Free Pass to be useless

[User198724]

This is going to sound very pessimistic but has anyone else just had enough of men being socially condoned to be useless?

Im so sick of men putting in limited effort with the kids and being hailed a wonderful dad, not “noticing” when the housework needs to be done and “just not thinking about” kids activities, school events, doctors appointments etc.

Why is it socially condoned that they don’t need to make decisions about the household or even make their own doctors appointments.

it is absolutely bullshit that women have to carry the brunt of every burden and still not be recognised like a man would be.

thanks for the rant!

Exactly right @XChrome. I have had to remind my partner twice in the last few weeks of what time school finishes, the fact that my child has been attending this school for a year but he has no idea what time they let out is unbelievable.
I think the mental load that women are expected to take on, along with working and all the physical tasks, is going to lead to burnout for a lot of people. I know I can’t keep this pace for much longer.

Because someone has to have hours suitable for the children before and after school.

DH tried the 'my job is better paid' very briefly. I pushed back very hard and it turns out that the employers of men also employ women and when men insist on taking time for sick children and school plays, their employers don't want to look like sexist, child-hating dicks. Interestingly, I think it's easier for men to ask for time if they feel like doing it. Mainly because just like other child-related chores, men are heroes when they do it, women are lazy scum.

Yes, they don't bother to remember those things because they know we will.

It's even worse when you have children with special needs. My daughter (now grown) has cerebral palsy and ADD. When she was little I had to take her in for speech, physio and occupational therapy for hours every day. The were teaching me techniques to do at home. Her so-called father never attended a single one of those sessions. He had three weeks of paid family related leave a year he could have used but he didn't bother.
I had to work evenings and overnights so I could be there in the day to do all that.
Thankfully, I left that loser and am done with men.
They tell themselves they are doing more than they are actually doing. It's how they rationalize their idleness. For example, if they put one dish in the dishwasher, they say they "did the dishes."

My deepest sympathies for your workload. Been there, done that, got the divorce papers to prove it.

I am just so thankful for my MIL, she raised her boys right! They had to do loads of chores around the house when they were young, even window cleaning and washing the curtains. They had to cook meals and bake cakes every week. As a result I can honestly say my DH does more than 50% in our house.

It’s not all about nature, but also nurture. I am trying to raise my sons in the same way!

Your FIL played no part?

Change has to start somewhere.

Huh?

Well yes

but bit odd if the MIL was wonderful with her sons. it allowed her husband to step all over her and do bugger all

No she was a sahm and he worked long hours with a long commute. So very different situation. They had a very traditional division of roles.

and at the weekends and evenings, he would do bugger all?

It is totally irrelevant to my point that boys should be brought up doing chores to tach them how to run a household properly.

But my Fil was always a very busy man, although he would pick more chores that were traditionally done by men like painting the house and repairing stuff. Definitely not a lazy person. Like i said, they had a traditional division of roles.

@DutchCowgirl I've known many couples like this - including my own parents. There was an equal share of labour, inside and outside the home, with much of the home work split down gender lines. Women did the washing, cleaning, cooking, nursing and in many cases, home admin. Men worked outside the home as the main earners but worked evenings and weekends at home on house and car maintenance, gardening and the all important taking the bins out!

I used to think this was horribly sexist and old fashioned. But those relationships lasted lifetimes and both partners appreciated the other's unique contribution.

Nowadays, both men and women work outside the home, and women do still bloody everything at home while men do very little yet whine and complain if they have to wash the odd dish. Few people have large kitchen gardens anymore (if any much garden at all in modern developments). Cars aren't repaired at home and male office employees call in the plumber instead of doing it themselves these days. So men have reduced their overall burden, yet cause more problems and relationship breakdowns through their totally unjustified and wheedling sense of entitlement.

@XChrome same here. One of my DC has SEN and I organised and led on all their occupational therapy, speech and language, physiotherapy, audiology etc etc, then had the audacity to complain that my spreadsheet with all the details on was too complex when I asked him to look at when the appointments were taking place.

The fact that someone had had to make all those appointments, note what had been said, next steps and support at home in the meantime to prepare the spreadsheet seemed to have passed him by!

Also we didn't have a dishwasher in the house we bought due to the configuration of the kitchen, so couldn't fit one in easily. Dishes had to be done at least 3 times a day to keep the sink and surrounds relatively clear. On average my EXDP did the dishes once or twice a week. If I said anything he'd complain that he did his fair share. Occasionally I would just stop for a few days, to see what would happen. Initially he'd complain that "nobody was doing the dishes". What he meant was I wasn't letting him get away with not doing them.

I had thought doing that would be the point he'd say "oh sorry, I can see you've been doing everything", but actually it was the point at which he ramped up the emotional abuse, and claim I did nothing!

Fucker. You went to the trouble of producing a spreadsheet for him and it still wasn't enough for the poor wee thing.
Let me guess; he could somehow manage to read a spreadsheet for work.

Isn't it a relief to be out of all that.

It's SUCH a relief to be out of that relationship @XChrome.

That said, I would love to meet a lovely man to be an equal partner and treat me nicely, but not sure he's out there now I'm in my early 40's...I'm starting to think men of this age who are single with DC have been cast aside by women like me because they are just like my ex!

Drives me insane most days. We have guests this weekend and husband had to make up a bed for them while I was out picking up our son. The bed is literally next to the linen cupboard. He looked at me reproachfully when I got back and complained that he’d had to ‘scavenge’ for sheets.
I think he must think I say a magic spell and the right sheets jump out of the cupboard.

It’s just nice to come and disrupt the misandrists form time to time.

could you imagine an open male forum having a massive thread about how useless women were?

There's no need to imagine it. The internet is dominated by men and there are many forums dedicated to discussing women as subhuman.

It’s just nice to come and disrupt the misandrists form time to time.
So you admit you are just another goady twat?

could you imagine an open male forum having a massive thread about how useless women were?
Don't need to imagine as there are many, many forums with threads like those. Some of them even pretend to be mixed sex despite being heavily male orientated. I'm guessing you are new to the Internet if you haven't discovered this yet.

Now sure how you go from politely sharing an alternative life experience to “goady twat”.

What U.K. based forum is so openly hostile to women as MN is about men?

Have you got a U.K. based example?

I'm sure there are UK sites. The most notorious are places like 4chan, SlutHate and blogs like IncelTears. Reddit may be worth checking out as well as Telegram.

You didn’t actually supply any alternate life experiences that had any substance.
Your points were that if we have a partner not pulling their weight it’s because they don’t care about the tasks that need to be done and that while we are doing the bulk of the house work, childcare and life admin that we are doing nothing of value to our partners.
Where in here did you offer any constructive opinions that make any sense to the question being asked?

@Laidbackguy 🤣 firstly says 'there are just as many women blocking contact as there are dead beat dads'. That old trope haha.

Then later 'you can't force someone to parent'. Well no, you can't. You can't force them to pull their weight as a partner either, probably why they are now single.

Relationships (from a male perspective) probably are about trade off's. They seem to expect something in return for every little contribution they make. Whereas women just do what needs to be done and because that's what you do when you love someone, without keeping score.

I think most men vastly overestimate what they do around the house. And in life in general.

It’s just nice to come and disrupt the misandrists form time to time.
Now sure how you go from politely sharing an alternative life experience to “goady twat”.
Going to a website and posting stuff that you think is guaranteed to wind up some of their posters is being goady. A troll. A wind up merchant. An unpleasant person. A bored (usually) teenager. Just why would you think that is reasonable behaviour of a grown up? Most women are too busy adulting and being responsible for others, which is why it's usually men who do this. They have the time due to them being lazy, selfish 'insert w/e word you like'. HTH.

The constructive part is:

There are needs and wants in life, lots of what’s been listed other than meals and medical appointments are wants not needs.

If you want to spend your free time stood by a football pitch that’s great, spend your weekends at dance competitions, fantastic, if you want to clean the house weekly that’s cool. Etc etc etc.

However you don’t have an inner rant right to be cross if he doesn’t live by your chosen rules.