Family members using my husband’s name when addressing us

[DystopianTimes]

Hi,
I was just wondering what other women do. We got married 2 years ago, we’re now both in our fifties. I have kept my old name but Christmas cards etc assume I’m Mrs rather than my actual name which is Ms . What do others do in this situation? I’m bamboozled at the moment about family and friends in their 30s where the women are changing their names to their husband’s, it seems really old fashioned to me. Their choice, but it’s really not for me. I don’t want to be aggressive and petty but what’s the best way to tell husband’s family members that I’ve not changed my name without making a big issue of it?

I think that calling people rude over and over is a childish, redundant, unintelligent argument.

Three women on here have parroted each other, saying over and over that I'm rude.

Can you actually say anything intelligent? Can we have an intelligent discussion? Yes we have established now that you think forgetting a woman's surname is rude. There is zero point in saying this again and again is there? Can we move on now and have an intelligent discussion
.

I mentioned that I know one married woman who kept her own surname. I have said that I have forgotten this several times. I have never called her the wrong name, I have never sent a card to her with the wrong name. I have merely forgotten sometimes in my own mind.

The level of over reaction on here is crazy. What a hill to die on. There a million more important things happening in the world

@OchonAgusOchonOh no it is not obvious from your username that you are Irish. I thought that it looked more Scottish actually. As "Agus" is also a word in Scottish Gaelic. And My Scottish friends say Och sometimes, but my Irish friends never say that.

@Mufasa1118

I think that calling people rude over and over is a childish, redundant, unintelligent argument.

Three women on here have parroted each other, saying over and over that I'm rude.

Can you actually say anything intelligent? Can we have an intelligent discussion? Yes we have established now that you think forgetting a woman's surname is rude. There is zero point in saying this again and again is there? Can we move on now and have an intelligent discussion
.

I mentioned that I know one married woman who kept her own surname. I have said that I have forgotten this several times. I have never called her the wrong name, I have never sent a card to her with the wrong name. I have merely forgotten sometimes in my own mind.

The level of over reaction on here is crazy. What a hill to die on. There a million more important things happening in the world

Oh the "old can't you think of anything more important" defence- as if it's impossible to care about 2 things at the same time.

I can't believe that there are people who bin or return letters or cards that are incorrectly addressed, or even don't cash cheques for that reason

I can’t cash cheques that are incorrectly addressed. The bank will not take them.

If someone started sending you christmas cards and cheques in a completely different surname to the one you use, that’s absolutely fine? If someone decided to address you by your maiden name persistantly, when you have told them you’ve changed your name? Somehow I doubt it would be ok that way round .

And I don’t think “oops, i forgot you were married, no one else I know is” would go down well either.

It’s like insisting on pronouncing someones name incorrectly when they’ve repeatedly corrected you.

It’s rude.

or even don't cash cheques for that reason

Just to hammer home the point. My bank accounts are in the name of Kimiko Nightmare. My husband's are "John Smith"
We don't have a joint bank account

How do you suggest we cash cheques made out
Mrs Kimiko Smith
Mrs John Smith
Mr and Mrs John Smith
Without opening a new account?

@ Mufasa1118 - no it is not obvious from your username that you are Irish. I thought that it looked more Scottish actually. As "Agus" is also a word in Scottish Gaelic. And My Scottish friends say Och sometimes, but my Irish friends never say that.

It's Ochón Agus Ochón Ó (I used the capitals to indicate the start of each word so not och). Leaving cert Irish. Perhaps you have to be of a certain vintage but I didn't think it was that long ago.

I get called by my legal name, which was my surname from birth, by some people. By others, especially where they know my family more as a group, I sometimes get called by the last name of my husband and kids.

I'm happy to be both those people.

@LobsterNapkin

I get called by my legal name, which was my surname from birth, by some people. By others, especially where they know my family more as a group, I sometimes get called by the last name of my husband and kids.

I'm happy to be both those people.

You understand why not everyone is though, right?

I'm glad I found this thread. I feel less alone in my rage! I haven't taken his surname. I've made it really clear that I'm Ms Radish. My own mum refuses to accept it and the xmas card addressed to Mr & Mrs His Initial His Surname arrived today. It's getting to the point where I'm finding it really rude. She knows that isn't my name, I've said countless times that I've not changed it, but she won't stop.

I have various Christmas cards addressed to me as Mrs X - despite the fact that I never did my change my name when I got married. And am now divorced. Getting pretty fed up with it really - I have mentioned it to the sender relatives before but still they persist ...

@DynamiteFilledRadish

I'm glad I found this thread. I feel less alone in my rage! I haven't taken his surname. I've made it really clear that I'm Ms Radish. My own mum refuses to accept it and the xmas card addressed to Mr & Mrs His Initial His Surname arrived today. It's getting to the point where I'm finding it really rude. She knows that isn't my name, I've said countless times that I've not changed it, but she won't stop.

Ahhh, I feel your pain. My mum (if still alive) would definitely have got my name right. It’s the context for me eg, if a delivery person assumes my name is Mrs , as I’m taking receipt of a parcel, I don’t care about that. I think generally it’s rude to assume, and yesterday after I filled in a form with it on, I still got called Mrs . I did correct her on that one (nicely).

I still get Mrs EXh narcissistictwat

Left 4 years ago. Was clear why.
Divorced. Name changed.

Why oh why. Even if you weren't sure, surely someone who is divorced you'd not
assume to write Mrs. You either avoid a title or go with Ms or Miss

Let's say my husband is called Joe Bloggs and I was Anne Smith before I got married. I am now Anne Smith Bloggs. I have used that name on all correspondence and communication since signing the marriage register, 20+ years ago.

So far, all our Christmas cards are addressesd wrong. We've had Mr and Mrs J Boggs, Mr and Mrs Joe Bloggs, Mr and Mrs J Bloggs-Smith...
Never is it Mr J Bloggs and Mrs A Smith Bloggs.

Its not difficult. It's on all the cards I send to people every year.
It just feels disrespectful when I am clear I the name I use, and always check when addressing others.

I have a question.
Why get married at all? Marriage was invented by men, and it is a patriarchal tradition. Marriage was invented originally to make one woman servant to a man for his life.
Aren't you all just following ancient patriarchal tradition by getting married?
I will never get married. I am well able to survive on my own and do everything for myself.

Because it offers a combination of legal and financial protections that are desirable to me in my circumstances and are unavailable outside the institution of marriage. Or CP I suppose, but that would require a divorce first so it would be a lot of fucking about for nothing.

@Mufasa1118

Marriage these days is more about shared financial legal status.

If you are going to give up work, move in to a partners or rented house, marriage is protection should you split. You’ll be entitled to 50:50 of all assets.

However if you are the higher earner, house owner etc then by getting married you are agreeing to share all that with a partner.

Bottom line is women with children are nearly always the ones who choose to give up work and/or be supported by their husbands, so they need to be married.

Yes, there's not enough discussion of the fact that patriarchy adores it when women continue to bear the brunt of the caring and reproductive load, and associated financial harms, without even the patchy legal and financial protections offered by marriage.

@nomoreusernames1244 but none of us have to give up work or move into a partners house. None of us have to have children either.

I am mid 30's, single, no children. I own my own house.

Even if a woman couldnt afford to live by herself, she could live with female friends. I know some women who are not married in their forties, who share a house together

There are many other options than just marriage . Think outside the old fashioned box. It is only one small box

[quote Nomoreusernames1244]@Mufasa1118

Marriage these days is more about shared financial legal status.

If you are going to give up work, move in to a partners or rented house, marriage is protection should you split. You’ll be entitled to 50:50 of all assets.

However if you are the higher earner, house owner etc then by getting married you are agreeing to share all that with a partner.

Bottom line is women with children are nearly always the ones who choose to give up work and/or be supported by their husbands, so they need to be married.[/quote]
On top of that it’s about protection in later life, it’s easier for my husband to be my legal next of kin than another family member. If we weren’t married and I died then my half of our estate would go to my next of kin and he’d have none of it, and he’d not get my pension either. I’d want him to be comfortable without me, and vice versa. Then there’s the benefit of inheritance tax as a married couple, and being next of kin in end of life scenarios. I see us as equals in our marriage and so does he.

None of us HAVE to have children either.

I don't know why many women don't look and see that there are many, many other options available to us other than getting married/having children.

None of us have to have children, coercive situations aside, but it's extremely naive to imagine that when we do have them, we can opt out of the factors that lead people, disproportionately the female ones, to give up work. There are so many kids whose SEN and/or health complaints simply cannot be managed around two full time jobs.

@Mufasa1118

I have a question. Why get married at all? Marriage was invented by men, and it is a patriarchal tradition. Marriage was invented originally to make one woman servant to a man for his life. Aren't you all just following ancient patriarchal tradition by getting married? I will never get married. I am well able to survive on my own and do everything for myself.

We’d have had a civil partnership if they had been available for straight couples then.

They weren’t, and we wanted the inheritance tax breaks that marriage confers, so that’s what we went with. It’s a legal agreement in every sense.

but none of us have to give up work or move into a partners house. None of us have to have children either

Nope, nobody has to. Men don’t have to be the breadwinners either.

But out society still isn’t equal in that regard- gender pay gaps, seeing women as the childcarers, men as lesser if they choose to. So inevitably women do give up work, often not seeing the long term costs to pension and independence. “Childcare means it’s not worth me working”, or they take on the lions share of wifework, so full time employment, plus children, plus house stuff, while husband fulfills his duty by going to work.

Plus there is still a cachet to being married- ask women why they change their names and use Mrs- “because I’m proud to be his wife”.

I don’t agree. Marriage for me as a homeowner and higher earner, i would be shafted on divorce. Yet still I get people tell me i need marriage “for protection”, as automatically they assume I, as the woman, cannot possibly be financially better off. Or that being an unmarried mother is somehow frowned upon.

And yes, there are alternatives. But it’s easier, and can be cheaper to get married than to have all the documents drawn up legally. Plus, as I said there’s the big party, dress, admiring guests etc…

And yes, there are alternatives. But it’s easier, and can be cheaper to get married than to have all the documents drawn up legally. Plus, as I said there’s the big party, dress, admiring guests etc…

Not even just a question of cheaper. In the UK, it isn't possible to replicate all the provisions of marriage and CP outside of those institutions. Can't be done. If you want them, there's only those two ways. Of course, not everyone does.