Family members using my husband’s name when addressing us

[DystopianTimes]

Hi,
I was just wondering what other women do. We got married 2 years ago, we’re now both in our fifties. I have kept my old name but Christmas cards etc assume I’m Mrs rather than my actual name which is Ms . What do others do in this situation? I’m bamboozled at the moment about family and friends in their 30s where the women are changing their names to their husband’s, it seems really old fashioned to me. Their choice, but it’s really not for me. I don’t want to be aggressive and petty but what’s the best way to tell husband’s family members that I’ve not changed my name without making a big issue of it?

Who are the cards from? Distant relatives who you only hear from once a year through a Christmas card, I wouldn’t bother telling them. Closer relatives you see regularly would be a bit different.

And have you told them you haven’t changed your name? I know they shouldn’t assume, I’m just asking to see whether it is just an assumption, or if it’s more a passive aggressive thing and they know full well you haven’t? If it’s just an incorrect assumption I’d just mention it. Passive aggressive I’d be more tempted to ignore rather than be drawn into it.

I’m divorced. I still use my married name and Mrs and my maiden name . I don’t care. It’s just a name. Once people stop sending Xmas cards formally addressing envelopes will die out. The next generation will not be posting cards.

I didn't take DHs name when we married decades ago.Ive never felt the need to have the same surname.
If I send cards to newly wed people I check what names they use (most of them are around 30). All but one of the straight couples have had the woman changing her name. None of the guy couples have.
I don't understand why changing your name is a thing to do any more. It creates so much paperwork and hassle. It's easy to prove that you're married.

@WeatherwaxOn

I didn't take DHs name when we married decades ago.Ive never felt the need to have the same surname. If I send cards to newly wed people I check what names they use (most of them are around 30). All but one of the straight couples have had the woman changing her name. None of the guy couples have. I don't understand why changing your name is a thing to do any more. It creates so much paperwork and hassle. It's easy to prove that you're married.

I agree, I think it’s polite to check. It’s people assuming that I don’t like. It never occurred to me that folks would still just assume in this day and age, but clearly a lot of people do. I’m with you, I’d only really consider changing my name if I had a name I didn’t like for whatever reason. I just don’t see the point otherwise.

Husband can’t remember if he’s told his family about my name but I expect he probably didn’t (he is quite forgetful)!

@Outlyingtrout

To address the comment about women in their 30's taking their husband's name...My father is an abusive arsehole so given the chance to ditch his name without attracting a ton of confrontation from wider family, I took it like a shot. I don't really understand how it's considered more feminist to have your father's name than your husband's. I could understand someone changing their name to a completely made up surname that isn't just another man's name, but I've barely ever heard mention of that in these discussions. It's always "maiden name" Vs husband's name.

Agreed, just divorced. I am not sure I want to use either maiden name or married name. Both have come from pretty damaging people to me. Someone on here suggested changing my name to one of my choosing by deed poll…May well do this at some point

@TimetohittheroadJack

There are a lot of hills I’m prepared to die on, but this isn’t one of them. I didn’t change my name either and often get Mrs on letters and cards. Unless it is a pain (ie a cheque in the wrong name) I just answer to it/say thanks for the card etc.

I'm the same.

@Ghostsintheshelf

Passive aggressive route: when you write your Christmas cards, send them to Mrs and Mr woman's first name and woman's born (maiden) name.

Or casually bring up the issue of women keeping their name in conversation next time you see them, and say that you kept yours.

Love this 👏

I had 20 years of that.

My (ex) PIL knew full well I had not changed my name but always addressed anything to me using my husband's surname. They didn't like me bot changing it so they made their point
His family all did the same - some of mine too.

I gave up bothering about it.

I just use both first names and no second name unless I know 100% that both partners have the same name. The address and postcode are what matters when it comes to a Christmas card.

However, this only works with things that I am posting. I've found that when I order presents to be delivered directly to a couple, some systems insist upon only one name. I accept that the billing address has to have an official title, first name, second name format but it shouldn't have to matter for the recipient.

To be honest Christmas cards to mrs don’t bother me. But for people I see regularly they’ll usually know as my bank account / email and all restaurant reservations or tickets for things will be in my actual name.

(I’ve been married ten years and didn’t take dhs name).

Think yourself lucky, OP! I am widowed and a doctor, always kept my own name. But I get some cards that seem to have struck me off the medical register and given me my hated abusive late mother's title and surname.
I prefer Dr Maidenname or
Dr Husbandname, or
(reluctantly) Mrs Husbandname
but Mrs Maidenname enrages me! I feel like sending them back, saying she died 30 years ago.

Idon't really understand how it's considered more feminist to have your father's name than your husband's

It's your name. If you believe it's not your name you aren't taking your husband's name- you're taking your father-in-law's name.

I see my husband's obnoxious brother and his equally obnoxious wife have sent their usual card to "Mr and Mrs His Initial and His Surname"

@Babdoc

Think yourself lucky, OP! I am widowed and a doctor, always kept my own name. But I get some cards that seem to have struck me off the medical register and given me my hated abusive late mother's title and surname. I prefer Dr Maidenname or Dr Husbandname, or (reluctantly) Mrs Husbandname but Mrs Maidenname enrages me! I feel like sending them back, saying she died 30 years ago.

Oh dear. I do understand your rage.

I got a Mrs (my surname) today. I just rolled my eyes as it’s a shop trying to get brownie points. It went straight in the bin.

@KimikosNightmare

I see my husband's obnoxious brother and his equally obnoxious wife have sent their usual card to "Mr and Mrs His Initial and His Surname"

That is the epitome of annoying.

My husband took my name and we get lots of different variations on cards at Christmas. Can't say it bothers me though and I'm not sure how you address it without going out of your way to do so.

@Outlyingtrout

To address the comment about women in their 30's taking their husband's name...My father is an abusive arsehole so given the chance to ditch his name without attracting a ton of confrontation from wider family, I took it like a shot. I don't really understand how it's considered more feminist to have your father's name than your husband's. I could understand someone changing their name to a completely made up surname that isn't just another man's name, but I've barely ever heard mention of that in these discussions. It's always "maiden name" Vs husband's name.

It's because you're starting from an incorrect premise.

Think of it instead as a woman swapping her own name for her FILs, as that's no less accurate a description of the process.

A quiet but ongoing solution - order elegant address labels that show both your names and use them on the envelope of every card you send. Put your name first if you really want to make the point...

(I use them to remind relatives who forget that I haven't used my birth name for over 25 years).

Think of it instead as a woman swapping her own name for her FILs, as that's no less accurate a description of the process

I can't get my head round this idea that men own their own names but women only borrow theirs temporarily from their fathers or other men's fathers.

In my own case, whilst my surname is not particularly unusual it has a very definite cultural origin- particularly with the version of the spelling. My husband isn't, but might as well be, Smith.

@inininsomnia

A quiet but ongoing solution - order elegant address labels that show both your names and use them on the envelope of every card you send. Put your name first if you really want to make the point...

(I use them to remind relatives who forget that I haven't used my birth name for over 25 years).

I did that for years, didn't make the slightest bit of difference. They have my name first.

I can't get my head round this idea that men own their own names but women only borrow theirs temporarily from their fathers or other men's fathers.

Just plain sexism. Because it's actually a complete logic fail. There are two possibilities wrt surnames. One, we all own our own names equally and so a woman swaps her own woman's name for her husband's. Or two, your name isn't yours if someone else had it first and therefore it isn't the father's or DHs either.

It pisses me off too. My husband’s family were perfectly capable of using my name on envelopes until the day I got married and despite knowing I haven’t changed my name I still get addressed as mrs husband’s name. I’m not willing to waste energy on it so I simply refuse to open anything addressed incorrectly and judge them quietly on their piss poor manners.

I have the same and it annoys me.it’s everyone’s personal choice but I chose to keep my name as it’s my name so why would I? It’s fine if others choose not to do the same but I wish some of those people would respect my decision. These are friend my age who know I didn’t take his name.

I bin the ones that arrive addressed to Mr & Mrs his initial his surname. Without opening them. They all know I didn't change my name. I've occasionally sent her name / surname envelopes if feeling particularly riled about it.

The poster who said don't send cards / don't get any - yep, that's the tactic I've employed and it seems to be working.

I would never ever remember who has kept their maiden name. It would be impossible to remember that