Family members using my husband’s name when addressing us

[DystopianTimes]

Hi,
I was just wondering what other women do. We got married 2 years ago, we’re now both in our fifties. I have kept my old name but Christmas cards etc assume I’m Mrs rather than my actual name which is Ms . What do others do in this situation? I’m bamboozled at the moment about family and friends in their 30s where the women are changing their names to their husband’s, it seems really old fashioned to me. Their choice, but it’s really not for me. I don’t want to be aggressive and petty but what’s the best way to tell husband’s family members that I’ve not changed my name without making a big issue of it?

PS thankyou in advance for helpful advice.

There are a lot of hills I’m prepared to die on, but this isn’t one of them. I didn’t change my name either and often get Mrs on letters and cards. Unless it is a pain (ie a cheque in the wrong name) I just answer to it/say thanks for the card etc.

Passive aggressive route: when you write your Christmas cards, send them to Mrs and Mr woman's first name and woman's born (maiden) name.

Or casually bring up the issue of women keeping their name in conversation next time you see them, and say that you kept yours.

We've been married nearly 25 years and I have never been anything but Ms Dibbler my whole life (well, I think I started using Ms at 13) and despite change of address cards (several), birth announcements (ds is myname-hisname) , all my social media and so on being in my name we still get cards to Mr+Mrs Hisname. I don't open anything not addressed to me and we joke about dh's fancy woman. Drives me nuts tbh

I don't know the answer but will watch this thread for useful advice. I took DH's surname because I preferred it and it seemed easier for admin reasons, but my family still address envelopes with joint Christmas cards etc to "Mr and Mrs J Knopf" (J being his initial not mine). It annoys me every time because it just isn't necessary (ie we don't live with his parents so no need to differentiate) and I took his name, I didn't lose my identity as an equal individual...

It's a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but still annoying (I understand it's bigger for OP if she didn't take his name at all)

My friend has never married yet receives cards addressed to Mr and Mrs His name. She did a fb post about how annoying it is and got some "upset" replies along the lines of "how else am I supposed to address the enveloped?!". But it put a stop to it!

There's a couple of people on my husband's side who do this, I find it presumptuous to the extent that I don't know if they're making a point. One of them is in his late 90s, so I can excuse that, but the others are young enough to know that it's not automatic these days. I don't say anything, though, it's only on the Christmas cards.

It is just the old fashioned formal way of addressing a married couple. It will go out of fashion in time I suppose.

I remind people directly. It is passive aggressive on the part of some of my older aunts who clearly disapprove of me keeping my name. It's frustrating and rude but I am not sure what more to do!

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I know it’s not the end of the world but it is annoying. It’s easy enough to drift into anonymity as an older woman without name changing to accelerate that.

To address the comment about women in their 30's taking their husband's name...My father is an abusive arsehole so given the chance to ditch his name without attracting a ton of confrontation from wider family, I took it like a shot. I don't really understand how it's considered more feminist to have your father's name than your husband's. I could understand someone changing their name to a completely made up surname that isn't just another man's name, but I've barely ever heard mention of that in these discussions. It's always "maiden name" Vs husband's name.

I’m double barrelled, but it doesn’t bother me if they just use DH’s surname. There’s worse things !

I mean, I rarely know whether people have changed their surname or not. People are usually addressed by their first names not surnames in family and friend relationships. If it matters to you then point it out as they probably don't even know. But really for one card a year I wouldn't be bothered.

@endofthelinefinally

It is just the old fashioned formal way of addressing a married couple. It will go out of fashion in time I suppose.

Yes. When a once married woman is divorced, or widowed, she would then be formally addressed as Mrs (her initial) surname. It was taught as etiquette at secretarial college back in the day.

@LesterKnopf

I don't know the answer but will watch this thread for useful advice. I took DH's surname because I preferred it and it seemed easier for admin reasons, but my family still address envelopes with joint Christmas cards etc to "Mr and Mrs J Knopf" (J being his initial not mine). It annoys me every time because it just isn't necessary (ie we don't live with his parents so no need to differentiate) and I took his name, I didn't lose my identity as an equal individual...

It's a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but still annoying (I understand it's bigger for OP if she didn't take his name at all)

DS's school used to do this. I complained to the Head about how inappropriate it was for the school to be doing this whilst educating young women. Thankfully they have now changed it.

I don't really understand how it's considered more feminist to have your father's name than your husband's.

The assumption that my name that I've had from birth is "my father's" but that my husband's name which he also got at birth from his father is "his" is also sexist though, isn't it?

I'm married nearly 30 years and this still annoys me. The only one who still does it is bil, who does it because he is an asshole who is making a point (i.e. he doesn't approve of this new fangled feminist approach and if his surname is good enough for his wife, who do I think I am not changing mine). I just ignore him now.

Anyone else, I just mention it when I see them next in an "oh by the way" approach. Some of them took a couple of reminders but most just went "oh right" and didn't do it again.

Way back when I got married, it was the norm (at least in my circles) not to change your name. Changing your name seems more common now than it was, which I find a bit odd. Where I work, most of the women who have changed their name are younger. All of us oldies kept our names.

I recall dd commenting years ago that it was an amazing coincidence that her grandparents had all married someone with the same surname. Most of her school friends had parent with different surnames and most of our friends were the same.

I’m not married but have been with my partner for 21 years. His grandma always used to address to Mr and Mrs (instead of Dr and Ms ) so assume she thought we had got married! I would correct anyone else, but not her as she was frail and confused.

@pandaparty I agree with you. I’d happily have my mother’s name, but my mum had no siblings, and I have no family left on her side, I’m happy enough to have my dad’s name. It’s everyone else that’s the problem, they all assume my name is now the same as my husband’s.

The assumption that my name that I've had from birth is "my father's" but that my husband's name which he also got at birth from his father is "his" is also sexist though, isn't it?

I can see that point. But that's how names have been traditionally passed down. They are passed down through the male line. The whole system is (or has been) about men passing their names on to their sons, and staking their claim on women. I think it would be a sexist assumption if there was a history of both men and women passing names down equally. But as it is, because it's historically been the way it is, unless we invent a new surname we all (men and women) get our names from a man. I did actually have my mum's surname for a time, but then ultimately she got that from my grandad. Who got it from his dad. Who got it from his dad. There is no family name that I can take that has not originated from a man. Same goes for my husband.

Everyone’s comments are really great. Thank you

I am also Ms. SmallBoyFury as my husband married me, he didn’t adopt me.

I don’t pay too much attention to what comes through the post form his family as I don’t see that there’s any malice in it, just an assumption made once a year for Christmas cards so it doesn’t bother me.

My late MIL used to refer to me as Mrs. DHSurname at times and I just didn’t respond to it. Though I always insisted on always booking restaurants when we were meeting them together because they normally arrived early and knowing they had to spend a moment remembering that the table was booked under SmallBoyFury and not DHSurname. PA yes, but it’s the small things.

Annoying isn't it. I only get this from DH's relatives. I guess mine know me better.

It's only this year, when DD is 8, that her Christmas present from BIL arrived with her correct double barreled surname. Previously its always just been DH's surname. Not who why it changed as DH and I never said anything!

Have you never told them you've not changed your name?
If not I can see why they've made that assumption. A lot of people do. It isn't at all confrontational to just tell them.

I feel that my surname is my name. My father also had it but there was a choice of surnames and this one was given to me at birth and so it became mine. Thousands, probably tens of thousands, of people have the same surname and it it doesn't make it any less my surname. I share the same colour eyes as my father had, but they are my eyes and not my father's, similarly the surname is mine. I reject anyone who claims that I don't really own what I definitely do own.