Boys/men fixated on seeing girls with "no make-up" to check they're not being "cat-fished"

[CohensD]

Teen DD has told me this is "a thing" on social media. DD has some facial birthmarks which she has covered with make-up for years, and the trend is making her unusually anxious. She has a boyfriend (who otherwise seems very sweet), who has apparently recently asked for "reassurance" that she "doesn't wear much make-up".

Can someone articulate for me why I find this trend so misogynistic and disturbing? At a very general level, it feels like yet another way to police girls'/women's bodies. But I feel like I object to it in a more specific way, and can't articulate why....

I think there's different levels. If a man demanded I remove my makeup so he could inspect me he'd be told to GTFO. However, I'd find it discomforting to be with somebody who would never let me see them naked etc or as mentioned above a man that wore a belly compression vest or a wig and refused to let me see him with it off.

I've always found that the men who express a preference for no make up to be the most misogynistic...

Be pretty but don't wear make up

They are usually the men who also proclaim they love women who pig out on takeaways but you must also be thin.

Fuck off.

Yes but there are lots of desperate women who fall for these Neanderthals and are so in love with them and want their babies, sure i dont get it but their previous girlfriends dont understand them

Hmm, a lot of women demand that a man must be tall though. Both sexes have their own preferences.

No I'm not talking about preferences...I'm talking about men who demand one thing whilst also criticising women for having to do anything to achieve it.

So must love pigging out...but also be thin. Well nature doesn't work like that...most women will need to watch what they eat in order to be slim.

Be pretty but don't actually do anything to achieve it. Very few women are naturally stunning without any make up at all.

It's kind of like women saying to a man, be rich but don't work. Or be really big and muscular but don't work out

I'd agree with this. There are many videos on social media where people remove a face a makeup to reveal a completely different face underneath, I don't think it's unfair for young men to want to know what their partner really looks like?

You see some makeup videos where the artist has literally changed the appearance of their bone structure using careful contouring etc.

If I was a guy I'd find it quite disturbing if the face I was familiar with and loved completely changed to a different one when my partner removed their makeup!

But surely that was the face they were initially attracted to. There's plenty of women around who aren't wearing a lot of make up...but most men are visual and initially attracted to the made up face. It's hypocrisy to then moan about it.

You've made my point. They were attracted to that face, if it looks completely different - and I'm not talking slightly different, I'm talking about these girls that have used contouring to completely change their faces - that's going to be quite unsettling to a guy if actually he doesn't find the face underneath attractive?

Not necessarily because it's 'less pretty' or 'not attractive enough' but because it's so different?!

If that's the case then the men should own the fact that they are attracted to a beauty standard that doesn't naturally exist.

Most women look fairly plain without make up... funnily enough men generally aren't queuing up for plain women...which is odd considering so many claim to prefer the natural look.

Excellent answers above but just to add.

She should book him in to Specsavers, if he can't tell how much make up she is wearing he definitely needs his eyes checking.

It’s InCel behaviour fuelled by the likes of Andrew Tate.
He is not ‘sweet’ if he is behaving this way. What’s going to happen if she does, in his opinion, wear ‘too much’ make up?!

Thats how the crossbow murders started. She stopped wearing make up. Stopped seeing friends. Stopped living as she wanted to. Realised what was happening and finished it. By then he thought he owned her.

Your daughter needs to end it now.

I mean, men could not care whether women wear makeup at all. That’d be ok.

But c'mon that's not really realistic. How many women would really be happy for their man to go au naturelle like Tom Hanks in Castaway?

If that's the case then the men should own the fact that they are attracted to a beauty standard that doesn't naturally exist.

I can see how that might feel a bit frustrating if that beauty standard was the one the gf chose to portray on their first date. It's a bit like "sorry love, I'm actually a bit of a fatty once I take the compression girdle off. That slim guy you went on a date with doesn't actually exist. Non existent beauty standard innit". 🤣

I'm not sure either sex would love their partner to look as if they were stranded on a desert island.

But that's irrelevant. It's fine to have preferences...how you express that is the issue. My DH said once that I look better with make up when I asked him. He's right. If I didn't look better with it on I wouldn't wear it. However he never tells me what to wear or how to present myself. Sometimes I wear make up sometimes I don't...he doesn't comment on this or tell me what to do.

This isn't the gotcha you think it is

She needs to dump this little boy (because that’s what he is)

It’s the equivalent of women saying men must shave their beards to see if they are hiding a weak chin. It’s hugely unreasonable!

No, it's just a like for like comparison. Although the woman has it easier in this case because she can just blame it on social conditioning and beauty standards/expectations.

But these women are very obviously wearing massive amounts of makeup. Rather than demanding that a woman remove her makeup, they could choose not to date women who are obviously wearing tons of makeup.

It is unsettling when you see someone whose face looks completely different without the makeup on, but you can see that they're wearing a lot of makeup, so you know that's a possibility. If it's going to unsettle you to see that they're bare face is vastly different than their made up face then just don't go out with them in the first place. I really don't think it's right to insist that the woman proves to you that her natural face is still attractive enough.

If a man is dating a woman who wears masses of make up that's presumably what he's attracted to. If he wants the bare faced look, he can date girls who don't wear any.

My daughter used to wear a lot of make up and it does attract a certain type of guy - they value presentation and the effort that goes into it. They are not always the nicest...she hardly wears make up at all these days and has a much nicer bf.

It's very much a question of your local culture. If you spend a lot of time walking and canoeing, you get used to seeing your partner tousled and sweaty, and then if they put on the so-called trappings of civilisation, you wonder what the point of it is. You might ask, "Wouldn't your clean jeans be enough?"

I've never heard a bloke say anything like those examples. "Must love pigging out" is just weird.

oh I have, it will often be said in a way of ohhh, I love a girl that loves to tuck into a good steak, can’t stand girls that just pick at salads…. That type of thing

while also expecting the woman to stay slim where as he doesn’t think it matters if he looks 9 months pregnant going bald and ugly…..

men know society pursnalotnmorenoressure in women to look good and sadly that how a lot of people determine the worth of a woman on how good she looks

and men get judged too, one of the biggest ways is how much they earn and how much can they provide

That first photo is obviously heavily filtered, though - not just make up. The filter has changed the woman's face from round to heart-shaped - no amount of 'contouring' can do that.

I wonder if some of these men don't understand the difference between make-up and filtering. As a woman who has never been attractive, even when young, I know there is only so much make-up can do. It's never going to change me into someone who'd be attractive to a man who was seeking a partner primarily based on their appearance (and I'm not sorry about that!).

Surely she's isn't wearing so much make up it's like a mask! Its thoughtless and unkind to ask this and worryingly control ing... Dolly Parton says she has never gone out without makeup... her husband loves her for who she is.