Giving baby HIS name - losing my feminist card?

[Artemi]

Hi there, posting as genuinely unsure what to do re: future DC's surname.

DH and I both kept our surnames on marriage, which was important to me for reasons of feminist principle.

DH offered to take my surname but I refused as I'm not close to my family (particularly my dad who is a total arse) and it's not even a particularly nice name
We did consider both double barrelling but frankly cba and we never got round to it

Anyway, I feel like on principle I "should" give DC my surname.

However I genuinely think his surname is nicer, and it makes sense for DC to share the surname of the supportive extended family

I'm not totally opposed to double barrelling but feel like I'd be doing it purely on principle.
One of my friends mentioned giving DC both surnames (no hyphen) so my name is on official documents but can be dropped for day-to-day use if wanted (is this a thing?) or to give one surname as a middle name (his would work well as it can be a boy's first name)

DH is happy with whatever I choose.
I'm scared if I give them a clunky double barrelled name I'll regret the actual name, but if I give them the nicer surname I'll constantly feel defensive about making an "unfeminist" choice

In hindsight, I really wish I'd changed my surname by deed poll before marriage and could then happily pass that on to future DC. I thought I'd made peace with my surname, reclaimed it as "mine" rather than my difficult father's, but evidently not ..
😁

My preferred system:

Double surname, no hyphen (like Parker Bowles, Bowes Lyon or Bonham Carter).

Child can use either or both names.

When child grows up and has their own children, women can pass down the name that comes from their mother. Men can pass down the name that came from their father. Women maintain a matriarchal lineage. Men can continue the patriarchal lineage.

So: A woman with the surname Johnson Carter marries a man named Smith Green.

Their children become Johnson Green, a name derived from the maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather.

If lesbians get married they can both continue the matriarchal name. Gay men can both continue the patriarchal name.

Men keep and pass down their father's name, just as is the tradition now. Women don't pass on their father's name, just as they don't now. The old tradition is maintained, but women are also entitled to keep and pass along their surnames via their daughters.

It's such a lack of imagination when people wail 'what happens to the names when their children get married!'

,@ExtremelyDetermined
In the end we bowed to convention and went with DH's. We didn't want people thinking they weren't his. I agree its not feminist (and I disagree that feminism is about having this choice) but acknowledge that living in a patriarchal society does mean that some of my life decisions haven't been feminist.

I think this is a rare truthful account of why most women do this. Respect to you for understanding and acknowledging it.* *

Even my mum suggested people would think the children weren't my husband's. My mil didn't even consider for a moment that they wouldn't just have his name.

Children are now much older and they have got used to it. There are quite a lot of double-barrelled surnames in their schools.

I wouldn't worry about the middle name thing. It is a sop to get women to accept that in fact the children do just have the father's name. No one ever uses it.

What happens to the next generation though? Do they have triple barrelled names?

@rumbusiness living your work on this thread.

If a father has only daughters or a mum has only sons, you're asking the children to choose which parents name to carry on, which is going to be a hard choice surely?

You said in your first post that you wish you had changed your surname by deed poll before marriage so how were we supposed to guess that you are now attached to it & don’t want to change it?
Sounds like you are confused. It’s not anti feminist to do what you want to do, quite the reverse. That’s why some of us suggested changing your surname to your husbands. Not because you have to, but because maybe you prefer his surname and it would simplify things with the children’s surname which seems to be a concern. As simple as that, and never mind what other people do or don’t do. Own your feminist card and no one can take it away.

Give your surname - and it is yours, it doesn’t ‘belong’ to your dad - as a middle name. Or give your mum’s maiden name. It’s about you giving your child some of yours.
To be honest, I’ve heard some surnames in school that are ripe for being teased about, I’m sure your name can’t be that bad.

I have a few friends who congratulate themselves on their feminist points by hyphenating their surnames. Interestingly they are mostly financially dependent on men. I've given my kids their dads names but have always been financially independent on noone , had my own career and property etc. To me it's just a name, there are far better more important ways to model feminism to my daughters.

@ladygindiva "What happens to the next generation though? Do they have triple barrelled names?"

They choose. Just as their father and I did. We've made it very clear all their lives that they don't have to keep the hyphen and they can shed either of their names whenever they want to. My daughter is just starting to think about children. Her partner has a name that is significant culturally to him-he comes from an immigrant family, so they have decided that their children will have my name and his. Perfectly simple and drama free.

With hindsight I agree about the middle names and wish we'd just done it, their friends and DCs of my friends seem to have all sort pf combinations of surnames, middle names etc and all are fine. I was just ultra-sensitive after the teasing I got for mine. Even more I wish I'd done it because I realised a few years down the line my surname is dying out in my family - my father was one of 5 siblings but out of all their grandchildren there is only one with our surname

@ladygindiva 2 points. Correlation is not causation. And of course there are loads of ways to model feminism. This is just one of them.

It’s not anti feminist to do what you want to do, quite the reverse.

lots of things that women choose to do are anti-feminist.

choices aren't made in a vacuum.

Exactly. You've shown her all her life that you are equal to her father.

I'm also from a different cultural background to my husband and i like that that is preserved in our children's names.

I agree but OP seems to be worried about losing her feminist card based on this particular choice.

Gosh that’s complicated… just pick the name you prefer.

Exactly

Absolutely. People absolutely LOVE the 'but what will they dooooo when THEY marry' thing, as if it's some trump card that they've only just discovered and will utterly stump you and make you rue your silly hyphenating ways. But I'm sort of aiming to/trying to raise my children to have the gumption to solve this far from insurmountable problem themselves...

Never suggested correlation was causation. But it does seem odd to obsess over the feminist credentials of holding on to a name, when their whole life is financially dictated by a man.

Why don't you all use your surname?

Currently both you and your son have the same name, so only one person (your husband) would have the hassle of changing names, instead of two.

Your baby will have your name by default anyway.

Seems far simpler than changing yours and your son's.

There's no such thing as a feminist 'card', but going along with patriarchy in this way is a very clear declaration that you're only a feminist up to a point.

I think people come at this from various angles, I'm not sure there's a right or a wrong way and I don't think it says anything too deep about your feminist credentials

For me, the most important thing was for my children to have the same name as me. I know some people think that taking your husband's name is equivalent to being his chattel but to me giving your children a different name to you is "worse"

I really don't like hyphenated names (purely personal opinion)

Everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do and I don't think there's a right or wrong way

"I agree but OP seems to be worried about losing her feminist card based on this particular choice."
I'm assuming that a) "Feminist Card was a humorous figure of speech (if not where's mine?) and b) this particular choice is the one she is currently thinking about. Not the only, the biggest or even the most significant thing she is thinking about.

I was referring to the title of this thread. It’s just a phrase I use myself.

Anyone who accepted an engagement ring has no leg to stand on when it comes to surnames from a feminist viewpoint. You can’t be for sexist gendered traditions when it benefits you with jewelry but then against it if you think it benefits someone else.

*DH offered to take my surname

DH is happy with whatever I choose.*

For me, feminism is about having choices, not doing blindly what society dictates. I honestly think your feminist principles are all covered here, sounds as if you have got yourself one of the good 'uns there.

Nothing to stop you changing your family name by deed poll (rather than showing your marriage certificate) if that's what it takes for you to be at peace with the very sensible choice to use his family name.

I like the idea of using your former family name as a middle name, too. Do you plan more DC? How would they get a tie to your original family name?

Have at it.