Family members using my husband’s name when addressing us

[DystopianTimes]

Hi,
I was just wondering what other women do. We got married 2 years ago, we’re now both in our fifties. I have kept my old name but Christmas cards etc assume I’m Mrs rather than my actual name which is Ms . What do others do in this situation? I’m bamboozled at the moment about family and friends in their 30s where the women are changing their names to their husband’s, it seems really old fashioned to me. Their choice, but it’s really not for me. I don’t want to be aggressive and petty but what’s the best way to tell husband’s family members that I’ve not changed my name without making a big issue of it?

Why get married at all?

Mum? Is that you?!

I find the notion that getting married is somehow invalidated if you don't take his name to be a strange one!

@dynamitefilledradish marriage is a patriarchal tradition. It was invented by men. Look up it's origins in history.

Human beings didn't always get married. It is a construct that was invented by men. And it is ridiculous. As we see from the number of divorces.

You can't make someone sign a contract to say they will stay with you for life. Think about it . "You can never leave me because you signed a contract". It's ridiculous

I don't need to look up the origins, i'm well aware of them but thank you!

You implied there was no point getting married if you weren't going to change your name. You know that.

@Outlyingtrout

The assumption that my name that I've had from birth is "my father's" but that my husband's name which he also got at birth from his father is "his" is also sexist though, isn't it?

I can see that point. But that's how names have been traditionally passed down. They are passed down through the male line. The whole system is (or has been) about men passing their names on to their sons, and staking their claim on women. I think it would be a sexist assumption if there was a history of both men and women passing names down equally. But as it is, because it's historically been the way it is, unless we invent a new surname we all (men and women) get our names from a man. I did actually have my mum's surname for a time, but then ultimately she got that from my grandad. Who got it from his dad. Who got it from his dad. There is no family name that I can take that has not originated from a man. Same goes for my husband.

Thank you, PandaParty! That's an excellent answer. I love the post pointing out that you might also have "your dad's eyes" but they're stupid lol actually yours not his, too.

So Trout, the solution is: you keep your own surname, which is your name because you've had it all your life and it's the name everyone knows you by, and you give your children that name. You've fixed the whole thing in a single generation.

I gave my son my surname, because I'd done most of the work. I only know one other woman who has, but I'm thinking there might be a few others here?

One major, major advantage of not changing your name: if your partner is the one who gets listed in the Phone Book (admin cockup to begin with) you'll get endless spam calls who when a woman answers will automatically say "is that Mrs Partnersnsname?" And you can just tell them to fuck off.

For those who are really, really ticked off about cards addressed to the wrong name: rather than binning them, why not write "Not known at this address - return to sender" on them and post them back? No stamp needed!

Personally I changed my name so it would be the same as my children's. However, if I didn't have children and was your age (so unlikely/impossible to have any more) I don't think I would. However Ms maiden name would make me think you was divorced...

This is a very interesting thread to read. For me, when I got married it seemed the natural thing to do to just change my name. I never thought otherwise. Then sister in law got married and she kept her previous fourth husband's surname which I thought was odd. I was always confused how to address their Christmas cards.

@MissCruellaDeVil

Personally I changed my name so it would be the same as my children's. However, if I didn't have children and was your age (so unlikely/impossible to have any more) I don't think I would. However Ms maiden name would make me think you was divorced...

Giving your children your name would have achieved the same result.

How are things in the 1950s?

@HoneyFlowers

This is a very interesting thread to read. For me, when I got married it seemed the natural thing to do to just change my name. I never thought otherwise. Then sister in law got married and she kept her previous fourth husband's surname which I thought was odd. I was always confused how to address their Christmas cards.

It’s not “natural” to change your name. You have to actively choose to do it and undertake a ton of admin to do so. Doing that without any thought is mind boggling. Did you watch a lot of Disney as a child?

Why was using their names, eg Ann Jones and Peter Smith, or Ann and Peter, so difficult? How did you address their cards?

@MsGrumpytrousers

For those who are really, really ticked off about cards addressed to the wrong name: rather than binning them, why not write "Not known at this address - return to sender" on them and post them back? No stamp needed!

I did, for around 10 years. It got a bit old after that and I had other things to do.

Basically there is no solution to this problem. All you can keep doing is reminding people you haven't changed your name. Every few years I post on Facebook complaining about this, word clearly filters out as this year my sister-in-law managed to put my surname-his surname on the envelope - still not right but at least she was trying! I get sarcastic cards from my friends where each person's name and surname is spelt out in full and my surname is underlined. I will take that.

People in DH's extended family who don't really know me I think is more understandable (like how would they even know my surname?) but it's the people in my own family who totally piss me off. Some of them must have had to invest extra effort in finding/remembering my DH"s surname. I've had the same surname for nearly 50 years, in many cases it's the same surname as they have. So how hard can this possibly be?!

I have all my friends and family addresses on typed sheets ready for printing onto sticky labels for Christmas cards.
I'm a bit to say that I only realised two years ago that most of them said "Mr & Mrs (his initial) Surname, so I've been through and changed the lot.
It's not a hill I would die on personally and would suck it up if someone sent me a card addressed in that way but I did get annoyed with my dad 26 years ago when he was trying to insist our wedding place cards should be addressed eg 'Mrs John Smith,' as it was "the correct way."
I won that one.

I'm a bit blush to say that I only realised two years ago that most of them said "Mr & Mrs (his initial) Surname, so I've been through and changed the lot.
It's not a hill I would die on personally and would suck it up if someone sent me a card addressed in that way

If i’d changed my name the traditional hisinitial wouldn’t bother me too much either.

However when i haven’t changed my name “mrs hisinitial his surname” when I’m Dr myinitial mysurname is just plain rude.

My personal view is that it's nice for a family to all share the same surname... The Family, sounds more of a unit rather than lots of different surnames. It also makes it easier for the postman in the case of a lost envelope.

I really couldn't care less whether other people think my family sounds like a unit or not.

@HoneyFlowers

My personal view is that it's nice for a family to all share the same surname... The ** Family, sounds more of a unit rather than lots of different surnames. It also makes it easier for the postman in the case of a lost envelope.

Which has nothing to do with the topic at hand.

@Outlyingtrout

To address the comment about women in their 30's taking their husband's name...My father is an abusive arsehole so given the chance to ditch his name without attracting a ton of confrontation from wider family, I took it like a shot. I don't really understand how it's considered more feminist to have your father's name than your husband's. I could understand someone changing their name to a completely made up surname that isn't just another man's name, but I've barely ever heard mention of that in these discussions. It's always "maiden name" Vs husband's name.

It isn't just your father's name, it's your name. It infuriates when people use this justification for ditching the identity they've used for the last 20/30/40 years.

@ADialgaAteMyDog

My friend has never married yet receives cards addressed to Mr and Mrs His name. She did a fb post about how annoying it is and got some "upset" replies along the lines of "how else am I supposed to address the enveloped?!". But it put a stop to it!

If you wouldn't use the person's surname in any other circumstance I don't know why it's necessary on an envelope. Why can't they just put "Janet and Peter" or whatever. Will the world end if the postman sees your first name? Are there several other people with the same name living in the house?? Really there's no need for a name at all is there. A card is obviously for the people living in the house its addressed to!

My personal view is that it's nice for a family to all share the same surname... The Family, sounds more of a unit rather than lots of different surnames. It also makes it easier for the postman in the case of a lost envelope

My personal view is I like having a different surname. I feel like I retain my identity and independence, rather than my name defining my role as wife and mother. I also like that it’s dh who gets all the social media invites and added to all the kids groups, i can stay well out of it.

I also feel that if it’s the same name that’s important, then maybe more men should take their wives names. Men’s names can’t always be “nicer and easier to spell” than womens . When it’s 50:50 I’ll accept there’s less of an issue.

In the mean time I’d appreciate it if you’d respect my name and call me by it, whether you think I should be identifies by my “family unit” or not.

Oh and give the postman some credit, yours must be really stupid if he can’t deliver post to an address just because it has a different name on it. How on earth do they manage businesses and HMO’s, or student flats? Mine is more than capable, he even know’s who’s who and manages to give me post addressed to me gasp

@Nomoreusernames1244

My personal view is that it's nice for a family to all share the same surname... The Family, sounds more of a unit rather than lots of different surnames. It also makes it easier for the postman in the case of a lost envelope

My personal view is I like having a different surname. I feel like I retain my identity and independence, rather than my name defining my role as wife and mother. I also like that it’s dh who gets all the social media invites and added to all the kids groups, i can stay well out of it.

I also feel that if it’s the same name that’s important, then maybe more men should take their wives names. Men’s names can’t always be “nicer and easier to spell” than womens . When it’s 50:50 I’ll accept there’s less of an issue.

In the mean time I’d appreciate it if you’d respect my name and call me by it, whether you think I should be identifies by my “family unit” or not.

Oh and give the postman some credit, yours must be really stupid if he can’t deliver post to an address just because it has a different name on it. How on earth do they manage businesses and HMO’s, or student flats? Mine is more than capable, he even know’s who’s who and manages to give me post addressed to me gasp

100% agree with you.

Funnily enough my posties tend to figure it out too. In fact, they even manage to deliver badly addressed post so long as my name is on it and it has the general area on it. Less efficient with dh's post if it's not addressed correctly as there is another person with the same name close by.

Not read the thread so apologies if this has been posted already. I got fed up with being called ‘Miss’ (partner and I are not married-and part of the reason why I wouldn’t get married is because I don’t want to be called Mrs Hisname by anyone).

I got little labels printed out from Vistaprint with my preferred title and name on any my address which I stick to the back of every birthday and Christmas card I send now. It has got the message across to most people. There are still one or two who haven’t picked up on it or who refuse to do it but most people have got the hint now.

@HoneyFlowers

My personal view is that it's nice for a family to all share the same surname... The ** Family, sounds more of a unit rather than lots of different surnames. It also makes it easier for the postman in the case of a lost envelope.

It might be a nice thing to do but in 99.9% of cases it’s the wife changing her name to that of her husband’s. If it was equally changed, then it wouldn’t seem so patriarchal still. And as so many people get divorce and remarry how, it would actually be easier for a mother to give the children her surname and to keep hers otherwise she ends up potentially having a different surname to her kids anyway. I know many people this has happened to.

Should have added that my preferred title is ‘Ms’. I stopped wanting to be called Miss when I was a teenager. Boys stopped being called Master at a young age so why the inequality with titles still?