Jokes about men - keep it clean please.

[YourAmplePlumPoster]

Therapist: "Your wife says you don't buy her flowers."
Husband: "I didn't know she owned a florists."
"My husband's a ghost. He keeps disappearing."
Over to you....

Q- Why are men like vacuum cleaners?

A- Because they treat you like dirt and then suck up.

Just what this forum needs, a "man joke" thread as if the anti-man vibe wasn't strong enough already.

Yeah come on, I’m all for a laugh but you’d be the first to complain if there were a load of men making women jokes.

I don’t want a thread making jokes about men, but I also have zero time for the attitude of “you’d be pissed off if it was jokes about women!” as if the whole of the rest of the world isn’t still cracking sexist jokes about women as though it’s some kind of right.

Yay. A humourless buzzkill has entered the thread.

How do you keep a man happy?

Who cares? 🤷‍♀️

On their own spaces? Not in the least. They do it all the time, and they do it everywhere, not just on their own spaces.

A man was sitting on a train when a beautiful Thai girl got on next to him. He thought to himself: 'Don't get an erection... don't get an erection...'. But she did.

I divorced my abusive husband 42 years ago. I still regard him as a cunt. Apologies for the foul language but I needed to say that. I’m old enough to move to the dark side and say it on Gransnet but I’d probably be banned 😆

What's the way to a man's heart? Between the second and third rib on the left hand side.

When I married Mr Right, he didn't tell me his first name was Always.

Why are men like toilets? Because they're either vacant, engaged or full of shit.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? One; he just takes hold of it and waits for the world to revolve around him.

All courtesy of my nonagenarian Irish auntie.

Never met a man that this didn't apply to...consequently a lot of men hate it because it's on the nose (it'll get pulled soon enough).

God created man first, because every artist makes a rough draft before the final masterpiece.

My husband laughed at me for watching cooking programmes when I'm a crap cook.

I retorted that by the same token he did watch porn...

I'm not sure that I believe in the nativity story. I mean, angels, shepherds - OK.

But three wise men? Nah.

I'm enjoying all these jokes greatly!

Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A: Because so many men fake competence.

Man; "I wish you would tell me when you have an orgasm."
Woman: "Okay, I will. Shall I text you or call you?"

Q: What does the average man think is doing his part with the housework?
A: He moves his feet out of the way when the Roomba passes by.

Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.

Q: What's the difference between a sports car and a porcupine?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Should I ask my mother in law to pay child care? Her child is out of control and I don't work for free.

Man: "Hey, don't go to bed angry. Health experts say you shouldn't take your troubles to bed."
Woman: "They're right. So you'll be sleeping in the guest room."

😆

Grow your own dope.

Plant a man

I'm not particularly happy with the idea of "man jokes" either. If only because it's handing ammunition to the.....oh look, they're here already! "Just what this forum needs, a "man joke" thread as if the anti-man vibe wasn't strong enough already"

Reakky ? A thread to demean someone because of their sex? How very "feminist " of you

Agree, 100%.
There's feminism and then there's just hating men and the two aren't the same.

Q. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A. A man will spend hours trying to find a golf ball.
😉😁😁.

And making jokes about something and hating it aren't the same, either.

It shows contempt, surely we can all agree to that? Which is why we don’t shrug off jokes men make about women. And no I’m not making this about the poor men. I’m well aware of the contempt men hold for women, but this thread is just depressing.

@HonestPayforHonestWork very well put

If everyone treated each other with respect the world would be a better place.

wow this is… sexist. I guess it’s ok to make jokes about how incompetent women are then.