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Fighting Our Way Back Up - the depression list thread!

840 replies

MathsMadMummy · 30/03/2010 18:08

Thanks to ToccataAndFudge for the name

Right, so this is where those of us with depression can write our lists of daily achievements!

...hopefully tomorrow's list will be better than today's...

OP posts:
Buttons2708 · 21/04/2010 10:10

Hi everyone!

Seashore your very welcome, I've decided to put some of it into practise again as I am spiralling so much at mo.

rhksmum : I am the queen at saying things I don't mean, I know what I'm doing but can't seem to stop myself, then afterwards the guilt takes over. I also say sorry and try to explain that 'I'm having a bad day' and I don't mean it. I don't know if it helps but at least I know I've said I'm wrong and I think that goes a long way. How old is your daughter?

Mornings are my worst time too (can't remember who said it sorry) I get so anxious about getting out on time and everything being done I hate it.

On a positive I won 2 things on Ebay last night a Joules dress and a Monsoon skirt!!! The sun is out, and so far ds is not crying. I need to put washing on line but if I leave ds to pop washing out I'm sure he'll scream and there goes my quiet. Another positive is that my friend is coming to buy some baby clothes so hopefully I'll make some money.

I'm really struggling to cope with my SN dd. She's gone back to school but she's horrible when I pick her up. It's awful and she's so aggressive so I tend to let her do what she wants but then she thinks she's in control and tells everyone what to do, my dp then disciplines her she screams and then I can't cope. It's horrible I hate it.

LittleMarshmallow · 21/04/2010 10:14

My good things for today.

I got up and made a cup of tea. I made ds's breakfast and gave him a cuddle.

I helped ds to get dressed and took him to the childminder. The best bit was watching him play with the childminder's dog

However I feel awful but that might be down to the amount of alcohol I drank last night. I need to rework my CV so need to find the motivation to write good things about me.

Buttons2708 · 21/04/2010 10:19

lmm sounds like a pretty good start to the day, keep going I'm positive there's loads of great things about you

toccatanfudge · 21/04/2010 10:25

well I made it to the Drs for my appointment this morning, got some more AD's, seeing him again in a month. He reckons this depression has been there a long time (given my history of being on and off AD's) and is going to take some time to sort. He seems really good and understanding about that, but I can't seem to explain to him the feelings of panic, and the replaying of events from September.

LittleMarshmallow · 21/04/2010 10:28

Tf that is good that you went to the doctors. I find it hard to explain about replaying events too, could you write it out and give it to your doctor next time to read ?

BeckyBendyLegs · 21/04/2010 12:30

Buttons I find mornings hard too. I wake up feeling sick. I think it is the knowledge that in a few mins your peace will be broken by chaos and getting everyone up, fed, dressed, to school, etc. I find tea-time even worse as it is just busy, busy, busy until the DSs are in bed and then I have about 1.5 hours before I go to bed. It just feels so relentless at times.

Positive thing: just read DS3 The Very Hungry Catterpillar before his mid-day nap and he loves that book so much he wiggles his little arms around and makes really cute 'oooh ooh' noises at it. He's five months so just about the age when he enjoys books.

allegrageller · 21/04/2010 12:31

BBl, my positives....

crawled out of bed at 6.45 having had BOTH boys in bed with me (ds1 all night! ds2 from 4.45 grrrr)

got ds1 to school and dealt relatively calmly with ds2 having a lie-down-in-street tantrum because his scooter was locked in the car and I had set off car alarm and couldn't get in because spare key doesn't work....

then dealt slightly less calmly with him falling flat on face on way there and screaming for rest of way (being carried) and most of way back...sigh..

I find my kids' crying really difficult, seems to set my frayed nerves on edge and I have to struggle to stay calm and not get angry with them. Even though it's clearly not their fault.
Have now read about one paragraph of book on responsible citizenship zzzzz....

not sure quite how positive that is BBL but it's all I've got atm

allegrageller · 21/04/2010 12:33

oh and I second the feeling shite in the morning feeling. However much I sleep it's not enough, and it's like wake up, feel shite and rush rush rush while having demands thrown at you left right and centre. Then when I don't have the boys it's like waking up to an empty shell, brrrrr

I need a morning ritual (apart from coffee and fags to get me through those mornings.

BeckyBendyLegs · 21/04/2010 12:39

Allegrageller I know how you feel. I hate it also when mine cry. DS1 bumped his knee on the way from school yesterday then DS2 cried because he wanted to hold the pushchair and I hate it when he does because he keeps tripping over the front wheel. It just hits a nerve, doesn't it?

allegrageller · 21/04/2010 12:41

absolutely bbl!! ds2 just falls over all the time poor thing- and ALWAYS at a point where I need to get somewhere, or am struggling with the pushchair...

ds1 was a big crier as a baby and I didn't deal with it at all well, really felt it meant I was a bad mother and got terribly down about it. Seems so silly now, but at the time when you have that noise to contend with all day and nothing seems to work....!

toccatanfudge · 21/04/2010 12:45

positive - I've had a shower and DS3 and I have both had lunch

LittleMarshmallow · 21/04/2010 12:50

When ds was smaller he used to scream nearly every minute when he was awake, I didn't realise at the time he was sick. It went on for months and months and there were times where I thought please take him away I can't cope any more. Even now when he screams I find it hard to cope, worse if we are out somewhere.

Buttons2708 · 21/04/2010 13:46

BBL the very hungry caterpillar is my favourite book, ds has all the toys as well as book, am going to get it and read to him straight away .

ALLEGRAGELLER LLM and BBL ds never stops crying so glad I'm not alone with this, I really can't cope with it and end up crying myself (not productive I know). I know ds isn't ill just so clingy, after 3 dd that I could leave go to the loo cook a meal with no hassle a big shock but I suppose this linked with pnd and special needs child and everything else, it just makes me feel so much worse.

On a positive I have booked a hair appointment for me and dd1 for Saturday so we'll get an hour out alone, she's 10 so it'll be nice, dd2 will be on a trip with Brownies so wont feel guilty she's not with us, so should be nice. Planning on going out for a picnic Saturday afternoon too.

BeckyBendyLegs · 21/04/2010 14:13

My DS1 was a nightmare baby cried all the time, hardly slept in the daytime. I spent my days entertaining him until he was about 18 months and it was exhausting. Now he's a lovely six year old boy and is even on the gifted and talented register. He's learnt and developed so much. He's still a sensative little soul and does get upset over the most trivial things (last night it was because I put DS2's toothpaste on his toothbrush by mistake). DS2 on the other hand was and still is Mr Chilled Out Pants. DS3 is somewhere inbetween but he has eczema quite badly so that makes him very upset at times and I have found myself in tears while carrying him around everywhere trying to make tea for the others, etc. It is draining. It is bloody hard work. It is emotionally exhausting when it feels like you put all your efforts in and you get none back but it doesn't last forever, things change, they change and you do eventually get rewards back such as the smiles when they are read to, the cuddles, the funny things they come out with (eg DS2 tells me he wears box of shorts instead of boxer shorts). DS3 is much more content than he was even a month ago. He's getting better. Buttons how old is your DS?

Buttons2708 · 21/04/2010 17:06

Ds is 8 months next week.

allegrageller · 21/04/2010 20:53

yeah BBL my lovely ds1 now 6 is also 'g and t' so I'm told (I know the labels don't necessarily mean much at their age but it's nice to hear) and was an utter nightmare to bring up until about 2 and a half!

I would swear my pnd never actually improved over that period because he was just such hard work. Still is very, very sensitive, that toothpaste incident rings some bells!

I swear if I had had ds2 first, I would have had another baby within the year. He was no trouble at all and is still so much calmer than ds1, although toddler stuff is kicking in (late- he's 3...)

Buttons, you have so much on with dd's special needs etc, I couldnt' cope with a crying baby when that was my only problem. I think crying can cause depression in itself so how much worse when we already suffer with it hug LM dear where's that document you were going to send me? xx

allegrageller · 21/04/2010 20:54

Buttons I think that shoudl have been ((hug)) damn my speed-typing!

LittleMarshmallow · 21/04/2010 21:11

Alle - I sent it about an hour ago. Can you check again?

Buttons2708 · 21/04/2010 21:30

Thanks for the 'hugs' I'm squidging back. How's everyones evening?

I've just finished working and about to have dinner, dp just went to shops and bought it as well as some other bits I forgot to get earlier , bless him he's been so understanding this week and trying to help as much as possible.

With re to crying, what happens when it gets to much and I fall apart? I hate this feeling, it's isolating

allegrageller · 21/04/2010 22:25

LM it's not arrived, did you send to right email add: servalan 73 at googlemail dot com (no spaces)

Buttons do you mean when ds is crying and you just crack up a bit- I used to sometimes just leave ds1 in his bouncy chair when he was really at it. Often he'd fall asleep but not always...Id go and lie down for 10 minutes or so when I felt like crying myself or throwing things...having reassured myself there wasn't anything more I could do. Sometimes you just need a break. Ds1 is a total charmer now, it did him no harm to be left occasionally.

willsurvivethis · 21/04/2010 22:48

Hi all

Big hugs to those of you struggling especially with crying babies. DS had colic, i fee lyour pain. Although I coped ok with that because colic was 'safe' unlike his seizures and brain damage (seizures gone btw).

I'm finishing my job next week Friday, so going in four more days. Starting to feel relief after being totally depressed and feeling a failure yesterday.

allegrageller · 21/04/2010 22:51

evening willsurvive! just going to bed now but wanted to say hi. Hope the break turns out to be just what you need.

You have been through such a lot with ds- can imagine colic was least of your worries...

xx

seashore · 21/04/2010 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Buttons2708 · 22/04/2010 06:22

Hi everyone crying ds does not have colic, illness or anything wrong with him, if he did I think it would be difficult but that I'd have a reason he just cries because I've moved, not holding him, I'm breathing in the wrong direction.....It's the crying that makes me feel I can't cope as I know there's nothing wrong I tend to think it's something I'm dooing.

LittleMarshmallow · 22/04/2010 07:12

Morning Buttons.

Alle - I sent that email to the wrong address am sending it over now. Sorry.

I have had some sleep although ds was up around 5ish so he is eating breakfast while I lie on the sofa.