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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

An update- struggling with my trans friend.

140 replies

Llamallamadingdong · 26/10/2025 17:54

An update to my previous thread which many of you kindly commented on.

I finally told my friend that I don’t feel comfortable helping him shop for women’s clothes.

The first response I got was “well I’m going to cancel my next gender clinic appointment then as you obviously don’t think I’m on the right path”.

I stayed calm, stated that if my friend does feel that they are the wrong gender, they shouldn’t need my (or anyone else’s) validation to follow what they feel is right for them.

I then got a bit of emotional blackmail on Friday night which I ignored and then last night at 1am got a long essay about why I need to give reasons that I am uncomfortable about it. I didn’t reply as I was a) asleep and b) rattled by that demand.

I replied saying that in my heart I don’t feel it is possible to change gender as regardless of the hormones we take or clothes we choose to wear, nothing can change our DNA on a chromosomal level. I am a scientist and I believe…well…science.

I also said that I feel uncomfortable about the agenda of some trans people towards women who dare to question them and that I feel women’s rights are being eroded in some cases by the behaviour of some (not all). Clearly had my weetabix this morning as I wouldn’t normally be this confrontational.

The outcome: I was told I am a “normal” women who has been corrupted by terfs on the internet and listen to the “bile that they spew on social media”. I was also subsequently called a TERF and told that I need to spend more time with trans people so I can properly understand them and that I should know him well enough that he doesn’t have any agenda.

I haven’t replied, he is now spamming me with the same messages to my WhatsApp and texts. I feel so conflicted. Part of me wants to just block and delete and the other part of me is shaking with anger.

OP posts:
AtomicPumpkin · 27/10/2025 14:59

Mumteedum · 26/10/2025 18:38

That's like a venn diagram with Jeremy Vine in the middle.

Seriously though @Llamallamadingdong I don't know how you could maintain a friendship with him really. He is demanding support from you in a way that is uncomfortable for you. You don't respect him and he doesn't respect you.

Show quote history

That's like a venn diagram with Jeremy Vine in the middle.

Brilliant!

LIZS · 27/10/2025 15:20

You don’t need to justify yourself or apologise to him. He wants you to reflect his agenda and validate his view of himself. Time to block and move on.

TransSister · 27/10/2025 16:40

Llamallamadingdong · 27/10/2025 13:15

I am 38.

Our friendship happened as we used to work together, I always thought he was a bit vulnerable, drinks a lot, gets very depressed, doesn’t have many friends etc so I’ve always tried to be supportive of him as I’ve worried about this vulnerability.

We’ve known eachother about 10 years (no longer work together) and the trans situation first came apparent about 3 years ago when he was very drunk one night, called me upset and said I was the only one he could tell that he believes he is actually female.

I’d say at that time I wasn’t particularly clued up about trans issues etc and very much took an each to their own approach and so whilst I essentially supported his wishes to explore this in more detail he didn’t really want to do much about it other than order women’s clothes online and wear makeup at home.

Earlier in the year (after a year of waiting) he got a gender clinic appointment. The clinic have challenged him that in order to be fully diagnosed as gender dysphoric he needs to a) tell more than one person- I am currently the only person who knows other than the medics. And b) take steps to affirm his female identity.

He was putting a lot of pressure on me to go shopping for girly clothes and makeup (something I hate doing!) and started with the emotional blackmail when I said I couldn’t make it. It’s escalated from there and he’s pushed me so much with the manipulation that I’ve ended up being honest about my thoughts and feelings which he has taken issue with.

Show quote history

Trigger warning: I will talk about a threat of suicide.

Thank you for explaining. I know it's not the same person but there are lots of similarities in your first paragraphs.

My brother also contacted ex colleagues for support, maybe there's something in the hierarchy, the rules of politeness and problem solving in the work place that makes everyone vulnerable to these later cries for help.
My brother also seems to take from these relationships with previously forgotten uni friends, ex colleagues, old neighbours. Never gives back, won't bother to remember new partners names or ask after your kids. It will always be about him.

I have to warn you that my brother has threatened suicide but sent this warning to about a dozen people, some really quite remote in geography and contact. He clearly never intended to carry it out. It was a massive cry for help, which he subsequently refused for all of those he contacted in that moment. We were all shocked but the subsequent group chat without him was illuminating since we had all been told quite different stories.

Our brother also has a way of finding people to help who are optimistically kind or tied to a professional code of ethics. He absolutely does take advantage of some brilliant people and he does it ruthlessly and without any thoughts about their feelings.

I wish you well and hope you can work out what's best for you and those that actually deserve your kind energy.

Hoppinggreen · 27/10/2025 16:57

Gosh these men REALLY do not like a woman having boundaries do they?
Dress or no dress they are all the bloody same

Hoardasurass · 27/10/2025 18:27

HopingForTheBest25 · 27/10/2025 07:59

@Namelessnellyback in the day, there were trans people who used the women's loo just because they felt safer/more comfortable there. Of course we noticed, but they had no intention of harming us, they weren't trying to make us uncomfortable or use us for validation. I used to just politely ignore and move on. It wasn't a big deal. Those people still exist. It just all went pear shaped when you had the aggressive men, who hate women and want access as a means of control or to get to vulnerable women r who were playing out their fetishes and demanding access as their right.

Now if OP's friend had been the former type (but a bit captured ) then the relationship could be saved.

But if he's the latter and won't accept 'agree to disagree' or has gone full blown TRA, then yes, obviously block and delete.

Women were absolutely right to push back on the self ID nonsense giving rights of access to men. I just also think that we do need to remember the old style trans person still exits - the ones who would never have said they were actual women. They too have been damaged by the TRA madness.

It doesn't matter what the man's in the women's single sex spaces intentions are he shouldn't never have been there as hes a man! The women's facilities are got women not men and quite frankly how safe or comfortable he feels in the women's compared to the men's is also irrelevant, women aren't human shields or comfort/service people.
No man whether the old school trans identifying male or the new type belong anywhere the women's.
As for the so called damage that has been done to the old type tough they had the choice to call out the bull shit that the TRAs have been spreading along with all the abuse directed at women or stay silent and take the rights stolen from women and they chose to stay silent. The fact that they are now suffering the same blow back as the rest of these men is fair and justified IMHO

LondonGirrrrl · 27/10/2025 22:00

It sounds like you’re being harassed.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 28/10/2025 08:39

This has gone too far. I'd block him

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 28/10/2025 08:46

Block him on everything.

lemonraspberry · 28/10/2025 08:48

There is supporting him (which includes not agreeing) and there is validating his life choices. You can support him but are totally within your rights to not validate him.

this impasse has been reached as he wants (demands) your validation and has conflated the two to give him the ‘support’ he wants.

VoodooQualities · 28/10/2025 09:32

Sounds like a whole load of typical male behaviour to me.

Original poster
Llamallamadingdong · 28/10/2025 17:27

Wanted to say thankyou for everyone’s thoughts on the situation. I’ve blocked and deleted but feeling a bit guilty for doing so (people pleasing tendencies never end it seems!)

OP posts:
OpheliaWitchoftheWoods · 28/10/2025 17:35

Have a good read up on boundaries OP, you'll feel better. This one's often recommended too : the genre studied is estranged parents, but the behaviour is absolutely standard to many other groups of people https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/dysfunctional-beliefs.html

Dysfunctional Beliefs That Are Common in Estranged Parents' Forums | Issendai.com

Estranged parents' forums encourage a plethora of beliefs that guarantee parents will have difficult relationships with their children.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/dysfunctional-beliefs.html

Daleksatemyshed · 28/10/2025 17:38

You don't have to be a people pleaser to be a good person Op, far better for you to learn to stand your ground when someone asks too much from you, it will make your life easier and happier.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 28/10/2025 17:42

Llamallamadingdong · 28/10/2025 17:27

Wanted to say thankyou for everyone’s thoughts on the situation. I’ve blocked and deleted but feeling a bit guilty for doing so (people pleasing tendencies never end it seems!)

Well done for sticking to your boundaries ❤️

Anarkandanaardvark · 02/11/2025 19:02

Well done on not allowing him to erode your boundaries!

The clinic have challenged him that in order to be fully diagnosed as gender dysphoric he needs to a) tell more than one person- I am currently the only person who knows other than the medics. And b) take steps to affirm his female identity.
I am no clinician but this sounds really dodgy to me. Why is the clinic saying that gender dysphoria (an internal feeling) needs to be validated by external actions? And why do these actions involve using others as support humans?

ConverseAddict · 02/11/2025 19:59

Anarkandanaardvark · 02/11/2025 19:02

Well done on not allowing him to erode your boundaries!

The clinic have challenged him that in order to be fully diagnosed as gender dysphoric he needs to a) tell more than one person- I am currently the only person who knows other than the medics. And b) take steps to affirm his female identity.
I am no clinician but this sounds really dodgy to me. Why is the clinic saying that gender dysphoria (an internal feeling) needs to be validated by external actions? And why do these actions involve using others as support humans?

I think this has been the standard treatment for a long time.

DH had a colleague 20 years ago who had to ‘live as a woman’ for a full year, including at work and all activities. I suppose this was to prove that they were genuine/committed.
This man detransitioned within a few years despite having the full surgery though, because guess what he didn’t become a woman nor did people see him as such. He was just gay and unhappy.

GaIadrieI · 06/11/2025 19:54

I always struggle to decide which are the most entitled group of men - cyclists or transwomen.

As somebody who often has to drive large plant vehicles around the countryside I'm saying cyclists. 😂

I know they have equal right to be on the road as I do, but after crawling along staring at a lycra clad arse for 10 long minutes with dozens of irate car drivers behind me I often find myself questioning why they couldn't possibly just pull into a layby for a couple of seconds.

It's downright dangerous as cars often can't see the cyclist in front until they overtake, at which point they suddenly find themselves on the wrong side of the road with oncoming traffic hurtling towards them and being unable to pull back over due to the offending MAMIL.

GaIadrieI · 06/11/2025 19:57

ConverseAddict · 02/11/2025 19:59

I think this has been the standard treatment for a long time.

DH had a colleague 20 years ago who had to ‘live as a woman’ for a full year, including at work and all activities. I suppose this was to prove that they were genuine/committed.
This man detransitioned within a few years despite having the full surgery though, because guess what he didn’t become a woman nor did people see him as such. He was just gay and unhappy.

Show quote history

Wasn't it two years 'living as a woman' to get a GRC?

Namelessnelly · 06/11/2025 21:47

So how does one “live as a woman”? I bet for these men it doesn’t involve doing most of the housework, childcare, caring for elderly relatives, carrying the mental load for the household and often working as well. They never seem to want that bit of “womanhood”.

ConverseAddict · 06/11/2025 21:51

@GaIadrieIi don’t know if he has a GRC, this will be 18 years ago now, the year was to get surgery.

periperiwinkle · 06/11/2025 23:26

Are you ok @Llamallamadingdong ? Just wondered if you’d heard any more from your friend or if your assertiveness has put an end to it.

periperiwinkle · 06/11/2025 23:26

Are you ok @Llamallamadingdong ? Just wondered if you’d heard any more from your friend or if your assertiveness has put an end to it.

periperiwinkle · 06/11/2025 23:26

Are you ok @Llamallamadingdong ? Just wondered if you’d heard any more from your friend or if your assertiveness has put an end to it.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 06/11/2025 23:29

VoodooQualities · 28/10/2025 09:32

Sounds like a whole load of typical male behaviour to me.

I was going to post the same, a bundle of male entitlement.

op, dont feed his need for validation from you. You do nit have to explain your reasons. Keep it short. He wants a battle and a win.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 06/11/2025 23:36

He has a huge amount of projection going on here. Pressurising the OP to be his sole validator, and then stropping to say ‘well, FINE THEN, I’ll cancel my appointment.’

i see you’ve already blocked him. I’m not sure I’d have done the same (but I think you are perfectly entitled to do so.) I think my own reply would have been ‘I am not the right person to support you on this journey. I wish you well, but I urge you to seek independent care from a healthcare professional who can help you, as I cannot.’