Can you help me compile a list of tasks that are emotional labour/life admin?

[PetticoatSoldier]

I’m trying to write a comprehensive list of every job that comes under the emotional labour/life and home admin banner so I can share it with DH.

We share physical housework tasks and childcare equally but we were talking recently and he said something about “everything” being split equally and I pointed out that no actually, “everything” is not. So, now he has offered to take his fare share, I am trying to write a list of everything I can possibly think of to ensure the load is evenly split 😀 Can you help?

I’ll post what I have in comments or else this OP will be massive!

@karmakameleon I know plenty of families with a SAHM and a nanny. I had an au-pair for periods when I was a SAHM.

@choli - as someone who had a lot of help, my dc were brought up to cut up their food very early and from about age 4, poured their own milk on their cereal, buttered their own toast or bread, etc.....and put their bowl, cup, cutlery into the dishwasher as they left toddlerhood!

My DH is great in many ways (gotta say that) but if I brought up this long list of EL to share with him he would literally have a snooze through it.

He would consider it EL for him to discuss a list of EL.

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@karmakameleon I know plenty of families with a SAHM and a nanny. I had an au-pair for periods when I was a SAHM.[/quote]
I have admit when I think about it I do know a handful of SAHMs who had nannies but they all had three or more pre-schoolers when they had the extra help. So when the physical work, rather than the thinking work, was more significant. I found having a nanny increased the thinking in many ways as you need to recruit, train and then keep an employee happy. Then there’s ensuring good communication between nanny and both parents and covering nanny holiday and sick leave. I have to say I don’t miss having a nanny overall although we did have a fantastic one.

@choli

making sure you know which cup the children like, their favourite food, how they like it cut up, exactly how full they like the cereal dish and how soggy cereal is before it is unacceptable. (all these things ex did not know) make sure the cu pis washed and ready and that cereal bowl is clean To be honest I would consider that to be unnecessary pandering.

That's a really good point. Just this morning I got my eldest DC to tackle something very small that they wouldn't normally do because they "don't like doing it" rather than doing it how they like it myself.

Turns out one extra "yes you can do it" and they were just fine

Perhaps we should delegate more????!

@choli

making sure you know which cup the children like, their favourite food, how they like it cut up, exactly how full they like the cereal dish and how soggy cereal is before it is unacceptable. (all these things ex did not know) make sure the cu pis washed and ready and that cereal bowl is clean To be honest I would consider that to be unnecessary pandering.

I have one who is autistic. This stuff is important!

I agree with delegating more. But that takes longer, for the first decade or so…

@DancingKitten

Perhaps we should delegate more????!

Yep we can do that. But if my own experience is anything to go by, you also need to be ready for the ‘poor him’, this guy is amazing to do all that - and therefore can do no wrong.

And to be made to feel guilty - both because obvioulsy the father won’t be doing well enough and because you have to be lazy if you don’t do it all….

Also delegating assumes it’s still your responsibility and you need to oversee etc…

Contacting the builder/plumber/sparks/tree surgeon/ etc as needed
Having the numbers for the builder/plumber/sparks/tree surgeon.

Getting in there once or twice a year and sorting out the DCs' clothes into keep/ outgrown but will fit the next one later/ charity shop/ recycling.

Repotting houseplants. Finding all the stuff for repotting houseplants.

To be fair DH works much longer hours than I do, but even when the DC were small and my effective working day began at 6am and ended at 8.30 pm with an hour or so off somewhere, usually in 10-20 minute slots, I was still the one who made packed lunches, sorted out new school shoes, paid for school trips, took the animals to the vet, sorted out holidays and ran Christmas. And all the rest.

Finding a bloody tradesperson in the first place

Chasing up the endless admin that doesn't get done right the first time. My "pending" list is longer than my to do list.

@choli

making sure you know which cup the children like, their favourite food, how they like it cut up, exactly how full they like the cereal dish and how soggy cereal is before it is unacceptable. (all these things ex did not know) make sure the cu pis washed and ready and that cereal bowl is clean To be honest I would consider that to be unnecessary pandering.

Not if they are autistic

It only got done for the things that really mattered to the kid and would have an impact on the rest of the family if it didn't get done.

But some autistic children will not eat if it is not exactly right. (Some will launch whatever it is into the curtains/carpet)

I have an older autistic child. I still do stuff for them that they should be doing as it is important to reduce the demands on them in order to keep them from getting overwhelmed and having a meltdown. This is meeting the needs of their disability. It is a task in itself knowing what is too much and what they can manage. Working out what you want to achieve (getting to school on time ready to learn) and how you are going to achieve that.

Typically they (autistic children) are emotionally 2/3 chronological age. They are not going to be able to manage everything that a NT child of the same age can. Some may turn into adults that bumble along only just managing in at least one area.

I think it goes without saying that comments like that are probably based on an NT child. But of course having a ND child ups the emotional labour needed even more and this should absolutely be taken into account for those who are in this position.

Wait, @GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman, houseplants need repotting? Shit.

The worst thing I find about having to source tradespeople and get quotes is generally that when I do it, the quotes are a lot more expensive. When dh gets quotes they give him a man-quote

@fucket - when we had our dd I was coming from a position of being someone with a LOT of experience with babies and children, I was a former nanny at this point. Ex had NEVER held a newborn, let alone changed a nappy or given a baby a Bath!

It was damn hard cos the temptation is very much to step in but I knew (and ex even said so himself I'll credit him with that) he had to learn and the only way he was going to learn was by doing it!

Dd hit 3 months and had a HORRIFIC period of colic just awful! By this point though things were such that actually she only wanted...daddy! I don't think he'd become a "superior" parent there were a number of factors and we both believed one factor was she wanted away from the feeding parent (I was bf) as she was associating it with pain, but also I have to admit he was calmer than me as I was feeling a little rejected, a little bit of a failure. So I was stressed and dd was picking up on that.

He walked miles probably with her at this point just walking in circles around the living room! He'd also do late night drives and even sitting watching crappy infomercials (no streaming then) or my friends tapes if he could manage to get to the vcr with her asleep on him in the most awkward position that could only be achieved with him sat up straight and her halfway across his shoulder sleeping.

Made the earlier trials worth it.

That said he had his share of mishaps earlier in proceedings - a back to front nappy and upside down babygro come to mind!

But none of them caused dd any harm and are the stuff of "family anecdote" now

I've seen friends with similar backgrounds to the couples have similar struggles with the one with more baby experience jumping to step in. My brother had this with his 2nd wife, he was a single resident dad before they got together, like my ex she'd no experience with babies before she had theirs and lacked confidence. Bro was stepping in at first "cos it's easier" but she quite rightly pointed out she had to learn especially as he was soon to return to work off paternity leave. Again there were amusing mishaps but they all survived and again these are now funny family stories

@BikeRunSki yes that sexism perpetuated by schools HAS to stop! I'm past that stage now but those who aren't if I were you (it never applied to me as I was a single mum by time dd got to school) I'd be complaining to the school every single time! What I got instead was constantly being referred to as "Mrs" when I had stopped going by Mrs 3 years before dd even started school!

My sister got this crap too and she'd never been married - a fact the school repeatedly referenced in derogatory ways!

I'd love to step back and reverse this but going on strike just doesn't work

What about good old fashioned communication? "I'm busy sorting the birthday side you need to make sure dc are prepped for swimming"

If you keep doing what you've always done...

Feeling guilty is an option. Why feel guilty? The majority of these things can be done to a lesser degree of perfection without the sky falling in.

I'll admit this was something I had to learn myself - to let go a little

Remembering to do, supervise and report DS’s LFTests twice weekly.

What about good old fashioned communication? "I'm busy sorting the birthday side you need to make sure dc are prepped for swimming"

Yes, but that only goes so far. The “wife work” is knowing when to book the cake/venue/entertainment, where to put in party bags, which friends have beirart restrictions, when to send out invitations - how to send out invitations !! Pay for swimming lessons having found a slot that doesn’t clash with anything else.

And even remember THAT swimming needs to be sorted.

Well the reality is, whether we like it or not, that a lot of kids would spend their days eating biscuits in front of the xbox if it were left entirely up to their dads.

Will lists like these help?

They are certainly ammunition to shove in front of the noses of the people who claim that "life admin/emotional labour" isn't a big thing. And the divorce courts.

There was a podcast about this some time last year. They'd approached it from a proper scientific direction and made a spreadsheet and there were hundreds if not thousands of tasks.

The sorts of things that clutter up most women's minds 24/7 and don't even feature on most men's radar.

Sorry, meant to say, can't remember what it's called, sadly. It was from the US and part of a series about mental health, possibly.

@BarbaraofSeville I wonder if it was Fair Play mentioned upthread by @FightingtheFoo It seems the book was sponsored by Reese Witherspoons company so could have been them? I've been trying to find their spreadsheet but can't so will have a bash this week in compiling all the suggestions above! I'll have a look for the podcast too :)