|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

Thanks Humpty. Give her our best. Very glad to hear she has rl support and hope her DD's birthday was good.

Thanks humpty, good to know she's alright. Hope her dd had a lovely, peaceful birthday. As Nana said, we are here to support whatever decision you make, snowkitten, so don't feel you can't post if you haven't taken our advice. We won't be offended at all We just want to make sure you are ok.

After all, Snow, very often, we can't even take our own advice !

hi all, this is the first normal day I ave had since i started posting - normal in as much as dd is at school, dh is at work and I have some much needed time and aheadspace. dh and I have had a million disucssios recently whre a lot of stuff has been said by me that I have never dared to before. Hwe has treated mebadly for so many years in one way or another and it has not been addressed as he always moves right on and I am 'not allowed' to bring it up fo the repercussinos are too great for me. It was quiet and peaceful for a few days but old habits die hard and he is being a tosser again. dd has been much happier (cos she thinks it is all calming down) but things are just beginning for me. I am frightened of what is happening next but i have do act. I have been quiet as we were sharinga computer for about a week which made posting diff. my brother, mum and his parents are right behind whatever I do and I have three places to stay should I need them. This week I am getting some solid info from WA and CAB for practical matters but the hardest part for me is not pracicalities, it is breaking free wihtout being made to feel i am harming my dc's more than staying would by iyswim. Stay with me! I am still around and still very much needing your support and help. Thanks, SnowK

snowkitten, you are not harming your DCs by leaving. You are protecting them. The fact that even his parents would support you is very telling.

None of this situation is of your making. You and the children are the victims here. I know it's really hard not to blame yourself (isn't that what all good mothers do?!) but this is not your fault!

Being realistic your DCs may not understand why this has happened, you will have tried to protect them from the worst of it (again, being a good parent) and so they won't have seen everything you have.

Just believe that you are doing the right thing. Because you really are.

Snowkitten hang in there and take your time but stay open and do not be lured into thinking things will change or that you are the baddy.

You are the adult and you must take the decisions for your children WITHOUT needing their approval and support. That may or may not come later. Their perspective is different from yours. was just reading up this afternoon on effects of child abuse (for myself - not making suggestions here!!!) and it was said that children always gravitate back to the familiar - however painful that may be. So it is up to you. You are doing what is best for them.

And it is indeed telling that you have 3 places to go to rather than lots of people telling you to stay put and work on it.

With you all the way! x

Glad you are OK snowkitten and that you have some RL support. Would you feel OK about going to one of your relatives. Can you say what it is exactly that makes you feel you would be harming your children more by leaving than staying. I know it seems so obvious to us outside of this situation to see that your children are being emotionally harmed by living in this situation, but something is stopping you from believing that - can you say what it is.

Maybe it's just the thought of moving them from everything that is familiar, their home,their bedrooms,their playthings etc etc. This is understandable but what children need is to live without the tension and fear of living with a father who is creating so much tension and fear in the home. You are afraid of him and so are the children if the truth be known. They can cope with change so long as there is a caring trusted parent (you) with them.

In any event once you have moved out, it may be possible for you to move back into the family home - all sorts of things are possible but they can only happen once you have moved out. Your H then will have to face up to negotiating matters with you on a different footing. Yes he may be difficult but it's so much easier to cope with when you aren't living under the same roof.

Anyway snow maybe we can help you unravel this business about the fear that you will be damaging the children by moving them away from their father, as this seems to be the major stumbling block now.

There are threads on the relationship site that are related to childhood abuse and the effects can be long lasting, following children into adulthood and affecting their ability to parent. Please can you tell us why you aren't able to take this on board. Sorry I don't mean to be harsh, but I am hoping we can help you with the emotional problems about the children that is preventing you taking the action that you need to take.

ARE you Ok snowkitten - it's just that your typing looked a bit erratic - maybe you were rushed - this is meant to be a critical comment - just worrying about you.

SORRY - meant to say "this is NOT meant to be a critical comment" - serves me right for mentioning your erratic typos!!

snowk,

good to hear you are ok and making some progress.

I think it is possible to worry that you are harming your children by leaving...whilst, at the same time, knowing that it is the right thing to do.

Your kids will be surrounded by the love and support of their family - people they have known all their lives I guess?

The absence of their erratic and frightening Dad will not damage them.

Sending love and support.

agree with others and will jsutrepeat what my counsellor told me when i was in your situation getting ready to leave - "the children will be fine" - they will be more settled without his unpredictable behaviour.

and the 12 yr old is old enough to understand why you must move. the younger one will understand later even if she doesnt now - but it will be up to dad to build a healthy safe relationship with his children. it isnt your repsonsibility any more. you ahve tried for years you ahve done your bit...

you will be able to more easily control contact.

he will need to step up to the plate.

currntly there is risk he may be harming them their emotional development, their sense of well being and security - by shouting, by getting drubk, by his behaviour - far more than you "harming" them by removing them from the situation and building a safe, secure, calm environment for them to grow.

you will be protecting them by moving them away from your H, so that he gets the message that his behaviour is unacceptable - it isnt ok to be excessively drunk around your kids, to shout and rant etc. it isnt ok for children to find their father slumped at doorway too drunk to move or to witness him ranting and shouting on continual basis.

you can leave the door open to him to see his children and to get better. the father /child relationship can only improve by taking this step. IF he decides to step upnto it. if he does not then you will be in a calmer better place to support them.

hi all, i am struggling because dh has been brainwashing me for years I guess. When he is behaving normally (not often) everyone is peaceful. Plus he really really does not think he is an arsehole. He raelly believes that he is doing OK. the tension in our home is palpable. We have lost the ability to talk to each other civilly. it is all an effort. He cannot seem to be nice to me anymore and my behaviour towards him is indirect response to that. but even so, he holds me responsible for hwo he feels . He talks about holidays we will go on which of course dd and ds get excited about. but even holidays are fraught. I am feeling like the baddy adn I don't know why because I absolultely know that all the BAD comes from him. ooooooh! Bloody bugger, tits and arse.

When my alcoholic ex moved out it took both myself and my DCs a few months to get used to the peace and calmness that had come over the house.

It was the little things that startled me the most. Not getting a knot of stress in my stomach as I walked home - I used to fret about what I would find when I opened the door. I also started to look forward to the weekend, rather than to worry about how drunk my ex would get and how bad the argument would be.

The other thing that became very obvious was how much my DCs had been affected. It took a good few months but they both settled down and came out of shells I'd never really noticed that they were hiding in. And that's not just me saying this, either - I've had much the same comments from friends, relations and teachers.

Children need love, consistency and attention. Consistency is the main casualty in a family where there's alcoholism because an alcoholic's reactions depend on how much booze is in their bloodstream. Attention can also be problematic because the alcoholic's attention is on themself and the other parent is often overwhelmed with trying to keep a lid on the alcoholic's problems. And an active alcoholic's true love is alcohol; every other relationship comes a distant second place.

Turning Point, a charity that works a lot with people who have drug/alcohol problems, published a report a few years ago called Bottling it Up. It's about the effects a parent's alcohol abuse can have on their children. It's worth reading. In particular, it makes it very clear that the less exposure a child has to alcoholic behaviour, the better.

snowkitten, you're not the baddy. He is in denial. It is much easier for him to project his problems onto you, than to accept they are his own. I think it is very common in men with depressive like illnesses, a woman feels like she is a terrible mother etc and it's all her fault whereas a man feels like the world is against him and it's all someone elses fault.
It's not your fault. You never forced him to get drunk. You never forced him to be an arsehole etc... My mum always says the trouble with life is that there is no "control version". I mean, you can't rewind and relive the last year with a husband who wasn't an arsehole to see how it would have been different. All you can do is make the best of the situation you are in.
The tension you are describing is a huge factor in how you and your kids and he is feeling. If you can remove that, I think it will be easier for everybody, him included. The easiest way for you to remove that, is to remove yourself... I know it's the same old thing again, you should ditch him etc... But honestly, when you're tired and beaten down by it for years, I think it is easier to go than to try to push him out. Maybe it makes you the baddy because you were the one who actually walked away but that's ridiculous, because if you hadn't have beeen in this situation you wouldn't have. And do you know what, if that makes him feel better to think you are the baddy who walked then maybe you should let him think that. The truth is, that you were the one who was brave enough to say "that's enough" and you were the one who took your kids away from that tension and anxiety and set yourselves free from it.
I know it ain't that easy, but trust me, it will work out and it will be better.xxxx

snowkitten, I could have posted that last year word for word.

It was horrible, I started keeping a diary to note down what had happened each day because he would twist things and I try to convince me that he'd never done/said anything. He constantly rewrote history. He blamed me for how he felt daily. If I got sad he would respond with anger (because I was making him feel worse). By the end I would hide upstairs away from him most of the time. I felt so... squashed when he was around.

A year later? DH is so so sorry. He will talk things through with me, try to anticipate how I feel about something, and never, ever blames me for how he feels. He freely admits he was a HORRIBLE person and that NOTHING was my fault. But at the same time says that he did feel he couldn't possibly be to blame at the time.

He is not well. He is not thinking straight. He is not rational. He is not trying to do what is best for the family he is simply doing from moment to moment what feels best for HIM.

No one saw me as the baddy when I asked him to leave. I thought I'd be surrounded by "But he's so lovely!", but instead everyone rushed to see if I was ok.

I had been told I was the villain by him for soooo long that I believed it. I started counselling (when he was the one depressed) and she just listened to me and told me it wasn't my fault.

I said I just felt so frustrated and angry all the time, and could she help me stop being horrible. And she said, "Do you not think that you have a right to feel angry?".

She was right. Once I accepted that my feelings were as valid as his he couldn't squash them anymore. I got strong, I got free and this enormous weight lifted from me.

If he can convince you that you are the one with issues then he doesn't have to deal with them.

You are not to blame. You have a right to feel and to live without suppressing yourself. And so do your DCs.

And don't forget that even his WORK have expressed concern about his behaviour! That's a real indicator that something is wrong here.

youknownothing - thank you for your words. It really is a mind bending predicament/situation to be in and I can no longer live my life like this. Are you and dh still together? I'm not sure I could accept any apologies from mine - too much water and all that............

I feel constantly on edge, constantly irritated and constantly frustrated but as soon as he leaves the house I can breathe freely again. That speaks volumes. Glad you resolved your situatiion - all strengthens my resolve

We are together. But it was touch and go for a long time and I still reserve the right to ask him to leave and there are other conditions too. He's doing really well and we are communicating better.

Sometimes we talk about what has happened, and I know it hurts him a lot to be reminded (because on the whole he doesn't remember) but he respects my need to discuss it and is very supportive now. It's still hard. I look at the man I love and know that there have been times he has looked at me with hatred and said some horrible things, he has laughed while I cried, he has scared me and hurt the DCs.

Sometimes I don't know if I'll ever completely put that behind us

And so we are rebuilding it all. Even the little things that were just niggles before everyhting went wrong are being dealt with. We are discussing everything and it's amazing how small things fed into bigger things when you look at it all together.

I couldn't go through what you're going through now, again. It is constant pressure when they're there. It is horrible. I remember it all.

Don't let him talk you into thinking you're wrong. You are not wrong. You know that because of the way you feel when he is around.

You wouldn't throw away your relationship on a whim. You wouldn't feel scared of the man you loved for no reason. This is all real. All of it. The pain is real and you have a right to feel it.

Judt keep going. You're doing so well. x

youknownothing's story shows that separating was the right thing - it pushed her H into doing something.

i share what she says about how you feel when it is going on...in my case the story doesnt have a happy ending for my ex - he is still the same.

still blaming me/the world. but especially me - only last week a text message saying "you have been so abusive to me [by leaving me]" bla bla bla .... but i am not responsible for him.

and like snorbs, the diference in the children, after a few months of "freedom" was remarkable.

your H is entitled to believe what he likes about whose fault it is... you cannot change how he thinks. but from outside, it is clear it is HIS thinking which is skewed (by alcohol/by his illness/by whatever).

and you can be clear - you are equally entitled and entitled to make a decision you know is right for you and the children.

It did cestlavie, if I hadn't done it we would definitely not be where we are now, and I can't imagine what things would be like for the DCs.

Whether it works out or not, you cannot live like this. As Cest says, you are entitled to make a decision to protect you and the DCs.

cestlavie - re: your texts from ex h, my dh managed to turn the entire situatino over Xmas/New year on its head by saying that I had behaved despicably by airing our dirty luaundry in public (ie going to neighbours overnight). He said I had shown disloyalty etc etc adn that he would ever recover from this! He still did not acknowledge what damage he has/had done to dd and me - beyond belief!!!!!

sorry, never not ever!

Well in fact you can continue to live like this, and you have been for some time now, perhaps you will choose to forever.

Your dh will suffer because he has no reason to change whilst you stay. You vindicate his behaviour by staying and tolerating it. He is not happy at the moment. If you leave then he will be forced to make changes and it is quite possible that these changes will be positive for your dh - but no guarantees. Since he is unhappy right now it is not likely that he will be significantly less happy if you leave. Angry for a bit perhaps, but probably no more unhappy.

You say you are unhappy with things but I suspect you have fear of change holding you back from addressing your own unhappiness. When things are bad, change is generally better - and you have control over many aspects of the changes that you make.

As for the kids, living with a depressed alcoholic father and an unhappy mother does them no favours - they deserve more, this is a damaging situation for them, and they are likely to repeat the same patterns themselves as adults as this is all they know of family life.

You repeatedly say that your dh does not recognise that his behaviour is problematic. Why do you keep mentioning this? It evidently is problematic as your friends and family and his work can clearly see, and it is only your dh who is in denial. If you are waiting for him to own his problems then you will wait forever.

Try to ask yourself honestly, what is really holding you back? You have had lots of time to take action since you started posting but something holds you back - what is it? Are you waiting to be rescued?

Earthstar - I endorse what you are saying. I think snow's own words might be the clue to why she is unable/unwilling to take any action "He has brainwashed me for years" and yes I too get frustrated at snow keep repeating that her H does not take responsibility for his behaviour and thinks there is nothing wrong with him........it is soooooooo obvious that he will think this......it takes maturity, motivation and insight for anyone to start to look at their own behaviour and what is unacceptable and this bloke clearly does not possess such qualitites.

BUT snow - his constant denial that he is doing anything wrong is working - and stopping you from getting out. You said earlier the thing that was stopping you moving was worry that you would be doing harm to the children. Given all the posts I can't really see that you can still believe that your children are not being emotionally damaged.

As earthstar says - maybe you need to honestly ask yourself what is holding you back and maybe it would help you to list the things.............or maybe you have to just acknowledge that you are staying. I think we all hope not for the sake of the children but that is for you to decide of course.

Have you contacted WA yet if only for advice - that might be a first step.

You can't live like this forever. Each day will take a little more effort, each argument will mean you have a bit less to give. It drains you. It sucks you dry.

The thing that struck me most the first week he was gone was how much time and energy I had for my DC. It was heaven.

It's hard to leave. You don't want to have to. You want the threat of it to be the thing that snaps them out of it. But it's not enough. You left for a night and your DH learnt nothing. Now he has to go. For as long as it takes, and if that is forever then so be it.

He's getting worse not better. He will take you with him if you're not careful.

You need change.
Your kids need change.
Your dh is not about to change although you are attached to the idea that he will.
Nobody is going to rescue you from this situation and actually you don't even want anybody to.
It is you who must make the change.

It is not about your dh, it is about you, and whilst you say dh will not take responsibility neither will you.

If you love your kids then be responsible for them.

I am being straight with you because saying "poor you" won't help you. Step up to the mark for your kids, the time is now, if their father will not be a responsible parent then it is for you to accept responsibility. If you leave your kids to suffer in this relationship it will not just be your dh who is responsible for the consequences