|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

have added you as contact on msn

"He really really does think he is a great dad, husband and person. I don't get it. he really doesn't think he is wrong or at fault or unreasonable."

It doesn't matter what he thinks of his behaviour. That's his business. What matters to you is whether how you're living is acceptable to you or not.

You can't control what other people choose to do. The only control you have is over what you do.

good luck snowkitten. So sad to read your posts. I hope this time next year your dd has a happy christmas and a peaceful holiday, and that you do too. Alcoholism... get away from him. There's nothing else you can do. Good luck.

Snow, try to get some RL support too. Find an Al Anon group near you and get to it regularly. You need help or you too will go under. Living with a depressed person is depressing. For your dcs' sakes, you cannot afford to become ill yourself.

He can't face what he's doing. Of course he SAYS he's a wonderful husband etc. It's called denial and it's part of his illness. He can't face what he's turned into. As Snorbs says, don't concern yourself with what HE thinks - you need to be concerned for yourself. Get some support from your GP (who could refer you to a counsellor) or AlAnon - who will be able to give you a member's phone number to call on at any time. I have one after my first meeting, and just having that number has helped me feel stronger.

And if he kicks off again, at any time, please call the police. As others have said earlier, it might be the kindest thing you can do for him. Hang on Snow.

If you are waiting for dh to realise he is not such a great dad you will probably be waiting for a long time! Waiting is not going to make things ok again; 2 good days is never going to mean things are normal again. Dh is the cause of bad behaviour to you and the kids but you will be the solution and not dh , so if you Are waiting for dh to change or provide solutions then the wait will likely be your whole life.

Dh may sort himself out in the future and then you may choose to get back together, so leaving doesn't mean divorce, but right now dh doesn't want help. You and the kids do want help, be strong and go out and get that help. I know it feels familiar and safe and less effort to stick it out, but sticking it out for those reasons makes you an addict too. At the moment your being relatively passive and accepting is creating an unhealthy codependency. Take back control of your life and you will rediscover the happy optimistic person you were amazingly fast. Take action now, stop waiting for some legendary right time that will never arrive. You are in a mental trap just like dh but you can break free of yours if you really want to.

excellent post earthstar. difficult part is that it is easier said than done. But as the saying goes "nothing in life that's worth doing is easy"

Snowkitten I have no advice to give because unlike some of the others posting on here I have no experience - just wishing you the strength to do what is right for your family and yourself . What the other say makes a lot of sense from where I am standing.

What keeps going round in my head is the time when I was the last person alive still denying I had been abused and my friends kept saying 'Like an alcoholic you will not get better until you accept it happened'. It is the same for your dh.

Hello snowkitten, how was your day?

better thankyou

Good news, glad it was a good day. I had to go back to work today which was a drag.
Are you taking good care with your own health? And are you getting some rl support from friends/ rellys?

You are so right earthstar (your post of 29/12) but I fear none of these posts are "reaching" snowkitten. I know it's difficult (I left a drunken husband many years ago) but it can be done. I have to say I am frustrated at these kind of posts because they are so worrying and I feel so much for the children involved and yet somehow it seems that the poster is just wanting to give an account of the awfulness of the OH and not do anything about it.

I know this sounds harsh and I do understand that women in abusive relationships get afraid and paralysed with indecision and can't see their way out of it. There are so many posters who are taking so much time to help and then the OP says it is so diffcult because there has been a good 2 days. There is another thread over on relationships where a woman is posting about a truly horrendous situation and so dangerous for the women and children. Posters are so worried they are giving their e mail addressess and one has even offered to drive to wherever she is and get her away, but none of it is reaching her and she too is talking about the fact that he's not all bad and he hasn't got a job so wouldn't be able to make a alife for himself.

snowkitten is clearly confused by the fact that he thinks he is a good partner and father and I think she half believes it. Sorry snowkitten I AM feeling for you but this post is borne out of frustration that you are continuing to put your children through this misery, which is actually child abuse and the only person who can protect them is YOU.............

Nina I fear your are right about not "reaching" snowkitten. I think it is hard to get your head around it all...if you are in a situation that doesn't tie up with your self image ( I was bullied as an adult and it took ages and a lot of folk pointing it out before I realised that i was a person who could be bullied!! It just didn't fit in with how I saw myself).
Snowkitten I also fear I have scared you off from posting by saying too firmly that the person who needs to take responsibility and to act is YOU, the time is now. you are in a mental trap which tells you it is up to dh to change and your role can only be to put up with anything From him with the aid of some cyber sympathy.
I urge you to take responsibility for yourself and your kids, it is you who decides to allow it to happen to them
And while you continue to chose not to face up to it all it will carry on. I suspect only you can improve the situation here, there will be no knight in shining armour , you must rescue yourself

believe me, you are all reaching me! I am taking on board everything that has been said and next week when all are back at school and work I am making calls and sorting things out. It has been extremely hafd to get even five minutes non my own over Christmas as dh has been off work the whole time and obv dd and ds are home too. It is frustrating for you to see me appear to be sitting back and just 'blogging' about stuff but it has helped me enormously to write it down. It is so easy to blur the edges when yhou are living it - you just want peace and when it comes for a couple of days you feel relieved. Buyt I now know that hte peace is always short lived and that I msut do something about it. I am with an extremely difficult man in an extremely difficult situation which has been going on for years and I can see that now. ANd my time to change is coming.

nina - i know he is not a good dh or a good father. I have never been in any doubt about that. All he is is a good provider - but any dickhead can provide

Good for you snowkitten, I am cheering you on, are you feeling any better in yourself for deciding to make the change?

Earthstar - am i feeling any better? No. The enormity of what I feel i must do is completely and utterly overwhelming and seems totally out of my grasp. Others have done this but i really do feel that my situation is different. I don't know why but it could be cos I am dealing with a dh with mental health issues (I am pretty sure), alcoholism and low self esteem, though to hear him talk about himself, you would never believe it. I don't think he is in touch with reality - even though he holds down two high profile positions in work. He once told my brother that if I ever tried to leave him he would make my life hell. Not worried about me personally,, but the effect on dd and ds. It is horrendously hard to be me at the moment that is why I grab hold of the peaceful bits with both hands. He is not a shouty, aggressive drunk. He usually falls asleep - but his drink is a huge problem. gtg - dd baking with ds and they are calling me

Snowkitten - I am not surprised you are feeling so overwhelmed and I'm sorry if my words were a little too direct. In thinking about you breaking away from this man, I am not sure how useful it is to think of whether your situation is "different" from others who have done it. You talk of him having mental health issues, alcoholism and low self esteem and this seems to imply that his behaviour is somehow "not his fault" or that is how it is coming across to me. The thing is that the 3 things are all closely related aren't they - alcohol is a depressant and when used in excess produces depression - the low self esteem could be associated with the excess drinking or an effect, BUT whatever way around it is, the fact remains that you areliving a miserable life and your children are living in an untenable tense situation which will leave it's mark on them, make no mistake. Every day that you stay in the relationship damages them a little more. Maybe if you could think more of the effect on your children than whether your H is to "blame" for his behaviour or not, it could help you move forward.

I understand that you are paralysed at the moment at the thought of taking any action and of course this is a vicious circle because this paralysis prevents you from doing anything. Many many posters are urging you to conact Women's Aid - why don't you do that - you don't need to commit yourself to anything - so many women say once they have made that first step and know there is support out there, it gives them the emotional strength to plan the next step and this is how it has to be done - one step at a time.

You are obviously worried about his actions if you do leave, given his threats but honestly how can he make yourlife any bigger hell than it is now. Men say things like this because they are afraid, and are in fact dependent on the women they are abusing, though it doesn't always look like that from the outside. As for the effect on your children if you leave, how can they be any more affected than they are now...........they can't be - honest.

I know you are clinging on to things so you don't have to face the inevitable but it doesn't matter that he isn't shouty and aggressive - he may well have mental health problems - so do thousands of others but his is self-inflicted by excess alcohol, so why do you feel he isn't to "blame" and that somehow you shouldn't get away from this abusive, destructive relationship. The trouble is you are at rock bottom emotionally I know and this makes it all the more difficult to cope and as you say the thought of leaving makes it feel overwhelming and out of your grasp, but it isn't you know. I felt like this over 40 years ago and got out and you can too.

How about making a committment to phone Women's Aid asap just for advice to begin with - baby steps you know.

Sending you warm wishes and encouragement to value yourself and your children.

Snowkitten, when you say "i really do feel that my situation is different" you are right, it is different. You really are not the same as other wives who leave their destructive partners. But the thing is that they aren't the same as each other, either.

Dump your preconceptions about who these other women are and what their circumstances are - these preconceptions stop you from recognising your own problems.

Whether your dh should take "blame" for his actions or not is also a bit of a red herring.
If you just look at the facts, his behaviour is having very adverse effects on you and the kids and you are no longer the happy person you once were. You live for the peaceful days and hope each time it is peaceful again that that there will only be peaceful days in the future and that things will right themselves somehow.

You recognise that the only person who can make a positive change to the situation is you but it seems overwhelming, and I think you are still also in some disbelief that your situation is as it is, clearly it is not something you ever imagined would or even perhaps could happen to you in your life. Feeling overwhelmed is not suprising but Nina is spot on with her "baby steps" approach. I would also suggest that you contact Womens Aid for practical support and advice. You can make a plan, break it down into stages and work through it.

If you are still somewhat undecided about things, just speak to Womens Aid and see what you think about what they say, you have nothing to lose. Speaking to them isn't a firm committment to anything at all. In awful situations from my own experience it can take a while to really properly see what is happening and it is valuable to ask others who are not involved how they see things. For me, a lot of different people told me the same thing - I was being bullied. I couldn't see it and I thought they were sweet and well meaning but that it wasn't bullying because I wasn't a person that could happen to. Eventually, so many people who I respected said the same thing and I realised they were all spot on. Only once I had recognised what the issue truly was could I move on and deal with it. Things were bloody hard but once I had recognised the nature of the problem and decided to fight back I was immediately in a far better place mentally again.

I suspect you do not feel better because you have not yet truly seen and acknowledged what is happening to you. If you do nothing else, talk to some real life people about this and maybe read some literature.

The people who have answered your thread are not looking to sensationalise or exagerate for some drama in their own lives, they are mainly people who have been through difficulties themselves, and wish to offer help. Don't dismiss us as kind but ignorant of your reality - I did that.

Looking in from the outside can often give you clearer vision that looking from the inside out.

Everything really will be OK once you make the changes you need to make. Happy snowkitten is not far away.

hi all, thanks for recent posts, i am not at all in denial about the situatino I am in. I fully understand that dh is a bullying, manipulative, fuckwit. All my family and all my friends without exception are totally in agreement with me and offer their full support now and in the past as I have needed it often. I am calling Women's aid next week when I have the hosue to myself. I have not had any peace since Xmas Eve when dh finished work. I get small glimpses of time - like now - when he is out but then often dd or ds need me to do something with them. He is a useless dickhead and I want rid but it is hard and will be a slow process as I want to be armed with all the right information. i worry about everything this entails but mostly the impact on dd and ds. Stay with me please - and don't feel your advice is faling deaf ears, it is not. Thank you

and Nina - I am not making excuses for dh. I never do. His behaviour is not justified, not fair and not acceptable. It is just hard to act on as the conseqiences are lifechanging. There is no love here and no respect though he says he does both. I hate things and they will change

I will repeat what I said before snowkitten. I totally understand how you feel. I couldn't imagine leaving everything and breaking away. I was too worried about the effect on my kids, myself, where would I go, what would I do, who would help me.
But honestly, when it comes to it, it really isn't like that.
I have tears running down my face typing this because I really feel for you. I know how hard it is and I hate that anybody else has to go through it. I promise you, when you do go it will be terrifying but womens aid are fantastic. I had phoned other "helplines" in the past and they were far and away the best. They sent someone to come and get me and take me away. They will look after you, they understand, they will not patronise you, they will support you and your children. Please don't think you are not the "type" to go to womens aid either. The lady who looked after me was just like my mum. Totally normal, non judgemental and really sensible and understanding. The other women will probably have enough to deal with of their own problems to worry about who the hell you are. And they will be the best people to help you to find a safe place to go, if you are worried about dh becoming difficult.
remember what i said, it does not mean the end of your relationship with him. You will always have a tie to him, he is the father of your children. But it will be the end of him treating you like shit. You deserve some happiness. You deserve some respect. You deserve some peace not living on tenterhooks waiting for the next storm to blow up. And yes your children need a father, but let's be honest. Their dad is behaving pretty poorly just now and can't possibly be fulfilling all their needs as a parent, so they deserve one parent who is. I'm sorry I don't mean you're a bad parent. What I mean is that once you break free, a weight will be lifted from your shoulders and all that time and energy that is currently taken up with him and his bad behaviour (you worrying about it, trying to sheild the kids from it etc..) will then be time and energy to be given to your kids. They deserve it and so do you.
xx

Snowkitten - I have no experience or advice to offer but much sympathy
I hope you work out what to do for the best soon

Snowkitten
Sorry this is probably a bit of a ramble, it's late, I'm suffering baby-led sleep deprivation....hope it makes some sort of sense.

Just wanted to also say that Women's Aid are really helpful. I lived in a horrible situation for over 3 years.. things got steadily worse but I stayed much longer than I should have done. I know how difficult it is to leave, to take that step.

We're currently in a refuge - you said you thought your situation was different - but everyone I've met whilst here has left very different situations. Mental health problems, alcohol and drug misuse, physical violence or emotional / psychological abuse all feature. No 2 stories are the same. Don't be put off by thinking you don't fit into the template for who needs help.

Please don't keep putting up with the unacceptable, or leaving your children to have to live with this behaviour. You all deserve so much better

Your kids will be fine, you are role modelling for them that relationships must be respecting relationships, a lesson worth it's weight in gold.

SO glad you intend to contact Women's Aid snowkitten and I really don't mean to be harsh or judgemental. All of this happened to me a long long time ago and I couldn't have done it without family and friends (no MN in those days!)

I am sure everyone will "stay with you" and give you all the support and encouragement you need, both practically and emotionally.

Let us know when you've contacted Womens Aid which you can see as the very first step to changing your life for the better.

Sending you best wishes and hoping that 2010 will be a much better year for you and your children.