmailing, it only fuels them.

mysoulmio · 26/10/2025 18:24

Tell him he's behaving like a typical abusive male by spamming you and trying to browser you into submission and trying to compelling your thoughts and speech and actual women dont behave like that.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 26/10/2025 18:25

Well done for being true to yourself, it takes courage. I think it depends whether you want to have a continued friendship with this man, as to how you handle it. He will probably seek some form of concession from you now as he will be angry if he thinks you have ignored his communications. I would stand my ground and be prepared to block/deal with a slighted narcissist.

mysoulmio · 26/10/2025 18:25

Browbeat

Mumteedum · 26/10/2025 18:38

Jan039 · 26/10/2025 18:08

I always struggle to decide which are the most entitled group of men - cyclists or transwomen.

I don't think there's any point replying in anger. You'll find block and delete will irk him much more because it's attention he craves.

That's like a venn diagram with Jeremy Vine in the middle.

Seriously though @Llamallamadingdong I don't know how you could maintain a friendship with him really. He is demanding support from you in a way that is uncomfortable for you. You don't respect him and he doesn't respect you.

ConverseAddict · 26/10/2025 18:43

Sounds like he wants you to be completely submissive to him. Funny how they still show you their typical male behaviours.
the ‘I’m cancelling my appointment’ sounds like DARVO behaviour to me, whatever you do you need to step back away from him.

Original poster
Llamallamadingdong · 26/10/2025 19:41

I’ve sort of surprised myself by standing my ground. Normally I’ll go along with something I don’t necessarily agree with because I don’t want the other person to feel discomfort.

I don’t think we can be friends now, I’m still getting bombarded by messages, the most recent of which is likening the plight of the transwomen to the plight of the Jewish people (WTF?!).

DH thinks it’s all a bit sinister and that I’m probably best off out of it.

OP posts:
Lovelyview · 26/10/2025 19:48

You sound great OP. Cancelling an appointment at a gender clinic sounds a bit dramatic. Do you think your friend wants a way out of his trans identity? He sounds like hard work and has been pretty rude. I think you're brave to be so clear and logical with him. I fudge around with the non binary young people I know. I've never come out and said it's all absolute nonsense. I suppose all trans ideation - in my view - is a mental health problem. And people who are in mental distress can be very nasty to those who they are close to. I hope your friend can get some help with his distress but I don't think you are obliged to put up with it.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 26/10/2025 23:21

Llamallamadingdong · 26/10/2025 19:41

I’ve sort of surprised myself by standing my ground. Normally I’ll go along with something I don’t necessarily agree with because I don’t want the other person to feel discomfort.

I don’t think we can be friends now, I’m still getting bombarded by messages, the most recent of which is likening the plight of the transwomen to the plight of the Jewish people (WTF?!).

DH thinks it’s all a bit sinister and that I’m probably best off out of it.

DH is right.

ninjahamster · 26/10/2025 23:24

You need to block them. You are not compatible as friends and they need to be around people who can support them on their journey.
You have opposing views so this friendship has run its course.

user2848502016 · 26/10/2025 23:27

He says he’s a woman but he’s acting like a toxic male as soon as you’ve said no to him.
Just block him

thecatfromneptune · 26/10/2025 23:30

Block and delete - he sounds awful. Emotionally blackmailing, energy sucking and childish - he sounds so disrespectful. I could not be doing with any of those things he’s said and it would be a friendship-ender for me! Don’t engage!

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/10/2025 23:31

They sound like hard work OP,

A MN standard but true.

An absolute piece of work in fact.

There is nothing worse than shopping for clothes with a friend and I only do it for weddings or extreme emotional crisis - this one will run and run so you do not want to go there, take a BIG step away. Make up a personal crisis if you have to.

Hiptothisjive · 26/10/2025 23:36

Llamallamadingdong · 26/10/2025 19:41

I’ve sort of surprised myself by standing my ground. Normally I’ll go along with something I don’t necessarily agree with because I don’t want the other person to feel discomfort.

I don’t think we can be friends now, I’m still getting bombarded by messages, the most recent of which is likening the plight of the transwomen to the plight of the Jewish people (WTF?!).

DH thinks it’s all a bit sinister and that I’m probably best off out of it.

You can’t argue with crazy or stupid. And being trans has nothing to do with either of those things - he has shown his true colours thats all.

Jammington · 26/10/2025 23:37

Anyone truly secure in their beliefs wouldn't be so obviously disturbed by someone disagreeing with them.

It's up to you, but I think I'd send a final 'I wish you well X, but I'm not okay with you sending me insults and emotional manupulation. You aren't a Jewish person during the Holocaust FFS. Let's call it a day now.' type text & if he continues, block.

Shutuptrevor · 26/10/2025 23:41

I think I would reply and say that I wish him a life full of joy and peace but that regretfully, I can’t be the friend he needs at this point in time and am finding his behaviour unreasonable, upsetting and bordering on harassment now and so will be bowing out of the friendship at this time.

If you can’t face the drama of blocking, you could try muting and archiving on whatsapp, and/or setting up a rule to send emails from him to junk/trash.