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Original poster

Fighting Our Way Back Up - the depression list thread!

840 replies

MathsMadMummy · 30/03/2010 18:08

Thanks to ToccataAndFudge for the name

Right, so this is where those of us with depression can write our lists of daily achievements!

...hopefully tomorrow's list will be better than today's...

OP posts:
allegrageller · 05/04/2010 13:56

sounds like all round rubbish day- sorry everyone

I hve at least got dressed and must go out for a walk soonish ere I attach permanently to this chair. Feel really sluggish, and flat like you say Tocc. Bleurgh.

ToccataAndFudge · 05/04/2010 14:36

yea flat is the only word I can think of, still pottering round getting stuff done, but just bleurgh.

LittleMarshmallow · 05/04/2010 14:54

Yeah I made up and dressed and have booked a table at pizza hut for ds

allegrageller · 05/04/2010 16:11

went out for walk and feel better- highly recommended- sometimes I think constant activity is the only way to stay feeling ok! Left to self I go to rot....

BeckyBendyLegs · 05/04/2010 16:26

My mum has just given me a hypnotherapy session for anxiety (she used to be a hypnotherapist). I feel much calmer now and relaxed but just feel so sad about how unhappy I am feeling and cross that having a baby has done this to me when I should be happy. The DSs are painting cardboard boxes! They are enjoying being at home.

allegrageller · 05/04/2010 16:37

Becky, there's no 'shoulds' in having a baby- it's bloody tough. That's we we get PND (I did and I'm still depressed now lmao).

Do you think it was the 'critical mass' of 3 kids that did it for you with this baby? I had depression with ds1 but a lot less with ds2 as I felt used to things like having no life etc

BeckyBendyLegs · 05/04/2010 17:28

I think a lot of factors caused it with DS3: I wanted a third baby so, so much and had an MC the year before so when he arrived it was a bit emotional, I worked really hard the 12 months before he was born and loved my job and then it suddenely stopped, also with a four year gap between DS2 and DS3 I'd forgotten how hard it can be, and the usual breastfeeding problems which I have had with all three but felt most keenly this time, and DS3 hasn't been the most contented baby of all time as he has really bad eczema and sleep is erratic. I had it with DS1 but mildly (so much so I didn't even know it although DH said recently that he knew). I'm not sure whether I had it with DS2 or not, I was quite down for the first five or six months but that's just normal I guess.

LittleMarshmallow · 05/04/2010 18:00

It's only recently that I have found out I def had pnd with ds. It didn't help with my marriage breaking down and ds being sick for most of the first year.
I was on a downward spiral in Oct and h's death in Nov made things a million times worse now I spend my day fighting to survive each hour

seashore · 05/04/2010 19:06

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BeckyBendyLegs · 05/04/2010 19:48

It is hard to see the positive but we need to keep telling ourselves we are strong people. Others who do not go through any sort of depression or depressive type issues do not have to go through the fight we have to. It is hard to do but very fulfilling when do get through the days with positives.

I've just been looking at DS3 and thinking how lovely he is. He's now nearly five months and all smiley and curvy, he's at that lovely age before they can move or sit up but when all of a sudden they can be content just looking around and smiling at faces and playing with their feet and hands. Lovely. (I might not feel quite so happy at 3am when he wakes up mind!)

seashore · 05/04/2010 20:03

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LittleMarshmallow · 05/04/2010 20:16

Very true only people have had depressed can fully understand.
I know I have to get better but baby steps to reclaiming my life . It feels at times like someone has taken my legs away its not nice but I will get better or at least I keep telling myself that.

Original poster
MathsMadMummy · 05/04/2010 20:58

right finally logged on as DH is taking his DDs back to their house. as soon as they left (1hr ago) I just got that crushing "oh help I can't cope!!!" feeling. DD threw a major strop and was put to bed in her clothes instead of jammies DS is overtired and I just ate lots of chocolate now BFing hoping he'll get enough down him as it's day 3 of sleep training. first evening on my own

been a stressful day, I love my DSDs so much but having them both at once is hard as they wind each other up. our house is way too tiny. normally we have them separately to give them better quality time.

anyway now I've vented I'll catch up with the thread.

OP posts:
ToccataAndFudge · 05/04/2010 21:04

gawd I think I'm a bad omen on people coming to help with me with my house.

First of all BitterandTwister came over to help me, and had to leave suddenly as her FIL had passed away.

And the other MNer who came over to help me 2 days before her has just had news that her dad's cancer is back.

zonedout · 05/04/2010 21:11

sorry to crash... may i?

i had crushing pnd with ds1 (4.1) and despite his prematurity and numerous health problems seemed to escape it after ds2. however now, 17 months after his birth, i feel like i am sinking really badly

Original poster
MathsMadMummy · 05/04/2010 21:20

oh zonedout I'm sorry to hear that. and of course you're welcome!

I too thought I'd escaped PND this time but I've just gradually got worse. Feels like I've failed again. I know that's silly though... I think I'm just one of those people who's destined to have these periods of depression. Hmmmph.

BTW, I'm in Crawley, so not quite London (was in Bromley until 2yrs ago) but it's travel-able for me.

OP posts:
zonedout · 05/04/2010 21:31

thank you mathsmadmummy. i can so relate to those feelings of failure, as much as i know (in my rational head) that it isn't about failing. how old are your dc's? when did your (pn)d start for you?

i used to have a friend in bromley (but she just has 1 ds so not you ... but don't believe all that mn tells you... for some reason i never seem to get any older on my profile (although the ds's do)... i am actually not far off 36 (and look about 136)

crawley, hmmm, can't think how far away that is from me... am in nw london. but have been isolating myself a lot lately so a friend would be nice

LittleMarshmallow · 05/04/2010 21:31

Oh no TF I don't think you are, it is just a very sad coincidence. I am back home now ds is in my bed and have dealt with my parents. Will have to clean house tonight to remove any evidence of ad's or notes from the cpn as my mother would go mad if she knew I was depressed.

Both of them are coming down tomorrow to get ds while they think I am at uni but I'm not going so I need to keep out of sight till around 7pm when my lodger is back that way I can deal with them better or rather they behave as there is a witness to their behavior.

ToccataAndFudge · 05/04/2010 21:38

oh I know it's bad co-incidence and all that - just the 2 lovely people one of who didn't know me at all from on here, and one of them new me vaguely from the OU both came and helped and both had bad news

Original poster
MathsMadMummy · 05/04/2010 21:54

oh TAF that's a shame, we're planning to do the museum thing but can't do it for another month or so. don't think I could travel that far without DH yet, makes me so nervous

ugggh lame isn't it. feel trapped in the house a lot of the time. and it's not like DD's a nightmare either, she's usually pretty good. I s'pose depression shows in different ways - after DD I was totally isolated and shy, but this time I've got loads of RL mum friends but this time find the day-to-day stuff hard.

zonedout, DD is 2.9 and I got mild PND when she was a few months old, mostly due to winter. Same again after DS who is 7m. I don't really know if it's severe this time, I just feel flat, hardly ever cry now.

on the upside, I just laughed as I got breastmilk on the laptop. [eblush}

OP posts:
zonedout · 05/04/2010 22:09

mathsmad, that's just about the opposite of me... somehow, although i felt absolutely awful, i managed to make a fair few mummy friends after ds1 but just couldn't get my life together in anyway. this time, i just about manage to get the essentials done for the boys but just can't face people (except for a couple of friends who 'get' depression issues although i fear i will drive them away ), i can't face putting on a brave face, struggle not to burst into tears etc.

toccataandfudge, whereabouts are you based? i know i am totally new to this thread so probably not what you have in mind for your day out but thought i would ask on the off chance you are close by.

ToccataAndFudge · 05/04/2010 22:14

zonedout - we're all new to this thread - it's the first one we've ever had.

I'm in Wellingborough (northants), so London line takes me to St. Pancras......but I can travel any direction really - have my family railcard and already budgetted money for getting to London.

zonedout · 05/04/2010 22:21

i am not far from st pancras, not far at all... kentish town actually...

ds2 stirring and probably up for the first of his numerous nightly wake ups so i may have to disappear but will check back in the am...

claireinthecommunity · 06/04/2010 00:58

Hello everyone, hope you don't mind me posting here. I don't have any children yet but have been TTC for almost a year, I've been posting mainly on the TTC board for the past year and lurking on MN generally for a couple of years. I'm on a lovely supportive TTC thread and they do know that I can get a bit down at times, but I don't want to go into too much detail on that thread.

I have a long history of depression going back to my teens, I'm 34 now. Have tried various ADs over the years without success, been through psychotherapy and had a number of hospital stays. Life was pretty bleak for a long time. I'm currently taking Citalopram (have been for a year and a half) and have found it really suits me and has helped with the 'spiraling down' that I can get. Life is generally looking a lot brighter.

It's not just down to the drugs though, I met my DH nine years ago and he has been the support I'd never had, he has taken the time to understand me and we have built a life together - something I never dreamed I would have, a 'life' was something other people have/had.

Even though things have really picked up for me I still struggle with life every day, and find myself evaluating my 'achievements' at the end of each day. So when I stumbled across this thread after a couple of days lurking I thought I would join in.

I completely agree about non sufferers not being able to understand or 'get' depression, this is something that my DH has done, with living with me he has learned to understand me and I love him the more for it

Sorry this has turned into a very long first post here.

BeckyBendyLegs · 06/04/2010 07:00

I live miles away from London (Shropsire)! Otherewise I'd love to meet up