Free Pass to be useless

[User198724]

This is going to sound very pessimistic but has anyone else just had enough of men being socially condoned to be useless?

Im so sick of men putting in limited effort with the kids and being hailed a wonderful dad, not “noticing” when the housework needs to be done and “just not thinking about” kids activities, school events, doctors appointments etc.

Why is it socially condoned that they don’t need to make decisions about the household or even make their own doctors appointments.

it is absolutely bullshit that women have to carry the brunt of every burden and still not be recognised like a man would be.

thanks for the rant!

@courgettes4eva I think the problem is that they all know to keep their comments just below banning level and it would be a minefield for MN to try to apply a blanket ban on men. Shame usually functions well in social situations to stop people doing offensive things. But some people are immune to shame. That demonstrates a mental health disorder in and of itself. Their motives and fetishisation of mansplaining are clear when you've seen them over the course of a few threads but individual comments are designed to seem innocent enough.

Apologies for previously detailing this otherwise very interesting thread. So to get back to the discussion...

I think military types have been taught that cleaning is not just women's work but that it's only mens work when women aren't around. So this isn't about equality or equally sharing the domestic household burden. And military types have very high expectations for how their wives keep the home which adds even more pressure on them.

agreed

it’s sinister

not the kind of man i’d want to meet along an alleyway alone

or in fact meet in any scenario

💯 absolutely!

Oi you lot. Talking about him and he isn't even here!

I can't give any examples of men waiting hand and foot on their sons or cleaning their properties but I'm sure there are.

I know one. A Chinese-descent man who was raised as a single boy in his childhood household. His fembot (my friend) wasn't lavishing enough on their boys (because he was lauded as a child) so he did it. Feeding them (hand feeding them sometimes!) special food, running around after them. My friend still did all the boring housework. She's left him now and he's lost interest in them somewhat.

On the military/big bloke thing, there might be an element of something else as well. We all know there are many videos of fire fighters rescuing kitchens and everyone knows how attractive a big bloke holding a baby is. I'm not sure the video of the Italian fire fighter crying over a kitten being saved would be as attractive if it was a shilpit bloke working in a McDonalds. Big 'manly' men are trained that the juxtaposition is attractive. I suppose it's the same as small women wearing men's clothes.

*Oi you lot. Talking about him and he isn't even here!
only time i feel safe to!

Fair point!

We all know there are many videos of fire fighters rescuing kitchens and everyone knows how attractive a big bloke holding a baby saucepan is.

Fixed it

I was wondering about these kitchen rescuing men. Mine needs a bit of a rescue and I’d be happy to observe!

I hope he doesn't decided to take the option my ex has- just do no cleaning at all. Ever.
His house smells like a barn and looks worse. Luckily, our kids are grown and don't have to stay with him.

LOL!

oh dear
i got ahead of myself
no, not banned 😞

@politicalintrigue how do you know he wasn't banned - is he mansplaining again on another thread?

A truly laid back guy would not announce it in their name, would not obsessively respond to every woman daring to criticise men and certainly would not be on top of all the household needs. They would be too busy being well, laid back, and more likely to fit to the topic of the OP!

I don’t know, I am single and have been for over a decade so I do everything myself. It’s interesting as I have a teenage son and older DD, and despite my best efforts, I do still have a fairly on-going argument with DS that my role is not to be his servant and he needs to take responsibility for his needs. It’s slow progress. DD just got on with stuff, so I do think there is some social conditioning rather than within families, if that makes sense. Not sure what the answer is, because divorce just means you definitely do everything yourself (although in peace and quiet and with one person less to worry about).

The only military man I knew used to come home to his girlfriend (my friend) and give her his washing to do. Then she'd pack his bag for him before he left again, with sandwiches for the journey.

Edit: oh and he also complained she didn't iron his shirts properly!!!

She did stay with him for a long time, though I could never see him as anything other than a man-baby. She did dump him in the end thank god.

This post has made my day and it's only 8.15am! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

@Superlambaanana

But the reality is that they are only socially conditioned to be useless when there is a woman around. They are perfectly capable and willing to do housework when they live alone.

Your comment above makes perfect sense to me; it's why so many men whose wives have left them quickly find another unsuspecting mug woman, usually without DC herself, the result being the numerous horror stories you see on the step-parenting board which are really about lazy DH and not his DC.

@XChrome
On the contrary, now we've split, my EXDP has gone back to the cleaning standards he had when we were dating and living together; his flat is immaculate. I have the benefit of already having experienced what he turns into when he gets comfortable though 🤣🤣🤣

i thought he hadn’t been back for a day but then dad had been posting in early hours

he just stays within guidelines

i genuinely find him very creepy

So I'm reading that as, men should do less paid work so women can do more.

If women feel strongly about this why don't they do more paid work and then jointly pay for childcare / help at home to dramatically reduce the needed unpaid work?

Because someone has to have hours suitable for the children before and after school. Someone has to stay home with sick children, someone has to breastfeed and recover from birth, someone has to manage the house, someone has to take children to appointments. Decent, affordable childcare is often hard to find.

Anyway you're moving away from the point of the post which is that many men refuse to pull their weight in a relationship regarding running the house and children.

I’m glad I don’t really deal with men like the ones described in the OP. The only men I know who don’t do as much around the house during the week are men whose wives stay at home full time so it’s fair they will do most of the housework while he’s at work. But they’re still very engaged with their kids.

Most of my female friends work full time though and their husbands do too and they have a fairly equal split at home.

The ones I know who don’t are absolutely miserable and worn out . It is a societal thing but also women need to wise up.

I have a friend who doesn’t drive, she does all the shopping lugging back the food from Tesco on foot. I’ve asked why her partner doesn’t ever do food shopping and she quickly says she doesn’t mind. But then she gets her teen daughter to do it sometimes so I suspect she would like a break from it but just won’t speak up to get her partner to do it. She also deals with everything to do with school. Clothes and presents for the kids.

Incredible that anybody needs to be told this. Even for people who don't have kids, it's basic common sense.

So I'm reading that as, men should do less paid work so women can do more.

Well... Same paid work but less free time/lazying around. If useless men actually stepped up and did everything 50/50, and I mean everything, then women would be able to work more hours in the business world and get paid for their time. But that won't happen because men haven't grasped what this mysterious thing is. Even you laidbackdad haven't seemed to have grasped it and yet you say you do 50/50...