I think I am about to loose my mind

[LittleMarshmallow]

I just can't keep going, there is no one to help I have been brave and asked for help till I can't face the humiliation anymore. It feels like no one cares, I need to finish stuff for work, but I can't think straight, I keep reliving everything in my head, I need to get ds in 20 mins and change his nursery over and I just can't the thought of having to pretend more that I am ok when I am falling apart scares me.

The things in my head right now scare me, I wouldn't help ds or anything but I am exhausted from pretence and lack of sleep, I need to run away from it all it just feels like no one cares.

I have no friends where I stay, no one which upsets me and I should be able to cope and the fact I can't hurts so bad.

Yeah I was thinking about the key notes thing but I dont want to seem like i am attention seeking (you see that gp has a lot to answer for!) I think some of it goes back nearly six years, and i also think i had pnd after ds was born which would explain a few things about h and i's relationship / marriage, i do regret not asking for help sooner, but i just thought this is way i am meant to be.

although the guilt i have over so much i wish it would go away

Omaomo's advice to make notes beforehand is a good idea. It can really help you to stay focused rather than being swept away with the emotions that are bound to be unleashed. Just the relief of someone taking you seriously could be enough to overwhelm you.

If the wine's helping, for now, try to take it with lots of water to lessen its effects in the morning, you can really do without a hangover on top of everything else

Ty Hester,I dont get hangovers [smug emoticon] but yeah i am having a glass of wine with every cup of tea. lol

I even managed to eat dinner tonight which might be because my mum was down but still i ate something so its a step.

DO you ever worry that you might be so broken / screwed up in the head that you cant be fixed?

I'm very of your lack of hangovers, it must be an age thing. Being very old, I'm building up to one right now

I do actually feel like that sometimes, yes. To the point where I can't understand why nobody's bothered to section me. Fortunately they are very rare days though, more often I wonder how I manage to fool so many people that I am sane. It was quite hard today though, when the kids wondered why I was still in my dressing gown when they came home from school [shame]

The health visitor did joke she was going to lock me up in a hospital (strange sense of humour this one!)

I wouldnt worry about being in your pjs I live in mine at home, and i dont think my health visitor has seen me in normal clothes except for when i was with the doctor last time. Just tell them you were cold works for me.

I am amazed no one has sectioned me yet. but when i was pregnant with ds and asked about pnd as i was scared i would get it i was told to write a letter giving my h who was my dp at the time power to section me mental health where i live really sux

I'm lucky, my DD is too young to realise what a freak her mum is yet! She's got that to look forward to... only joking. Spent a few years thinking that I would never find the 'real' me who wasn't screwed up, and how did everybody else do it? Have realised there is just me, the same me all the time, but sometimes I'm under pressure and it plays merry hell with my ability to 'behave' normally. You ever consider that the way you feel now is entirely rational and normal considering the difficult things that you are trying to deal with? You're not screwed up at all, you're completely sane. x

sorry, cross-posted there. seriously, mental health support where you are sounds bloody rubbish mate

Yeah, I joked to a friend you wouldnt need to be suicidal where i live because no one cares. but my hv does its just it is so bloody complicated because in the past 6 years everytime i have asked for help something disastrous has happened and i finally found a gp last year i trusted only for me to move house to a place i know no one in and have no family near by but ho hum no one knew h was going to die esp me.

i think i have been like this since i was a child as i used to sh then although it was more hitting myself because i couldnt perform what was my mums standards as i was dyslexic. and now when i am confronted with something i cant / struggle to do i sh. now i am angry with myself as i had been really good, i knew my head was still screwed up but i had stopped myself from sh for over a year right up till last week. but i need a release and it allows me to last till friday sod it this is my new attitude lol

I got through today with a lot of time spent on mumsnet but ho humm i only have tomorrow to get through and then i dont go back to work till monday (thank god for that)

i am scared / anxious / worried about friday, i keep thinking everyone will think i am making this up for attention or that i deserve to be ok. it looks silly written down but that is how i feel

Can I have some hand holding today? I have had an awful night and barely any sleep, it is snowing where i live which is adding to me worrying although i managed to get to work.
I am terrrified of tomorrow, its got so bad that i have picked up the phone 3/4 times to cancel the appointment, i just want to go back to my bed and hide from the world, i dont think i can cope with this and talking about everything, if it was for ds it would be fine, but i dont deserve anything, it is my fault that h died and if i hadnt been so stubborn years ago and sought help then we would have still be together and he wouldnt have been on that road by himself for nearly 8 hours.
I deprived him of seeing his son so for long, and it was all legal tactics i so wish i could make the pain go away

Consider your hand held Marshmallow.

You have to get through today. If you cancel your appointment they're more likely to think you're just attention seeking and less ikely to offer you help again.

You cannot keep blaming yourself. You have to remember you were reacting to things he did and said, he was not an innocent victim in your relationship. He played his part too.

All accidents are just that, you cannot blame yourself although I know it's not that unusual to do so. You need help to deal with your grief which why you need to keep the appointment tomorrow

thank you, I am just freaked, that maybe if i do say how i feel i will shock them or upset them i cant cope with either anymore. i am struggling enough to cope with ds when he tells me he is sad and i wish i could make it better but well we cant. I should make him a memory box but my mum would go mad that i am allowing ds to remember his dad (i am the go between right now) it is bad enough i need ds to lie about where he got his new toys.

all the memories are eating away at me i lay in bed from 4-5am this morning re-living my grans funeral and how when i nearly collapsed crying and ran out of the crem crying no one came after me to see if i was ok. everyone else had someone to look after them just i was alone.

They are professionals who are trained and paid to deal with people in your position. You will not shock them and they have ways of dealing with any upset you may cause them. They are there to help you, don't start trying to protect them. Tell them everything.

Don't answer anything you're not comfortable with but why would your mum not want her GS to have a memory box of his dad?

Your memories will plague you, but use them to spur you to make a better for future, for you and DS

my mum didnt like h and is in some ways relived he isnt here, but he is still ds's dad and i made a promise to my mil that i would bury any bad feeling and start over ds deserves to know his dads family.

i know they are trained, its just this sounds so silly now writing it down, but everytime i have nearly managed to tell someone what has been happening, it goes wrong on one hand i am scared they will say there is something wrong and the other i am scared they will say nothing is wrong and i am freak.

i just want to be normal

You are normal. It would be abnormal not to react, to take it all in your stride.

Do what YOU think is best for DS. Fwiw, I think he should be allowed to know his daddy, it will serve no good at all to pretend he did not exist, especially as you seem more than able not to paint him too negatively.

Your mum is entitled to feel relief, but not to burden you any further.

Have you been able to write down all you want to say tomorrow, it could help. You won't forget anything; you can sort of rehearse what you will say, so that it doesn't shock you when you say something for the first time; and you could just hand over the piece of paper if things do go wrong.

I have got as far as thinking about what i want from my health visitor, so I need the following:
someone to find ds's hospital notes / gp notes as they have gone missing, i think some sort of play therapy would be good for him as both me and the mil agree how we handle his dad's death will need to be replicated in the next couple of years (ds has a lot of elderly relatives) and it would maybe help to know what to expect / not to expect from him.

me: well i dont know what to say tbh or where to begin, i have been thinking about that a lot, i know i have self harmed since i was a kid in one way or another, i stopped cutting when i was pregnant but that didnt stop me battering my head off a floor for about 30 mins one time.

i had a really hard time with ds right up till a year ago and i would do anything to avoid having to look after him including working 80-90 hour weeks.

i think i did have some sort of pnd after he was born but added to the fact he got seriously sick around 7 months and no one wanted to listen. which turned out to be food allergies / intolerances but living on your own with a 10 month old child who all they did was scream, drink water (17 cups a day was the record) and eat or sleep took me to the edge there were times where i wanted to call social services to tell them to take him away as i couldnt cope, especially right before i changed his diet where there was talk from his nursery that they were going to stop looking after him.

i wasnt coping in october before h died and my old gp knew that, he knew i found the constant spot light of the court and having to prove i was a fit parent for no reason upsetting.

i have a very limited support network, my parents stay nearly 2.5hrs away my il's 1 hr, i have no friends nearby and my closet friend lives 3 hrs away. if i have a meltdown there is no one to call to talk to.

i feel unable to accept help for me as i dotn feel i deserve it, at the moment i am not sleeping, i did try over the counter sleeping tablets but i felt horrific in the morning so i am now most nights drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine. my sleep is a mess, i let ds sleep in my bed otherwise he would wake me up in the middle of the night as he doesnt cope with nighttime either.

i stopped taking the anti depressants i was given in january because i couldnt get back to the doctor to get more and i didnt have enough money to get the prescription that week nearly did tip me over the edge.

Write down what you've got here in bullet points, in order of priority and keep it with you so that you can add anything else if you think of anything. Take it to bed with a pen - that's when I'm most likely to have my best revelations.

And make sure you have it to hand tomorrow.

I've got to go and do some work now, but I'll be back on later this evening.

You're doing good, you'll get there

Thank you Hester. I am trying to distract myself it isnt working btw but trying none the less.

Hi LM, sorry I just found these messages. Putting points in order of priority is a brilliant idea - there's just so much you're dealing with right now, it's overwhelming you, but there are key things that you need to get across. You are very coherent writing on here so be confident that you will be able to communicate tomorrow and your notes will help you if/when emotions come rushing in. Agree with Hester that you can always give them the notes if nec. Nothing you have said on here has particularly shocked me, just made me feel very sad for you, I think you have dwelt on these things so long they have become terrible monstrous feelings to you but really they are extremely human responses to difficult situations.

Evening Marshmallow, how are you doing tonight?

I still working had to bring my work home as it wasnt finished, realized at 4.50pm it wasnt working (uber crap), I spent most of the afternoon in a trance, i kept panicking about tomorrow, you know the way i am bleating on about this, you would think i was going to court on a murder charge (im not btw)

ds had a massive meltdown at bed time sodding his poor little heart out telling me he was so sad his daddy isnt here anymore, so we went to the window to blow kisses, it made him feel better

Ok, I tell lies, having just had a massive meltdown which came from my mum calling me to tell me about the car accident she witnessed on tuesday night (i mean why, why did i need to hear this? ) she also added to the end of story "well at least no one died this time" ARGHHH.

I might just loose the plot soon I know i need to keep it together but i need him back to say sorry. he needs to know that i didnt mean that, that if id known ds would have spent all his time with him because every minute is precious and he has so few.

I'm so sorry Marshmallow, but please hang in there. Only one more sleep and the beginning of the end may be in sight.

It is not your fault. You did not know. Hindsight is a wonderful stick to beat yourself with, but you can't keep doing it. Nobody runs their lives on the basis of what tragedy may be round the corner. You were dealing with what you were dealing with at THAT TIME. He was the one who forced you into the corners which made you react as you did.

Please don't take this all on yourself.

Hey Marshmallow, try to hang in there. I'm sorry to hear your mum was so insensitive, you didn't need to hear that. Try and stay in the moment and not let the waves push you under. x

I know hester but i need the pain guilt etc to go away, i dont think i can cope with them tomorrow i am trying but right now i want to put a duvet over my head and come out around june