Giving baby HIS name - losing my feminist card?

[Artemi]

Hi there, posting as genuinely unsure what to do re: future DC's surname.

DH and I both kept our surnames on marriage, which was important to me for reasons of feminist principle.

DH offered to take my surname but I refused as I'm not close to my family (particularly my dad who is a total arse) and it's not even a particularly nice name
We did consider both double barrelling but frankly cba and we never got round to it

Anyway, I feel like on principle I "should" give DC my surname.

However I genuinely think his surname is nicer, and it makes sense for DC to share the surname of the supportive extended family

I'm not totally opposed to double barrelling but feel like I'd be doing it purely on principle.
One of my friends mentioned giving DC both surnames (no hyphen) so my name is on official documents but can be dropped for day-to-day use if wanted (is this a thing?) or to give one surname as a middle name (his would work well as it can be a boy's first name)

DH is happy with whatever I choose.
I'm scared if I give them a clunky double barrelled name I'll regret the actual name, but if I give them the nicer surname I'll constantly feel defensive about making an "unfeminist" choice

In hindsight, I really wish I'd changed my surname by deed poll before marriage and could then happily pass that on to future DC. I thought I'd made peace with my surname, reclaimed it as "mine" rather than my difficult father's, but evidently not ..
😁

To add my opinion in. I changed my surname to my DH's, but we married after having our first DC. I had already decided that whilst I was not 100% comfortable with 'just' giving DC his surname, that it was the most acceptable solution, partly because I liked the first name we chose and my surname was so difficult verbally that it limited our first name choices very much.

Then on marriage I wanted the same surname as my DC, partly because my own mother was divorced twice and so throughout my childhood it felt problematic to me that we didn't have the same surname. That was the 70s and 80s, so I don't think it's as problematic now of course, and that's partly because women have made the societal changes.

What edgeofacoin said sounded like a good system for society in general.

My main point for OP was just to say that on changing my surname (which i struggled with at the time, even though I felt I was doing it for my dc, so I could share her name) I now feel like it is an alias. Ie. I am one person but answer to two names. Like a stage name or professional name. In effect, they are both me.

I have the same email address, which as my original surname was unusual is very easy for me (no numbers etc), just first name surname at etc. I am still the original surname on some platforms, even after 15 years, so parcels and mail sometimes come addressed to my married name and my original name.

Before marriage, I thought it would feel like I had changed my name, but in effect it feels like I've added a name.

I'm not saying it's a perfect solution but it doesn't feel as 'bad' as I thought it would, if that makes sense.

I agree.

I took my husband's surname on marriage twice but not the third time. So I have my second husband's surname which is the same as my children.

I wish I'd kept my maiden name in the first place and given my children that name.

Absolutely agree with the above saying it's a rock and a hard place whether to go with DH name or Dad's name - still buying into the patriarchy.
I'm thinking of going as far back down the female side of the family as I can and choosing a name from way back when to honour the many females in my ancestry ahead of the handiest male.

I think what I’m trying to say is that rather than losing my identity it felt like I had gained something to my existing identity which didn’t challenge my sense of self as much (even though outwardly I realise to society I just have my DH’s name)

Except my dd has my name so when she comes to choose, it will be her mother's name or the father's father's name.

Nonsense argument meant to put women back in their place.

Change has to start somewhere.

I understand why you wanted to keep your name but I feel like feminism shouldn't be about being so stubborn/dogmatic you won't change your surname. It should be about having the freedom to choose precisely what you want to do.
I chose to take my husband's surname because it's nicer and it better reflects my genetic history. I have no real attachment to my maiden name because it was my dad's step dad's surname and I never liked him.
It's annoying that there's some sort of suggestion that I must have lost my feminist card because of that.
I also think there are bigger issues in existence but there we go 🙃

Keeping your own name isn't "buying into the patriarchy- it's your own name. You've made it yours. It represents your life and everything you've achieved. Nobody ever says men's names are "just their dad's".

It’s not choosing between your dad’s name and your husband’s name, its choosing between your name and your husband’s name.

I know it's tedious to say it, but do people really never take a second to wonder why it's only women's names that are ugly, difficult to spell etc etc. presumably their brothers have the same name and don't have an issue with it?

" It should be about having the freedom to choose precisely what you want to do." That's not feminism. It's freedom of choice. Which is great and to be celebrated, but feminism is more than that.

Exactly. My mother trots out the 'it's your father's name or your husband's name' argument. I just ask if my brother's name belongs to him more than my maiden name does to me but she just doesn't get it.

Here in Portugal we don't lose names my kids have 3 surnames- usually just use the last one day to day. When i tell my students woman often give up their maiden names and kids don't have a name from their mother they look at me like I've got 3 heads!

I would say (with a gulp), try not to let your feminist principles stop you from doing what feels right for you and your family, individually

I am the same as you, I didn't change my surname on marriage for similar reasons, and we have a similar dilemma about what to do if/ when we have a child.

The decision will ultimately be what feels right for us and we've decided we won't be using our child's name to pass on a feminist message to the world. I believe strongly in those principles, but just don't think that's the most appropriate way to show it.

I show it through my choice for my own title and surname and that's enough.

@SnapDragon5 "we won't be using our child's name to pass on a feminist message to the world."

I really don't want to sound snarky-but why are you happy to use it to pass on a patriarchal message to the world?

Ah, yes I see how that does sound like I'm not attached to my surname

In fairness, yes I don't particularly love it
I wasn't seriously thinking of changing it before (which is why I didn't) but now in hindsight can imagine that it would be an easier choice to simply pass on my name if it was a name I felt more positively about (I don't hate my name, just feel neutral because it has pros and cons)

If I was to change my name, I would have changed it to either my mum's maiden name or just dropped my surname and used my current middle name as my new surname (it works). So both options are names that I already have a lifelong connection to.

On the other hand, randomly becoming "Artemi Jones" just because "Jones" is my husband's surname just doesn't really feel like me/feels a bit like a name plucked from a random name generator. I think I would struggle to pick a totally "new" surname with no history for the same reason

It's not anti feminist to make your own choices. But just because a woman makes a choice does not make it a feminist choice.

Just caught up with reading all the messages!
Wow seems like I did start quite a discussion

Apologies if my OP gave the impression I strongly disliked my surname - that's not the case.

Still haven't come closer to deciding but feel more settled that there are no "right answers". I feel simultaneously more empowered to give DC my name even if it's not the "nicest" (good point that men don't care if their surname is "Longbottom" and at the same time feel validated that it's ok to give them DHs name "just because". Definitely have been overthinking!!
Maybe will do things backwards and decide based on what sounds better with our top choices for DCs firstname

DH and I have a jokey "combined" surname we use with eachother that sounds like some kind of mythical troll creature (similar sounding to Gollum). Maybe I'll give DC and future generations the "gift" of a truly dodgy surname 😉(joking)

Same as you OP I didn’t change my surname (and always use Ms not Mrs). My daughters both have my husband’s surname.

It doesn’t feel like a compromise of my principles at all. When I thought about it my problem is with women changing their names on marriage when men (largely) don’t and all the patriarchal baggage around this. My issue was with that, not the surname that my children have - to a large degree that’s irrelevant.

My hope is more that my daughters keep the surname they have throughout their lives, see it as part of their identity (and run a mile from any man who wants them to change it to his!). That’s more important to me than whether their surname is mine or my husbands.

It is something to be mindful of, I agree, in the decision making process. But at the end of the day, people should feel free to make their own choices when they marry, without judgement from outsiders. We have friends where the man took the woman's surname - no judgement from any of their friends I don't believe.

I took my husband's name because I preferred it to mine. In other ways we had a less conventional wedding with no ring and our own words, for example. But in the case of the surname, I was happy to take the conventional choice because it suited me.

I agree I didn't give it as much thought as I should have done at the time 30 years ago (from a feminist perspective). But from the original post on this thread it sounded like the OP had good reasons for wanting to discard her surname. Now she has explained her thought processes a bit more thoroughly I understand that is not the case & she is neutral about her own surname.

Thanks for explaining more. I think it's a lovely idea, to use your mother's maiden name.

I wanted us as a family to have the same name. To be the “Dibblydoodahdahs”. Ha ha now that would be a surname.

What I do think is crazy is my SIL taking her DH’s surname which is a name that attracts jokes and basically lined her DCs up to be bullied at school about it, like their dad was. She took his name because of convention, not because she wanted it.

I took my DH’s name because I preferred it for our family. That’s not anti-feminist. If I had not liked either of our names I would have gone for my mum’s surname before she married my dad and we would have both changed our surnames to that.

I would happily use my partner’s name if it was nicer - I used to work with a woman called McDonald who kept her name, her husband’s name was Pickle, they picked Pickle for their children!! Mental.

Go with what’s nicer and say that’s why.

Or if you really can’t swallow it, use both, put yours first without a hyphen and it can just fade away. But no point really.

This.

I think the reason I feel quite strongly about this is that women (not women on here-women generally) say they are making informed decisions on the issue and agree things should change, but around 95% of children still have their father's name. Which means that women still make a decision driven by patriarchal thinking, even when it's a painless, consequence free choice. Which is a bit depressing, really, in 2023.

No, I can't understand that at all either. No way would I have lined my children up to be bullied at school. I would have insisted on keeping my own name in that scenario and strongly encouraged my partner to change his name to mine also.