I want out. I have had enough.

[FabIsRubbish]

The house is a mess and the floors are dirty in the hall and kitchen. DS1's room is a dump and smells. He is 9.

There is washing everywhere, it is clean but not folded and if Dh or I don't put it away it will stay there forever.

I can't be bothered to do anything at all. DS2 is watching telly when I should be giving him one to one attention as everyone else is out.

Dh is back at work tomorrow and has had a crap time off.

I can't be bothered to breathe anymore. Why can't I just be taken?

I have no idea what you mean.

I am absolutely fine today. DS2 is still poorly so I am worried about him but I also know how I feel and I feel good today.

I have decided I will see a different doctor the next time I feel like I did the other day and I will also be talking to my therapist about the other day when I next see her.

My good friend is seriously ill atm, just found out this morning, so I have stuff on my m ind but my mental state is good.

Believe me if I felt like I did the other day I would be at the doctors straight away.

i am sorry to hear about your friend

from an outsiders POV, your post yesterday was not a one off, it is the continuation of a cycle of mental unwellness

if you feel like you did yesterday , you'd get to the docs straight away? but you've felt like that a myriad of times, you've posted on MN about it , so why do you not see this as a continuation, rather than a series of one offs that are out of the ordinary

part of getting well is acceptance of the problem, and knowing you need help

i don't think you are there yet, you are still in denial, and you dont think you are.. whihc is the whole point of denial!

fab - I wish you would listn to lulu. she obviously speaks alot of sense, and has been there too. She has come out the other side and wants to help you. Looks like you don't want to heed any of her advice which is a shame. There will be a next time when you post that you want out. There have been many over the years. It is a real cycle with you and you know it. One fun day does not heal everything.

I think either you know deep down you need this help but don't want to go there, or things are maybe not as bad as you have made out.

This does sound harsh, but when you post on here talking about suicide and 'wanting out' I am not quite sure what you want people to say?

There is a lot of genuine, good advice been given to you over the years, but you take none of it on board. Shame.

i think she's embarrassed guys.

i get the feeling that she gets super low sometimes, as alot of people do, but isn't able to express it to those around her and a forum like this is an easy way to get immediate attention.

problem is the responses are from real people who get emotionally involved, especially when suicide is mentioned.

i don't doubt that fab feels like she 'wants out' but i also believe her that she feels fine today- fine for her, if you know what i mean.

of course she should be going to the doctors to re-assess her meds and depression treatment but this obviously goes deeper than that. she's learned to cope with her feelings this way, somewhere along the way, and you can't just undo entrenched behaviour overnight.

it must be very hard to know how to balance a mental health problem with kids, especially when you've not had a mother figure growing up.

I hear you all, I do but I also know how I am and blinks is probably right as this is usual for me. I hadn't thought of the other day as a continuation of the same event, I suppose as the bit about wanting out usually passes after a day and I don't really want out of life. I just want out of the situation of not being able to cope with the children.

I have 2 issues. I have clinical depression from the chemical reaction to having the children but also the double whammy of trying to cope with a rotten childhood. The other day was a reaction to the children's behaviour, me not handling it well and the house being a mess.

TBH I do think no one can help me as 50 minutes a week is not going to ever be enough to undo all the stuff I have in my head. That is partly why I don't go to the doctor when I feel suicidal as I have no confidence they can help me and because I know I would not try and kill myself so all I am offered is more tablets or a different kind of therapy. Actually my osteopath is helping me more by treating my cranially than anyone else.

I am not in denial. I know it isn't good to feel like I did but that is normal for me to get like this every so often and as the doctor hasn't really got me, and it takes ages to get an appointment, I do feel what is the point in going.

i know blinks, i know

BUT posting and asking for help means people get involved

there is a point to going ot the docs, there is a point in getting referred to CPN and a crisis team, so that when days like yesterday rear their heads again, she has someone to contact immediately.

50 minutes a week is a start in terms of therapy.. not ideal, but a good start

it is difficult when feeling so low is the norm, to see a time when you will ever feel better, or normal, i remember despairing of ever being a regular person again, but it happened

MN is a good outlet for things, but at the end of teh day, only you can make the legwork involved to get things to happen

that's what i mean, lulu- fab needs to understand that the language she uses when she's describing her low feelings immediately gets other people emotionally involved.

fab- you need to find new ways to express yourself. i know it's hard. i myself had a pretty rotten upbringing and get entrenched in patterns of behaviour due to not having a healthy example of a parental relationship to mimic... whenever my husband and i fall out, i immediately want to divorce him and leave. i have a very hard time keeping a handle on anger.

ie a dramatic response to a non-dramatic situation. over-reactions generally happen because you have an emotional response to a situation. this could well be because you have a fear of not being able to mother 'well'. this fear could trigger a dramatic response to minor events that involve parenting.

it's great that you now recognise that you don't really want out of life- it's more about wanting out of the situation... if you tailor your language, both in your head and when you write on MN to reflect that reality- you may well feel less overwhelmed.

you clearly CAN cope and CAN overcome these dark moments so that's a positive thing to take from it.

Lulu, what do you believe there is out there to offer people in Fab's situation. What can be done except meds and therapy??
I understand that an understanding ear on a very bad day may help diffuse a situation but honestly what else is there out there.
Long term chronic depression is difficult to manage and really I feel the NHS have little to offer. It may be a case of Fab learning to cope with her depression and waiting for her personal circumstances to change to a situation that is putting her under less stress then her depression will lift.
Sorry to talk Fab like you were not here but it's just I can identify with how you are. Some days I feel like I can't go on then there are days when I dont feel as bad. It's difficult because unless the NHS is going to prescribe nannys aand house keepers we will carry on having the same stresses.

there are degrees of meds and therapies

once a week for 50 minutes may not be enough

a psychiatrist is far better placed to prescribe and tweak the doseage of anti depressants

access to a crisis team and a CPN

access to a psych

i had all of the above on the NHS

in the end I went privately as i was deteriorating and had been unwell for a long time, and was referred within 48 hours for in patient treatment.

i beleive the first port of call is back to teh GP to ask for a referral to a psych

i don't think that there are enough resuorces available, but there is more out there than Fab is using.

if i had known then what i know now, i would have begged and borrowed the money for my private psych care. it turned my life around.

What did you get privately that the NHS didn't give you?
What happened in that 48 hr inpatient time that hadn't happened before?
I agree that MHT referal might be helpful but after many years of being unwell I finally got refered and what do I get - try this different tablet and have some therapy!

in patient treatment, with 4 hours therapy per day on a group basis and individual therapy, with a holistic approach, my meds were changed completely, rather than the scattergun approach of raising current dose 20 mg for 6 weeks to see what happens..i was also given sleeping tablets which finally allowed me some decent sleep after literally years of disturbed/ no sleep. the 48 hours was the period of time i needed from seeing the psych to sort stuff out before treatment commenced.

Did the private care continue after the inpatient time?
Oh god I don't know the answer, just wished someone had a magic wand sometimes

yes. but tbh , i was well enough after one follow up visit to be dishcarged and came off ADs slowly 5 months later. i was then able to try for a much longed for second child. and no return of the depression which was PND which became chronic long term depression.

i do remember the despair and thinking i would never be well

i think if you are on the right meds in an appropriate dose and getting some sleep, it makes a difference day to day.

wishing you the best too it is a horrible way to exist, it is not really living

I just get so frustrated Lulu because I ty and try I go to therapy each week when other don't bother to turn up, I have tried many meds none of which help much and have found myself a mixture of natural alternatives which get me to a point where I can carry on from day to day but there is still no real enjoyment in life.

it is really hard, i had to try lots of different therapies and meds and doseages, but honestly, seeing a psych and getting a different drug at a different dose made a lot of different. went from 60mg of seroxat to 175mg of effexor and within a couple of days, i was feeling a difference.. altough it took a while for them to kick in fully...

it took me almost 4 years to get to that point though..and DH really forced the issue in seeing someone outside the NHS.

I have given up on the drugs to be honest. I feel they are right for someone who has a major depression that needs somethings strong to help them continue but not for the greyness of life that goes on and on sometimes better sometimes worse.
Just don't know the answer. I think that one day a shift in my life may bring back the joy but untill then I will just go on 'striving' as they say in therapy and wait for the light to shine. I live in hope see!