Can you help me compile a list of tasks that are emotional labour/life admin?

[PetticoatSoldier]

I’m trying to write a comprehensive list of every job that comes under the emotional labour/life and home admin banner so I can share it with DH.

We share physical housework tasks and childcare equally but we were talking recently and he said something about “everything” being split equally and I pointed out that no actually, “everything” is not. So, now he has offered to take his fare share, I am trying to write a list of everything I can possibly think of to ensure the load is evenly split 😀 Can you help?

I’ll post what I have in comments or else this OP will be massive!

Forward planning that really gets me - I think I realised I do this all the time, whereas DP just rocks home and lets things unfold.

By this I mean anticipating when

things will run out
energy rationing: when kids will be tired, so unable to do the thing that is booked for them to do

Summer holidays: already planning family visits, activities, trips, getting in extra supplies (stationery, puzzles, food, books, etc)

birthdays, cards, presents (the box of Emergency presents, blank cards suitable for all occasions, etc, birthday calendar, etc)

Emotional regulation - noticing children playing up and knowing that it's not because they have the wrong spoon, knowing how to actively listen to elicit the actual reason

unpacking lunchboxes/schoolbags on Friday

diet supervision: vitamins/monitoring sugar consumption/junk food/healthy food (how much fruit have you had today?)

Honestly, the thing that illustrates this perfectly for me is the difference between the mums and dad's WhatsApp groups at my kids school.

The mums group has always been about lost jumpers, reminders that they need to bring in an empty plastic bottle for tomorrow's science experiment, organising collections for the teachers Xmas present, homework etc.

The dads is about organising pub trips, sharing rude memes and videos and taking the piss out of each other!

We don’t have children so life is a little simpler for us but my 2 bugbears with DP and life admin is; firstly, he has no idea where we get things from. I manage sourcing all household items - cleaning stuff, pet food & supplies, pantry foods, toiletries, gardening supplies etc etc etc. Most of them I have set up on subscriptions to minimise the time it takes up, but he seems to think these things just magically appear in cupboards. Secondly, he does half jobs. Takes the rubbish out but not put a new bag in the bin. Replace the loo roll but leave the old inner and paper wrapper laying on the side rather than putting them in the recycling. Put laundry on but then leave it in the machine. Or leave clean dry clothes not put away long enough for the cats to make a nest in them and they all need to go through the wash again. It’s infuriating. I’m nowhere near perfect on this stuff either, but I feel like I’m constantly battling him on it. If I won the lottery I would definitely employ a housekeeper. It’s all just so dull, but needs doing.

Oh, wait, there’s a third thing - the claiming “I don’t know how to” on things that I didn’t know how either but I looked it up - checking which weeks are which bin collection, ordering the free covid tests, how we clear algae from the pond.

It’s the thinking and planning behind the actual tasks, isn’t it.

Also, if I wasn't around I'm pretty sure my kids would never brush their teeth properly and our sheets would literally never get changed!

Also, relentlessly repetitively saying 'no you can't

Also, looking after DCs friends, to an extent - learning how to be firm but polite where the boundaries are with kids that come round and help themselves to the fridge/put feet on seats/shout while I'm working, etc, offering food suitable for picky eaters, keeping a supply of shitty kid food in the freezer for such, dealing tactfully with disagreements, fights, arguments and make-ups, dealing with friends' parents, communicating with friends' parents, etc

God, birthday parties

Buying suncream
Worming and fleaing animals
Checking kids vitamins are.suitable, are being consumed and replaced
Toilet roll monitoring

Making sure there's always a good supply of pound coins for DC's snack money, or those non-uniform-bring-in-a-pound-for-charity days that schools are always springing on us.

Keeping on top of the billions of parental WhatsApp groups.

Loving these posts now - cos that's really digging into the emotional labour side of things which is really hard to pin down

I think I'm nominating this one for Classics actually....

Apologies if these have been mentioned.

-knowing child development milestones and when to worry if they aren't met.
-researching and introducing the next stage or milestone e.g. weaning, independent sleep, potty training etc
-researching and buying equipment for above.
-making sure that the baby change bag has everything it should have in.
-packing for a day out and thinking about all eventualities e.g. snacks, suncream, change of clothes etc
-working out where things go in the house.e.g which clothes in which drawer.

• replacing toothbrushes, sponges etc when they become to old.
• making sure that seasonal clothing is available and appropriate before it's needed.

-making friends with other parents to facilitate children's friendships.

Keeping track of filters that need changing
1month on water jug
3month on fridge
6month on hoover filter
Oven hob filters

Keeping track of socks sizes because they bear no relation to actual shoe sizes

Mental note of everyone’s address and is that godchild 5 or 6 next birthday.

@karmakameleon

When I decided I needed DH to do more I found it easier to align the thinking to a job he was already doing. So for example, DH does the morning school run. Therefore he’s responsible for getting the DC to school on time with the right kit. This led naturally to he ensures school bags are packed, sports kit in order, library books returned etc. Obviously he also needs to check everything has been brought back so he can sort everything for the next morning. He follows up on missing items as I have no idea what the took to school and didn’t bring back. He also needs to make sure uniform is washed so they have clean clothes in the morning. If they’ve grown out of uniform, he orders more from the school shop. He’s in charge of name tags and labelling as it makes his life easier when he needs to follow up on lost kit. And do it goes on. All this because he volunteered for the morning drop off

This is exactly it. How many of us have partners who ' do the school run' which consists of recieving children ready to be delivered to school and / picking them up and bringing them home with no responsibility taken for any of the rest of this .

-monitoring screen time and sugar intake. (DD would sit Infront of the TV all day eating biscuits in her PJ's if up to DH)

Booking the window cleaner
Replying to invitations
Buying birthday presents
Organising lifts to parties
Organising play dates
School trip consent forms
Eye tests for kids
Haircuts for kids
Dentist and orthodontist visits
Organising children holiday activities
Buying school uniform, shoes, trainers
Kids pocket money
Passport renewal
Dogs health check / vaccinations
Doing the food shopping order
Home insurance

I'll stop I'm exhausted

Finder Of All The Missing Things. Presumably the uterus is some kind of homing device

Picking up socks all the fucking time

Reading Mumsnet threads related to whatever worrying habit / symptom child has just developed

These lists have been so satisfying

Because of ME, I’ve ‘outsourced’ most of the ‘physical’ work to. DH. Hoovering, cleaning the house etc…
I’ve always felt I’m still doing a lot but couldn’t point out exactly what. Now I have the perfect list!!

More for the tweens/teenagers:

Dentist appts
Orthodontist
Opticians
Consent for vaccinations
Organising driving licence, driving lessons, insurance
Phone contracts etc
Mums taxi everywhere if no public transport
Which exam boards are they doing / buy study guides etc
Organise tutoring if needed
Getting roped onto committees for sports clubs etc

Planning keeping the children occupied, socialised and exercised in a balanced way , including providing things to do to take them away from screens. So making sure that they get out at weekends even if it's raining/cold/you're hungover or tired, making sure they have some cultural capital so making sure they get to go to museums/have library books/opportunity to pursue interests. Sourcing and getting on the waiting lists for activities like Scouts, music teachers, and swimming lessons and working out how as a working parent you will get them to these activities and doing complicated deals with other parents to enable it.Actively arranging for them to see friends/cousins rather than just responding to invites.
Making sure their diet is balanced ( so not resorting to pizza and chips/sausage sandwich everytime it's your turn to cook dinner), and monitoring fruit and veg intake, and tweaking meal planning accordingly on an ongoing basis. Creating meals using up whatever is in the fridge, looking up recipes which will use up and make edible whatever it is that you've got leftover for the few days before payday.
Arranging for seasonal things to happen, such as cleaning out cupboards, washing curtains/soft furnishings occasionally.
If money is tight, as it often is for young families, planning ahead enough to get things free or cheaply when you can - eg going to boot sales and charity shops - shopping this way takes more time than just ordering whatever you want online. Sorting things to donate to charity shops and regular de-cluttering to make sure you have room to store what you need.

Research. Looking up how to deal with difficult questions, reading books on child rearing, checking all the bloody sex ed reference material to check for anything dodgy, parent council meetings, PTA, fitting internet filters, monitoring screen usage, researching health issues, behavioural issues, etiquette issues, educational issues, technical issues, reading reviews for appliances, services, holidays, books, everything. Checking 'common sense' media for game/book/film appropriateness.

Sewing on Beaver badges

Writing names with sharpie or ordering and attaching labels to uniform

Replying on class what’s app to thank pta / volunteers for stuff

Washing, bagging, returning and texting about, misplaced school uniform

Doing ad-hoc clean ups e.g. yogurt spilt on sofa or glass smashed

Order new doormats / toothbrushes / felt tips (medium-term consumables)

Research childcare tax / eligibility for free hours, fill in all the forms

Choose school meals from online menu

Arranging family/friend visits (texts to arrange and after to thank, buying a plant/wine, remembering if they’ve just been on holiday, got a new job, been ill, remembering if they gave a particular toy to the kids recently)

Get kids to make cards (ensuring stock of card, envelope, markers, stamps, stickers and supervising and cajoling the process)

Send thank you texts /calls / cards for kids presents

Buy, wrap, write cards to nursery staff / teachers / childminders

Clarify unclear instructions from school - about homework / forms / random stuff they need to bring in (ask on what’s app group or ask teacher)

Set aside duplicate gifts for re-gifting and remember who gave them

Replace photos in frames around house as kids grow (measure existing frames, choose, crop, order prints, fit prints into frame)

Prepare cardboard boxes for recycling (ones with tonnes of sellotape on them take ages!) and wash out jam jars

Maintain address book/app

Leaving online reviews for products / places

Knowing where and when each DC’s sports training fixtures are each week; making sure kit is clean; knowing how they are getting there, and what we’ll eat when we get it.
Ditto Cubs, Scouts etc

As I said to DH last weekend, through gritted teeth:
Helping with lunch is not putting on a pan of pasta once everyone is already hungry and testy. Helping with lunch is realising that if I am taking DD to a football match an hour away with a 10am kick off, then it’ll be lunchtime when we get in; cooking food to be ready for our return; discussing with me beforehand what that should be OR actually thinking up something yourself that suits all the DC’s fussinesses AND making sure we have it in, either by buying it, or putting it on the shopping list. It is not gawping in the fridge at 12.45 pm after we get in saying “there’s nothing in”

Dr, dentist, optician, school shoes, school uniform.
School applications. School supplies, school shoes, parents mtgs. I suspect dh doesn’t even know what size feet the dc have.

Paying the milkman, feeding the cat

Music lessons, practice, exams

God it pees me off. We both work full time.

Knowing what they like to read and buying new books
Watering the plants

General mental picture of levels of food in

fridge
cupboards
prepper stash
snack boxes
fruit bowl

and planning what to cook several days in advance, and shopping accordingly replenishing tins, etc

livin the dream