Giving baby HIS name - losing my feminist card?

[Artemi]

Hi there, posting as genuinely unsure what to do re: future DC's surname.

DH and I both kept our surnames on marriage, which was important to me for reasons of feminist principle.

DH offered to take my surname but I refused as I'm not close to my family (particularly my dad who is a total arse) and it's not even a particularly nice name
We did consider both double barrelling but frankly cba and we never got round to it

Anyway, I feel like on principle I "should" give DC my surname.

However I genuinely think his surname is nicer, and it makes sense for DC to share the surname of the supportive extended family

I'm not totally opposed to double barrelling but feel like I'd be doing it purely on principle.
One of my friends mentioned giving DC both surnames (no hyphen) so my name is on official documents but can be dropped for day-to-day use if wanted (is this a thing?) or to give one surname as a middle name (his would work well as it can be a boy's first name)

DH is happy with whatever I choose.
I'm scared if I give them a clunky double barrelled name I'll regret the actual name, but if I give them the nicer surname I'll constantly feel defensive about making an "unfeminist" choice

In hindsight, I really wish I'd changed my surname by deed poll before marriage and could then happily pass that on to future DC. I thought I'd made peace with my surname, reclaimed it as "mine" rather than my difficult father's, but evidently not ..
😁

I don't get why you don't just take your DH's name too, tbh, given your negative feelings about your own name. Seems an easy win!

I'm also a feminist who didn't take my husband's name on marriage, but am similarly going to give our unborn child his name. His surname is slightly nicer and it also flows much more nicely with the first name we've chosen for the baby, so it would be silly not to, really. I got more of a say on baby's first and middle names, too, so it feels only fair for her to have his surname. I think if you have valid reasons for it, it's fine! No need to overthink it.

And, for reference, "haven't you got anything more important to think about?" is rarely an effective argument. The answer is either "Not at the moment, this is currently very important to me." or "Yes. This is one of the many things, of various levels of importance, that I am currently thinking about."

My DH double barrels with mine. He didn't want the same name as his ex. I just use mine. My kids have chosen as teens to double barrel with mine.

I meant to say Not a phrase I use myself

What makes you think that someone who kept their own name and double-barrelled their children's would wear an engagement ring?!

For me, feminism is about having choices, not doing blindly what society dictates

Feminism is a specific political ideology and practice. It's not just about women having choices.

I understand that. I was saying that I think taking your husband's name and/or giving your children his name is a public declaration that you are supporting and perpetuating patriarchal traditions.

@Whatsthefrequencykenny "Anyone who accepted an engagement ring has no leg to stand on when it comes to surnames from a feminist viewpoint. You can’t be for sexist gendered traditions when it benefits you with jewelry but then against it if you think it benefits someone else."

As my son(happily hyphenated btw) would say "What the what now?"

That is your take on it, I understand. But I’m also a feminist and don’t see it that way. I see myself & other women as equal to men. I wouldn’t worry about changing my name to my partners if I didn’t like my own.

This particular tradition is far from neutral. It's completely part of a system where everyone and everything in the household was the property of the head bloke, including his wife/wives, children, house, animals, etc.

Women can now own property even when married, work, have a claim on children etc.

So I find it weird that so many women continue to do something unnecessary and administratively annoying and time- consuming, in order to perpetuate a system that is deeply and fundamentally opposed to us being autonomous, equal partners in a marriage.

A woman who takes her husband's name is declaring that she isn't equal. If this wasn't the case, men would take their wife's name just as often. Instead of almost never.

@Twiglets1 As a feminist, is the history of why women took their husband's names not relevant to the decision making process?

Following this as I have the same dilemma. Both kept surnames after getting married. His surname is more interesting and he has quite a lot of family in the area we live with the same surname, including his brothers kids. My surname is common so debating put it as middle name. Definitely not double barreling. It’s hard!

I think there’s a lot more to being a feminist parent than surname chosing as well so I am trying not to overly worry about it

"I think there’s a lot more to being a feminist parent than surname chosing as well so I am trying not to overly worry about it"
Of course there is. But not following this particular patriarchal tradition is a simple and painless way of "resisting"!

Honestly you're making this a problem. Being a feminist isn't being forced to make decisions that aren't suitable out of principle. It's having the same options as everyone else and being free to choose the option that's best for you. No one will care if you change your name. You know you have valid reasons to do it. You're being a bit of a martyr to the cause really.

I kept my family name as a middle name and use dhs surname as a middle name. Mine have the same, not hyphenated.

@Brunilde "Being a feminist isn't being forced to make decisions that aren't suitable out of principle."
I don't know what you mean by "suitable" But it's certainly sometimes about making decisions that are difficult and challenging out of principle. And this one is neither. It's straight forward and painless.

@FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb Do they use your name regularly when they have to give their last name?

I wouldn't let your feminist stance get in the way of what you want to do. I took my husband's name, partly because I liked it more than my own. My kids also have that name. I don't feel it makes me any less of a feminist. It was my choice and like your Dh, mine would have been fine either way.
Let's face it, your DC will have one or both of 2 "men's names" (your DH or Dad's name). Sounds like you are a bigger fan of your DH, so I would go with that one. Or throw in your mother's maiden name as a second surname if you had a better relationship with her.

I respect your choice, but really it's your father' surname or your husband', there are no real feminist choices here

It really isn’t. It’s the OP’s birth name, just as her husband has a birth name. It’s hardly the OP’s responsibility that earlier generations didn’t or couldn’t make different choices about surname usage. Women’s birth surnames are not less their own than men’s.

@mauveiscurious "I respect your choice, but really it's your father' surname or your husband', there are no real feminist choices here"

I think this sums it up perfectly unfortunately

Ooh, I hate this one even more than I hate 'but what will they do when they marry?!'. My name is my name to the exact same degree that my brother's is his name. No one ever tells him he has our father's name because he doesn't, he has his own name, and nor do I - it's my name, I'm not just borrowing it.

Because you've made it sound like you have such hang ups with your name that you wouldn't want your children to have it, so why would you want to have it yourself?

I understand your issues with taking your DH's name but the OP comes across like you don't want yours either.