Giving baby HIS name - losing my feminist card?

[Artemi]

Hi there, posting as genuinely unsure what to do re: future DC's surname.

DH and I both kept our surnames on marriage, which was important to me for reasons of feminist principle.

DH offered to take my surname but I refused as I'm not close to my family (particularly my dad who is a total arse) and it's not even a particularly nice name
We did consider both double barrelling but frankly cba and we never got round to it

Anyway, I feel like on principle I "should" give DC my surname.

However I genuinely think his surname is nicer, and it makes sense for DC to share the surname of the supportive extended family

I'm not totally opposed to double barrelling but feel like I'd be doing it purely on principle.
One of my friends mentioned giving DC both surnames (no hyphen) so my name is on official documents but can be dropped for day-to-day use if wanted (is this a thing?) or to give one surname as a middle name (his would work well as it can be a boy's first name)

DH is happy with whatever I choose.
I'm scared if I give them a clunky double barrelled name I'll regret the actual name, but if I give them the nicer surname I'll constantly feel defensive about making an "unfeminist" choice

In hindsight, I really wish I'd changed my surname by deed poll before marriage and could then happily pass that on to future DC. I thought I'd made peace with my surname, reclaimed it as "mine" rather than my difficult father's, but evidently not ..
😁

@PurpleBugz They'll work it out!

@PurpleBugz "The thing with double barrel that put me off was what happens if they have a child with a double barrel partner and then my grandchild had a quadruple barrel surname?"
This has been addressed many times on this thread already if you have a scroll down. The answer is-whatever they want to do. Including-but I think I hope not!-3 hyphens.

I remember being out for a big group meal and another women actually laughing about me keeping my own name and double barrelling our children. This woman was just divorced from her second marriage, so on her third last name, and currently known by her husband's last name, and he'd just left her for another women.

The most committed couple I ever knew kept their own names, double barrelled their children and in fact only got married, in secret, once it became clear that he was, tragically, terminally ill.

He died 30 years ago and she has never even had another relationship ( she was still young when he died, and is very beautiful and intelligent). Because she loved him so much.

They were/ are my parents' closest friends and I think it probably had an influence on me, without me necessarily realising at the time. But it showed me what was possible.

This was all pretty groundbreaking in the 70s/80s

I'd want all of us to have the same surname, whether we opted for mine, his, or a combination.

I agree. Who says it's 'unfeminist' if you have chosen it for perfectly valid reasons? Is to do with how other people will perceive it? In which case, who 'gives one' (as my DC would say)? Don't put a perception of 'feminism' (or even other people's perception of it, on this case the children carrying your name) above other practical and emotional reasons.

I say it’s unfemnist. The OP herself knows it’s unfeminist. Not all decisions made by a woman are feminist.

Not every decision made by a woman is automatically feminist. A decision that perpetuated patriarchal values is unfeminist. We all make them-we should just be aware when we do.

@MerryMarigold

"Who'd say it's unfeminist?"

I would. So would many others, and they have done, on this thread.

What you're both missing there is the "you have chosen it for perfectly valid reasons". If 'feminism' means 'perfectly valid reasons' are no longer 'valid' just because of how they LOOK to other people - then the older I get, the less 'feminist' I'll be.

There were three of us who answered your post, not two.

And many others upthread.

And I don't think any of us missed that.

Why would getting older mean you stop being a feminist? Weird non sequitur.

And if feminism is about theemancipation from patriarchal values, the OP is actually being forced into a decision she doesn't really want to make (giving the children her name) because of 'making a stand' against giving them their father's name. Ie. The decision she wants to make is being controlled. Is that feminism?

Why would getting older mean you stop being a feminist? Weird non sequitur.

Because care less and less about how people perceive me or my decisions, as long as I'm happy with the motivation behind them. OP is not making a patriarchal decision and she should be able to feel comfortable with that, regardless of how others may perceive it.

Surely two surnames is the best option, that way they can use their preferred one socially, easier than double barrell too.

My son was called James Henry Jones, rather than double barrelling his name when I adopted him I changed his name to James Henry Jones Smith, so when he is older he can go by his preferred name, rather than having on surname to choose from or a hyphenated name.

Anyway, it isn’t your fathers surname, or your husbands fathers surname, its your surname and your husbands surname.

The older I get, the more people I meet and the more I see of the world, the MORE feminist I get! And I was pretty feminist when I was 16...

@Simonjt Two last names isn't the way. Unless there's a hyphen one of them always just slides into disuse because there is no convention for use on forms and other official stuff. And guess what- it's always the woman's name that mysteriously vanished!

We haven’t had any issue putting two surnames on a form (all four of us have two surnames), passport, banking etc. If the child decides to give up one name as an adult thats fine. Having two surnames is very common.

DS is still using both surnames, no hyphen. Can’t say it’s ever caused undue problem when form-filling, and as we’ve moved countries and education and health systems three times in his life so far, I’m not anticipating it will start. If he chooses to drop one surname as an adult, that’s his choice, but I’d be surprised if it’s mine that is dropped. I did make sure mine was the latter of the two.

I did make sure mine was the latter of the two.

Well done 👌

@Simonjt "Having two surnames is very common." But usually they have a hyphen. Why is no hyphen better?

A lot of people do not have a hyphenated surname as there is no need to join two names together.

"If I was to change my name, I would have changed it to either my mum's maiden name or just dropped my surname and used my current middle name as my new surname (it works)."

@Artemi
Easy solution then- give baby your current middle name as baby's surname. Husband changes surname to the same, and you drop your current last name, so the whole family matches.

Optional extra- give baby the name of the "supportive grandparents" as a middle name.

This is so true, and so weird. People I thought were friends said the strangest things to me when we chose to give our son my surname: "But he might grow up to change his name when he gets married!" like it was some kind of gotcha 😕, and quite a few people asking whether DH had brothers. He does, and one of them already had two sons by then. The attitude was a bit, "Oh, that's all right then."

I have a sister, no brothers, but it's not like our surname is so amazing that it had to be passed on. It's fairly common. I just wanted to have the same surname as my kids, no more and no less than that really.

@LucyWarlowsRightHand I think you're absolutely right, and those shocked/surprised/disapproving comments are, for me, enough of a reason to do it. Not because I care about the comments, but because they show just how ingrained these sexist attitudes are.

It's almost considered an insult or a crime for a woman to give her children her own name.

I think anything that slightly shakes up people's ideas about what 'has to happen' is worthwhile - and it matters to me too that my children (I have a son and a daughter) grow up understanding that men are not the main characters, with women as decorative accessories.

I was happy to take my husbands name. I consider myself a feminist, but I have complex reasons. One of the reasons my mum has been married multiple times I had a surname of a man she was no longer married too and she had remarried again. My ‘Dad’ is an arse hole and I would never go back to my birth certificate name. My Nan didn’t want me to change my name to her maiden name as she had no love for it. She felt given her divorce and my mums divorce/s I should start on a positive and take my husbands name, she loved him and said give him a chance!

My husbands name is much nicer, he had no issues and said do what I need to do as he knew how hung up on my surname/s. I’ve know had (his) my surname for longer than my old surname. This name feels like my name now.