Boys/men fixated on seeing girls with "no make-up" to check they're not being "cat-fished"

[CohensD]

Teen DD has told me this is "a thing" on social media. DD has some facial birthmarks which she has covered with make-up for years, and the trend is making her unusually anxious. She has a boyfriend (who otherwise seems very sweet), who has apparently recently asked for "reassurance" that she "doesn't wear much make-up".

Can someone articulate for me why I find this trend so misogynistic and disturbing? At a very general level, it feels like yet another way to police girls'/women's bodies. But I feel like I object to it in a more specific way, and can't articulate why....

The things that bother me about this:

1. he’s accusing your dd of being deceptive in some way and therefore having to prove to him that she’s not

2. him liking her is dependent on her looks only. He will judge whether she’s worthy of him once he sees her without makeup

3. he is making her feel uncomfortable and is happy to force her out of her comfort zone by presumably wanting to see her without makeup to make himself feel better or reassured

4. it seems controlling to me- prove to me you’re attractive without makeup and reassure me, otherwise I will be sad and won’t trust you and will assume you’re catfishing me

Really she should be judging him for 1) basing his feelings about someone on inane tiktok videos that spout this nonsense, 2) for being superficial, 3) for making her feel insecure about her looks and judging her based on what she looks like alone, 4) being pathetic and potentially controlling

It's wrong on so many levels. First, it's controlling. Your daughter has the right to look like a drag queen if she wants without having to 'reasure' anyone.

Second, he sounds like a half wit, mindlessly following trends on social media and trying to force someone else to comply.

It all stems from the manosphere, he'll be asking about her body count next. I'd tell your daughter to be clear that she won't be bullied by him or anyone else and if he's not happy with her wearing make up, to find someone else.

Also, it’s the idea that men are entitled to the best looking women, and we are just there to look pretty on their arm. Men never question their own attractiveness and if women came out with the same nonsense about men then we’d be ripped to shreds as superficial. It’s very much men deserve supermodels, women should be grateful for any attention they receive.

Has he actually met your daughter in real life? Can’t he make up his own mind about her? Why would he need ‘proof’ about make-up if he knows her and sees her?

Anyway not heard of this fortunately and sounds disturbing. She should tell him it’s none of his business.

Surely most men/teens would not even care or give it a thought.

I'd guess it comes from the States, where people 'dating' people that they've never met in real life is more normal, because of distance?

First Post Nails It klaxon 👍

"Cat-fishing" is supposed to be about people pretending to be somebody else on social media, right? So, in this context girls are "cat-fishing" boys by pretending to be a "higher-value" person by enhancing their appearance with make-up.
It's repugnant, this idea that girls are somehow tricking boys making themselves appear prettier than they actually are.

@Aquabluemouse has articulated it perfectly. Controlling twat

Brilliant.

And I say this as someone who never uses makeup (I'm also very partial to the bare faced beauty in general). Generally, all these trends that pin one sex against the other are unhealthy and sinister. Why can't your dd's boyfriend act like a person relating to another person? He sounds weak and boring.

It’s not normal at all in the states. People tend to date people that live around the corner from them.
In my experience, they won’t travel to the end of the road to go for a burger with anyone

Well said. He doesn’t deserve her.

Ah, I spend a lot of time on forums like Quora, where there's a high proportion of Americans all talking about people who live several states over that they are 'seeing'. The internet has a lot to answer for.

I mean, I kind of get it. There are influencers on social media who wear so much makeup (but really well done) they look totally different to their non made up selves. So I can see where something like this has come from, not getting into the pros and the cons, just acknowledging one can really change their appearance with makeup which is misleading

Is it misleading though? Pretty girls are pretty girls, they tend to look even better without tonnes of make up. I mean, I'm a big ugly and even plastered in make up professionally done I just look like an ugly person with loads of make up on.

They look more natural without makeup, but make up, whilst it can cover blemishes (and why would any man object to a woman covering something that makes her self-conscious), can't work utter miracles.

Is it about using filters on photos? A lot of young people do that and look completely different in real life but that’s separate from make up.

There are videos on social media where women put make up on and they go through a radical transformation or a pretty woman takes off her makeup and looks very different. Men are naturally all over the comments section being vile.
It also explains the trend for men to comment on photos of famous women and said they are mid, 4/10 or overrated when they look amazing. The men in the comments are not gym bros who have invested in turkey teeth and hair transplants - they are middle aged, often overweight and bitter about the lack of sex in their lives.

I’m sure that American teens often date other teens at their school or a nearby one?

Thank you all. This is very helpful.

Yes, they know each other from real life not online, and seem to actually really get on.
Which makes this baffling to me.

She should ask him to shave his beard and/or hair so she can be assured he doesn't have a tiny chin or a weird shaped head.

j/k she should dump him.

Red flags waving wildly here OP. Talk to your daughter about the signs of controlling men. One of them is the demand for less or no make up. She should be with someone who accepts her for herself and isn't obsessed with looks or trying to make her 'prove' her worth.

Your daughter should dump him. He shouldn't need reassurance about her make up. Her make up her choice. Apart from the fact that the idea that makeup can somehow utterly transform someone, or that there is a level of reasonableness, is misogynistic.
It's makeup today, next week it will be are her clothes reasonable, then how she speaks to other boys reasonable etc etc.

Awwwww, he’s soooo sweet 🍬

WTF is he on, he wants to see her without makeup to see if he’s been catfished.

Let’s have a naked photo of him so we can critic his looks and see if he’s worthy of your DD.

Honestly, I work with a lot of 16-24 years olds, mostly girls, and they are worth so much more than the knobheads they put up with.

Females have evolved so much from when I as a teen. They are better educated, financially savvy and very independent. One thing has not changed though. They still think they have to put up with crap men.

It is a horrible trend- how many boys would agree to a hairline inspection so a girl could see the likelihood of them going bald (current popular hairstyle is making hair fluffy like brocolli), a dental inspection to see if their dental hygiene is good enough for a kiss or skin inspection to see if they take good enough care of themselves that their skin is touchable?

God, some men are stupid..

Make up doesn't radically alter the way most women look.
A woman who does look radically different with make up would be wearing a fuck ton of it so you'd know anyway.

This isn't just a red flag for the boyfriend in terms of wondering what kind of toxic shit he's watching online but it's also a red flag in terms of how fucking stupid he must be

Is this a thing now? Ffs..