Family members using my husband’s name when addressing us

[DystopianTimes]

Hi,
I was just wondering what other women do. We got married 2 years ago, we’re now both in our fifties. I have kept my old name but Christmas cards etc assume I’m Mrs rather than my actual name which is Ms . What do others do in this situation? I’m bamboozled at the moment about family and friends in their 30s where the women are changing their names to their husband’s, it seems really old fashioned to me. Their choice, but it’s really not for me. I don’t want to be aggressive and petty but what’s the best way to tell husband’s family members that I’ve not changed my name without making a big issue of it?

@Mufasa1118 - I would never ever remember who has kept their maiden name. It would be impossible to remember that

Why would it be any more difficult than remembering they have changed it? Very odd.

I remember friends' and families' names because that is the normal, and polite, thing to do.

@Mufasa1118

I would never ever remember who has kept their maiden name. It would be impossible to remember that

WTF?! How do you remember the names of those who change their names?

@OchonAgusOchonOh because for hundreds of years - married women changed their name to their husband's name.

So a lot of people's minds, including me, still remember this tradition.

It is only in this recent generation that women have not changed their name on marriage.

As we remember the very, very long tradition of women taking their husband's name at marriage, we are going to assume that is the case when we meet a married couple

I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying that is how peoples minds work.

It will probably take another couple of generations, before people start to have a change in thinking.

First 8 years they got sent back “nobody of that name at this address”. Resolved about half that way. Others picked up when cheques weren’t cashed.

If they say Mr as well I make DH open them and say thanks for them. That’s dealt with a number on his side of the family.

I’ve an aunt who just can’t understand it and sends a cheque for DD’s birthday made out to me in the correct name (the one I’ve had since birth) with my birthday card (same week) in an envelope made out to a name I’ve never ever used. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote Mufasa1118]@OchonAgusOchonOh because for hundreds of years - married women changed their name to their husband's name.

So a lot of people's minds, including me, still remember this tradition.

It is only in this recent generation that women have not changed their name on marriage.

As we remember the very, very long tradition of women taking their husband's name at marriage, we are going to assume that is the case when we meet a married couple

I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying that is how peoples minds work.

It will probably take another couple of generations, before people start to have a change in thinking.[/quote]
For hundreds/thousands of years men were legally entitled to rape their wives. Women had no legal status and were property of men, denoted by their surname (like slaves).

I’d rather hoped we’d have shunned this tradition as a society by now. Sadly not, it seems. But assuming a sexist tradition for women in the 21st century who have told you that their name has not changed is fucking rude.

@NavigatingAdolescence because most married couples I know have changed their names to their husband's name. So the women who have kept their maiden name, are the unusual ones to me.

Im 37. I know and socialise with (I'm in a lot of groups), about 40 married couples. 39 of those women have taken their husband's surname. They have told me.
Only One of those women has kept her maiden name. And I have to say that I have forgotten several times that she has kept her maiden name.

@NavigatingAdolescence I wouldn't say I'm sexist and fucking rude. You know nothing about me. I have done a lot of work to help young women actually.

I am forgetful though. I have to say the woman that I know, who kept her maiden name, is very nice about it , if I ever forget about it. She doesn't give a flying fuck.

It's not the worst thing to do surely! I mean ffs. You're getting pretty angry about nothing

@ Mufasa1118 - Only One of those women has kept her maiden name. And I have to say that I have forgotten several times that she has kept her maiden name.

How rude of you. Surely if she is the only one to keep her name that would make it easy to remember?

I'm amazed that you know so few women who kept their name. I am married nearly 30 years. The vast majority of married women I know, ranging in age from early 60's down to 30's have kept their name. Amazingly, I manage to remember their actual names, regardless of whether they are one of the majority who kept their name or the minority who didn't.

Yep, drives me potty. Never changed my name, this time of year shows up how little people take in.

@OchonAgusOchonOh I think you are rude to call me rude!
She didn't even tell me herself actually that she kept her own name. Let's call her Anna. I don't think that she would even think that it was a big deal . One of our mutual friends told me that Anna kept her maiden name. That's how I found out. Anna didn't even tell me herself.

Well it is probably different in different countries too. We are all from different countries here on mumsnet.

I am in rural Ireland and it is probably more traditional here to take your husband's name, than in a city in England.

I am not speaking for all of Ireland here, but yes in my social group - I only know one woman who has kept her maiden name on marriage.

@Mufasa1118

I would never ever remember who has kept their maiden name. It would be impossible to remember that

Well I've read some ridiculous comments on this subject but this one takes the biscuit.

"Maiden name" is a vile expression. I'm astonished at its use on a feminist forum.

Re tradition of changing names, this actually wasn't the absolute case in Scotland in 18th and 19th centuries. Even now you will see in Scottish graveyards "Kimiko Nightmare, wife of John Smith"

@Mufasa1118 - I live in rural Ireland too. I think my username makes it pretty obvious I'm Irish, although obviously I could be living elsewhere.

Most women I work with have kept their names. In the rural primary school my kids went to, most of the mothers kept their name. In the rural secondary school they went to, it was more of a mix. In the village I live in, it's a bit of a mix. Next door neighbours on either side, women have kept their name. Ones on either side of those have changed.

I think you are rude to call me rude! - Pretty childish response!

Only One of those women has kept her maiden name. And I have to say that I have forgotten several times that she has kept her maiden name

Rude and lazy. You knew "Anna" under her original surname so you must have learned her husband's name. You apparently are capable of remembering his name but not Anna's name.

That's just rude and lazy.

[quote Mufasa1118]@NavigatingAdolescence I wouldn't say I'm sexist and fucking rude. You know nothing about me. I have done a lot of work to help young women actually.

I am forgetful though. I have to say the woman that I know, who kept her maiden name, is very nice about it , if I ever forget about it. She doesn't give a flying fuck.

It's not the worst thing to do surely! I mean ffs. You're getting pretty angry about nothing[/quote]
It’s. My. NAME.

I wonder how long you’d last before saying something if someone who cared about you enough to send you a card couldn’t be bothered to address you by YOUR NAME.

(I said the tradition was sexist. I didn’t call you sexist…….)

We’re Dr mylastname and mr hislastname.

Wierdly everyone in my family, schools, gp’s, dentist, work, can all get it right, but nobody in his family can . It’s almost like they think marriage is so important for me as a woman I should be prouder to be Mrs his name than dr myname.

Slightly o/t but i recently started a new jon and women changing their names is an utter pain in the arse. They’ll ask me to go into our systems to check something only I can’t bloody find them as they’re there under a different name or two names, so I either have to go to Hr systems to check, or ask when I get a coy giggle and oh yes, i’m married now It’s twice the work keeping email chains straight as names change all over the place. It’s a fucking high level, specialist field where most of the women are take no shit kick ass hard as nails take on all comers, but everyone should know their marital status.
Rightly or wrongly it’s easier for me to go to a male colleague as I know I have the same one..

[quote Mufasa1118]@NavigatingAdolescence because most married couples I know have changed their names to their husband's name. So the women who have kept their maiden name, are the unusual ones to me.

Im 37. I know and socialise with (I'm in a lot of groups), about 40 married couples. 39 of those women have taken their husband's surname. They have told me.
Only One of those women has kept her maiden name. And I have to say that I have forgotten several times that she has kept her maiden name.[/quote]
I don’t really care. Assuming that the 40th did what the 39 did is pretty lazy.

If you’ve referred to “Anna” by her husband’s name since being told what her name continues to be then you are undoubtably, extremely rude.

And I have to say that I have forgotten several times that she has kept her maiden name

So getting pronouns wrong is a hate crime, but getting a woman’s actual name wrong is her own fault for not changing it?

I’ve never told anyone I kept my maiden name. They ask me my name, I tell them. Why do you know better than me what my name is? Why do you assume all people follow the Uk convention? What if they are spanish, for example, or german, where it isn’t usual?

I always use first names when sending cards, like
Jill and Steve
Flat 1, Some street
Blah blah etc.

No last names required. It completely avoids the issue of who uses what last name. I don't know why other people don't do the same. I mean, Christmas cards are either to family or friends, right? It's not formal correspondence from a bank. No need to use anyone's last name.

As the meerkat says, simples.

So what are the DCs surnames - His-Hers, then their DCs are His-Hers-Hers-His - it does get complicated.

I can't believe that there are people who bin or return letters or cards that are incorrectly addressed, or even don't cash cheques for that reason.

I did take my husband's surname, but out bugs me that my mum sends cards to me addressed to Mrs (husband's initial) surname, especially some he's been dead for ten years. But she's nearly 90 and it's the form she's used to. I'm irritated for two minutes each time, then I get on with life.

OP, you've said yourself that you don't even know if they realise you kept your own surname. So just tell them. If a Facebook post would work, then try that.

@YourenutsmiLord

So what are the DCs surnames - His-Hers, then their DCs are His-Hers-Hers-His - it does get complicated.

The Spanish manage okay. ;)

@saraclara

I can't believe that there are people who bin or return letters or cards that are incorrectly addressed, or even don't cash cheques for that reason.

I did take my husband's surname, but out bugs me that my mum sends cards to me addressed to Mrs (husband's initial) surname, especially some he's been dead for ten years. But she's nearly 90 and it's the form she's used to. I'm irritated for two minutes each time, then I get on with life.

OP, you've said yourself that you don't even know if they realise you kept your own surname. So just tell them. If a Facebook post would work, then try that.

We don’t have a joint account, so I couldn’t cash the cheques if I wanted to because there is no bank account associated with “the wife of DH”. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mrs DHname is his mother. Not me. Ever. However well intentioned the card, calling me by a name I have never used in almost 20 years (because of a convention rooted in the ownership of women) is extremely rude.

The 'I can't possibly remember who has only had one surname in their life not two, despite one surname being objectively less to remember and me never having this issue with men who haven't changed their names' is evidently the new version of womens names are just too complicated/not as nice/more embarrassing than men's. Same energy.

Re: cheques. When we got married, we got quite a few cheques made out to Mr and Mrs His(now ourssurname. As we didn't have a joint account, we couldn't cash them - we had to set up a new account. A fairly minor pain in the bum for us but must be pretty annoying for those who aren't Mr and Mrs Hissurname.