Ways that men "check out " of family life

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Inspired by another thread where its apparently unreasonable to expect someone to stay and help on Xmas day and wanting them to do so is controlling, it got me thinking of all the ways in which partners , very often male partners, check out of family life

We see many threads on this also

We have- hobbies. The ones that seemingly involve alot of time and/or expense. Often involve smoking or drinking or getting dirty and smelly so inevitably upon return showers etc are needed before they can hug or pick.up.a child.

Luxury poos. Never is it ok to wait for u. You must wait for them by any means necessary. Strange how even bodily functions can be used to assert dominance or unavailability.

The " I've been at work all day" excuse. We all know the house cleans itself. The dinner miraculously appears in the slow cooker and the kids can walk several miles to school by themselves even in reception.

The " we can't afford the time.off work " excuse. Usually followed by a day off fir them to do their hobby.

The " you have the car" clause. Because buses don't exist.. nor do trains . I mean how did i manage before I got the car?

The falling asleep on the sofa method. This is a particularly frustrating one because fir some they honestly believe their presence in the house is enough to be considered to be contributing.

And last but not least the " I don't know where anything goes/how to get there/ I don't know anyone / the kids prefer u to do it" method used to excuse no one putting washing away or getting home work.done while you are working.

Feel free to add any more

[KimikosNightmare]

@Comedycook

Actually this thread has got me today. Dh has invited guests over for lunch. The House is a tip and I've got loads of cooking to do. Is He helping? Is he fuck! He's watched the news for a bit...he's now had a long shower so the bathroom is dripping wet and I have to clean it so it's ready for guests to use. Ffs

Have you lost the power of speech?

And why on earth do you have to clean the bathroom just because it's wet? It'll dry out.

[Comedycook]

And why on earth do you have to clean the bathroom just because it's wet? It'll dry out

Sorry don't want to derail the thread but the damp is affecting the plaster and the idiot who put the bathroom in (not dh or I) didn't fit an extractor fan or a window which opens

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

My ex husband when asked once to cut the grass: it looked like a contractor had been in with a bulldozer to dig up parts of my perfect lawn. He then, not content with destroying my immaculate garden, mowed over the cable and got electrocuted.
When asked to go out and pull up the weeds, pulled up the plants not the weeds as he could not tell the difference between a dandelion and a flower.
Same in the house - unable to do any job without fucking it up including his actual job, he was always getting fired yet had an ago the size of a planet and was always right.

[CaptSkippy]

I got another one:

" You'll just criticize me when I do it anyway, so I am not even going to bother to try"

Have seen and heard this way too often.

[SparklingLime]

@Comedycook

And why on earth do you have to clean the bathroom just because it's wet? It'll dry out

Sorry don't want to derail the thread but the damp is affecting the plaster and the idiot who put the bathroom in (not dh or I) didn't fit an extractor fan or a window which opens

But that is your husband’s responsibility - he had the shower.

[mugglenutmeg]

The lack of emotional support, glazing over when any feelings are mentioned. 'I don't do emotions' leaving the entire families emotional load on my shoulders even during me grieving my parents' deaths.

The subtle suggestion that any emotions felt by me must be because I'm hormonal.

Has tantrums and outbursts of his own emotion (after bottling them up) and leaves he to pick up the pieces, talk it out and forgive.

Writing it down like this makes me realise how broken this is....

[RJnomore1]

@Comedycook that is a problem.

What’s the great spreader of wet currently doing seeing as he isn’t cleaning up his own mess? I’d use his favourite t shirt to do it. Then leave it on his pillow. And I’d only be doing it so the fabric of the house wasn’t compromised.

Look, this happens at work too. And not just men in that context. My biggest piece of advice to junior staff is, stop solving problems for other people because as soon as you do, it becomes your problem and they expect you do it all the time.

[FFSFFSFFS]

@comedycook - I genuinely don’t understand why you’re doing it? Tell him to do it. And if it’s not done when the guests arrived shrug and say that it’s his event he arranged.

[BitcherOfBlakiven]

If we all refused to put up with this shit, men would have no choice but to stop being useless fuckwits.

My ex only recently moved back out of his parents (a decade after we split up!) - his Mum does all his cleaning, laundry, food shopping and fills his fridge with meals she’s made so the poor wee lamb doesn’t have to cook after a day at work, or when he’s got our DDs.

Our DDs find it both hilarious and pathetic in equal measure.

[Holly60]

Goodness I realise how lucky I am when I read threads like this. My DH has always:

Cooked in the evening (more than me)
Taken over the kids as soon as he gets home
Shared bedtime routine equally when kiddos were little
Some housework when it needed doing
Shared tasks such as Xmas shopping etc
Bought and written his own cards

The one thing that he does subscribe to and always has is the luxury poo 😂 and yes it drives me insane (less now we don’t have little ones) but I get my own back with epic baths ….

[Holly60]

Some housework should read ‘DONE’ housework 😂😂😂 otherwise it reads very differently!

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I'm surprised there aren't more murders quite honestly.

[TerraNovaTwo]

My Ddad wasn't like this as a father and husband. My ex was and still is.

[TerraNovaTwo]

@TerraNovaTwo

My Ddad wasn't like this as a father and husband. My ex was and still is.

Would rather be a single mother than put up with being treated like a servant.

[Fritilleries]

@Comedycook

Actually this thread has got me today. Dh has invited guests over for lunch. The House is a tip and I've got loads of cooking to do. Is He helping? Is he fuck! He's watched the news for a bit...he's now had a long shower so the bathroom is dripping wet and I have to clean it so it's ready for guests to use. Ffs

Why? Leave the bathroom a tip and let the guests deal with it. I wouldn't be cooking either.

[Slowchimes]

[quote RJnomore1]@Slowchimes I’ve read many threads on here where women are so busy being primary parent and the only person who CAN do for their child there is no space for anyone else even the father to step up.

It’s definitely not always the case but it happens frequently on here and it’s encouraged by other posters. It was that I was referring to. Step back and create space to step up; if it doesn’t happen you have a problem.[/quote]
I do understand that RJnomore1 but I still think it is a bit unfair to blame the women!

An example of my own; I stepped back from housework for eight weeks a while back. Not from the basic cleaning, as I work far, far, less hours than my DH, but from picking up after everyone ...dirty laundry, coats, keys, shoes, cables, papers, bills, books, mugs, empty loo rolls & shampoo bottles etc. No one picked anything up! The house became a tip. Everyone acknowledged it was a tip but it didn't bother them sufficiently to do anything about it. It didn't bother DH it being a tip in the same way it bothered me. But I don't want to live in a tip, so I started picking it again. Is it my fault that no one stepped up? Or should I just overcome my feelings of stress about living in a pigsty? Is that what you call "women facilitating men" because that sounds like it's an intentional deliberate strategy, when most of the time women find themselves in a situation that isn't ideal which wasn't of their own creation.

Now the Mumsnet solution to this is "LBA' but life isn't always that simple. DH works massively long hours , travels a lot in normal times, but nonetheless steps up when it comes to food shopping and cooking and is a very hands on father. He is also very intelligent, funny, responsible, reliable and positive. I love him and although his mess is intensely annoying, I don't want to leave him. Is that what you call "facilitation"? Does his mess in other words cancel out all the good things he does? I would probably say, on balance, no it doesn't , but that doesn't mean that I have created or facilitated the issue and it doesn't mean that it isn't a massive pita either!

There isn't always an "easy" solution!

[Slowchimes]

Sorry, fewer hours, not less hours!

[Notlostjustexploring]

First off, I need to say I'm heartened by the number of references to "my ex did this, rather than current partner.


I think I needed to read this today. I think I've started to slip into this, despite the fact we work equal hours. Yes he gets up with the kids, yes he does the dishwasher, cuts the grass, but I seem to be responsible for everything. If I don't think about it, it doesn't get done. So the last couple of months we've missed a parent/teacher conference, teacher didn't get a Christmas card/present, we don't have any wrapping paper to wrap presents and a car hasn't been repaired. But it's me who feels the guilt, gets the blame, picks up the pieces.

I'm going to blame socialisation as well. I've written out a list of everything that's going to need done by Christmas. Technically not all of it is necessary but it is me who will be judged and blamed if it is not done. And like many, I'm not going to stop doing things as it's the kids who will end up disappointed.

I'm over due having a word with said husband about this. He's usually pretty good, and I'm pissed off at myself for not pulling him up earlier.

I think the low bar for all men doesn't help.

I feel better after that. Thanks!!

[JudesBiggestFan]

I agree with all these examples...but women facilitate it. I was reflecting on this last night when my 10 year old threw up at 4am. Many years ago our now 13 year old did the same and my husband said...I just can't help, I'll honestly be sick as well, I hate it.
To which I said, 'that's fine, you'll just have to clean your own sick up as well then. There's not one person in the universe that enjoys cleaning up sick, but you had kids, it's part of the deal. Now would you rather strip the bed and shower down DC or scrub the carpet?'
He resentfully picked option A and miraculously managed to complete said task without vomiting!
Last night, three kids in, we were a well oiled machine. If I'd facilitated him that one time I'd have been doing it forever.
But women have to know their power and maintain it. I have always made it known that divorce is an option and I will take him for half of everything if I go...and I mean it. Being prepared to walk away from the table means that by and large we are extremely happy and work as a team.
Equally, I have always worked and never put excessive pressure on him to be the breadwinner. Fairness and respect are everything in a marriage.

[Firstruleofsoupover]

Not so much family life but social life - pretending cannot remember names or event dates or meet up times. With people it goes... Thingy... oh.... you know.... the guy with the hair/the BMW/the tosspot what's his name. He knows perfectly well, it's just that by getting me to "remind him" underlines how little it has to do with him. Everything coming as a great surprise "Are we???!" despite being told more than once times place, date, time and general plan.

Mine does another thing of looking very confused a lot of the time if out of the house. Squinting and looking around him as though he has just landed on the planet. Goodness knows who he thinks is looking at him other than me.

Mine very good on the whole, I do feel a bit mean saying the above but I bet I'm not alone and it has not been the greatest weekend. Bet I'm not alone in that either huh probably applies to whole country and indeed whole world.

[KimikosNightmare]

@Comedycook

And why on earth do you have to clean the bathroom just because it's wet? It'll dry out

Sorry don't want to derail the thread but the damp is affecting the plaster and the idiot who put the bathroom in (not dh or I) didn't fit an extractor fan or a window which opens

Again- have you lost the power of speech? Why are you doing it?

[TheVanguardSix]

Every little thing that needed to be done by adults in the house- and by professionals, I'll add (i.e. rewiring, tightening floorboards, repairing wall cracks), turned into "We'll get the kids to do it (our youngest is 7 )," quickly followed by a lecture on how the kids aren't being taught to be independent and responsible... at their age, they should know how to render the front of the house, blah fucking blah. This coming from a man who can't even wash his own cup, can't even hoover/mow a lawn/change a lightbulb/wash a load of laundry- not ONCE did he do this. I had to go stay with my brother during his cancer treatment. I kid you not, my sister in law flew from Australia to stay with my kids because my former husband 'couldn't cope' for one week.
We're mid-divorce now. This guy was seriously making me ill. Helpless as a fucking lamb but oh-so-quick to remind you, "I'm a doctor who's been to medical school... don't tell me how to do it!" But he couldn't even wipe his own arse. I brought the toolboxes into this marriage! Fuck him. What's great is, because he ended up sexually abusing our daughter, we don't ever have to see this septic shithole of a human again. There's an upside to everything.

[G5000]

he's now had a long shower so the bathroom is dripping wet and I have to clean it

Why do you have to clean it? DH made the mess and his guests. So either he cleans or his guests will have wet feet. You're not his live-in maid.

[Drunkpanda]

We have issues with our teenager not washing properly - he smells most days despite always having clean clothes. Dh commented to me today about how bad he (ds) smelt after his bath last night. I said he'd have to talk to him about it. I initiated a conversation when ds came downstairs. Dh said nothing. I said about noticing him smelling, again no back up from the man who raised the problem today.
Ds (who has adhd) has now completely gone off at me and his dad remains the lovely parent who never criticises.
He would actually listen if it was his dad who said it. I'm too angry to even speak to H right now.

[ToastofLandon]

@RJnomore1

I know the thread you’re talking about.

I agree with your comments by and large btw but I do think that in many cases women are creating and facilitating these situations.

I wouldn’t put up with any of that shit you describe for two seconds. What I do have though is a relationship with an adult where if he agreed to go do something for 90 minutes and be back at x time I could trust him to do that. I could trust him to pitch in and do his share of the work the rest of the day. I could trust him to parent his own children while I did what I needed to. I could trust him not to disappear for half hour for a poo, to shower in a decent amount of time, not to do a crap job or make my life awkward.

So while it’s a man issue, and I realise I’ll get roasted for saying this on feminist chat 😬 we need to raise the bar in what we do. Why facilitate this shite. Why tolerate a relationship which doesn’t have the very basics I spell out above. Why live with someone you can’t trust to balance his and your life and where his actual bodily functions are an issue.

I’d rather be alone.

I was thinking the same. Why go on to have kids with any man that behaves like this?