I am frightened to talk to my counsellor about this

[twoisplenty]

I have been seeing a counsellor for 5 sessions. It has been ok so far, but last week I finally blurted out that I have a problem with anxiety around food. I didn't say much more.

But I had anorexia years ago, and never talked about it to anyone (even my mum) except for a counsellor who helped me out of the mire.

It feels so frightening to talk about this. It is such a private thing.

And it is a shock to me that, now I have been honest with myself, that I do have a problem. Not the same as before, but still have issues around food and eating enough etc.

How am I going to get through the next session? I am just in shock and so scared.

The counsellor did ask me if my avoiding eating had anything to do with control. Well, no it doesn't (it definitely used to) but it does have a lot to do with coping.

It is past midnight and I am wide awake. So worried. I am not seeing her until Thursday.

Thanks for reading.

Oh no. Poor you. Well at least you'll see her very soon, stay strong!

How are you today?

just checking in to see how you are twoisplenty

Hang in there, please - it won't be long and you will feel so much better once you have started to let this stuff out and work on it

Keep us posted xx

Thank you Greensleeves - I have every intention to keep posting, because this has been a lifeline, and everyone is lovely and supportive.

Well.....I did it!!

Last night the counsellor saw me, she did promise she would see me before the end of Saturday.

I did give her the letter, and I was shaking violently, and you know what?

She was wonderful. So lovely. And calming.

But also non-judgemental, and I really didn't expect that.

It is such a relief that I have someone on my side.

I have definitely chosen a Very Good Counsellor! She gives me confidence that I can trust her, and get better in my time. There is no pressure. She also said to keep in contact with her by text and to ring her if I need more support, or bring an appointment forward.

I am still shaking, 12 hours later, but feel under less pressure somehow.

One other thing. I knew already that I have some good friends (RL) but now it is confirmed, because my friend rang me when I texted her to tell her when my appointment was, and she offered to drive me there and back, which I gladly accepted, because there is no way I could have driven in my state of anxiety. How fantastic is that?

But she also

Ignore the "but she also" bit!

Wow, that is so great! That also gives me a bit of hope, because I avoid counsellors now for worrying about them being judgemental. I'm glad it went so well for you

That's wonderful!!!

Happy for you.
(((HUG)))

Things are not going well. I don't understand.

Why is this happening? Only a week ago I could function, eat in a fairly normal sort of way, I was managing.

Since I realised things weren't right in this area, I have gone into freefall. I can't eat, my anxiety is constant. I have been full anorexic mode for 5 days now, and it's hurting, it's tiring, it's made me into a liar.

What am I doing?

How did this happen? I can't get out of it. I cried with panic making the children's lunch today. I have finally eaten one item after 36 hours of nothing.

I wasn't like this one week ago. I was like this 15 years ago. I know the strain I have been under has been enormous, and I wasn't coping, but this is making things so much worse.

I feel desperate to get out of this.

And what on earth do I tell my dh? He hasn't noticed yet, but it won't be long, in fact tomorrow we always have Sunday dinner.

The anxiety is terrible.

Not seeing the counsellor until Thursday, but possibly Tuesday.

Sorry to keep going on about this, but I can't cope.

Thank you Jacksmama and Manatee. I appreciate your thoughts.

In terms of general ed advice - can you drink? I often find it easier to drink and if you are feeling anxious about eating - remember you need to for your dcs. Remember you need to fight this because you have children (aside from the stuff for you). I have certainly had phases where I didn't fight it, and have negatively effected my children really quite badly in those times. But I still haven't sorted my ed self out really, but there are some things that I think you should stick to for the sake of kids. It is often easier to plan what you are going to eat, I know that is in danger of being interpreted as pro, but in the context of a mother eating next to nothing, it is better to let the anxiety work on controlling food, rather than all out fasting. That said, if you deviate from an eating plan it is not failure, it is just giving your body what it needs.
Also, please don't purge, I don't know if you tend to, so I wont elaborate with that, but I most certainly can elaborate on that point!

Thanks Manatee. Yes, I can drink and that feels ok. Only juice though, nothing "nutritious" like milk shakes etc.

I did manage some toast late this morning, and it went ok, I busied myself as I ate, then went and had a bath to keep calm. It worked really well. Just thinking about it now is getting me nervous, so I shall move on from that thought.

I did feel particularly anxious last night (hence the last post of mine) but feel calmer today, it's the anxiety that's a main feature. My counsellor has given me ideas on how to calm the nerves, so I am following her instructions.

As for planning a meal, well, no, I'm not ready for that yet. But I will bear it in mind.

I'd rather eat nothing and not have to worry about purging. I'm sorry you are going through this Manatee, but are you ready to think about getting some therapy yourself? Having someone on your side, to work with you is such a relief.

Have a lovely day. I will check in tomorrow I think. xx

It is very true that it is better to not eat and not purge than eat and then purge, although obviously 'problem free eating' is apparently the way to go!

I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be, but do still have issues that effect things most days, the recent death of my kid's dad (my estranged husband) has made me think about the whole counselling thing again, but there seem to be lots of barriers, but reading about your excellent counsellor is inspiring me!

Well done for managing this morning and staying calm, I hope the rest of your day goes well.

Thinking of you twoisplenty - I don't have any really useful advice to add but sending you (((HUGS))) and calm thoughts .

Well I did say I would check in tomorrow, but I didn't think it would be 3am ish!!!

Woke up in a panic, heart thumping. So here I am, I shall go back to bed in a minute.

It's our wedding anniversary! 12 years. We don't have anything planned, too busy booking a holiday (the thing I am panicking over). How can I go on holiday (to Florida) in this state? There will be a lot of stamina required (Disney World), and lots of eating. Oh great.

"although obviously 'problem free eating' is apparently the way to go!" excellent observation! Made me lol!

Really must go the bed...

My dh has just told me he has planned an evening out for our anniversary. He has babysitting booked. He would like to take me out for a meal...

Worried about my ds too. He narrowly avoided being admitted to hospital yesterday, due to his epilepsy. He is still worrying me today, so I shall ring his consultant at 9am.

What next?

On the plus side, now the night is over, I feel calmer. It is becoming a pattern where I can keep fairly calm during the day, and my worries take over all night.

Beginning to wonder if anyone really wants to read all of my waffle, but it does feel good to get it written down. It does help me, so there!

I don't mind reading it because I can relate. I am not very good with night time either, someone once told me I should hold in my head as I fall asleep an image of myself on a garden swing! Well...it SOUNDS a lovely idea, but my swing kept going manically, and I looked wrong, etc, it just didn't work! The more traditional hot drink-relaxing bath-good book often helps to some extent.

Congratulations btw, and I hope you have an enjoyable evening out.

I hope your ds is ok today too.

As for Florida, I know how holidays can seem like a huge stress, I always feel like that beforehand But more often than not, however you feel when you go away, the break means you come back feeling a bit better!

Hi Manatee. I am feeling rather tired now, after last night's half-sleep. So, rather cleverly, the children have been playing doctors and I was the patient (lying down!). Worked a treat.

I can't imagine being on a swing whilst trying to get to sleep, sounds hard work!

I have decided that tonight I will go for the meal with dh, and whatever I choose from the menu, I will eat just what I like and ignore the rest. The only things I have eaten for a week now is toast, and potato, because bland food seems "safer". Sounds ridiculous when written down, but there you go.

I am feeling calmer about the holiday. I mean, I have been sooo excited for this holiday for so long, but I am worried that I will ruin it for my family with my odd ways, and really worried that I won't have enough energy to get around. Having said that, now it is daytime, I am calmer about it, and I now have a goal in mind to work on...to eat three (small) meals per day ready for the holiday. It doesn't matter how small, but just get into that routine.

I am hoping also that being on holiday will enable me to be less anxious because I will be focussing on Mickey Mouse etc!! And enjoying the children's excitement.

It may be even better than that, with the help of my counsellor, I may be doing really well by then.

Forgot to say that my ds is much better, thanks. His epilepsy has calmed down again. I rang the epilepsy nurse (consultant was not around) and she was reassuring. We see a consultant neurologist next week, so hopefully we can start to get his meds right.

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all that bland food is safer, it is how a lot of people feel, and it is fine to stick to safe food when you are struggling, but not all the time, and not if it starts to become a safe food to the point that ALL other foods are ALWAYS unsafe.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling generally better today.

Not a good day I'm afraid. I have woken up feeling weak and tired. I hate this feeling. Thankfully my dd started back at school today but my ds is still here, and he needs lots of attention.

Last night I did go for a meal with my dh, for our anniversary. I really really thought I would do ok. I had already thought about what I wanted (rice dish) and there was risotto on the menu.

I had forgotten just how little I am eating atm, and I only managed a meagre two tablespoons of the rice. And a little bread.

My dh was devastated. So worried. Now he kknows I have a BIG problem. He can't understand me. I had to explain about anxiety and panic preventing eating.

I also explained that I was being looked after by a fantastic therapist and she said she wasn't worried about me or my weight loss because this episode is temporary. He found it so hard (understandably). I feel dreadful that I have upset and worried my dh. I didn't mean to do any of this, it has been just as much a shock to me.

I am seeing my counsellor tonight and Friday. Twice a week is necessary atm until things are under control. At least I am being looked after.

I hope you are doing ok, how has it been since then with your dh knowing?

Just want to say I hope you are doing ok.

Thank you Manatee, so nice to know I am being thought of!

Things are a bit up and down, iykwim. Some days are better than others, but I feel generally low all of the time, it's the counselling I suppose.

As for mealtimes, well, I am sticking to food that I am comfortable with, not much variety, but at least I can eat those things and not think about it too much. I still can't go anywhere near most things. Confused really. I just can't get a grip, and still wondering what I am doing. I am going on holiday in three weeks time, and the family will sit down for three meals a day...I don't fancy that at all!

I am seeing the counsellor again on Wednesday. She did warn me that it would take time to resolve things, so I suppose I have to be paitent.

The last couple of weeks my ds has worried me a lot with his epilepsy, so I think that's why I am struggling atm, I can't help my ds, we just have to wait for the new medicines to (hopefully) work, and if not, the doctor mentioned (briefly) surgery. Big worries.

Sorry to offload. How are things with you Manatee? Have I tempted you into counselling

Glad you posted. That must be such a worry with the epilepsy, I hope the new meds start to work soon. And I hope you are looking forward to the fun stuff you will do on holiday, rather than just thinking about eating. While obviously you need to eat I hope you don't feel pressured to in situations you are really not comfortable with. If you eat enough it will be easier to say you don't want to in a situation that is not ideal (for me that would be eating out!).

I'm ok, still in 2 minds...as always, about counselling!

Very well put, manatee. Yes, I eat enough to get by, I am definitely doing better with quantity, although not enough by the usual standards, but enough.

Eating out is very stressful, but I am really hoping that being on holiday takes some of the pressure off. I can stick to my safe foods on holiday because mainly that means bread, and so that's easy to find. I also have to thank my dh for being surprisingly understanding - he doesn't mention anything when I struggle, and is letting me get on with things. He knows that this situation is temporary because I am having counselling.

And I am really excited about the holiday in terms of enjoying the sun and doing nice things.

When I look back to a few weeks ago, when I was very anxious and I couldn't eat, I feel that I have made good progress, and I am comfortable doing what I am doing. I will start to eat regularly and have more variety when I am ready. Goodness know when that will be!

Although my dh is understanding, I am still worried that I am putting the marriage under pressure. The counsellor says that he will wait, and it is my turn to need some space and time, so he must accept that. But I hate upsetting him (or anyone).

How are you getting on?