Can you keep me company?

[SagacityNell]

I know that you don't know me. I literally have nowhere else to go right now. Ihave used MN in the past but left. I can't link my other names or give clues. I am really sorry.

Just in need of some company.

Sorry.

Pozz - not properly. i have a friend knows i do it but i don't expect her to 'do' anything nor would i urn to her.

Not a chance i will tell my GP.

I have elastic bands on alot anyway. I have a history of EDs and its something i do to distract me from being hungry.

What's it like waking up being me?

shit

Sorry, crossed posts as i-net link is dodgy. Missed your last post mentioning SH Saga so a smiley seems a bit naive and out of place.... DS needs feeding so will log out before I do anything else stupid....

Have you ever got support from a counsellor? No need for anyone to know including your GP? Also some great support websites for SH-can't do links (am ignoramus!) so hope these work!: -
www.firstsignsorg.uk
www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk

keep talking Sag.....

no brit, don't feel bad. i didn't take it like that at all.

I was once referred to psychiatrist (or psych something) after a suicide attempt. I decided to tell her everything and she didn't belive anything. Kept saying "Are you sure?".

I don't tell anyone now.

SHIT Sag that is bloody awful am so angry that you had the courage to share everything and you were so disrespected-stuff like this really pi**es me off-imo psychs can sometimes be a little dismissive (hope I don't get flamed but this is just my experience of the medical model of emotional issues). I totally understand why you don't feel you can talk to anyone which is why coming onto anonymous sites and being able to post is so important-I know you feel shit but please keep talking if not on here then would you feel able to keep a diary for those awful insomniac nights? Sometimes writing stuff down (and then burning or destroying it in some way if you are worried others will find it) can help temporarily get some of those feelings/thoughts out of your head.

I was 16 at the time, severely underweight and had ODd on paracetamol with vodka. It was fucking hard to tell her as well!

I don't write anything down, it can be found that way.

I have a friend on MSN now who i can be honest ish with.

Thanks for sitting with me and sorry for taking up so much time x

That's great news about the MSN friend Sag -an underweight 16 yr old taking an overdose should always be taken seriously

take care and hope you get some sleep & spending this evening with you has been a pleasure......has meant I don't have to talk to DH about Big Brother crap !

Hope I haven't come across as "preachy" can be occupational hazard!

xx

occupational hazard?

I work with teens & adults who need emotional support-get very angry when people aren't getting the support they need & deserve...sorry hope this hasn't made you uncomfortable I have been "me" and have been trying not to be too on the old soapbox....most of what I have shared has been from a personal not professional pov (except the website links...know those cos of work).

No not uncomfortable at all.

WIll look at the links at some point.
Thank you .

Good morning Sag. Just hopped on to see how you were this morning?

How are you, Sag? Hope you managed to get some sleep.

I had a really rubbish nights sleep. Took ages to settle off then was tossing and turning for most of the night.

Sorry for monopolising your time last night.

JUst gonna talk to myself for a bit.

From one of the links welshgirl left -

"Sometimes adults argue that children enjoy sexual contact and so there is nothing wrong with it. But even if a child's body responds to sexual touching, it does not mean the child wanted the abuse."

I have never heard it said like that before.

and
"Children naturally seek affection and attention, and if this is wrapped up with abuse they may 'go back for more'."

If you ask for it, is it still abuse?It's like not saying no when someone is having sex with you and you don't want it-is it still rape if they didn't know you didn't want to do it?

IMHO anything which is inappropriate for an adult to do to a child is abuse - the child doesn't know what is right or wrong - how could they?

With adults its perhaps more grey but I would say that not saying anything is still not the same as wanting it to happen.

sorry, was just thinking out loud

Morning Sag,how you doing today? Have not been on for a couple of days, having a shit time myself at mo.

Thinking out loud in response, I think that it is abusive to misuse a child's need for love and affection.

Even if the child asked for it?

Just been having some odd flashback type things of me asking one of my abusers to do "that thing". It's not abuse then is it?

Sorry I've been lurking on here....noticed it last night and wanted to check you were OK, Sag. Had to de-lurk to say categorically 100% it IS abuse . Absolutely.

As per this.....
"Children naturally seek affection and attention, and if this is wrapped up with abuse they may 'go back for more'."

xxx

I don't know the circumstances surrounding why i asked. I am sure that will come back to me at some point. WRT this particular person, i had always been told that i asked for it. I didn't know i literally did.

I didn't know i had blocked anything, i knew i had stuff that i didn't recall properly but i didn't know i had completely blocked things out.

You were the child. They were the adult (I'm assuming). Even if you 'asked for it' they shouldn't have done anything - its abuse. The fact that you have a flashback asking them to do 'that thing' suggests that it happened previously and doubtlessly not initiated by you. So that was abuse too. None of it you brought on yourself - no matter what they said.

Still definitely abuse. If you were a child then you couldn't have really known what was happening. You shouldn't have known anything about 'that thing', should never have been exposed to it in the first place. And as you say, you don't yet recall why you asked.

Also, remember that children will ask for all sorts of things at different ages. If a young child asked to try her parent's alcoholic drink or cigarette, and was given their own, it would be abuse. Simple. What you are describing is the same.

I have been on ADs several times but always stopped them because they seem to only give me the side effects, what would happen if i told the GP exactly how i feel? Would social services have to be involved? Would there have to be some kind of intervention?

I am considering going back onto ADs but i think that in order for me to get some that actually work for me, i think i might have to tell them about SH.

I am not staying online long - I have an appointment with Mr Smirnoff so please don't worry if i don't reply.