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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

An update- struggling with my trans friend.

140 replies

Llamallamadingdong · 26/10/2025 17:54

An update to my previous thread which many of you kindly commented on.

I finally told my friend that I don’t feel comfortable helping him shop for women’s clothes.

The first response I got was “well I’m going to cancel my next gender clinic appointment then as you obviously don’t think I’m on the right path”.

I stayed calm, stated that if my friend does feel that they are the wrong gender, they shouldn’t need my (or anyone else’s) validation to follow what they feel is right for them.

I then got a bit of emotional blackmail on Friday night which I ignored and then last night at 1am got a long essay about why I need to give reasons that I am uncomfortable about it. I didn’t reply as I was a) asleep and b) rattled by that demand.

I replied saying that in my heart I don’t feel it is possible to change gender as regardless of the hormones we take or clothes we choose to wear, nothing can change our DNA on a chromosomal level. I am a scientist and I believe…well…science.

I also said that I feel uncomfortable about the agenda of some trans people towards women who dare to question them and that I feel women’s rights are being eroded in some cases by the behaviour of some (not all). Clearly had my weetabix this morning as I wouldn’t normally be this confrontational.

The outcome: I was told I am a “normal” women who has been corrupted by terfs on the internet and listen to the “bile that they spew on social media”. I was also subsequently called a TERF and told that I need to spend more time with trans people so I can properly understand them and that I should know him well enough that he doesn’t have any agenda.

I haven’t replied, he is now spamming me with the same messages to my WhatsApp and texts. I feel so conflicted. Part of me wants to just block and delete and the other part of me is shaking with anger.

OP posts:
chattyness · 26/10/2025 23:52

Block and delete, for your own sanity. We have had very similar problems with my DH's brother who now wants to be sister, this has been going on for a number of years now, constant demands for validation, endless phone calls goading my TH trying to get him to misgender him (we think he was recording it as we could hear him being egged on by the non binary girlfriend in the back ground) angry texts & letters with bizarre photos of himself looking "pretty" with flowers in his balding hair. 😖Thankfully we have 100's of miles between us or there would be visits as well, he used to pester us a lot when we lived in the same area & that was bad enough before he decided he was trans 🙄 We blocked him and ignored the letters. Not heard from him in about a year now, but he will try again, he always does. There is more to this story but too outing to post here.
My point is unless you block now it will just keep escalating and drain the life out you .

potpourree · 27/10/2025 00:01

Is he taking hormones because he, like you, thinks being a woman has something to do with having a female body?

Enough4me · 27/10/2025 00:06

He obviously knows he's making it up. If he's a woman then the world is flat.

He's just a man expecting a performance from you in order to please him. You saying no has set him a challenge. He's not going to admit the truth and you're not going to lie so what's the point of seeing him🤷

Namelessnelly · 27/10/2025 06:10

HopingForTheBest25 · 26/10/2025 18:20

I wouldn't go down the blocking route with someone I cared about at this stage, if I knew them to be a basically decent person, who didn't have an agenda to access women's spaces for bad reasons. Not every trans person is threat or trying to take something from us. The ones to block are the TRAs who want to play in women's sports or take positions set aside for women to achieve representation and equality, not the loved friend who wants help to shop.
Ultimately he has a right to present himself to the world as he sees fit and it's okay to support that (imo).
What you shouldn't do (also imo) is indulge any notion that he is actually a woman or that he can change sex.
If you can agree to disagree then it might be possible to navigate this and still retain the relationship. It depends on whether he's amenable to respecting your views. Talk directly, not via messages and see if it can be resolved.

So what non bad reason can a man have for entering women’s spaces when they have been told doing so causes women distress and upset? .

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/10/2025 06:12

’i haven’t read all of these texts but this is clearly harassment and the very last thing it makes me want to do is go shopping with you. You cannot change my mind by yelling at me, if you keep harassing me I will have to block you.

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 06:13

How old are you op?

ForCraftyWriter · 27/10/2025 06:14

@Llamallamadingdong i think he needed your validation at the appointment to convince that small part of his mind that what he was doing was right and reasonable. Deep down he’s clearly unsure or unconvinced.

TheaBrandt1 · 27/10/2025 06:18

Wow he’s certainly not going to have any friends left if that’s how he treats them!

99s message is good.

OurFavouritePlace · 27/10/2025 06:18

So, just another controlling, manipulative, angry man who wants to tell women what to do and think. I think you should stay away from him.

Weekendwatch · 27/10/2025 06:21

OurFavouritePlace · 27/10/2025 06:18

So, just another controlling, manipulative, angry man who wants to tell women what to do and think. I think you should stay away from him.

And just another woman that indulges it

Seriestwo · 27/10/2025 06:22

Tell him that terfs are great company. The ones I know are a hoot

Namelessnelly · 27/10/2025 06:24

ForCraftyWriter · 27/10/2025 06:14

@Llamallamadingdong i think he needed your validation at the appointment to convince that small part of his mind that what he was doing was right and reasonable. Deep down he’s clearly unsure or unconvinced.

He needed her validation for the same reason males with a trans identity won’t use unisex spaces. They need the validation of unconsenting women to make the experience worth it. I think OP said there were many in the circle who validated his identity. Why not go shopping with one of them? Because he needs the power to force OP to pretend she sees him as a woman. My ex and his friends were exactly the same. I’d block him OP. He will only carry on ranting until you give in.

VaddaABeetch · 27/10/2025 06:35

ninjahamster · 26/10/2025 23:24

You need to block them. You are not compatible as friends and they need to be around people who can support them on their journey.
You have opposing views so this friendship has run its course.

Edited

Support them on their journey?

I thought there was only one friend Who is they?

What journey? The one to the gender clinic? Why would a grown man need support to travel a few miles?

Very confused now.

periperiwinkle · 27/10/2025 06:52

@Llamallamadingdong I think your reply to him was brilliant. Polite, honest, measured, factual, not at all unkind to him or anyone. It’s what I wish I could tell a friend right (not trans themselves) now but haven’t the guts. Not telling my friend what I think about this issue is really eating me up because I love her but I know we don’t agree on this issue and I don’t think she will accept my position on this as there is a trans person close to her in her life.
So well done for being upfront. The fact him following through with his gender clinic appointment hinges on your opinion shows me how flimsy his ‘identity’ is. If I have a medical need for something, I don’t need my friend’s agreement in order to do it. He sounds extremely insecure and needs help - but it doesn’t have to be yours.

TheaBrandt1 · 27/10/2025 06:55

Yelling at and sending aggressive texts to someone that declines to go shopping with you is very “womanly” behaviour isn’t it !? 🙄

Gruffporcupine · 27/10/2025 06:56

Why on earth are you friends with this guy? I think I commented on your last thread. He's trying to involve you in his buffalo billesque cosplay fun. Why would you even entertain him?

Wowthatwasabigstep · 27/10/2025 07:01

Block the idiot, friendships should enhance your life not be a millstone around your neck.

He believes he is above biological fact and can become a woman and because you are not affirming his delusion he has become abusive. There is little
point arguing with the profoundly stupid, instead focus your energies on nipping this nonsense in the bud at every opportunity.

Leave him to his sad little life and don’t look back.

Icyzebra3 · 27/10/2025 07:05

The thing with friends is
You actually choose them...unlike family ,we are not stuck with them ,we can choose to not be friends.
Which after all the abuse you have just received,I would be having nothing more to do with that man

Gassylady · 27/10/2025 07:09

Why would you continue to indulge someone who is harassing you. Exactly as you said if he knows he is a woman then off to the clinic he goes why is his next appointment linked to your “approval” The situation a transwidow finds herself in is dreadful- legally linked to this madness. Just tell him to stop messaging about this topic, if he doesnt respect that boundary them time to block him.

Inertia · 27/10/2025 07:13

He’d earmarked you as a human prop in his validation. Sounds like he doesn’t now have anyone to indulge his fantasies, and is displaying typical male pattern anger and harassment.

You don’t owe him anything. I think I would send a final message saying that you consider the angry and abusive nature of his messages to be harassment, and he must stop contacting you.

ParmaVioletTea · 27/10/2025 07:14

He’s showing you who he is.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/10/2025 07:25

You are doing well to stay cool and calm, but why bother? Why not match your emotional energy to his?

Nothing abusive, obviously, but focussing on YOUR distress, someone you thought was a friend is sending long ranting messages accusing you of all sorts, just because you want to shop for clothes and don’t think people can change sex.

Match his energy. Make clear that you have emotions and are distressed and can’t believe what you thought was a genuine friendship was actually all about using you for your shopping ability! Being sent multiple aggressive texts because you can’t back him up!

I would love to see what happens. I sometimes think we do ourselves and them disservice when we stay calm. It allows them to play victim when actually they are the aggressor. Be a footballer. Fall to the floor howling and clutching your knee.

Zonder · 27/10/2025 07:34

Mumteedum · 26/10/2025 18:38

That's like a venn diagram with Jeremy Vine in the middle.

Seriously though @Llamallamadingdong I don't know how you could maintain a friendship with him really. He is demanding support from you in a way that is uncomfortable for you. You don't respect him and he doesn't respect you.

Show quote history

Is JV a trans woman? I missed that somehow!

Well done OP. I'm sure it is hard but you're handling it calmly and sensibly.

DiaAssolellat · 27/10/2025 07:35

ConverseAddict · 26/10/2025 18:43

Sounds like he wants you to be completely submissive to him. Funny how they still show you their typical male behaviours.
the ‘I’m cancelling my appointment’ sounds like DARVO behaviour to me, whatever you do you need to step back away from him.

Yes. He’s probably a narcissist.

TransSister · 27/10/2025 07:37

chattyness · 26/10/2025 23:52

Block and delete, for your own sanity. We have had very similar problems with my DH's brother who now wants to be sister, this has been going on for a number of years now, constant demands for validation, endless phone calls goading my TH trying to get him to misgender him (we think he was recording it as we could hear him being egged on by the non binary girlfriend in the back ground) angry texts & letters with bizarre photos of himself looking "pretty" with flowers in his balding hair. 😖Thankfully we have 100's of miles between us or there would be visits as well, he used to pester us a lot when we lived in the same area & that was bad enough before he decided he was trans 🙄 We blocked him and ignored the letters. Not heard from him in about a year now, but he will try again, he always does. There is more to this story but too outing to post here.
My point is unless you block now it will just keep escalating and drain the life out you .

We have a trans identifying brother who now often sends us pictures of himself standing next to random women - colleagues, pub regulars, old school friends. They often look like they are trying too hard to look 'happy'. It feels like my brother is using them as warm props in his 'i'm a lady' internal life.
@Llamallamadingdong Can I ask how your friendship happened and how it's evolved.

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