Boys/men fixated on seeing girls with "no make-up" to check they're not being "cat-fished"

[CohensD]

Teen DD has told me this is "a thing" on social media. DD has some facial birthmarks which she has covered with make-up for years, and the trend is making her unusually anxious. She has a boyfriend (who otherwise seems very sweet), who has apparently recently asked for "reassurance" that she "doesn't wear much make-up".

Can someone articulate for me why I find this trend so misogynistic and disturbing? At a very general level, it feels like yet another way to police girls'/women's bodies. But I feel like I object to it in a more specific way, and can't articulate why....

Boys like this become young men who want to know your ‘number’.

The way your daughter walks, talks, dresses and generally presents herself is all hers - and she only wants a boyfriend who accepts and likes her for that.

Nobody has said he definitely suggested it for that reason, they referenced the trend and that it was a possibility. And the likelihood of it being for that reason, when we know for a fact that he has already asked her openly to ‘prove’ what she looks like without make up, seems higher in this specific instance.

You seem so angry and defensive about this, I’m unsure as to whether you’re a man or just think they’re hard done by when it comes to dating. Honestly, they’re doing just fine.

The appropriate response to this is 'I will wear as much or as little make-up as I like. It's none of your business. If you don't like it, piss off.'

Does anyone remember the American man who tried to sue his wife because he was surprised to find she looked different without tons of makeup! Everyone thought he was ridiculous when that story came out, I bet lots of young men think he should’ve had a case these days.

Massive red flags, he’s controlling and abusive. I think there is, or was, a course for young women to help identify red flags in relationships. Hopefully someone can share info as I can’t remember

I think this is great. Well done to your daughter 👏🏻

yes, I see your point, but the DD in question has a boyfriend IRL, it's not SM!

Yes, this. Surely he can see for himself. I’m very confused about the situation have they only met online ?

'Can someone articulate for me why I find this trend so misogynistic and disturbing? At a very general level, it feels like yet another way to police girls'/women's bodies. But I feel like I object to it in a more specific way, and can't articulate why....'

You have articulated it for yourself. To object to it in a more specific way you would have to understand the nature of abuse and coercive control. Then you would need to have noticed that this little shit is abusing your daughter. Do you dither and question yourself over things like this in front of her?

'Yes, they know each other from real life not online, and seem to actually really get on.
Which makes this baffling to me.'

And now you're "baffled". After all of the posts trying to help you and gently point out why you should be worried, you come back and say that.

Are you actually baffled or are you here to take the piss? What, at this point is "baffling" to you.

To quote a recent poster on here, 'why do some women need to be told so many things'?

Hmm, my kneejerk reaction is that men have no business policing women's makeup. However, if I dated a man who wore a wig/toupee and refused to ever remove it in my presence I'd probs be itching to see what he looked like without it. Not sure I'd have the guts to ask him though!

Same if he always wore one of those compression vests that some men wear under their clothes. The ones that drastically reduce the appearance of a man's gut.

I think its more to do with filters and AI to enhance photos, also sending pictures of themselves younger than they are by like 10 years - and men do that too.
But some girls/women really abuse makeup and men don't find that appealing in the slightest. Remembering my own school days when some girls would wear orange foundation and boys would laugh at them.

I always wear a little make up, and have done this since being a teenager. But I don’t feel I have deceived anyone!

Little makeup to make yourself presentable is very different to using it so excessively that it looks like you're wearing a mask

I'm not sure it's so much AI as men seeing these kind of photos.

or when paparazzi catch a famous film star without makeup and looking not their best

True, but aren’t these quite extreme examples?

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdmPeBJS/

Fell down a rabbit hole after I thought of the "floppy swim burka plus bonkers makeup"- like most ideas somebody else got there first- I had no idea that man repellant makeup was a thing.

Well, yeah, there have been a few like this.

BUT this is insta obsessed women. The majority of young women do look pretty much like their insta shots. My DD, nieces, friends daughters, neighbours, colleagues, and all the friends of the young women I know, look pretty much like their online pics. As I say, very few will look totally different.

But this is an example of a woman who looks very different on her online pics to what she looks like in real life!

Let's face it anyway though, some men present as something they're not before you marry them, (kind and thoughtful and attentive.) Then once he's put a ring on it, he becomes a lazy, selfish, thoughtless, tightwad. Sometimes aggressive, moody, (and even abusive in some cases,)

Some women may 'fool' men into thinking they're 'prettier' than they are 🙄 But some men fool women into thinking they're the perfect man. The reality is, some men turn out to be anything but once you marry them!

Yes, most definitely, but things often tend to be exaggerated online. People often think of the worst case scenario. Every police officer could be a Wayne Couzens etc.

It's the other way round. Years ago, after an instance of being close to a woman, I asked her if any of her makeup was on my face (so I could ensure it was washed off). She then informed me that she wasn't wearing any.

The fixation on seeing girls "without makeup" as a way of determining their "authenticity" is rooted in a deeply misogynistic double standard one that both punishes and polices women's appearances no matter what they do.

Makeup has always been a tool of self-expression, confidence, and sometimes necessity especially for those who, like your daughter, may use it to cover up scars, birthmarks, or skin conditions.

Demanding to see a girl "bare-faced" to confirm she’s not “catfishing” implies that women owe the world a natural, unaltered version of themselves but only if that version also meets narrow standards of beauty.

It sends the message that:

🔺️Women's appearances exist primarily for men's evaluation.

🔺️Makeup is inherently deceptive, rather than artistic, empowering, or practical.

🔺️Women must justify their choices and bodies to earn romantic interest or social approval.

This isn't about honesty it's about control. It fosters anxiety, erodes self-esteem, and frames girls’ normal efforts to feel confident as dishonest behavior. And crucially, it reinforces the idea that a woman's worth is conditional on how effortlessly beautiful she appears but never too polished, lest she be accused of trickery.

Your discomfort is justified. This trend reflects a broader cultural problem: holding women to impossible standards, then blaming them for trying to meet them.

This. Thank you.

I get this but I can also understand why people want to know what their partner actually looks like.

I don’t think my husband has every seen me without mascara but I doubt he feels mis-sold?

That's a well-known thing online, though, men suggesting to other men that they take women on swimming dates so they can see them without their makeup. Adding that with the fact that he's asked to see her without her makeup, it's not a huge leap to think that that's the purpose of the swimming date.