I think I am about to loose my mind

[LittleMarshmallow]

I just can't keep going, there is no one to help I have been brave and asked for help till I can't face the humiliation anymore. It feels like no one cares, I need to finish stuff for work, but I can't think straight, I keep reliving everything in my head, I need to get ds in 20 mins and change his nursery over and I just can't the thought of having to pretend more that I am ok when I am falling apart scares me.

The things in my head right now scare me, I wouldn't help ds or anything but I am exhausted from pretence and lack of sleep, I need to run away from it all it just feels like no one cares.

I have no friends where I stay, no one which upsets me and I should be able to cope and the fact I can't hurts so bad.

you are always very critical of yourself - you know this i think by now! what are the positive things that have come from this - you got through it, for a start, which is no small thing, eh?

how did using a list-prompt go?

the list went well because for once i managed to turn round and say i want this and this and this. although i struggled asking for help for me ds is fine but me i have this mental block

i am really critical of me because of lots of different things which happened years ago, yes it was good i got through the meeting esp since when the hv was at the door i was turning a shade of green.

the thing that upsets me more in a way was i was doing so well last year and then boom i messed it all up

i understand.

you are beside yourself and overwhelmed - your brain is whirling around and now bringing in stuff that happened years ago as grist to the mill. it's not going to help to go through all of that at this minute when you are exhausted. if you can, accept the you that is here now as what you are working with - not what you were a year ago or ten years ago. it's the you that is here now that needs support and love and it's unfair to judge yourself against the past.

what happens now Marshmallow - what are the next steps for your hv in responding to you?

i have to see the cpn nurse again march 16th i wont see the hv til around the end of march. she told me she needs to back off and allow me to deal with cpn so i need to stop relying on her as i know it isnt fair.

ds is away with my parents for the weekend. it is so hard going over all those memories but i think i will have a couple more drinks then try and get some sleep / take sleeping tablets to get some rest, i didnt sleep the last week or two.

apparently the cpn's have an update meeting tue afternoon so they are going to think about finding me some medication then, i will then get the letter in the post so it will take time

i'm glad that you have a chance for some rest this weekend. watch it with the booze and tabs won't you?

the wheels are in motion with the health professionals, that's something to be proud of.

hang in there Marshmallow, i know it's easier said than done. i wish you a restful night and hopefully some calm in the morning.

thank you and good night

Am so not coping well today

is anyone about?

Anyone feel like giving me a slap?

I had another horrific night, and today feels awful already, I am sat at work, with a pile of rubbish going through my head, I still haven't heard from the cpn or anyone tbh so I have no one to call for help or even to talk to calm me down.

I know the feeling much the same here re sitting in office and thoughts through my head. Have you made yourself a cup of something hot? Can you find a task to do that you can complete quickly so you feel you've done something?

So hard after a bad night I know - at least I'm sleeping again atm.

Be kind to yourself if you can xx

I have been drinking tea to try and function. Its just I had to go see about my arm last night (took me 4 days to do it) and i am still ashamed about all of that, added to it I feel rubbish, and everything the cpn asked me on Friday is running through my head I am sure I will be fine once I put some music on just getting there is hard today would quite gladly run away for a while.

I hope you feel better soon too

I made it through the day, all down to listening to music and distracting myself but i only have two days of work left this week then i can hide at home.
everything is still so raw and it hurts, and it is hard to work out how to help your self still dont have any actual support from my cpn so i need to cope by myself

You will find a way to cope I am sure

Thank you Bella, I am sure I will, just now it doesn't quite seem like that.

Evening Marshmallow. Sorry I've not been around, was worried by keep asking after you, I was not really helping.

Is your arm sorted now? You will get through this. Did the CPN say when to expect more contact?

Hi Hester, I am ok, my arm isnt really sorted tbh but I found a nice chemist guy who told me what to do so it is ok.

I don't know when I will see the cpn again as I can't go to the meeting she arranged as i need to take ds to the hospital and work will only let me off one afternoon a week.

I am sure i will be fine tho but thanks for asking