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Original poster

I want out. I have had enough.

116 replies

FabIsRubbish · 07/04/2010 13:10

The house is a mess and the floors are dirty in the hall and kitchen. DS1's room is a dump and smells. He is 9.

There is washing everywhere, it is clean but not folded and if Dh or I don't put it away it will stay there forever.

I can't be bothered to do anything at all. DS2 is watching telly when I should be giving him one to one attention as everyone else is out.

Dh is back at work tomorrow and has had a crap time off.

I can't be bothered to breathe anymore. Why can't I just be taken?

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 20:49

living every day wishing you could die or weren't here is not normal or healthy

being scared of being happy is not healthy

this is not a down day

the denial is quite frightening

cocolepew · 07/04/2010 20:52

lulu is right, I said I don't always read your threads and this is becauae they are always the same. You aren't heeding any advice you are given.

I'm sorry Fab but you need to go and get professional help, fight for it if needs be.

You deserve to be happy but you need help to achieve this.

cocolepew · 07/04/2010 20:54

Sorry if that sounds cruel, there's a reason I do't usually post in this topic I'm not known for my tact.

Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 20:55

fab, i have been where you are

you have to make things happen, and if you can't then you must get DH on board

Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 20:57

i think that starting a thread saying you want out at lunchtime but by late evening, not even having made another GP appointmnet is sad, sad that fab does not feel she is worthy of or needs the help...

it is upsetting me, actually.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 07/04/2010 21:17

Fab -
fab·u·lous (fby-ls)
adj.

  1. Barely credible; astonishing: the fabulous endurance of a marathon runner.
  2. Extremely pleasing or successful:

You are entitled to be happy -
on a scale out of 10 with elation at 10 where do you sit most days?

You deserve to be up there at 8 or 9 most days!! (10 would be exhausting !)

start with that old phrase that gets slated on here.. A happy mum makes happy kids.

it is true
talk to anyone who grew up with a depressed parent. They need you to be well. they don't need you to be happy clappy all the time but they do need to feel stable

if you are going to stay here because you couldn't bear to leave the children then you owe it to them & you to sort this out.

cocolepew · 07/04/2010 21:21

That was a lovely post Greyskull.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 07/04/2010 21:26

thanks coco tis nowt but the truth!

blinks · 07/04/2010 21:26

i get a feeling that all of this is inner dialogue and on the surface you're saying different stuff... is that true?

what you say about how you feel guilty about how you've behaved towards the kids... do you express that to anyone? and i don't mean on mumsnet.....

you sound like you have a barrier around you.

what happened with your mum?

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 08/04/2010 08:20

How are you feeling this morning fab??

Lulumaam · 08/04/2010 14:52

fab, i have been thinking of you and i hope you are getting things in motion to get the suport and help you need and deserve.

PaintPod · 08/04/2010 15:58

Hopefully taking steps to get things sorted, or having a day out with the dc.

Fingers crossed the lack of posting back on this thread means actions are underway.

cocolepew · 08/04/2010 16:00

Thiking off you too Fab. Hoping it's a good sign you're not on here. Take care.

Original poster
FabIsRubbish · 08/04/2010 17:42

Thank you for asking. I am okay but DS2 isn't well so just cuddling him atm.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 08/04/2010 20:25

sorry to hear that

have you made any progress yourself in speaking to the docs etc?

Original poster
FabIsRubbish · 08/04/2010 20:48

DS2 has been poorly since we got up so he has been my priority today.

The kids and I have had a great day

We went to the pet shop and Homebase to do errands then to the park, home for lunch then chill time and then I played out the front with them. I played games with dd while ds2 had a nap and have been cuddling him since about 5 when he was really unwell. I have just been upstairs with him for ages a little while ago as he was crying and wanted me.

I am good when they are ill but I was determined I was going to try today and be a proper mum and it has been really really nice. Helped not coming on here and have just joined in when they have asked me too and said yes to what they have asked for that was reasonable.

I feel less scared too and are enjoying the memory of the best day we have had in ages.

I am not pretending yesterday didn't happen but I am sure it was because it was my down day.

Quite often the way I handle the kids behaviour is the reason I end up feeling like I did yesterday, won't bore you with the reasons, etc, but I am feeling much better today.

My cat was fitting this morning too so it has been a bit of a illness day.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 08/04/2010 21:11

am glad you are feeling better that is great and positive

however, i am still convinced it is not just a down day and would put money on this type of thread being posted again and again and again

you speak of wanting to get out/end things, and then the next day totally downplay

the denial is still frightening

i have been where you are and come through it.
you don't get through it in 24 hours

i wish you all the best

Original poster
FabIsRubbish · 08/04/2010 21:18

I am not down playing anything or in denial.

Yesterday I felt really really rubbish and low. Today I feel really good as I haven't shouted at the kids, nothing has got out of hand, I haven't had any bad thoughts. I have enjoyed my kids company and doing things with them.

With me, I am very up and down and it is like a switch. I have also tried to kill myself before and no way want to go through that again so wouldn't let it get that bad.

I won't be posting threads like this again and again for lots of reasons.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 08/04/2010 21:20

i hope things work out

IME and IMO , for what it is worth, you will always feel like this without serious help

what happens next time things don't go right with the DCs or you shout or feel down?

anyway, you have clearly made your decision about how to handle things, so i wish you , sincerely, all the best

Original poster
FabIsRubbish · 08/04/2010 21:24

Lulu, seriously, what can I say? I am on ADs, I am having therapy, I have issues that no amount of talking will ever make go away and I am doing the best I can.

You said I was as sick as my secrets but what secrets do you think I have?

No idea what will happen next time I feel down but I am not worrying about that now. I am still enjoying the feeling of a good day and will build on that tomorrow.

Right now my 4 year old is poorly and all I want is for him to sleep well and wake up all better.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 08/04/2010 21:27

have you seen a psychiatrist?

you are not even having weekly therapy at the moment

there are threads on which you have said you are unable to discuss with a therapist some deep rooted stuff

you have been suicidal in the past and were talking along the same lines yesterday.

your threads have been the same for at least a year about your mental health.. that shows your current care plan is not working and needs tweaking at the least

you said your Doctor does not listen properly

what do you want me to say?

it is incredibly frustrating for me as someone who has come through a very difficult period of depression, to offer you advice , that i know will help.. but oyu dismiss it

i wish you the best, that is why i keep posting to offer advice

but it is up to you if you take it

Original poster
FabIsRubbish · 08/04/2010 21:31

I am not dismissing anything you say and I appreciate all you post but I can only do what I can do.

I am not seeing her weekly because she doesn't see me during the school holidays.

I am seeing someone and tbh I don't know her title but I am discussing things with her that I haven't been able to talk to her before so I am making progress but that comes with feeling strong enough to do so and in a position of feeling trust with the therapist.

I have made progress. Normally when I have days like that I want to leave, to ring people I shouldn't and just snap at the kids. I didn't do that yesterday and any cross feeling towards the kids was because of their behaviour and not my resentment.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 08/04/2010 21:38

i hope that this positivity continues , i really do

Original poster
FabIsRubbish · 08/04/2010 21:39

Thanks

I expect there are tough times ahead but right now I am just enjoying today.

I have been through worse and I will be okay one day.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 08/04/2010 21:43

ok,as i see it fab you have posted your vulnerabilities and dont much care for some comments received and feel you have to defend self.however,such is nature of online discussion.if you do feel fragile an online blow by blow account of your mental state is unlikely to ameliorate or reassure you

however,you have received good advice

the decision about what to do is up to you.i suspect you already know the answer