|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

nina - i know this nust seem frustrating to all of you as i appear to be doing SFA to alter my situatin but believe me when I say I have no breathing space to make calls like at the moment. dh is always around or in bed and dd listens like a hawk everytine she hears hushed tomes. thsi mroning was horrendous. he has been waking me at ridiculous hours wanting sex then banging his fists and ranting when he doesn't get it. this morning was horrendous with him banging on teh bathroom door to talk to me while dd had her friend sleeping over, he was furious with me. he spent morning in bed phoning me from u/s to tell me how no one gives a shit and how no one cares about him. it is truly horrendous and as soon as he is back at work the phone calls will be made

oh god you have no space - when does he go back to work? Monday?

Oh snowkitten - please don't think I am getting at you or frustrated with you - I am just feeling for you and wanting so much to help in whatever way possible. I DO honestly understand why it is so difficult for you and the children and how worn out both physically and emotionally you must be.

Since reading this thread I've thought back to the tipping point for me over 40 years ago..............it was coming home with my 2 and 3 year old sons to see my H lying on the living room floor surrounded by empty beer bottles and one of my sons starting to play with the bottles. Shortly after this he threw his dinner at the fish tank - it was a Sunday night and my boys were in bed. I got them up, dressed them and left - I couldn't drive in those days but fortunately I had a friend who I could go to (had asked before if I could go if the worse came to the worse) who lived reasonably near. As I walked up the road my H tore after us and ripped my bag from me - I just left it on the floor and carried on. It was awful but I still remember the feeling of relief as I walked away from the house and the horror of my drunken H who had been physically abusive to me many many times before I left. I was only 24. There were difficult times ahead, things didn't work out too well with my friend as she had young kids too, and after a month I left and got a private rented place and claimed social security. Over time things got better and better and I never ever regretted what I had done. My H never got over his addiction to drink and was found dead at the age of 42 in his flat, from alocohol poisoning.

Sorry this isn't my story it just came back to me. There is another woman on Relationship Thread (called am dreading being alone with him over Xmas) who is having horrendous problems with a man who sounds truly dangerous and is also demanding sex at every verse end. A lot of posters are giving her their e mail address and one poster has even offered to fetch her and her kids to get away from her awful situation.

From your last post it seems things are getting worse and you really do need to get yourself and your children away from this man, even if it means going to a refuge for a time. Would you be prepared to do this? What is your financial position - could you afford a private rented place - there are a lot of them about at the moment. You might be able to claim Housing Benefit. CAB are often helpful in advising about these benefits, BUT I think Women's Aid is your best bet.

PLEASE believe noone is thinking you are doing SFA and I'm sure everyone on here understands how horrendous things are for you at the moment.

Sending good wishes and hoping you make that call to Women's Aid next week.

Hi snowkitten.
I'm sorry if my last post was unhelpful. To be truthful it is frustrating to watch what you are describing, but that's not a dig at you. It's just so hard to watch someone else going through it when you know that once you make the break you will never look back.
It's easy to say "leave" when you've done it. Like nina said, it's frightening how you can just leave everything and go. And the feeling of relief once you let go.
You don't need to worry about money or anything else, womens aid will help you with all that. Although, i can imagine it's a lot easier for you and your ds than it will be for you dd who is older and can understand more about what is going on.
From how you have described her though she sounds like a smart girl and she will also feel the relief and understand the release from the stress and everything.
We do understand why you are waiting and what you are waiting for. And once your kids are back to school and your H is back to work, you will have a bit of space to get your head straight.
Would he notice if you posted your birth certificates to a trusted friend or family member to just get the ball rolling. You will need them. See just one tiny thing which can easily be reversed will be one baby step. How about that for an idea, you get together some clothes for you and kids and get a friend/family member to store them for you. Not much but a few changes of clothes and some pyjamas and some toiletries. If you change your mind, you can get them back, no harm done. But at least it's done if you need it, so you can literally go and not worry about it?
Just some ideas which he probably won't notice, but will give you some strength to feel you are doing something and also to give you a back up plan.
Other things to consider would be packing a phone charger and some cash (not a lot but enough to pay for a night in a hotel or some petrol or a macdonalds for the kids). Just so if and when the time comes you are ready.
Sorry, don't want to pressurize you, want to support you. Am trying to think of something positive you could do which would empower you but is not irreversible.
xx

would you consider going to stay with a friend/family for the weeked or even overnight just to get some breathing space? Have you got a friend who could make up an excuse to need you, I don't know what for, could you invent an excuse, e.g. friend is ill and needs help with their kids, or friend who is upset and needs keeping company? Anything to get some space?

what a disaster - last nght dh crashed throuh the front door collapsed on floor smashed the wine bottles he was carrying. dd came screaming dstairs, horrified. She screaming that she hates him. Him saying he is in pain. toldhim he was a usless alcoholic. Resulted in me, dd and ds going next door to sleep. Webt to friends for day. told dh i wante dhim out. he is still totally in denial though did say he would try to make it better. I went home, he came in having been drinking. dd was mortified and smashed his wine bottles in garden. She went next door again. called womens aid - couldnt get through. trying again tomorrow. dh still in denial!!!!

Oh Snowkitten - things coming to a head then? It does sound like he's making the decisions for you by his behaviour - keep strong now and persist. I think your daughter is giving you all the incentive you need.

snowkitten keep posting. Glad he has forced things to a head, makes him the bad guy not you.
Chin up, it's going to be ok, never mind baby steps you have made giant leap on the road away from him!!

well done snowkitten. Think of it as the beginning of your new peaceful life. It will be hard but all worth it. Take care and I wish you lots of strength along the way.

Hi snowkitten, just got back from a mad Christmas away. First chance to see how you're doing.

In all honesty it is in some ways a good thing that he has ruined this Christmas because it shows you that even for those special days he cannot pull it together.

Just read your latest post. I hope you are out.

In response to your dd begging your dh to join in, it is now time to be the parent. Your dd cannot be objective, she loves her dad and will ignore the obvious to be with him. You must put your foot down and suffer the fallout. She won't be happy but will understand and be safe in the long term.

I can't imagine what you've all been through. If you're not out then get out now. I don't think you can wait even another day, he is out of control.

Keep repeating to yourself, "This is not my fault. This in not my doing. This is the only choice left to me to protect those I love. This is NOT MY FAULT."

Hope you're ok.

thanks all, and stuffing - I am ok now thanks. Got loads of rl support right now which is enormously helpful. He is stlil in total denial but we hav had some very strong words today which I have not dared articulate before now. I hope they have hit home. he has had only one drink this evening..... will keep you informed of course.

oh snowkitten! You are dragging this out. I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing in your situation but from where I am, it just seems to be going on and on and on. Your 1st post was Dec 14, it's now Jan 3 and nothing has really changed - not for the better anyway - except that your dd (and ds, although he seems to internalize his feelings more) are becoming increasingly damaged by your dh's behavior and, dare I say, your behavior by not getting them away? I'm so sorry to say this! Please do something to protect yourself & your children. And your dh.

snowkitten this time last year I posted almost identical threads (minus the alcohol, he had stopped by then, so the situation was different). I finally kicked him out properly in February. I couldn't have done it without MN's support and encouragement. It was the right thing to do (and he is home now and things are better but still occasionally bumpy). My only regret is that I didn't protect my DCs sooner. And that is the honest truth.

One better day doesn't mean anything in the greater scheme of things. Be safe.

Snowkitten - sorry - but he's an alcoholic so one drink is not possible...If he still had a drink nothing will change.

Oh snowkitten "very strong words that you have not dared articulate before" and only one drink...........that speaks volumes really. You are clearly afraid of your P as you have not "dared" to tell him how you feel before. This explains why he continues to behave as he does - his actions habe no consequences do they.

Glad you are getting some RL support which is what you desperately need but wish you would take the necessary action to PROTECT your children. The description of your daughter being hysterical by the sight of her drunken father and smashing wine bottles in the garden was very very chilling and amounts to your daughter suffering extreme emotional abuse. If you choose to suffer then so be it, but your children need protecting. I only hope if you continue to refuse to do so that someone else will do it for you.

SORRY I know this sounds very harsh - I just feel so upset about your children and your seeming inability to take on board the extreme emotional abuse that they are suffering.

thanks all - tomorrow I am calling WA. As I said before he has been around me like a leech. tomorrow i have some much needed space

Good luck for tomorrow, snowkitten, I am expecting you to change your posting name to snowtiger tomorrow

Good luck for tomorrow! you are absolutely doing the best thing for your children and yourself.You will never regret it.

snowkitten, WELL DONE for leaving him that night and going next door, and staying away - is first step and tells you that you can do it....

now pack a suitcase and make it a longer time away next time....

if he is in denial then he is unlikely to leave himself; unless you can get him removed by police next time he is drubk/collapsed on floor....

you could try the "leave and get yourself sober" line but it may not work...so you need plan B too.

not sure what your financial situation is? could you rent your own place? is it joint owned marital home? do you have your own money in an account and/or access to joint account?

these things you need to talk thru with womens aid about your options.

take advantage - if you like - of your daughter's current negative attitude to her father to get things moving now - i am sure she still loves him but right now she isnt liking his behaviour any more than you are so she too can set the boundaries and rules for her contact with him.

good luck tomorrow

Hi Snowkitten,

Good luck for tomorrow. I hope WA can give you some immediate help.

It's good to hear you have loads of RL support, (you have our support too) but I'm wondering how much RL support your DD is getting? She has you, of course but what else?

Could you go and stay with family or friends for a week or two? Can the dc's go for a few days to grandparents or other family?

Don't even have any "leaving" conversations with your dh. Just move out for a week, somewhere supportive, so your kids have some normality and you can work out what to do next.

Thinking of you, snowtigress... show 'em what you're made of! Grrrrrrrrowww!! Seriously, sending prayers & light your way. xx

snowkitten hope you had some joy from womens aid. And even if you can't get through, like others have sugggested is there somewehere you could go for a week or so. I realise your dd will need to go to school, but I would consider taking her out for a week, or otherwise do you have some friends nearby you could house-sit for or similar? I just think you are so close to sorting this and you need to get away from him to get some perspective. It's very easy to find the abnormal, normal when you are in a situation and it's not till you step out of it you realise, shit, that was totally wrong and not normal at all!!
xx

Hi snowkitten, hope you make that call today and you can start rebuilding your life. Thinking of you.

Hi sk,

thinking of you and hope you're ok.

hi all - well yesterday totally went to shit. dh refused to go to work even though he had had 14 days off as he was convinved I ws gonna chage the locks/move out. he was vicious, spiteful and I was venomous. I said things I had not said for years. It was totally horrendous. I was completely and utterly at breaking point. Everything is about how he feels etc. I cannot put all our married history on here but it all came out yesterday. Consequently I had no fucking spacea AGAIN. He has gone to work but dd's school has been cancelled. I will try to call today but had hoped dd was a school and ds was a playschool so i could have some much needed space/peace. I will keep you informed