I want out. I have had enough.

[FabIsRubbish]

The house is a mess and the floors are dirty in the hall and kitchen. DS1's room is a dump and smells. He is 9.

There is washing everywhere, it is clean but not folded and if Dh or I don't put it away it will stay there forever.

I can't be bothered to do anything at all. DS2 is watching telly when I should be giving him one to one attention as everyone else is out.

Dh is back at work tomorrow and has had a crap time off.

I can't be bothered to breathe anymore. Why can't I just be taken?

Fab you need to speak to somebody in RL about this.

sounds like my house! And probably a great many others.

Sorry if its not helpful, but seems pretty normal to me.

coco - who? I saw my GP for a routine check up this morning - have too when on long term AD's - but he just wasn't listening and I couldn't be bothered when he was like that. He spent more time talking about the last appointment when I had other problems and then telling me I should cancel my neurology appointment.

The cat has just been drinking out of ds2's beaker and I let her.

Can you speak to another GP? If you are having MH issues do you have a psych nurse you can talk to? You seem so up and down, last week your posts seemed positive Is there a helpline you could phone.

Sorry I'm asking more questions

1. It is the Easter hols. All houses look like a bomb site.

1. Your DH is there. Can he not help?

1. You say if you or dh don't put the washing away it will stay there forever. Same as everyone elses unless you have a maid.

1. All kids bedrooms are messy. But if your son is 9 then he can do some tidying up. Get dh to have a word.

1. DS2 watching TV. That is fine too. He is on his hols and it won't kill him if you are not feeling up to doing much.

None if this is worth getting het up about. Honestly

I have never had a psych nurse though I am having therapy but not for 3 weeks as she doesn't see me in holiday time. I am paying privately for cranial treatment after he first treated me for a damaged neck but that is monthly now.

I realised today I don't know how to be a mother as I was never a mother. I keep getting told this is what kids do/are like so it is obviously me who is handling it wrong and not coping.

I am upstairs folding washing while ds2 watched cbeebies. Anything rather than play with them as I don't know how too. If I read to him he would love it, I would enjoy it but it would feel false.

I think you have a picture in your head of how the perfect mother should be and get upset because, you think, you're not. As long as your DCs are happy and feel loved that's all that matters.

You're not the only person who dislikes playing with their DCs, I'm another one. You're too hard on yourself.

I don't know if they are happy really though they say they are. DS1 has said once that he doesn't know how much I love him and that I do but that could be just him not understanding the magnitude of a mum's love or feeling out of sorts that day. I love them so much I feel bad I can't be happy with them. Everything is such a struggle. Dh is fed up with me I know.

If your DS2 would love it if you read to him, then do it. Do it for him. Do it because he would be happy. Whether or not you feel it would be false, you cannot deny there would be some level of satisfaction that you have made him pleased?

You may just find you enjoy it too.

you need to get a grip of this, if you are feeling this low and this suicidal, and have done for a long time then you need to take steps , rather than just posting on MN

your DH also needs to take this in hand

you need to see a differnet doc

if you feel like you would rather be dead, then i suggest you go to your A&E and see a duty psych

you cannot go on like this, but you have to do something, the help does not come to you

if you cannot do that, then your DH must

sorry to sound harsh

i told you what i did, and it worked for me

but me and DH had to make it happen

and agree, you have this picture of what a perfect mum is

from what i gatehr, you love your children, you try too hard to make it all lovely, you cook and bake lovely stuffm make sure they get to school , and do all the stuff a parent should

what i find interesting is that Dh is very much on the periphery of this, like he is barely involved in your life and problems and with bringing up the DCs

it might be totally wrong, but it always strikes me you feel like you are doing this alone and that is a big burden to carry

Read to them at bedtime, give them a hug and kiss and tell the you love them.

My DD1 isn't very tactile and I have to make an effort to remember to hug her (the youngest is like a monkey, she's always clinging onto someone). DD1 will actually tense up when I touch her but if I stopped she will ask me if I don't love her any more.

He is going to chose a book when his programme has finished.

And CHANGE your name!!!!! Be positive. Don't wallow.

fab, are you suicidal?

Lulu - all I really know is you went to a clinic. You give me hope though as you are well now.

Dh is a hands on dad. he is out now with 2 of them but would rather we were all out together. I think he has run out of patience tbh and he is so good to me so don't mean that to sound as bad as it is. He doesn't want to hear I have had enough. He is a much better parent than me but is now struggling when the kids are badly behaved. I honestly feel he would cope better if I wasn't here. The kids wouldn't eat as well as they do now but they wouldn't starve or have crap. I am the problem here and I know it.

"I realised today I don't know how to be a mother as I was never a mother."

That should say I never had a mother.

I don't know, lulu.

I want it all to be over but as for doing anything and leaving my kids, I couldn't do it. I resent that.

Do you want to leave the family? Or are you suicidal. If you are you shouldn't be on here you should be speaking to DH.

x-post.

If you feel like this, your ADs aren't working, Fab.

The fact is, you cannot process any information or do a meaningful stocktake of your life when you feel like this.

You cannot gauge how much your children love you, or how much you love them through this fog. When you feel better, you will not need to gauge it at all.

See another GP, and see them quickly. Also call HV.

None of the actions are wrong, the messy house, kids watching TV pah; same in houses across the country! It's what these things are signifying to you which is worrying. You are seeing a messy house as a reflection on your own unworthiness. This is not rational.

Please call somebody. If it were normal to feel like you do on ADs, nobody would ever take or prescribe them. They are NOT working. You may need a new prescription.

Fab

I hope I will not sound patronising.

I am not a 'natural' mother, either. This has been an ongoing problem with my DS (8)- he is so different to me, I never felt I really 'clicked' with him, I didn't use to enjoy spending time with him. I also have been slightly depressed for a while. In the end I could feel that our relationship wasn't as close as it should be. I took baby steps, 20 minutes here and there in the evenings where he had my undivided attention and where I would listen very carefully to his monologues about Pokemon or similar. I started giving him more hugs etc. Very soon, we became much closer and I found out things about him that I wasn't aware of before that made it really interesting to spend time with him. Now, our relationship is so much better and feels natural to me iyswim. But I had to force myself to do this in the beginning.

In the end I think it was also a sense of responsability for his happiness- I was the one that could make him feel better and it was something I aspired to.

Obviously he was never neglected before, it was just that I felt a lot (I think) the way you do.

Baby steps.

No one says every mother has to rejoice in spending time with her kids every day. That's bullshit. But it's good to force oneself to get closer to them iyswim.
Not sure if I made any sense or whether it's even applicable to your situation, so sorry if I missed the point.

but it is a process fab, and it starts with being honest

and i am not liking your DH not liking hearing when you'ev had enough

i also don't understand why you are not out today as a family

so, start by being honest - are you suicidal?

you need to push for more hlep, ask for a referral to a consultant psych, yoiu need intensive treatment and different meds as you have been in this state of health for a long time

your GP is not best placed to prescribe meds and psych treatment, you need a specialist in this field

i had been thrrough the process of seeing therapists, had ~CBT, different meds in differnt doses , CPN, crisis team , NHS psych and then a private psych culmnating in in patient treatment

but no-one is going to just give it to you

you have also said in the past you have not been able to delve fully in to your issues in therpay as it is too painfuk

for as long as you do not confront those things, you will not be well

you are as sick as your secrets

therefore , as i have said, you have to be honest with yourself, your doc and your DH

x posted..

so it is for the children you are still here?

you need to be at a point where you want to be here because you have a life to live and things to do and enjoy and so on

I am here for my kids that is all.

DH is amazing. I have hurt him a lot with an emotional affair but he is still here and still loves me. I love him so much too. I owe him everything.

I am just so angry at myself.

we are not out as a family as i handled this morning all wrong.

how is it i was a really good nanny but are rubbish as a mum.

i am having therapy usually weekly but not atm as she doesn't see me when the kids are off.

thank you winnybella. i will try that.

i think it just expect to fail as i have been like this for so long so find it hard to get the energy to try.