I agree - he should know or it should at least occur to him to make the effort to figure it out, but there's also the tendency in some women towards martyrdom or needing to be needed which means they don't allow the man to learn to take on the mental load.
This also ties in with the expectation that a task be performed perfectly.
Most of the time it's not the end of the world if it's not - as long as that imperfection is not maintained!
Eg ex had a bad habit with doing the dishes early on of not remembering to collect up the umpteen cups of half drunk coffee on HIS desk, I let it slide at first but after first couple times (we took it in turns to cook/do dishes, whoever cooked the other cleaned up) I made it very clear I was not going to pick up his slack. If it was deliberate he was taking the piss, if it wasn't he was being thoughtless. He had favourite mugs too so I stopped washing his up. He soon stopped this nonsense and remembered to make sure he had all the dishes to hand when starting the dishes.
Another similar one was fetching laundry off the line, he'd forget to take the peg bag out and just dump it all in the basket expecting me to then put the pegs in the bag when I next put out washing. Put him straight on that one too
The mental load is a crucial part of any task, they should be doing that part too
Well the reality is, whether we like it or not, that a lot of kids would spend their days eating biscuits in front of the xbox if it were left entirely up to their dads
Not true of all dads in my experience. On occasion maybe but not as a regular thing.
My dad was abusive in our later childhood but when we were primary age he was great. My mum worked in retail as it meant she could work school hours in the week and weekends when dad could watch us and they didn't have to organise/pay out for childcare (money was tight).
Dad would be the one to get us up of a weekend morning, make sure we did our "ablutions" (teeth, hair, face) did our breakfast (cooked on a sat cold on a Sunday) lunches, and started dinner just before mum got in by at least peeling and prepping veg. During the day he'd play with us, build stuff for us, teach us stuff like bike riding or swimming or we'd go on walks and he'd show us which plants/berries were safe to eat etc he'd walk the legs off us! (He was very fit himself at this stage) even winter/rain was no excuse he'd wrap us up in coats and wellies and we'd go on a "stomp" through puddles and snow.
Ex's dad also did lots with them of a weekend even though by time ex was born his mum was a Sahm full time. Very similar to us, bike rides, walks, swimming etc he'd make them picnics up or ensure they are something sensible while out
My uncles were all the same with their dc too, when they had the dc at weekends or during school holidays due to parents splitting leave to cover them they'd get the kids up, washed, dressed, fed when needed, occupied with sensible activities...
And they all made sure the house was tidy before the mum got home too, though I'll admit sometimes it was a frantic "shit this place looks like a bombs hit it, better tidy up or my wife won't be impressed" clean and tidy but I also well remember dad doing loads of laundry and ironing, mum
did the grocery shopping right after work as she had a staff discount (in those days only the staff member could do the shop to get that) but we'd meet mum at the shop and dad would take the heavy items and carry them, mum would have next heaviest in a granny trolley and we kids would carry lighter items in bags.
Not all dads are completely useless and not all dads even "back in the day" (bear in mind I'm 48 so my parents and uncles all born 40's and 50's except one born in 60's)
I agree there's a lot they don't think of and don't organise but I think we need to be careful not to totally write them off as that just plays into the hands of the worst ones.
@Triffid1 ex and I had similar arguments about birthdays. Both while married and also after the split. Dds birthday is shortly after Xmas so we have to be organised. This was especially true during the "must have gift" years as otherwise they'd be sold out! But also from a budgeting perspective. He thought I was crazy starting saving in July and planning in sep, after we split he wrong footed me on several occasions when he'd absolutely promises to get - or even not get - a particular thing and leave it to the last bloody min resulting in expense and stress for me and on occasion distress for dd. I quickly learned he couldn't be relied on after first couple Xmas after split and stopped worrying about if his nose was out of joint cos I'd got dd the "must have" thing and he had also got it by pure luck the day before he saw her!
Some of the gifts he got her as she got older were age inappropriate or otherwise totally not something she would ever want or use and she was really hurt at the lack of thought and consideration (he mostly got her things his sons would have really liked)
"Figure out what your kid needs" in my case