Boys/men fixated on seeing girls with "no make-up" to check they're not being "cat-fished"

[CohensD]

Teen DD has told me this is "a thing" on social media. DD has some facial birthmarks which she has covered with make-up for years, and the trend is making her unusually anxious. She has a boyfriend (who otherwise seems very sweet), who has apparently recently asked for "reassurance" that she "doesn't wear much make-up".

Can someone articulate for me why I find this trend so misogynistic and disturbing? At a very general level, it feels like yet another way to police girls'/women's bodies. But I feel like I object to it in a more specific way, and can't articulate why....

Chronically online people are never a good representation of the country they’re from. They’re just representative of people that spend way too much time on the internet.

Cat fishing can be more sinister. Tricking vulnerable girls and boys into sending compromising photos etc for blackmail.

Men would like to see women with make-up = men are misogynists and controlling
Men would like to see women without make-up = men are misogynists and controlling

Poor sods can’t win.
I see where this thread is going 🙄

Surely as a relationship progresses you see each other in different settings, outfits etc which includes being less put together e.g at a festival as part of getting to know each other better and being secure in the relationship.
If I only saw my partner very groomed in a smart suit I would wonder what they would look like after a park run etc.

She needs to tell him to accept her as she is

Yes both of those statements are misogynistic and controlling.

The only person who decides how much makeup a woman wears is the woman herself = not misogynistic and controlling.

Presumably at some point he would see her less put together naturally, on holiday, swimming etc. To ask for evidence is bloody weird! If it’s that important to him, id finish with him.

He'll be commenting on her clothes next

Maybe your DD should ask for proof that her boyfriend doesn't attend a gym or play sports to prove his physique is 100% natural?

I saw a young woman on TT recently who claimed that a man she had dated a couple of times demanded she "drop her pants" to prove she wasn't trans. Apparently, she had some slightly androgynous features and he wanted to be sure she wasn't decieving him?
Which I found ironic, as he was clearly masquerading as a human being!

Yeah, this is really gross trend. The fact is 'natural look' makeup is not going to radically change your face! It might sometimes be used to play down skin problems or cover birthmarks, but Jesus christ, if a boy or man would turn you down because of that then he's a massive arsehole.

... except that this isn't just about preferences, it's demands and paranoia about being "tricked" by women.

I've been thinking more about this. I think one angle which bothers me is about the idea of men wanting to take away a means via which women can to some extent have control over the intensely physically scrutinising environment we have to exist in. Also, there's this real fear of being "outdone" by a female - terror that you might be stupid enough to be "duped" by one - which smacks of age-old needs of men to be the ones who are "one-up". And then there's the basic sense of wanting to "strip women down" - expose them, and humiliate them.

What does "actually look like" mean? Do you need to see someone without access to hair cuts, razors, diets, showers...? Where does it stop?

What I find strange is how much is made about “gold diggers”

where as not much is said about beauty diggers, men after woman mainly for looks, number one importance, then youth and fertility

No, I'm really not being deliberately obtuse. I agree there are different degrees of this, but logically, I don't know where the line is and don't know who gets to decide (I hope the answer to the latter part is not "the manosphere").

I saw something recently about if you expect someone to pay 50% of the bills, do most of the childcare and housework and invest money in her looks so that other men are jealous of you then who is the real gold digger?

This is a relationship between school aged children.

If a man hadn’t seen his gf of a while bare faced then he’d have a point but at this age the boy should be happy that a girl as pretty as OP’s dd is dating him.

This is about the fear or a woman conning him and his friends laughing at his stupidity. Schools usually have strict rules on makeup- it’s not like OP’s dd could be going to school with makeup heavy enough that she looks like a different person. Besides, don’t some of the classmates know dd from primary school and attest to the fact that she’s not wildly different? My teens saw primary school photos of their gf/bf and they know people who were at school with them.

On Instagram and YouTube there are lots of make up tutorials or girls/women just showing you the make up they like wearing and the realistic that they do often look like a completely different person!

These videos are often shared to a wider audience.

If men are seeing these videos and then see a social profile
photo of a girl/woman who they are chatting to a a romance is blossoming it’s no wonder they want to make sure the girl/woman isn’t cat fishing them!

Even more worrying if it could be a bloke -

https://youtube.com/shorts/Lqrdqhi80Ig?si=3xbqYt-cbbkoWu8o

Men placing demands on how much make up women wear or their appearance are misogynistic yes

He's not saying "you looked great tonight" or "I love your natural face". He's implying she's lying to him and her worth is only important if she looks a certain way

The point is why is it even a thing?! Women don’t demand to check their toenails for fungus

Nope, he can’t ask this. Huge red flag and indicates he is a high order dickhead.

On the other hand, it’s a sensible CHOICE for women. My DD generally wears make up when going to work, going out etc. However, whenever she goes on a date she wears zero makeup. I asked her why and she said she could never be arsed feeling that she had to wear make up when with a guy so if she does dates with none, if they are not interested in her without, then better to know up front and not waste her time. Seems sensible.

I'm in two minds.

There's a ridiculous make up culture where a person can dramatically enhance their looks to appear much more attractive than they are naturally.

This is partly because of the massive pressure social media puts on girls to look pretty and the competition to keep up with peers / fit in and yes, get boyfriends.

So I get it, I'd want to see my partner au natural, I'm not sure it's strictly controlling.

I've literally never met anyone who I didn't recognise without make up on.

And I was in uni in the cut crease, contouring an anastasia dip brow era. Surprisingly I was still able to recognise someone who I'd seen with heavy make up on the night before, now bare faced and hungover.