Giving baby HIS name - losing my feminist card?

[Artemi]

Hi there, posting as genuinely unsure what to do re: future DC's surname.

DH and I both kept our surnames on marriage, which was important to me for reasons of feminist principle.

DH offered to take my surname but I refused as I'm not close to my family (particularly my dad who is a total arse) and it's not even a particularly nice name
We did consider both double barrelling but frankly cba and we never got round to it

Anyway, I feel like on principle I "should" give DC my surname.

However I genuinely think his surname is nicer, and it makes sense for DC to share the surname of the supportive extended family

I'm not totally opposed to double barrelling but feel like I'd be doing it purely on principle.
One of my friends mentioned giving DC both surnames (no hyphen) so my name is on official documents but can be dropped for day-to-day use if wanted (is this a thing?) or to give one surname as a middle name (his would work well as it can be a boy's first name)

DH is happy with whatever I choose.
I'm scared if I give them a clunky double barrelled name I'll regret the actual name, but if I give them the nicer surname I'll constantly feel defensive about making an "unfeminist" choice

In hindsight, I really wish I'd changed my surname by deed poll before marriage and could then happily pass that on to future DC. I thought I'd made peace with my surname, reclaimed it as "mine" rather than my difficult father's, but evidently not ..
😁

Changing your name is the logical thing to do.

Even though I am a feminist I took DHs name. Like you there were family problems on my side and my DM changed her name when she remarried so it wasn't really a family name iyswim.

I wanted to be part of a team, for my family to be a unit. To do that we needed a name. DH had a perfectly good name. I don't see it as unfeminist to use it.

He would have been happy to invent a new name, but that seemed like a lot of palaver for no gain.

I had the same dilemma OP. Why on earth should I change my name after 30 years of having it just because I got married? It felt like I was handing over my identity so I kept my name and DH didn’t care.
when we had kids I insisted my surname was in there too, not as a hyphenated name but a bit like the Spanish system. So the kids have my surname as a middle name. I figured they can choose when they’re older which one to use. The only down side is they have A LOT of names 😀

For me feminism is about having the right to choose the name(s) so you are all good!

my kids have double barrel surnames.

I think the idea of one as a middle name is nice and a good alternative if your prefer not to hyphenate.

My two brothers both married feminists. Brother A's kids took his name because it was much nicer. Brother B's kids took her name because it was much nicer. It is a very good criterion for selecting surnames and you should do it without shame, OP.

Can I just gently point out that every time I discuss this, either on line or in RL the discussion is full of women explaining why, in their particular circumstances, it makes sense for their children to have their father's name. (I know there are some exceptions.) And every single one of those explanations could apply equally to men. But for some reason they don't. Men's names are rarely ugly or difficult to spell or meh or tainted by association with their fathers.... Just a thought.

@PoshCoffee -do they use your name as part of their last name on a day to day basis?

If your DH isn’t that attached to his surname why not pick a new family name for you all?

I changed my name on marriage to my DH’s. He didn’t expect me to, we discussed hyphenating or him taking mine but I actually hated my surname. I also very much wanted us as a family to all have the same surname.

My personal view is that when a couple marry they should discuss whose surname they would prefer to use or if they want to hyphenate. It doesn’t have to be the man’s (if it’s a male-female marriage). I have gay friends who have hyphenated surnames and others who have just decided to opt for one of the spouses surnames. No need for it to be any different for heterosexual couples.

I also know someone who decided to keep her surname for work and her DH’s surname for everything else - so, for example, her passport is in her DH’s surname. It just seems to cause her a lot of hassle!

I get sick and tired of people complaining of patriarchy controlling what people do (or not) so stick a feminism label on it to continue to tell people what to do (or not)

Best to decide what you want, own it and if it is right for you, just do it

You’re making a choice. I don’t like the notion of a man “giving” the woman their name.

I changed my surname on marriage primarily because I didn’t want my kids to have the hassle of a double barrelled surname but I wanted to share my kids surname. My DH’s surname is very king and my maiden name not much shorter. Had I not been planning kids I would have kept my own. I also wonder what happens when two double barrelled people meet and marry 🤣

DH already had a child and didn’t want to take my surname and have a sub-family. Names are important to me because of my own childhood and families being “The Smith’s” or “The Jones” just something silly that’s resonated with me.

Anyway, I digress, if it’s a conscious and considered choice I consider that inline with feminist values. Freedom to chose as you see fit.

Picking your child's name "on principle" isn't feminist. Give your child the name YOU want to give them. That's feminist. You clearly prefer your husband's name for the baby and you've given some good reasons.
To then just pick your surname because you feel you should, based on the idea of feminism is just a bit silly imo.

Two parents, two surnames.

You have a few options.

You and DH could change both your names to a third name and share that with the baby.

The baby could get a new surname. Have you read 'Ballet Shoes'? All the girls end up with the name 'Fossil'.

I must admit this appeals to me, you can give a child an inspirational name

In Arab cultures mum takes her eldest child's name as her name, sort of 'mother of baby' so you could do something like that.

Baby can have your husband's surname, or have both names.

I think the middle name is a surname is common in the US for women who take their husband's name, they retain their own name as a middle name.

I think don’t worry about what is/isn’t ‘feminist’. Just do what feels right to you.

Although I’m not following the logic of not wanting to give your child your Family’s surname, because it isn’t just your family’s surname, it’s your surname. So you’re giving him YOUR surname. However I get that feeling around that maybe are probably based on complicated feelings.

I’ve double barrelled my children’s name, as I kept my own name. I’m glad with that decision.

I did read once about people making up their own surnames for their family and I loved that idea……I was just way to lazy for the faf of sorting a name change and changing all our documents. A solution for some who want their own family name though.

Must say I'm surprised at several responses saying "just change your name to DHs, it's not unfeminist and then you can all share a name"

To make it clear, it's no judgement on people who do that, but I categorically do not want to

"Feminist" reasons aside, I'm used to my name and I don't want to change it.

How does this work - if everyones surname is that of both parents then after a few generations aren't surnames incredibly long? Or is only one bit of the surname kept (in which case feels like that's the real surname)

[This is why I tend to think double barrelled hyphenated surnames don't really work as a sustainable norm - you can't keep applying it over generations without your grandkids being Smith-Jones-Turner-Baker and grest grandkids having 8 hyphenated names!]

I think the easiest thing is to give your DC two middle names then their name will be - name, middle name, your surname, DH surname on official doc, but day to day their name and DH surname.

"Give your child the name YOU want to give them."

I agree. Do what you want. But with the knowledge that giving children their father's name is rooted in the patriarchy and there are alternatives if you don't want to perpetuate outdated values.

@fizzandchips "I think the easiest thing is to give your DC two middle names then their name will be - name, middle name, your surname, DH surname on official doc, but day to day their name and DH surname"
In other words-give them their father's name.

My ds from a previous relationship is my surname atm. When I marry i asked him what he wanted to to and he wanted to keep his name and he wants to be ds my surname-his stepdads surname. Baby dc will be partners surname when born.

We kept our own surnames on marriage, and the DCs have DH's surname. I wish we had given them mine as a middle name but I have an unusual middle name and was teased a lot at school so was very sensitive about making theirs unusual. We would have had to choose a different first name for one DC too as it sounds terrible with my surname. We never seriously considered hyphenated for any of us as it would be really clunky (I spell out both names routinely every time I tell someone them). In the end we bowed to convention and went with DH's. We didn't want people thinking they weren't his. I agree its not feminist (and I disagree that feminism is about having this choice) but acknowledge that living in a patriarchal society does mean that some of my life decisions haven't been feminist.

To me it doesn't matter that we don't all have the same surname, I cringe a bit at "The Smiths" etc. It has never been a problem with any paperwork or legal stuff at all (they are older teens now).

You only pass on one or two surnames.

For instance I am Jane Doe Smith.
Husband is John Jones Baker.

Kids could be Baby Smith Baker (most common) or Baby Doe Smith Jones Baker.

I don't think there's anything preventing you from passing more names on. It will just make it harder to fit your name on things.

That wasn’t what I was saying, to be clear. I was saying I did what I wanted and explained my own reasoning.

You do you.

I am really surprised at these responses. I think it is a fundamentally anti- feminist act and I think it's done because people find it difficult to go against tradition.

You see this because people give opposite reasons. "His name is interesting, mine's boring and common" "his name is simple and easy to spell, mine's weird" etc.

If these reasons were true, you'd expect children to be named 50/50 after each parent. They're not. It's about 95% I think in the UK currently given their dad's name.

Patriarchy is very deep rooted. Even my mum and my mil, both highly intelligent, educated, working women who grew up in the 1960s, were very surprised and slightly unhappy that we didn't just give the children their father's name.

(Keeping my own name when we married was less surprising to them. )

For this reason, among others, I feel it's really important to take these small steps to register, as a society, that we are equal to men, our histories are equally important, we and our children are not the property of men, to be labelled as theirs.

Our sons and daughters will their own problems when they marry and have children and have to decide what to name them. Whether or not they have hyphenated surnames. So I think it just gives them more options. We gave our child both our surnames. I won’t be the least bit offended in he doesn’t pass mine (or my husbands) on to any grandchildren, or if he changes his name when he marries. Right now he’s small and it’s really important to me that half his surname matches and that I have that obvious link on our official paperwork when dealing with airport immigration and schools and things. When he’s grown up and independent I won’t need that anymore.