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Original poster

Recovering from child abuse......help needed

406 replies

adelicatequestion · 05/09/2009 23:39

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

OP posts:
silentcatastrophe · 14/10/2009 12:53

Sometimes, it can feel very vulnerable to express anger, and it's not much fun feeling vulnerable and exposed.

I got very angry with my father for good reason. It felt pretty crap at the time, and I wondered if it was worth it. I was angry to the right person about the right things. It has, over time, made me less afraid of him. There have been positive outcomes!

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 14/10/2009 16:09

I think one of my issues is that I negatively internalise everything to be my fault or that people are blaming me.

I have a very negative outlook on things relating to me.

I can;t get angry with my abusers, but I am angry with myself, blame myself and feel guilty.

If my children get upset i see it as my fault, I'm a bad mum etc etc.

When DH had is affair, I was the bad one, I internalised it was because he hated me

etc etc

When I email the psych or therapist and they don;t reply as soon as I want (I'm also impatient) I think it's because I am apain and hassling them too much so they are ignoring me.

OP posts:
Original poster
adelicatequestion · 14/10/2009 16:11

Oh and at the moment I obsess about it to teh point that I cna;t be bothered to deal with anything else.

I have loads of things I want to do but can;t be bothered to do them. I want them done, I need them done, but I just don;t bother to do them. I sit for hours reclicking emials to see if they've replied yet. I waste hours doing that.

How sad am I. I pick up food I know is not good for me, say I don;t need it and then eat it anyway.

What hope is there for me.

There are so many things to fix, I don;t know where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
adelicatequestion · 14/10/2009 16:37

I feel completely disengaged from teh children this afternoon. They are entertaining themselves and I want to be anywhere but here dealing with bickering.

I just can;t tolerate it at the moment. I'm sure the anger i feel with them, I should be directing at my abusers.

Sorry about this. Having a bit of a rant on a bad afternoon.

OP posts:
silentcatastrophe · 14/10/2009 17:33

It's a bugger when you are blaming yourself for everything. It makes life a misery. It means that you are responsible for when the sun shines, when war breaks out, which babies are born (in the broader scheme of things).

I do know what you mean about wanting things done but being unable to do them. Oh for them to sort themselves out!

It's also hard to disengage yourself, and to look at the broader picture. It is hard sometimes not to take things personally. It sounds so trivial, but it is like on a Saturday night when you are alone and everyone is out having fun. Except lots of friends are probably not having fun, but they're just not at the end of the phone.

Keep posting here, or if you need someone to bend an ear in RL, the Samaritans are fantastic. (tried and tested)

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 14/10/2009 19:07

Thanks silent

I just don;t know what to try and fix first.

I told my therpaist today all tehdetails of my abuse and did it with hardly any emotions at all. I want to feel something because then I can deal with it.

I think though my biggest mountain at the moment is the low self esteem and feeling bad about everything I do.

OP posts:
cremeeggs · 14/10/2009 19:40

I think you can feel some of the emotions connected with it because you feel angry. It's just you can't direct it at the source of the anger if that makes any sense.

Have you tried describing, visualising and focusing on your anger? You could do it as an exercise every night for say 5 minutes? Sit quietly by yourself and try to connect with what the anger is saying, what it's about, what it looks and feels like. then visualise where you would like to put it and who you'd like to give it to.....I have tried this and it is definitely helpful, though not instant.

I'm in a similar situation of not being able to "connect" with my emotions about my abuse. At the moment i feel quite down a lot of the time and not very sociable. It feels like I need to pull the shutters down and withdraw into myself as it's all too much to face. But I know the only way out is to face it all and to be strong and keep telling myself that he ruined my childhood and a lot else and that he's not going to win any more. i can choose whether to let the bastard continue to haunt me or whether to take charge of my life at long last and deal with the complexes he's given me one by one. You can do the same!!

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 14/10/2009 20:07

Thanks cremeeggs

I can relate exactly to waht you say about the shutters. I think that is what I am doing by running away from family life. It's like I can;t deal with the day to day squabbles. I just want to be somewhere on my own to think and process stuff. But then I don;t, I just feel like I am wasting time when I have so many other things that need doing.

OP posts:
cremeeggs · 14/10/2009 21:10

Maybe you could make different times for thinking about different things? That's the only way I've learnt to manage that - otherwise I would go mad when flashbacks come to me in the queue in sainsburys and the kids are bickering asking for wseets - the only thing that stops me screaming in that situation is to press the pause button and promise myself I'll have a long bath when the kids are in bed and focus on the memory. it's been a really hard routine to establish but it definitely works for me. Also that way I feel i'm getting some control back over the crappy stuff - i can't not deal with the memories but I'm training my mind to put them to one side and deal with when I'm not focusing on the children etc

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 14/10/2009 21:16

That sounds like a great strategy.

I find it so hard sometimes though to pull myself away. I feel like I'm wallowing in it and there must be something about that, that at some level I like otherwise I wouldn't do it.

OP posts:
cremeeggs · 14/10/2009 21:32

It does take a lot of effort to pull yourself away.

Why do you think you must like wallowing in it? I wonder if this is simply your way of dealing with stuff? Mine is denial and a million and one ways of burying my head in the sand. i have to force myself not to bury my head; maybe you need to catch yourself "wallowing" and ask yourself if there's another way? or maybe it isn't wallowing? It's just connecting with the feelings deep down and that takes a lot of focus and effort. Can feel like you're being sucked down a kind of spiralling vacuumy tornado type thing!

silentcatastrophe · 15/10/2009 08:55

You sound as though you are making progress, ADQ. I don't know an awful lot about different therapies, although I have been through the mill a bit over the past 25 years or so. For a long time, I was unable to express how I felt and bore the weight of the world on my shoulders.

When I was first prescribed Prozac more than 15 years ago, I felt, for the first time in my life that I was a member of the human race. It was amazing! It also stamped out my eating problem, which was a great relief.

I have recieved most support on the NHS, apart from a study I was able to join. I had a year of very very good therapy, after which I felt that I had a bit of light that was just for me, so I could see the way.

You are doing exactly the right thing. I'm sorry it is all so overwhelming at the moment.

One of the things I was once asked to do was to write a letter to the little girl I was, from the point of view of myself as an adult. What would you say to that little person? How would you comfort her? What would it be like to have felt some affection and love?

I think it may be a way of reconnecting with yourself. We all have ways of protecting ourselves from pain, however dysfunctional.

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 15/10/2009 18:04

Thank you CE and SC

I am a little calmer today. I had a good chat with the therapist yesterday and my psych had emailed to say he doesn;t mind being on the end of angry emails if it helps me get it out and release the valve. Part of his job he said.

It helped a lot to feel supported by him and my therapist. I'm glad to know they are both behind me.

I will need to sit down and write some letters. I think it will help a lot and has been suggested to me before.

Looking forward to a relaxing evening.

OP posts:
alypaly · 15/10/2009 22:46

sorry i have not replied to anything,my computer died...the hard drive has gone on it,so i am borrowing a laptop for now...til i can afford a new one..[hmmm]

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 16/10/2009 08:43

disaster! I'd never cope.

Hope you get it all fixed soon and look forward to chatting again.

OP posts:
alypaly · 18/10/2009 16:38

hope you are ok ADQ?
had a bit of a rough weekend myself.A few repercussions from a loop diathermy i had 12 days ago. Might have to go back to hospital on monday

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 18/10/2009 17:30

Oh no. Hope everything is ok?

We've been out today for the day, so mad rush to get homeowrk, uniforms etc etc ready for tomorrow.

Post when you are able to. Is the computer fixed now?

OP posts:
alypaly · 18/10/2009 18:38

no its dead. have got to buy another one,just borrowing this laptop for now

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 19/10/2009 14:13

Looking forward to you posting soon.

OP posts:
alypaly · 19/10/2009 14:40

got the laptop for the day,but BF needs it tomorrow

alypaly · 19/10/2009 14:52

had to go to hospital this morning after spending 3 wasted hours in A and E on saturday. Despite heavy blood loss,they didnt even examine me,they just sent me home saying ,if it continues by monday, come back. So i did, but not to A and E. Went to the colposcopy department, rather then being ignored by doctotrs that dont even examine you.
As a consequence i have had to have cautery yet again,13 days down the line to stop the patent blood loss. Feel a bit crampy again today and i have got so much to do for BF 50th birthday party.
Will catch up with you when i can and when i have the laptop,as BF needs it for business soon.

Hope you are ok?
Are you?

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 19/10/2009 16:03

Hopefully that will sort it now.

Hope you're able to get the things done you need to. It's not easy preparing for parties. I remember doing DH 40th.

I am not too bad at the moment. Still having horrible dreams, but I feel that my deep hurt at not being cared for is at the point where I now understand where its coming from and can deal with the hurt better.

I also got angry with the psych and sent him a few emails followed up with an apology. He was ever so sweet and said it was part of his job and that I was projecting my anger at the abusers to him, but that he was fine with me emailing it and it was good I released the valve.

I am really really lucky with him and the therapist. They are both so good.

Hope you recover quickly.

Is the party this weekend?

OP posts:
alypaly · 19/10/2009 18:23

yes,the party is saturday and ive got 36 people coming now....yikes

Original poster
adelicatequestion · 20/10/2009 08:42

Gosh thats a lot

Hope the weather holds out for you all.

How are you today?

OP posts:
alypaly · 20/10/2009 09:16

cautery seems to have worked..fingers crossed,thanks for asking....
good job as i have an interview at a vets today