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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Giving baby HIS name - losing my feminist card?

228 replies

Artemi · 29/04/2023 04:43

Hi there, posting as genuinely unsure what to do re: future DC's surname.

DH and I both kept our surnames on marriage, which was important to me for reasons of feminist principle.

DH offered to take my surname but I refused as I'm not close to my family (particularly my dad who is a total arse) and it's not even a particularly nice name
We did consider both double barrelling but frankly cba and we never got round to it

Anyway, I feel like on principle I "should" give DC my surname.

However I genuinely think his surname is nicer, and it makes sense for DC to share the surname of the supportive extended family

I'm not totally opposed to double barrelling but feel like I'd be doing it purely on principle.
One of my friends mentioned giving DC both surnames (no hyphen) so my name is on official documents but can be dropped for day-to-day use if wanted (is this a thing?) or to give one surname as a middle name (his would work well as it can be a boy's first name)

DH is happy with whatever I choose.
I'm scared if I give them a clunky double barrelled name I'll regret the actual name, but if I give them the nicer surname I'll constantly feel defensive about making an "unfeminist" choice

In hindsight, I really wish I'd changed my surname by deed poll before marriage and could then happily pass that on to future DC. I thought I'd made peace with my surname, reclaimed it as "mine" rather than my difficult father's, but evidently not ..
😁

OP posts:
Kendodd · 29/04/2023 10:44

I've solved this problem for the world!

Mum and dad both keep own named on marriage.
Any children are double barrelled.
If mum or dad split and remarry, still both keep own name.
Any children from second marriage double barrelled.

That way a parent always shares one name with their child and children share at least one name with any siblings.

Next generation, everyone has a double barrelled name.
Mum and dad both keep their own names on marriage.
Each hand down one name each to any children, whichever name works best.
Children are all double barrelled.

And so on.

Your welcome!

Twiglets1 · 29/04/2023 10:46

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 10:38

I think the reason I feel quite strongly about this is that women (not women on here-women generally) say they are making informed decisions on the issue and agree things should change, but around 95% of children still have their father's name. Which means that women still make a decision driven by patriarchal thinking, even when it's a painless, consequence free choice. Which is a bit depressing, really, in 2023.

Yes it's true I think that not enough women really think about this issue before agreeing to just change their name to his because "tradition". In an ideal world it should be closer to 50/50 but we're a very long way off that.

I know I thought seriously about it and obviously OP is doing so too, but it shouldn't be automatic, I agree.

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 10:48

@Twiglets1 "I took my DH’s name because I preferred it for our family. That’s not anti-feminist."

It is, actually! It's a libertarian or an equalist choice , but it is anti feminist. Of course, feminists do make anti feminist choices for all sorts of reasons. But just because a woman makes a choice doesn't make it feminist.

Twiglets1 · 29/04/2023 10:50

Kendodd · 29/04/2023 10:44

I've solved this problem for the world!

Mum and dad both keep own named on marriage.
Any children are double barrelled.
If mum or dad split and remarry, still both keep own name.
Any children from second marriage double barrelled.

That way a parent always shares one name with their child and children share at least one name with any siblings.

Next generation, everyone has a double barrelled name.
Mum and dad both keep their own names on marriage.
Each hand down one name each to any children, whichever name works best.
Children are all double barrelled.

And so on.

Your welcome!

Hyphenated surnames don't work in every case though - sorry! Combining my husband's name with mine would have sounded awful.

Taylor - Burton sounds great
Taylor- Tinker not so much

DietrichandDiMaggio · 29/04/2023 10:52

YouJustDoYou · 29/04/2023 06:30

I thought in terms of legalities when we had ours rather than what our feelings wanted, travelling abroad, school stuff etc would've been more difficult had the kids had different surnames to either dh or myself.

People always say this, but it really doesn't.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 29/04/2023 10:54

Sorry, end of that disappeared- it really doesn't cause problems with schools, doctors etc.

Kendodd · 29/04/2023 10:55

Question to all the women with ugly sounding, difficult to spell etc names.

Did your brothers take their wives names when they married?

JulieHoney · 29/04/2023 10:57

From the child’s perspective, our three are glad they have hyphenated names. They like that it applies only to them.

We debated for months when expecting our first child. We spoke about it recently with them as young adults and they were empathetic in liking the double surname over a single. (Surprised me a bit, but I’m glad)

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 10:57

We have travelled extensively, done hospitals,schools, all the normal stuff as myname, hisname and the two little myname-hisnames without the slightest difficulty since 1995.

multivac · 29/04/2023 10:59

We aren't married, but if we were, I would have kept my surname. Naming our sons was my choice, and I chose to give them their father's surname. For me, it was a kind of commitment, I suppose, and a statement; their link to me is written on my body - I wanted to give him (and them) a public link, too. They are 18 now, and not once has it been an issue that our names are different 🙂.

pinkyredrose · 29/04/2023 11:00

If I was to change my name, I would have changed it to either my mum's maiden name or just dropped my surname and used my current middle name as my new surname (it works). So both options are names that I already have a lifelong connection to.

Why don't you do one of these now and give DC your new name?

mauveiscurious · 29/04/2023 11:04

@Awrite
"Except my dd has my name so when she comes to choose, it will be her mother's name or the father's father's name.

Nonsense argument meant to put women back in their place.

Change has to start somewhere"

This is not a nonsense argument - our fathers give us their names through history a generation isn't going to change that.

Either way it's a male name unless you chose something new and then it's yours

Twiglets1 · 29/04/2023 11:05

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 10:48

@Twiglets1 "I took my DH’s name because I preferred it for our family. That’s not anti-feminist."

It is, actually! It's a libertarian or an equalist choice , but it is anti feminist. Of course, feminists do make anti feminist choices for all sorts of reasons. But just because a woman makes a choice doesn't make it feminist.

I assume you meant to quote @Dibblydoodahdah as she said it, not me.

RedTulipsSpring · 29/04/2023 11:08

ladygindiva · 29/04/2023 07:59

I have a few friends who congratulate themselves on their feminist points by hyphenating their surnames. Interestingly they are mostly financially dependent on men. I've given my kids their dads names but have always been financially independent on noone , had my own career and property etc. To me it's just a name, there are far better more important ways to model feminism to my daughters.

👏🏻

My thoughts too. Like you, I’m not dependent on my DH.

Sometimes I think it’s a case of what battles are worth fighting.

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 11:08

@Twiglets1 Oops-sorry. Been on here too long🫢

TheSimpleRidcully · 29/04/2023 11:08

My DD has my name, DS has their father’s.

It works well for us and is a good compromise. If you have all children of one sex one of you may miss out on having your name carry on, but the usual arrangement of naming a child for it’s father guarantees that anyway.

kitsuneghost · 29/04/2023 11:08

How about changing both your names to a neutral name.

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 11:09

"Sometimes I think it’s a case of what battles are worth fighting". But this isn't a battle. It's a simple, painless, consequence free choice.

Twiglets1 · 29/04/2023 11:10

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 11:08

@Twiglets1 Oops-sorry. Been on here too long🫢

No problem - I knew it wasn't me as I don't call my husband DH, that's one Mumsnet tradition I cannot abide.

urbanbuddha · 29/04/2023 11:14

If your middle name works as a surname you could use it as the first part of a hyphenated surname. Or give it as a second middle name. Then you’d share that with the dc.

Friths · 29/04/2023 11:15

You don't have to share a name to be a family FFS. We have our own names and the DC have one or the other of them. We took turns and the first one was decided by a coin toss.

Precipice · 29/04/2023 11:19

Nothing clunky about a double barrelled name!

Anyway, I feel like on principle I "should" give DC my surname. Stick to this.

I'm not totally opposed to double barrelling but feel like I'd be doing it purely on principle. Do you think your principles don't matter? Do you think principles are there to be some vague idea you vaguely support rather than something that guides your actions?

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2023 11:24

I find the posts saying they've given their children different surnames and it makes no difference interesting (not wrong) because my DC have always put a lot of weight on what their surnames are, of their own volition. I remember doing the same as a kid.

I have a DSS who has my DPs surname and we already have a lot of issues with him and my DD1 thinking he is my DPs, and DD is mine, due to ingrained thoughts about gender they've picked up from nursery/school. I can only imagine they would think that way doubly if DD didn't have my DPs surname too. DSS talks a lot about who has that name, it's clear he puts a lot of weight on that (and it's why he still views his mum as part of my DPs family, because she kept her married name, even though she has nothing to do with them anymore and hasn't during his memory)

I think I might have decided differently had the blended family element not been a consideration and pushed for my DC to have my name. But still, it does seem to inform their opinions quite heavily who has whose surname.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 29/04/2023 11:45

both of you change your name by deedpoll - give the child that name

e.g. if you're Smith (which you don't much like) and his family are Barnes you might settle on Barnley

that way the pair of you and you're children can have the same family name, without it being one person taking the others name.

SnapDragon5 · 29/04/2023 11:46

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 10:08

@SnapDragon5 "we won't be using our child's name to pass on a feminist message to the world."

I really don't want to sound snarky-but why are you happy to use it to pass on a patriarchal message to the world?

I mean, you do sound a bit 'snarky' because I didn't say that we are going to choose my husband's surname. We might choose mine, we might double-barrel. We haven't decided yet.

All I said is that when we make the decision it won't be purely based on feminist values. There might be other, personal reasons why we may choose to use my husband's name or to double-barrel, and we won't discount those purely because we believe in feminism. I have already made a statement about that with my own choice of title and surname.