I want out. I have had enough.

[FabIsRubbish]

The house is a mess and the floors are dirty in the hall and kitchen. DS1's room is a dump and smells. He is 9.

There is washing everywhere, it is clean but not folded and if Dh or I don't put it away it will stay there forever.

I can't be bothered to do anything at all. DS2 is watching telly when I should be giving him one to one attention as everyone else is out.

Dh is back at work tomorrow and has had a crap time off.

I can't be bothered to breathe anymore. Why can't I just be taken?

I think dh thinks if I was less bogged down with the house and kids I would feel better mentally.

SPB, that is a problem yes. Do you remember the children's programmne where the theme tune went, Turn Off The Tv And Go And Find Something Else To Do?

Fab, I'm about to start a thread about having a self destructive gene, so you have my utmost sympathy.

As for tasks. I honestly think you need to do a Fake It Till You Make It thing here, a bit. I could be wrong, and I also reiterate my agreement with Lulu - go and see someone else about changing your ADs. But, still:

For today:

1. Try and get all three DCs involved in a game with you. If you're card game people, play a card game (can be short!). Or board game. Or the ever-brilliant 'here's a torch, shine it into the corners of the house and see what you can find' (tm someone on MNet who I can't remember but was superimpressed by. The point is to engage them in a game for, say, half an hour. You used to be a nanny, drag up some of the craft activities from those days maybe. Doesn't matter if it feels false. Doesn't matter at all. Just do it.
2. If DS1 doesn't want to join in, don't push it, play with the other two. What does he like to do? Can you find something to do with him for a bit later?
3. This is important. After DCs are in bed (I don't know what time a 9 year old goes to bed but am assuming it's before you and DH), sit down with DH, maybe with a glass of wine if that's your thing, and talk about a future holiday - weekend away camping, whatever - point is to talk about something nice, in the near future. Ask him where he'd like to go for a weekend, as a family.

having time to yourself is part of it

however, it won't make you well

so, i look forward to hearing your plan

TBH there are some things in my head that I will never be well with and I know. I have something huge going on in my life at the moment which when resolved will hopefully help settle some ghosts but that will be a year or more away.

My plan is to try and say yes more to the kids, think before I answer them, not automatically say no, to ignore anything bad that isn't physical and to get out of the house every day. I will also try and set aside time each day just for one to one with them even if it is only 10-20 minutes each.

Off to have dinner with them now. Thanks for listening. Again.

you aer always waiting for something ot be laid to rest/finished before you can move on, you are spending your life in limbo

why are you not going back to a differnt docs?

why are you not pushing for more help or a referral??

To be fair, this big thing I am dealing with atm is legal and I can't make the law work faster.

fair enough but why are you not going back to the docs

this is not going ot magically get better on its own

feeling this low and depressed needs medical management and help and you need it fast

i feel like you are avoiding the bits you don't want to respond to , even though they ar the relevant bits

I am not consciously ignoring anything. I am well aware of how up and down I am and just think this is a real down day for me and I am already thinking what the children and I will do together tomorrow to have a better day.

My GP was good in the beginning but I expect he has had enough too as he doesn't listen in the same way he used to so there is no point trying to tell him how things are. He had a student with him today and still didn't try to listen though he did call me MrsFab when he wouldn't normally.

I will ask to see a different doctor if I have another day like this but I can't go every time I feel like this.

how often do you get this down? how many days per month?

I used to always have one day about a week before my period was due that I was very very down but I coped. I take agnus castus - the doctor told me too - and I definitely know about it if I forget to take it. My down day now seems to be a few days after my period has finished so I am a bit .

fab - that is exactly what you n eed to do. go to the gp constantly until they listen.

Clearly no progress has been made in the last few years. Why will going swimming and going outside for 20 mins a day help? In the short term, yes, but you obviously have major issues which actually need addressing.

Think of how many years you have felt this way. Think how many more years there will be feeling the same unless you and your dh take action. Has your dh ever been to speak to the doc about you? Has he had any say with any professionals about how you feel. After all he is the one who lives with this day in day out, and would have the cleraest picture yet.

You both need to get this sorted and now. Otherwise you will be posting the exact same thread year in year out.

Harsh but tru. There is only a limited amount of advice you can gain from here. Real life is where you can get the help you need. Afterall, what good has all the advice and listening ears on here done so far.

the not knowing how to be a mother due to not having one sounds like you would feel better if all your mothering skills were validatred somehow but that your point of reference is missing. don't feel like that, i expect you know plenty of people who would vouch for your parenting skills.

as for it feeling false, reading to ds etc. i think it probably feels false for most parents, some of the time but you have to keep doing it until it feels normal. even if it feels false to you, ds still gets the enjoyment of you reading to him or whatever, he will still like it so its still a worthwhile task for you.

sometimes you have to do a lot of 'going through the motions' to get to a place where you actually feel alright.

Fab - I have stupidly perhaps - lived out my breakdown on MN, and some amazing people helped me to get to the doctors to admit that I din't want to be here anymore.

It was only that brutal honesty with the gp that made her press the panic button and get me psych help.

I have spent the last 2 years in therapy and I am not a finished prduct yet, but I can now just about see light at the end of the tunnel.

The NHS system does take prodding and if you don't feel that you deserve the help then your DH must step upto the plate and shout on your behalf.

There are lots of ladies that have posted about messy houses being normal and I get the feeling that that doesn't help you at all - it wouldn't have helped me - because YOUR messy house is a sign that you don't feel in control, for some it is literally a product of having small children/other priorities.

PLEASE let you DH read your threads, if you can't bring yourself to talk to him he will get to see real deep honest depression in your posting and will realise what he needs to do for you.

and FWIW I know I have hurt my DH more than anyone should ever hurt anyone. and Although he hasn't kept my goodbye note that I left him we both will never forget that I did it.

Thank YOU

I think DH feels we have been together so long it should have cancelled out some of the bad stuff and insecurities.

It is hard when people just say go to the doctor as it isn't that easy sometimes and because I honestly don't feel I will ever be okay.

Off to put the washing mountain away now.

I get that - you will be - and my lovely lady that I see each week is keeping old of the hope that I can't feel for me. She said quite early on that she understood I felt it was hopeless and she promised to hold on it until I felt ready to feel it myself.

It made me cry!

I grew up without a mum too fab (well she was around sometimes but when she was it was horrendous).

Every day I used think I can't do this, I don't know how to. Am I doing ok? Is DS doing this/that/the other because I'm rubbish.

More often than not now instead of doing that I think - DS is not wandering the streets, he is not hungry, he has a bed to sleep in, the police are not going to knock at the door... all the small positive things.

And i know for me it will never be ok either, but i will do my best to make it as ok for DS as I can.

Not perfect... but... just concentrate on the positive things you do. And if its not something outrightly horrible (like shouting for no reason), then thats not a negative (e.g house a tip is not a negative in my book) then its a "middle". I didnt cause it, i just havent sorted it yet.

I'm rambling !

Admitting I don't want to be here is pointless really as I have to be, I have no choice. DS1 has just yelled at me so I have come downstairs out of the way and left DH to sort them out.

Tomorrow is another day.

shame you feel low,go gp ASAP
discuss how you are feeling overwhelmed/lost dont gloss it tell it as it is.if you cant face talking write it down
ask for medication review.
do you have cmht input?psychiatrist?

has anything changed over recently?any external stressful events

do see gp,talk this.it doesn't have to be like this

honestly

give any meds change a few weeks

hope things improve

Never had a cmht but I am having cbt therapy. I think it is just a down day tbh. Need to rein this in before it goes too far as I am on my own with the kids tmw and Friday.

Thanks.

ask gp about IAPT if you are eligible or can get gp refer for cbt or therapy

do ask about med review

so apart from a down day once a month, how are you the rest of the time?

how do you express your sadness?

I probably have a handful of days a month when I feel happy. It doesn't last though as the feeling scares me. I shout at the kids sometimes and it is so out of order it isn't even in the chart as I am expecting babies to make it okay for me.

Ds1 has just put his arms out to me to cuddle and say goodnight and I just feel so bad as I haven't done anything with him today and have been a bit snappy.

I am in bed now, dh has gone for a run and he goes back to work tomorrow.

I filled in a mental health questionnaire on nhs direct and it said call 999. Just because I wish I could die doesn't mean I will kill myself, I can't, so I am in bed and just hope for a decent nights sleep and an okay day tomorrow. I am giving the kids the choice what we do and I hope they chose to go out somewhere.

wondering if cbt is what you need right now - sounds like you need help addressing underlying issues and cbt is not much good for that.

IAPT well...had 14 great sessions with a good therapist then it is finished, can't have any more says the golden rule of IAPT..so had to move to a different counsellor

And yes I know wanting to die is not the same as wanting to kill yourself but it's still not clever (been there myself erm this weekend when dh's headache tablets started to look attractive - except I talked about that feeling with two friends I trust and that's taken the sting out).

Stop thinking tomorrow it will all be ok - don't become like the many people I've managed over the years who all keep doing the same thing and expect different results!

cbt does have advantage that if you suitable,it can be targeted and outcome focussed.thus specifically addressing identified issues.and to an extent one could say many anxieties/mood disorders have longer term triggers. doesnt mean a here an now cognitive approach should be discounted

thing is with therapy one size doesn't fit all- some therapies work, some dont

what i would urge is see gp get a handle on this.
try get a plan,what do you want?
you will only know what the recommendations are after face to face assessment.

this is not a down day

i cannot CANNOT stress enough you must take action TODAY

or tomorrow this will be the same ad infinitum as your threads on MN have shown

am not going to say 'there there 'anymore.. it is not enough

you must seek help today

this rubbish about 20 minutes me time being enough to conquer this chronic depression is not enough

how many moer times can you ask teh question and then ignore the asnwer?