I am frightened to talk to my counsellor about this

[twoisplenty]

I have been seeing a counsellor for 5 sessions. It has been ok so far, but last week I finally blurted out that I have a problem with anxiety around food. I didn't say much more.

But I had anorexia years ago, and never talked about it to anyone (even my mum) except for a counsellor who helped me out of the mire.

It feels so frightening to talk about this. It is such a private thing.

And it is a shock to me that, now I have been honest with myself, that I do have a problem. Not the same as before, but still have issues around food and eating enough etc.

How am I going to get through the next session? I am just in shock and so scared.

The counsellor did ask me if my avoiding eating had anything to do with control. Well, no it doesn't (it definitely used to) but it does have a lot to do with coping.

It is past midnight and I am wide awake. So worried. I am not seeing her until Thursday.

Thanks for reading.

I see what you mean about facing it not making things worse. Can't make it much worse! But I am terrified. Cornered.

So have you got to face things too Manatee?

But she'll help you - that's what she's there for. No need to feel ashamed, there is nothing wrong with needing help. You have had a tough ride by the sounds of it. You do not have to cope on your own. She'll work through it with you and help you find a way of living a better life, feeling better about yourself. Please let her know, either by writing to her or talking to her. IME counselling can only work if you're 100% honest. Yes it will be hard. I remember driving back from a session crying my eyes out. It might make you feel worse for a while while you face issues you've tried to ignore for years, and come to terms with things that have happened in your life. But then you'll accept them, and you WILL feel better. I really hope you can find the strength to talk to your counsellor. Good luck.

Part of me thinks it will come as a shock to the counsellor! I went with issues about my ds etc, and hinted at a small issue with food, and reassured her that demons of the past were gone, and I had had counselling for it.

So I am meant to go back tomorrow and tell her, actually, I am now blowing things out of proportion and making more of an issue than it was last week. That from there being a small issue, contained, that I can't manage eating anything...it sounds unreal. I sound a bit of an attention seeker, don't you think?

How many people do you think go to their counciller loudly proclaiming that NOTHING is wrong?

I myself went in howling about my anger ruining my life.

12 sessions later, I was giving careful consideration to leaving my abusive partner, and accepting the fear that was causing the anger.

I was worong about myself. I lied to myself and her "Oh we have a great relationship!" (except when he stonewalls me for three days and hits me if I try to insist he talks to me)

She helped me. It's not her place to take offence at your behavior - frankly anyone who has to see a counciller gets let off the hook a bit, behaviorwise.

They are non-judgemental. It's their job.

no, you dont sound particularly like an attention seeker, you sound like an anorexic. Don't expect her to be surprised, she probably already knows.

She will understand why you lied, why you had to protect yourself. Tell her, she can help you.

Do you think tell her tomorrow? Or by email first to contain the fear?

I am getting the strong feeling that everyone believes I must start the ball rolling. I am starting to think it needs to be done. I shall see how today goes first. My levels of anxiety are awful.

Hi there,
I am currently going through therapy.
So many times I have been scared of going in to see her, once I froze on the pavement outside and we did the first 20 minutes of the session standing outside because my feet wouldn't move.

I had to tell her that something she had said had caused me to cry for most of the week.
I don't trust her but only because I can't trust anyone, each time I let her a bit further in I have panics about what she is going to do with the information, how much she is going to probe me about it, I doub;e and triple check who she has told and what notes she has made. And most weeks she sends me away with a handwritten letter inviting me to return the next week because nothing I have said would or has made her feel that she doesn't want to see me again.

We are slowly going through the layers of who I am. it is taking a long time we have now got to the bit that I don't know/can't let myself be.

what I am trying to say is that things are usually uncovered during the process, she will not judge you for having something you need to deal with that is different to your initial chats.

Good luck, I hope you manage to work through this. You are in exactly the right place to talk about it, with her you are safe andsecure and it is totally confidential.

Attention seeking? There is no such thing. If you need help, you need help. Remember most of her patients will discover bigger issues during the course of counselling. It's absolutely normal. It's how counselling works. Don't be afraid. She will NOT judge you, how could she, it's her job not to judge people!

oh meant to add I would copy you post
twoisplenty Wed 02-Sep-09 08:13:04

and email that text to her I think she will totally understand anyway but that email will give her a head start to how you are feeling tomorrow.

And you have not 'lied' to her. You are discovering truths with her help. Again, that's how it's supposed to be. I agree, she might not be at all surprised.

email her if that is what you feel comfortable with. Or tell her in person if you'd rather.

It really is up to you.

I found shoving a handwritten note at her very effective - for me. She read it and was kind.

COuncellers ARE kind in all the right places.

My friend went to my counceller 5 years ago, and shouted at her for being too intrusive.

a year ago she went back, to the same counceller and explained about the abuse that had been hiding in her head - abuse that the counceller had been digging around the edges of, and the counceller helped her immeasurably.

They are not there to tell you that you're wrong and bad. They are there to help, and they do.

If you feel you are "attention seeking", have you thought that maybe it's because your heart knows you need attention?

That's how I felt - like an attenntion seeker. I kind of was tentatively seeking attention, without meaning to. That's because I was in desparate need of attention!

I really needed support this morning, so shaky, and I have got it. A very heartfelt thank you to you all. I really needed this.

Ok, so I have to face it. I think you are all right.

I shall think about a letter or email. I think it would help.

Bythepower (how did you come by this name?!) I applaud and am in awe of your courage. I hope things get better for you soon, and you get to a calm sunny place very soon.

Colditz - you are so right. We (counsellor and I) have already identified that I take no care of myself, in many areas of my life, I look to everyone else's needs first, but instead of finding time for me, I ignore and push away any care for myself. It's ingrained.

I only went to the counsellor in desparation because I got to the point where I was in tears a lot, and left the house 3 times in one week, to escape. Just left the children at the dinner table, I couldn't cope. (My dh was there, so I knew they would be ok, if not perplexed!)

Thank you again, I need this support.

You are sounding a bit clearer in your thoughts

I changed my name to this because I felt I needed to summon up some power to carry on and in a wierd moment all I could think of was heman he has lent me the powerof greyskull! Silly I know

You sound like you are starting to make real progress with her anyway, if you are beginning to see things that you hadn't seen before Well done

Twoisplenty, I"ll be thinking of you. all the best.

OK, I have written a letter to my counsellor. I have decided to hand it to her during the meeting so I have control over the meeting a bit.

Thanks again for today, it has been so so helpful and really kind, everyone.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

I shall be back tomorrow after the meeting. It's at 5.30pm.

Well done

twoisplenty I have far too much to face, I actually deal with my ed reasonably well by focusing on dealing with that rather than the real issues and causes, hence I suppose why it never really goes away, I am probably not really a good person to give out advice if you consider my methods of dealing with problems.

I agree with Feierabend's point about no such thing as attention seeking. This is something that was actually covered really well on somethingfishy when I was on it. People with eating disorder's kind of distort 'attention seeking' somewhat I think. Ther seems to be a general feeling of not wanting to seem selfish and attention seeking whilst activly pursuing illness. To seek attention to positively address that and get better is...how attention seeking should be. (*note to reader...see above paragraph for descripion of why this is possibly rambling rubbish I am writing!)

Thanks Feierabend, you are very kind.

Manatee, I also "do" an ed (ok, so I have now admitted that I have one), and it really effectively avoids dealing with everything else. Now I am concentrating really hard on avoiding food, all my other problems have magically disappeared! It feels like I am comforted and cushioned from things.

The reality is that I am scared, shaking uncontrollably atm, and I am scared of feeling ill and weak. I can't afford to feel ill, but I can't eat either. Hence being scared. I am being controlled.

Wierd isn't it, how on the one hand it feels like the ulitimate control, and then on the other, it is being controlled. That hit me most when I decided to recover...I thought it would be as simple as making that decision, and when it wasn't and I realised I was being controlled, I freaked out.
It is the perfect escape, it really does remove you from the world, only that is not a good thing when you have children. And probably not really ever a good thing if you want to live a life, get over problems and move on.
All this I am saying, but am very much aware that the doing part is not at all simple.

twois plenty - hope your meeting today has gone well.

The counsellor rang to cancel.

She was very good though, it was an emergency situation, and she suggested an appointment next week at the same time. I said that things have changed, and I can't sleep, and am so anxious, and can't eat. She promised to see me within the next 48 hours.

I cried for a bit, because I was desperate to feel better. I feel ill. I am in a daze.

I had psyched myself up to facing the situation with her, and now I have to wait and prepare myself again.

This morning was particularly bad after a bad night with hardly any sleep, I couldn't stop shaking, I don't want to feel this way.

Fortunately my friend and her children have been with me all day, and the children were wonderful, playing together so we could be alone to talk and rest (she is going through bad times with her marriage). She and I are so tired.

Oh no, sorry to hear she had cancelled.

(((HUG)))