so low i could die

[tazzycat25]

hi all, new here. i had my second son on the 20th june now im diagnosed with pnd for the second time. my oldest son is now 2 his birthday was on the 12th june so not much of a gap there. im crying when my oldest son screams, he has tantrums big time, im getting scared of him, he was my one and only now i feel like ive stuffed up, letting him down he wont get all the attention he once had. ive not been out since i registered my new born, getting scared to go out really. im under a mental health team now but they was no good last time round. im loseing a battle now. im a self harmer and also suffered with anorexia. the birth was very quick got to the hospital at 9 pm by 10 20 pm he was born then i had to go to thearter to have my placenta re moved as it diidnt come out. lost a lod of blood my hb was only 7 now around 9. im feeling really bad, ive left my hubby to stay with my parents for a while but its so hectic here im loseing it. most of the time i feel i should just die and leave everyone cus its best all round if i did.

Tazzy, of your reading you can get over this. You can! Your babies love you and you love them. There are people here who have felt the same as you. They can help you and they will understand you. Come on hon..

Tazzy, are you around today?

sorry u guys, i feel like i should of never come on here and posted. all ive done is worry the lot of u, im so sorry

Tazzy....it helps to talk and we are good at listening. Dont feel alone. There are plenty of other Mums here who have felt the way you do.

I hope you are getting the help that you need.

Stay strong and you will get through this.

Don't be sorry.

Have you found yourself some help now? It may take a while before you start to feel better, but you will eventually.

please don't worry about talking on here, we all gush and get help about much stuff. Your problems are as important as everyone elses. Just open your trap and chat, we love helping people here and you can cna have a beer if you are near the bar, you are so, what are you having? Just chat!!!!

Hey Tazzy!

Start at the beginning..

start from where?? from when i was 3 years old? when the shit started or from now with pnd? mmmmm

i was 3 so my mum said, when brothers was findingout about why my body was different to them. well i guess u know where this story is hedding? well ur right in thinking oh abuse. erm yeah thats when it all started. but i can only remeber from the age of about 7. my brothers are older then me and i grew up thinking they had to do it cus of them being my brothers, stupid cow i was. i let them do it until i was 15 yrs old when they went off with girls and i grew fat, so hence the anorexia? if u have been reading my posts from the start. had to lose weight so they would want me again u get me? but they never did and my anorexia became out of control as i got to around 5 half stone 11 yrs ago now.
so being fat and preggo then having the baby dont really mix with ana. so now im having real bad probs with wot i look like, wanting so much to be 8 stone again before i got preggo and then hubby wont be turned off like i know he is, so he finds his hands and buys pics online and watches cams etc, so i feel totally shit about it so we keep fighting about it and so i want him to go out and find a new women how isnt mental and a new mum for the kids while i go top myself cus i dont feel wanted by anyone, far too fat and ugly, still bleeding and i shouldnt be not after 8 weeks after having steven. so thats pissing me off and the damn docs cant even fit me in for my 6-9 wk check yet load of good that.

then had my first son jamie normally on the due date 2 years ago, took only 4 hours this time it was an hour and half and then my placenta didnt come away normally so i was rushed to theatre to have it removed, lost a litre of blood, felt like hell couldnt even walk next day too damn weak too, my hb level went down to 7. i was so ill and waek i couldnt even hold my son till the next morning. so there i found i wont bond with him, couldnt even feed him cus i was waek, they said it was best not too. so not a good birth. had pnd with both kids this time worse round. i just feel i shouldof died on the table that day cus i bled so much, but no im still here for no reason at all. everyone will be better without this fucked up women whos a shit mother, shit lover and cant even have kids right. cant to anything, so useless, worthless hopeless, nothing will ever change after seeing one person after another since i tried to top myself at 15. its still about haunting me day in day out, but i guess being mental and depressed with other stuff its gonna come back big time time and time again. so its best i go then everyone can get on without me, dragging them all down with me, its time to go.

Tazzy, that's an awful lot to try to deal with. And when you put it all together like that I'm not surprised it seems impossible.

Are you still at your parents? Do they understand how you're feeling and support you and help you with the kids? Are you on ad's too?

Dear Tazzy

Are you still here? You sounded so desperate in your last post. Please try to hang on and let the mental health team help you. You are not a bad person, mother, lover - you have very good physical and emotional reasons for feeling as bad as you do. If you feel suicidal call the Samaritans or local crisis team if there is one. You do not have to suffer this alone- there are people there who can and will help you. And here on MN too, even if it's just listening.

xxxxx

Has anyone heard from Tazzy? We are all still here.

Hi

Have been in touch wih her via email for the past few weeks.....

Really wish I could do more to help but don't live locally.

I'm sure that everyones supportive comments are appeciated......

hi all sorry not ben on, had more things on my mind. been bleeding for like over 30 days now and finally saw me doc for my post natal. now i need to go have a scan tomorrow to see if the placenta has been left well bits of it anyway. scared as hell as i think theres more to come to cope with may need an op if they find big parts. not really bleeding loads very light and not much on the nappies i use and only when i wipe. i might have to stop the pill this time round to shed better to get it out as i had no clue wot this blood was cus i did stop bleeding for a while so ahh a period but im so wrong. anyway thanks guys, ill come back and let u know wots been happening.

Hope you are ok Tazzycat

Your a battler Tazzycat. Like us all. I hope your ok. my thoughts are with you x

well, there is placenta left behind, been in and out of hospital... cant have it removed cus its only 1.5 cm they said it be beter for me to wait and see if it goes by itself by mybody absorbing it etc... but its scraeing me to death cus i know u can get ill cus of it and u never know wot can happen. but still no news about it, no cunsultant or anyone finding out about it etc... keep going back to docs. i finally stoped bleeding for 2 weeks then bingo i had a period but then again i was scared as it didnt look normal, so heavy etc. but its stopped now and i feel fine.... in that way anyway... still so bad head wise and knowing my insides r shit aint making it any better for me.... keep u posted

Hi Tazzy,

I've not posted before as I've only just noticed your post. I just wanted to say hello and see how you were feeling.

I dont think you really want to die deep down, I think you're looking for a way out of your depression. I understand how you feel in the abuse way as I went through a rape and for years afterwards I wanted to die, I hated the fact that my body gave in to this guy. I went to the point of actually cutting my arm and being rushed to hospital, taking pills and going to hospital.

I really think that you need to find a way out of your pit. Someone obviously wanted you cos you found your husband and if things are that bad with him, then go find someone who will listen to you. I'm not a believer of seeing samaritans etc, I hated going to a counsellor as they dont help they just ask you questions over and over again. I hated it.

Perhaps you can go find a club to join? I went back to college a few years ago to learn signlanguage as I started to feel abit down. Although I made no friends there the idea that by me learning something new meant that I would go meet friends was enough for me. Although I didnt finish the course it helped me to help other people when they were stressed. I now volunteer at our local health centre and sign for those that cant understand. I explain my situation and that helps. Maybe doing something the same will help you.

I dont know what else to say to you except that if you ever feel like you want to die, look at your kids. I've had a mc since the rape etc and I long for kids, look at yours they're part of you and if they're something your proud of, then cant you in some way be proud of yourself. Just a little?

Tazz, how are you?