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Original poster

I think I am about to loose my mind

120 replies

LittleMarshmallow · 18/02/2010 12:20

I just can't keep going, there is no one to help I have been brave and asked for help till I can't face the humiliation anymore. It feels like no one cares, I need to finish stuff for work, but I can't think straight, I keep reliving everything in my head, I need to get ds in 20 mins and change his nursery over and I just can't the thought of having to pretend more that I am ok when I am falling apart scares me.

The things in my head right now scare me, I wouldn't help ds or anything but I am exhausted from pretence and lack of sleep, I need to run away from it all it just feels like no one cares.

I have no friends where I stay, no one which upsets me and I should be able to cope and the fact I can't hurts so bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 21/02/2010 09:41

Yesterday was ok, although everytime I am alone I relive the past events in my head, it has got to the point where I just want them to leave me alone .
Ds was away for a couple of hours, but was just as bad as he forgot his dad was dead again then was sobbing all the way back wanting to see him, I hate seeing him like that it upsets me more for him as I cant take away his pain.

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HesterPrynne · 21/02/2010 12:49

Afternoon Littlemarshmallow. So sorry to hear about DS, but again the best thing you can do is just be there.

It's great that yesterday was ok, soon more days will be ok and then you'll have one or two good ones too. Hold on in there.

And remember life's not treating you very well now, so you have to be kind to yourself. You do deserve it

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 21/02/2010 14:27

Lol hester I do know what you mean, I am trying its just when i feel ok, all I do is worry about the next time I wont and then when I feel rubbish it is so sudden and the depth of it really scares me, it is like i cant breathe all of a sudden and that I will never be ok.

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omaoma · 21/02/2010 16:50

I have felt the way you are describing... the noise in my head of all the bad things I couldn't escape from shouting at me was so loud I couldn't think of any other way of escaping from it than to die... it was terrifying, and i was equally terrified by realising I did want to die in that moment.

try to hang on to the fact that it does pass, it's a wave and it will wash over you. like labour, eh?

something i find really useful is to repeat to myself the good things in my life each day, from the big - that i have a DD, that she is healthy - to the small - that i walked outside today and the park looked pretty. i say them out loud! it helps.

at some point you will be able to identify more and more good things. it's important to balance the crap things that are happening to you, that you are not responsible for with some good things.. x

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 21/02/2010 19:31

Part of the problem I have is that I can relive the entire week h was in hospital, can remember every little detail, stupid things like smells, how he looked, every little thing.

I was driving home last night and part of the road was closed due to a car crash and it brought it all back, everytime I drive to uni I pass the place on the road where he had the accident which is marked by flowers ds laid the night we withdrew treatment. It seems so silly, but I can cope ish at the weekend where I know I dont have to put a face on and pretend I am fine and think, but going to work is terrifying I hate mondays and dread going to work, if I had any option I would leave or take time off but I can't I soo wish I could. I haven't managed to get dressed today but have managed not to yell too much at ds and give him much needed cuddles that to me at the moment is a good day.

OP posts:
HesterPrynne · 22/02/2010 13:46

How are you today Marshmallow? Did you make your work deadline?

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 22/02/2010 13:54

Nope am still working on it. It was 3 months this morning stupid I know, but it brings it all back again. Ds has been up most of the night as he is upset his daddy is dead, he forgot and was hysterical again.

His nursery asked how he was and I told them what happened at the weekend, even they seem to be slightly concerned and have told me to try and contact the health visitor again but she isnt back till the middle of the week.

I am thinking that I will be a bad mummy tonight and go home, make some popcorn and let him pick a dvd (fingers crossed it isnt the lion king) and just watch that and let him cuddle up and sleep in my bed for a bit, it does mean I get no sleep but I would rather he was settled than both of us up all night

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HesterPrynne · 22/02/2010 14:11

I don't want to distract you from your deadline, but...

Your plan for tonight doesn't sound to me like your being a bad mum - you're giving DS what he needs, love, reassurance and calm.

A night of indulgence will not harm anyone, and remember that goes for you too

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 22/02/2010 14:15

Yeah I have given up with bed routines just now as it is too much stress and normally ends up with me getting shouty so this way is slightly calmer

I have a million things that I need to do though, so I don't think there will be much chance for me to get a rest.

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Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 23/02/2010 15:22

I have called the hv she is bringing a cpn out with her this week to see me, I finally told her just about everything, about how i dont eat or not much, the sh, how i am reliving every detail of what happened last year. I honestly think this is my last chance to sort my head out. I hate how stupid i feel that i cant cope and be normal wish i could

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HesterPrynne · 23/02/2010 15:31

That's a big step forward Marshmallow. You have told your HV you need help, that's how most people cope. Not by themselves but with the support of others. And asking for help does not make you stupid, it makes you very wise!

Hopefully this will help sort your head out, but it doesn't have to be last chance, if doesn't. Please don't let yourself think of it as failing if it doesn't work straight away.

This is months of desperation that you're dealing with, but hopefully you're on the way to making it better

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 23/02/2010 15:41

Thanks Hester, I just don't think I can start this again, it was so hard trying to explain to her that at the moment no I am not coping I am sorry but I am not, I might go to work but I certainly don't function / think like a normal person. It was hard especially when she thought I was joking when I told her at the moment I drink nearly a bottle of wine a night in an attempt to sleep.

But I have told her about the self harm and how I am having flash backs, I had to re-explain a few things but I have done it, now all I need to do is cope till friday afternoon and not fall apart.

Part of me thinks I am being silly and that this is normal and that I am coping, I am just being stupid and attention seeking maybe I am

OP posts:
HesterPrynne · 23/02/2010 16:07

Now you need to stop over-analysing

You are coping on an hour to hour basis, but you can't live your life like that permanently, and so you have asked for help. You are neither stupid or attention seeking, you are doing the right thing for you and DS. So there.

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 23/02/2010 16:16

Ok If you say so seriously though I am very scared, the hv kept talking about hospital I nearly bolted out of work leaving the phone behind so i seriously hope to god she was joking. I could just imagine the fall out of that plus I am not that sick.

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HesterPrynne · 23/02/2010 16:32

Don't panic: If your HV is anything like the ones I've ever dealt with this is probably beyond her normal range of care.

The fact that she thought you had to be joking re the wine, would suggest that. 'Nearly a bottle of wine' is surely not that shocking, not great, but not given your circumstances it sounds at least understandable.

Which is why it's good that she is bringing a CPN, she/he really will have seen it before

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 23/02/2010 16:41

I hope so, I am just scared that something will happen to ds, I know I am not being rational but rational thoughts left my head sometime around last june and they havent been found yet

This is one time where I absolutely hate being on my own. No one to hold my hand, the last time I had to see someone about this stuff I was pregnant and h was there still I have no magic wand and if nothing else I get the day off work as holiday

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omaoma · 23/02/2010 18:00

Well done for having the courage to tell the hv how you are feeling, Marshmallow, it takes some balls to open up like that when you are scared. I second Hester that you are doing really well at being a supportive mummy for ds. Hope you get a lion king-free evening together... and some calm. x

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 23/02/2010 19:23

Thanks omaoma and Hester

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HesterPrynne · 23/02/2010 19:41

Glad to be of service ma'am.

And I no it's not the same, but we can do hand-holding too.

HesterPrynne · 23/02/2010 19:42

Glad to be of service ma'am.

And I know it's not the same, but we can do hand-holding too.

HesterPrynne · 23/02/2010 19:42

Oops sorry, thought I'd got rid of the first one

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 23/02/2010 19:45

Thank you so much the idea of virtual hand holding seems like a good idea. I just need to make it till Friday but I have to as ds needs me to be ok, he can't loose both his parents which is the only thing that keeps me going at times.

I am going to try and stop beating myself up for things, they are what they are and if i drink a bottle of wine to cope with things then tough luck.

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omaoma · 23/02/2010 20:46

You can only do the best you can in the circumstances you find yourself, lovely. x Virtual hand holding would be a pleasure - when is the hv due? Can keep an eye out for you.

Original poster
LittleMarshmallow · 23/02/2010 20:50

She and the CPN are coming on Friday big gulp am dreading this and how it is going to go but well if it means i can think again it has to be good.

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omaoma · 23/02/2010 20:55

You'll be fine. Deep breaths! Remember they are just people who are trying to do their job - they are not all-knowing, you need to be clear and as honest as you can. Would it help to write yourself some notes about the key things you need to tell them and ask them? Easy to get sidetracked or overwhelmed sometimes.