I think I am about to loose my mind

[LittleMarshmallow]

I just can't keep going, there is no one to help I have been brave and asked for help till I can't face the humiliation anymore. It feels like no one cares, I need to finish stuff for work, but I can't think straight, I keep reliving everything in my head, I need to get ds in 20 mins and change his nursery over and I just can't the thought of having to pretend more that I am ok when I am falling apart scares me.

The things in my head right now scare me, I wouldn't help ds or anything but I am exhausted from pretence and lack of sleep, I need to run away from it all it just feels like no one cares.

I have no friends where I stay, no one which upsets me and I should be able to cope and the fact I can't hurts so bad.

LittleMarshmallow, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. We used to chat on our buddy bench, but I've name changed a couple of times, but I know life has not been good for you lately.

I haven't got any advice really, but just to say keep posting if it helps, there's always someone who'll listen and will be of more help than me.

Hey HesterPrynne, thank you for replying I am so worried I am about to loose the plot completely I just cant do this much more, and the more I try and ask for some help the less I get it. I am so tired of being told no one can support because I dont have a small child as he is 3.5 so in one instance he is too old for the health visitor to help yet too young for anyone to get counselling for him.

I could beat xh for this right now, I am so angry he did this to me, and the guilt is horrific and I cant let it go, I have failed ds so much that I honestly dont think I should be his mum anymore, I dont know how to make it better for him and I wish i did.

I know the feeling of thinking your child needs a better mummy than you, have the t-shirt although glad it doesn't fit anymore .

You are the only mummy your ds will ever has or ever need. Honest. On your other thread I read with a lot of respect how you are doing everything for him you can. Just keep thinking about the things you are doing for him to keep him the best that you can. One breath, one step, one day at a time.

I doubt your ds needs counselling - he needs to have love and consistency from you, which he gets in spades - this will help him cope and learn.

Hang in there, you are doing so well x

Littlemarsmellow- i am crying reading your post because i feel the same. I am getting help but i have had to go private to get it, i will be seeing someone next tuesday but at the moment tuesday seems too far away. I feel i am letting the dd's down because i can't pull myself together. I don't know your back ground but most my problems stem from Anxiety and a phobia which has taken over my life.

Sending you lots of hug's and i hope you find the help you need.

You haven't failed DS, but to go down the track of thinking he'd be better elsewhere may well get you to that point.

He's lost his daddy, the very last thing he need now is to lose you too.

You can cope, because you have to because he needs you to. As someone wise keeps telling me, baby steps is what you need. Keep going from one hour to the next, focus on what he needs until he's asleep. Then plan in small doses how you can make life better for you. Could you move back to where you had friends, what about family?

I cant move back because to be honest I dont really have any friends anymore. Moving to be near my parents would be worse than being on my own. I am trying but I never thought it could be this hard. I am trying but I don't have strength left.

Ds deserves someone who is happy not constantly shouting at them because they cant do anything else, i try but it is just too much.

The CPN nurse who was meant to assess me has decided instead to discharge me because I cant make any appointments in the middle of wednesday afternoon, i know cant get time off work, i just cant i tried for the tribunial stuff and was told to forfeit uni that week, i have to go to uni otherwise i will fail and loose nearly 4k in fees etc.

i am done, i dont know where to begin trying to help myself. i just dont.

Hi LM
Health Visitors remit is up to a child is school age so your 3.5 DS would definitely still come under a health visitor.

Also CPN's should be able to visit you at home at a time convenient to you. That's the "community" part of their name. My CPN comes to my house because DD has a nap and I can't always get out to the clinic.

There's no way they should have discharged you before they've even assessed you that's madness.

They told me that unless I got to their office between 1 - 3 they wouldnt assess me so tough luck really.

It was the old GP that told me I shouldn't bother the health vistior, then when i called on tuesday the one i spoke to told me that ds was too old.

I can't believe they are so inflexible. What is someone was schizophrenic and out of their mind in psychosis? Hardly likely to be able to make an appointment between 1 and 3 on a wednesday afternoon. The whole thing with mental health is that their patients are in a difficult place and cannot always be organised / get to appointments etc. There are teams called "assertive outreach teams" who seek out the patients for that very reason.

I'm so sorry you are going through this it seems you have had a run of very bad luck with all the NHS services you have encountered.

LittleMarshmallow, please believe me when I say that you are doing a FANTASTIC job as a mother. Being a good mum is about doing your best in really hard situations and that's exactly what you are doing. You sound very alone and without support - please please consider calling the Samaritans - they are a friendly, caring ear who will listen to you, whatever your needs, there is no 'level' of distress you need to get to to be allowed to call - if you need them, they are there. They are just people like you and me, so not health professionals, but sometimes just to be able to say exactly what you are thinking and are afraid to say elsewhere can be very helpful. It sounds like you are in this situation. Their number is 08457 909090.

I have been good tonight, I have come home, I made ds pancakes for pudding and i have the dishes and even managed to get the dirty clothes in the washing machine, but even this is hard. I managed to eat something too.

I am just going to try and do a few things each day but right now I am trying to make it till the end of friday when I have the weekend off work. This in itself will be a challenge but at least then I will have two days to try and work out how to sort some of the mess around me, I need to sort uni out but my year tutor is off on maternity leave now so I dont know who I need to ask to find out what is happening. I have managed to email SAAS to sort the finance stuff they wanted out.

That's brilliant. I sometimes don't manage to do the things you've just said, and I don't work, don't study and don't have any issues to deal with. Having a plan is great, it's the right thing to do. Take it one tiny thing at a time. Believe me, you are judging yourself very harshly because you are under a lot of pressure and everyting seems very black. But everything you manage is a brilliant achievement, evne just feeding DS, and trying to eat and sleep yourself. WELL DONE.

thank you for being so kind i really dont think i deserve anyones kindness.

I do have hours where i manage to do a few things then i fall back into this black hole, or i fail at some simple that i should be able to do at work and then start hating myself more.

Of course you deserve kindness, not only from others, but probably more importantly, from yourself.

You've done good tonight. Your DS has a full tummy and there'll be clean clothes and he's with his mum.

Now what about you? Stop dismissing the hours that you do well just as the gaps between when you don't do so well. Try and think of them the other way round: the black holes are just hiccups in you coping.

A job, studying and a DS is enough for most people to cope with, without everything else. You're doing great.

Amen Hester could not have said it any better

we all deserve kindness

Thank you both, you have made me cry as I have forgotten what its like for people to care about me not ds just me.

I just need to make it through tonight and then work tomorrow. It is so hard pretending to everyone I am fine.

How are you feeling/doing today, littlemarshmallow?

I am not coping that great, I have a deadline at work which I have no choice in meeting, but cant get the stuff to work (IT) to get it done in time, I feel so stupid at the moment.

I managed about 3 hrs sleep last night thanks to sleeping tablets. I just wish I could be better.

Have you told anyone at work that the IT isn't cooperating. It's far better to forewarn there may be a problem, rather just be late. If it's the software, or whatever, it's not your fault.

What are you working on, maybe someone on the Geeks section here could help you sort it.

I told my boss last night I didnt think I would make the deadline but he said that I had no choice it has to be done, otherwise I will be in serious trouble.

well i never made the deadline even after asking one of the other guys for help so my boss has given me till monday lunchtime which is something i suppose.

i just need to make it through it through tonight hour by hour

Hi,I dont know your situation but it sounds like you need some friendly words.
At least your boss has giveen you a bit of breathing space,did you manage to sort the IT problems out?
You are being very hard on yourself,you sound like a great mother and that,s all ds needs.
Does your year tutor at uni not have a stand in you could get some advice from,I,m not very clued up on uni yet,all that to come hopefully.

my uni tutor is meant to have a stand in but i dont know who it is. the IT problem is the one I need to fix as i work in IT.

I just need help but from who i dont know. i have hours where i feel okish then something will set me off and i end up hating myself, and turn all my anger towards myself. i do self harm which in itself is bad but add in everything else and i do really think i am mad.

LittleMarshmallow, how are you today? I am not on the computer for much longer but am thinking of you and hoping you have had a bit of rest. x