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Feminism: chat

Feminism: sex and gender

Original poster

Family members using my husband’s name when addressing us

148 replies

DystopianTimes · 09/12/2021 17:50

Hi,
I was just wondering what other women do. We got married 2 years ago, we’re now both in our fifties. I have kept my old name but Christmas cards etc assume I’m Mrs rather than my actual name which is Ms . What do others do in this situation? I’m bamboozled at the moment about family and friends in their 30s where the women are changing their names to their husband’s, it seems really old fashioned to me. Their choice, but it’s really not for me. I don’t want to be aggressive and petty but what’s the best way to tell husband’s family members that I’ve not changed my name without making a big issue of it?

OP posts:
IAmHereForTheFood · 09/12/2021 19:07

DSis kept her name. Every Christmas & birthday DGM would send her a cheque to Mrs husbands name. Sis sent the first couple back with an explanation & the name was change but she eventually gave up & just didn’t bank the cheques.

DGM died a couple of years ago& DSis was even in her Will as Mrs husbands name, it just never sank in.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/12/2021 19:10

I have to say I mostly ignore people who get it wrong, but very few do. One of my aunts rather amusingly insists that I should be known by my husband's surname but can never remember what that is (funny foreign name). Grin She has in the past introduced me as "my niece Black I can't remember her surname" and I said "AmericanoNoSugar, just like it's always been".

Inmypjsagain · 09/12/2021 19:13

It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve said I haven’t taken my husband’s name, his family will always call us Mr and Mrs Husband! So if you find a way that’s works please let me know 😊

Justbetweenus · 09/12/2021 19:24

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I feel that my surname is my name. My father also had it but there was a choice of surnames and this one was given to me at birth and so it became mine. Thousands, probably tens of thousands, of people have the same surname and it it doesn't make it any less my surname. I share the same colour eyes as my father had, but they are my eyes and not my father's, similarly the surname is mine. I reject anyone who claims that I don't really own what I definitely do own.
This. It’s not “my father’s name” it’s my name that happens to have been by father’s name and mother’s chosen name. Doesn’t make it less mine.

I don’t use my husband’s name. Occasionally we have received post that assumes I do (also mainly from the in laws). I politely pointed out that I don’t use DH’s name, and they stopped. It’s expedient to not have to write two surnames on an envelope - I get that. I don’t think it’s malicious.

LoveFall · 09/12/2021 19:30

This happens to me all the time with Christmas cards. It is also not my hill to die on although it does kind of annoy me.

I think mostly people don't remember my maiden name (the one I have always used). But I know for certain certain members of DH's family do it on purpose because my more feminist and liberal views are not to their liking and it's a way to get a little sly dig in.

Love them anyway!

BoredZelda · 09/12/2021 19:52

I am also Ms. SmallBoyFury as my husband married me, he didn’t adopt me.

What a ridiculous comment. If women choose to use their husband’s surname as the family name how patronising to suggest it has any similarity to adoption.

I preferred for us as a family to share a name. I saw what my sister had to go through having a child with a different surname from her and I didn’t want that. His name was way better than mine and if we’d double barrelled it would have sounded like a European weather forecast so we chose his as the name for our new family. If mine had been better or his worse, we’d have chosen my name. If my daughter ever marries, she’ll be keeping it. Plus, if we are talking about names disappearing, our family name is being carried on elsewhere, but my husband is the only one in his family who will have children.

Skyll · 09/12/2021 19:55

My feminist hill to die on. I send cards (not Christmas - but a welcome new baby one recently) to Mrs & Mr herinitial hersurname.

T(she hasn’t taken his name)

Mufasa1118 · 09/12/2021 19:58

If we want to break the tradition of taking our husband's surname, shouldn't we also break the tradition of taking our father's surname?

In the UK the vast majority of us have our father's surname. Isnt that patriarchal? Why do we take our father's surname and not our mother's?

In Spain, every child takes their mother and father's surname, every child is double barrelled there.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/12/2021 19:59

Just tell them - thanks for your lovely card - by the way I'm still called Wilson.

ColdShouldersWarmTummy · 09/12/2021 20:01

If the cards are coming from your husband's relatives then get him to tell them.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 09/12/2021 20:01

@Mufasa1118

If we want to break the tradition of taking our husband's surname, shouldn't we also break the tradition of taking our father's surname?

In the UK the vast majority of us have our father's surname. Isnt that patriarchal? Why do we take our father's surname and not our mother's?

In Spain, every child takes their mother and father's surname, every child is double barrelled there.

Except it's still patriarchal as it's the name from the maternal line that gets dropped each generation.
Gingeranimals · 09/12/2021 20:05

We solved it by doing a lucky dip to choose our DD surname. I won so she has my name. It seemed the fairest way to do it since we couldn’t agree which to use.

Mufasa1118 · 09/12/2021 20:35

@Justbetweenus it's your father's name.

Why do we have our father's name and not our mother's?.
I am not married and I am in my thirties. Due to the patriarchal society we live in I was given my father's surname at birth. My parents are now long divorced. Recently I have been thinking about changing my surname from my father's name to my mother's surname. As I am much closer to my mother.

Mufasa1118 · 09/12/2021 20:39

@OchonAgusOchonOh the maternal line doesn't always get dropped in each generation in Spain. The maternal surname only gets dropped if the person chooses to marry.

Last time I was in Spain I met plenty of women my age (mid 30's) who were not married, and who still carried their mother's surname.

If they get married, then yes, there comes the patriarchal part. If they get married they must drop their mother's surname.

It is still far less patriarchal In Spain than here, as every single child is given their mother and father's surname at birth in Spain.

I'm just saying - shouldn't we start to rethink why we all take our father's surname(usually) in the UK.

Shedmistress · 09/12/2021 20:50

Stop sending cards, then people will stop sending you cards and the problem will be sorted.

ExquisitelyDecorated · 09/12/2021 21:01

We largely take our father's name rather than our mother's because for the most part our mother's have relinquished theirs on marriage, so it's self-perpetuating. Just because boys and girls both tend to have their father's surname doesn't make it any less sexist, boys nearly always keep theirs for life whereas society still expects girls to change theirs on marriage.

It's been happening to me for 20+ years now, mostly friends not family as I have told all the family and no one was doing it to make a point. The longer it goes on the harder it is to say anything though.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 09/12/2021 21:02

[quote Mufasa1118]@OchonAgusOchonOh the maternal line doesn't always get dropped in each generation in Spain. The maternal surname only gets dropped if the person chooses to marry.

Last time I was in Spain I met plenty of women my age (mid 30's) who were not married, and who still carried their mother's surname.

If they get married, then yes, there comes the patriarchal part. If they get married they must drop their mother's surname.

It is still far less patriarchal In Spain than here, as every single child is given their mother and father's surname at birth in Spain.

I'm just saying - shouldn't we start to rethink why we all take our father's surname(usually) in the UK.[/quote]
The maternal line does get dropped each generation. So a child is born (new generation). He/she gets the name from the paternal line of each of their parents. So Mary Kelly Smith and Sean Murphy Jones have a child who is called Cathal Kelly Murphy.

Women don't generally change their name when they get married there so age/marital status is irrelevant. They will retain the same name which includes a maternal and paternal part for life.

And yes, I agree. The automatic assumption a child should take their father's name should be questioned.

Waitwhat23 · 09/12/2021 21:10

@LesterKnopf

I don't know the answer but will watch this thread for useful advice. I took DH's surname because I preferred it and it seemed easier for admin reasons, but my family still address envelopes with joint Christmas cards etc to "Mr and Mrs J Knopf" (J being his initial not mine). It annoys me every time because it just isn't necessary (ie we don't live with his parents so no need to differentiate) and I took his name, I didn't lose my identity as an equal individual...

It's a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but still annoying (I understand it's bigger for OP if she didn't take his name at all)

We received a card today addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname Oursurname from a relative who knows I dislike it. We've had conversations about it (in a general sense) before.
Supersimkin2 · 09/12/2021 21:15

I just call my friends by their pre-marriage names cos I’m used to it - that’s how I get away with not bowing to The Man. But one mate is very firmly a Mrs Husbands name and I obviously respect that too, plus it’s a lovely name and an aesthetic improvement.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 09/12/2021 21:42

I'm a bit of an old soul despite only being 37 (only, she says..?! HmmGrin) but I'm on the side of tradition. I don't believe in children taking their mother's surname as I believe the child should always have that link to their father - especially nowadays. You just don't know what life will bring*
I also don't personally believe in keeping your maiden name after marriage - however! I don't actively judge others, it's just my belief for me. I believe when you enter a marriage, you become a new family. 'The Smith family' 'The Jones'' 'The Ferguson household' etc. Having said all this, I also like classical music, old fashioned furnishings etc and sewing! So perhaps I'm just old fashioned all-round Grin

*My DC's father is now dead unfortunately. So I'm glad they carry his name.

Mother87 · 09/12/2021 22:13

I used DH's name for a long time - but kept my birth name for lots of things. Always regretted using his name, just because I don't like it at all.

Then we separated and I changed everything that wasn't already - to my birth name. Am SO much more comfortable as I love it. For those 'insisting' on using my married name - I repeatedly correct them & always will. So many bugbears... And another subject really - Long conversations witb banks/businesses and then I receive letters addressed to MR. Ffs

OllyBJolly · 09/12/2021 22:16

Mine do this. Give it up, let it go. Not important. It’s not my name but the good wishes behind the card are for me.

BoredZelda · 09/12/2021 22:27

I don't believe in children taking their mother's surname as I believe the child should always have that link to their father - especially nowadays.

Not sure what’s different nowadays. But don’t children also need a link to their mother?

MoonbeamSprinkles · 09/12/2021 22:32

I’ve kept my name but I don’t mind when people call me my husband second name.

I do however get annoyed when we are addressed ‘mr and mrs husbands first and second name’

Erm no.

frogswimming · 09/12/2021 23:18

I also agree with the comments about there being no viable option but some man's surname. Your dads or your husbands. Even if you had your mums it'd probably be your grandads originally. Thinking of a new joint family surname on marriage would be a real feminist choice. Maybe one that related to your jobs, hobbies or where you met. I don't think the world is ready for that yet.