Can you help me compile a list of tasks that are emotional labour/life admin?

[PetticoatSoldier]

I’m trying to write a comprehensive list of every job that comes under the emotional labour/life and home admin banner so I can share it with DH.

We share physical housework tasks and childcare equally but we were talking recently and he said something about “everything” being split equally and I pointed out that no actually, “everything” is not. So, now he has offered to take his fare share, I am trying to write a list of everything I can possibly think of to ensure the load is evenly split 😀 Can you help?

I’ll post what I have in comments or else this OP will be massive!

@ArabellaScott

My eldest is 11. Its taken SEVEN years for rhe school to add my partner to the email list, despite him regularly asking. In effect, I am in charge of monitoring:

Emails
App used for reporting absence
Google classroom
Seesaw
School Facebook page
Phone calls

Why it takes six channels to communicate w parents is a mystery, but it's very clear they only want to deal with one parent and that parent is apparently the mother by default.

It’s madness isn’t it. DH’s office is much closer to home than mine (although mine is currently in the corner of the sitting room). DH is first on the list of contacts school have. They still ring me first. They still email me and not him (oh, but we don’t send two emails to the same household… well then send it to him!). DS’s best friend’s mother very sadly died a few years ago. It still took the school a year to communicate with the child’s father!

@CassandraTrotter I think that's what's helped here too, DH had a few months unemployed after I went back to work after DC1 and now thanks to the pandemic he's been WFH since I had DC2 so has always been fully involved since day 1. I mostly bottle fed too so he did an equal share of the night feeds so the physical labour is evenly split. It's the unseen work that's currently not.

@Fucket (great username!) Absolutely agree on letting them do things their own way and work it out for themselves.

@kebabmuncher I was delighted enough with the classics suggestion but national curriculum sounds great! Campaign anyone? We'll need a pithy hashtag.... 😆

This thread and all your brilliant responses has made me think about how I can teach my boys about some of this 'unseen labour' stuff. I already make sure he tidied up after himself but I've never asked him 'what things do we need to prepare for swimming tomorrow' or 'what do you need to put in your bag for sports day'. Am definitely going to start doing that now.

Sanitary towels / tampons, does he remember to buy them if he's doing the shopping? If you have a girl will he remember to buy some suitable for her before she starts her periods

I wouldn’t expect DP to check the cupboard to see if I needed tampons, just like I wouldn’t check his side of the cupboard to see if he needed razors. Personal care items and shampoo etc should be written on the list IMO

Keeping track of clothes - do they still fit, do they have stuff for next season. Do I need to buy more. Gettig rid/storing old clothes. Naming new clothes. Patching holes.

Planning of days out largely falls to me.

There is no forward planning or thought given to anything that doesn't directly concern his own person.

This is my DH. He is brilliant in so many ways and absolutely does his fair share - possible more - of what needs doing. But only once it is all mapped out in front of him.

The only proactive planning he does is regarding his own (modest) wants e.g bike ride, watching rugby with a friend. He doesn't take much time out for himself and always prioritises family time and so doesn't get why I am still frustrated by this.

He also has a very senior role and holds a budget of around £100M so I cannot believe he is incapable.

On the recycling/finding homes for hand me downs etc:

Our neighbours moved out. They hired a skip and just binned about ten years worth of stuff.

I was soooo jealous that they felt able to do that. No guilt about the planet! The hours and hours I spend making sure things are recycled/ passed on.

We have a birthday party today. I've had to organise card, present, wrapping paper, dog to be walked earlier than usual, a whole lunch box of treats to take with me as DS has allergies and I don't want him to feel left out - this has included baking my own safe cupcakes. I've also had to make sure I remember another set of cards as there are two other children who have their birthdays this week but we won't see them again to give over cards. Meanwhile DH is taking my other DC swimming so of course I've had to make sure swimming kit was washed and dry, pack the swimming kit and snacks and pack the car so none of it gets forgotten. DH will get himself ready and get in the car. I'd love to step back and reverse this but going on strike just doesn't work - well I can see eventually it might but there would be a 6 month adjustment period with DC suffering as a result

Elderly parents?

Managing relationships with child care staff, teachers, after-school activity leaders, children's friends and parents etc All the observation, thinking, working out boundaries, sorting problems out, trying not to fall out with people because they may be important/ useful at a later date.

I see so many female friends negotiating their path through these things, very few fathers. Men seem to be oblivious to a lot of what's going on.

@Grellbunt

Packing for holidays: Make list Scurry round house getting things on list Try to stop folk wearing or using anything you need to pack A few days before, run down stocks of fresh food while simultaneously running up stocks of underwear and clothes to pack The night before/on the day, try to corral all final items needed both the night before/morning of the holiday and on the holiday (toothbrushes, fave toys, contraceptive pills , baby phones, potties, ipads, for instance) and stuff them into already overflowing cases... while fielding questions from DH as to when the cases will be finalised so that he can put them in the car??? Then hand wash all the brekkie dishes cos you wouldn't want to leave a dishwasher running...fire and floor risk eh?... oh, and deal with the bins of course.

Ggggaaahhhh

Probably already been mentioned but there’s more while you’re on holiday

Planning the days
Trying to gauge the right point to chivving people out so they feel like they have enough relaxing time but aren’t bored and that you get to places with enough time to enjoy them
Tracking tide times so you get to beach when there is a beach

Plan meals

• if cook do you have everything you need? For both pans & utensils as well as larder ingredients you have to hand at home
• takeaway identify options, show menus get everyone’s choice, order etc, work out where it is and where you can park in unfamiliar place
• if restaurant usually need check options and ensure it will cater for everyone, book and get them there in time, possibly working out where to park

Sun cream, as well as ensuring you have it it’s the reminding people to use it, remind to reapply after being in water and checking no one needs to get into shade (see also sun hats)

If you’re on a limited income it’s often the woman who keeps track of spending whilst away
Sort getting to and from airports both ends if applicable

@PetticoatSoldier

This thread and all your brilliant responses has made me think about how I can teach my boys about some of this 'unseen labour' stuff. I already make sure he tidied up after himself but I've never asked him 'what things do we need to prepare for swimming tomorrow' or 'what do you need to put in your bag for sports day'. Am definitely going to start doing that now.

This is so important

Looking at this thread I guess I’m quite “lucky” in that DH really does do his fair share. Partly because he took time off when DC2 was a baby and saw for himself how much needs to be done. Partly because I don’t get drawn into stuff he can do. So when DH announced that the boys don’t have enough uniform, rather than buy more I just told him to order from the school shop and their email contact is in the school website. And partly because when things go wrong I’m chilled and just leave him to sort it out and hopefully he’ll get it right next time.

BUT despite the fact that he does plenty, the boys don’t see it. I overheard a conversation between DC1 and DC2 the other day with DC2 claiming that “mummy never does anything for us”. DC1 kindly stood up for me and managed to list 13 things mummy did for them today. DC2 then turned on daddy who apparently never does anything for them either. DC1 struggled because so much of what daddy had done today was ‘invisible’. I was there to intervene but it made me realise how they don’t see the background stuff that goes on to get their sports kit/clothes ready, or book the holiday camps that they were going to etc. I have boys so really keen to make sure they know how much effort it takes.

Totally agree! Holidays are just not relaxing these days.

Oh I agree about the holidays. However, one thing dh did when he was travelling a lot was always to have a bag packed with essentials for an overnighter and to add for additional days: washbag, pyjamas, pants, socks, hankie, charger, shirt, etc.

I have worked full-time since dc were 7 and 10 and part of our routine before bed was to plan for the next day and they helped with their sports bags, completed homework, instruments, etc. I didn't realise at the time but it was part of time management and organisation generally.

Working out how 2 full time parents with limited holiday and childcare options can possibly cover all the school hols and inset days. The number of days DH manages to take off when the kids are in school isn't many but I don't feel I can do this because we'll run out of leave and he just doesn't think it through.. I would love an occasional day off for ME,without it then getting filled with errands or other obligations.

Reading this makes me so grateful for a DH who really does want & try to share the load. It's still not 50/50 (he's never going to lie awake wondering about birthday present ideas etc), but some things that help us are:

• big tasks, especially one that involves internet research, I'll ask him to take over and I step back totally. Eg, arranging car repairs, finding & booking a tradesman
• if I've been busy doing some 'invisible' task, I tell him, and often the kids. Eg, 'I wasn't sure if x is open this summer so I called to check', 'I did some research about x, this is what I think', 'I'd like kids to try x activity but I'm still looking for somewhere that does it', etc. That way everyone is at least aware of what I'm doing, and I don't feel taken for granted.
• shared shopping lists, packing lists online that we both edit

I still hate December and all the Christmas prep though, despite having cut it down to bare (socially acceptable) minimum.

I think it all hangs on whether the individual commitment of each party is regarded as fair by both and whether both parties have equal amounts of free time.

DH always worked 14 hour plus days; I worked 8 when DC were younger - far more now they are grown up. Therefore I shouldered most of the admin and emotional load and quite enjoyed it. Nowadays things are more equally balanced but not wholly but I still feel we have equal time because DH now has commitments regarding his elderly mother which he fulfils. We are the only dc available on both sides and agreed years ago we would take on our own parent.

Being the person the school calls.
Being on the pta.
School applications- forward planning for whereto live to get in the right school catchment.
Visiting schools, looking through their handbooks, websites etc.
Same as above for nurseries and unis.
Asking for advice on Mumsnet!
Tracing kids growth on those growth charts.
Remembering optical/dental check up intervals.
Buying and giving vitamins.
Researching nutrition for the age and planning meals around that.
Opening and managing kids bank accounts.
Haircuts and nail cutting.
Doing the birds and bees talk
Teaching them to cook, clean and manage money.
Keeping a mental note of what clothes/shoes they are growing out of.
Planning sorting and storing seasonal clothes- odd gloves, sandals etc.
Knowing where their swim kit it.
Planning and organising extra curriculars.
Keeping supplies of batteries, sellotape, glue, stamps, blue tack, wrapping paper, cards, elastic bands, string etc in the house.
Remembering when the ovens die to be cleaned.
Remembering when plants need to be planted in the garden.
Knowing the price of bread/ milk in all the local shops.
Checking the weather and buying ice lollies if it's forecast to be hot.
Knowing what different cleaning products work on what surfaces/ materials.

Paid work for long hours has payoffs. Few mothers choose to work long hours because of concerns for DC and because fathers are unwilling to do the bulk of the unpaid parenting and domestic work, including ‘mental load’.

Making lists is part of the problem!

Men could think about and do this stuff if they wished to do so.

Even if you had a nanny you'd never be able to delegate a lot of this

A lot of senior women I know have house husbands AND nannies

@Grellbunt

Even if you had a nanny you'd never be able to delegate a lot of this

A lot of senior women I know have house husbands AND nannies

I know no senior men with SAH wives and nannies. Perhaps this says more about the SAHDs.

And cleaners. Gardeners.
And their work PA does a lot for them too.
Some have two home/international lifestyles with staff who look after their holiday homes/yachts etc.
Must be horrid having to manage staff and it's not really a nice intimate family life with privacy. But there you go.
Maybe that's why boarding schools were invented!

making sure you know which cup the children like, their favourite food, how they like it cut up, exactly how full they like the cereal dish and how soggy cereal is before it is unacceptable. (all these things ex did not know) make sure the cu pis washed and ready and that cereal bowl is clean
To be honest I would consider that to be unnecessary pandering.