I am frightened to talk to my counsellor about this

[twoisplenty]

I have been seeing a counsellor for 5 sessions. It has been ok so far, but last week I finally blurted out that I have a problem with anxiety around food. I didn't say much more.

But I had anorexia years ago, and never talked about it to anyone (even my mum) except for a counsellor who helped me out of the mire.

It feels so frightening to talk about this. It is such a private thing.

And it is a shock to me that, now I have been honest with myself, that I do have a problem. Not the same as before, but still have issues around food and eating enough etc.

How am I going to get through the next session? I am just in shock and so scared.

The counsellor did ask me if my avoiding eating had anything to do with control. Well, no it doesn't (it definitely used to) but it does have a lot to do with coping.

It is past midnight and I am wide awake. So worried. I am not seeing her until Thursday.

Thanks for reading.

twoisplenty

I have been seeing therpists for about 3 yrs and only in the last year have I felt safe to tell them things. I keep a journal and when i find it difficult to explain myself (which happens a lot - I just clam up) I give them the journal to read so they know exaclty what's going on. It took some time to do this but now that I have i wish I'd done it earlier.

But thats always the way and one of the most important lessons I've learnt is go at your own pace. Take it easy and it will happen eventually - don't try and rush it.

I originally went for an ED. I still have this but they are dealing with sexual abuse issues first and then I will tackle the ED or it may improve as a result of the other stuff.

Take care. It's not easy so don;t be hard on yourself.

Thank you adelicatequestion. My counsellor has asked me to keep a journal, but I haven't asked her why!! But it's such a good idea to write things down, it puts things clearly into perspective (sometimes) and yes, I would think that passing that to the counsellor would be very helpful.

I did write things down once, and pass it to her, shaking violently at her imagined reaction. And she was so so kind and calm. Lovely. I trust her now because of that.

It's hard, isn't it? So much to deal with all at once. Overhwelming.

I hope you continue to progress.

I always thought having an ED was a teenage type thing (mine started when I was 16). It's quite a revelation that there are lots of us dealing with this for years and years. It's a crap way of coping, but it works!!!

It took me 3 yrs to start writing. Maybe that was denial? Now that I do it I just write whatever comes into my head. It doesn;t even make sense sometimes, but I have known my hterapist to pick something up that is important when I hadn;t realised.

She doesn't always read it. But when I hit a sticking point or like recently when I told her I wanted to tell her something but I couldn't make myself because I found it too embarassing, then she read it. This helped tremendously and I had a big healing time from this. It was the most difficult "outing" I had but I got the most healing from it.

ED are definitely not teenage things. I'm in my 40s and have suffered with it all my adult life. You are definitely not alone in this.

"ED are definitely not teenage things. I'm in my 40s and have suffered with it all my adult life. You are definitely not alone in this." You know, that just made me want to cry...it's such a horrid thing to cope with, on top of everything else. Sorry you are having to go through it. But nice at the same time that there is a shared understanding, because how on earth could anyone else understand it?

I am going to sort the children out now, they are having a lovely lazy morning (ie. not dressed etc!). I am planning on taking them and dh to the garden centre to choose bulbs for the garden...looking forward to that. And I am going to make jam for the first time in my life, and if it goes well then I have sorted out Christmas presents!!

I have just re-read that last paragraph....I am officially OLD!!

twoisplenty

Oh gosh - didn;t mean to make you cry!

Your day sounds good. Are your children old enough to help you with the jam? That's the things they will remember when they are adults. Good on you.

It is good to share with people who understand. Much as DH tries to support me - he will never understand it in the same way as someone who has been through it.

Have a great day and weekend.

I hate that myth that Eds are teenage things. I have met people irl, and online with Eds, ranging in age from far too young to 65! I don't think it ever goes away, but can be managed, sometimes to the point that it is hardly even there, but sometimes pops up in certain situations, that need recognising.

I'm glad your dh is being understanding. That is really good. My ExH was NEVER understanding about my eating issues, quite the opposite in fact!

I made the jam!!! It took....9 hours.

I think that's why people usually buy it in the shops! I need to make some more, still got loads of damsons, but this time I know what I am doing a bit more, so I should manage it in 3 or 4 hours I think. But it worked, and it has set.

This has inspired me. We have just picked apples from the garden, and I am looking at recipes for apple/mixed fruit chutney.

Christmas presents will be sorted in no time. And I am enjoying it, along with a little help from the dc (they are 10 and 6 but the 10yo has cerebral palsy, so can only help a little anyway).

Yes, the myth of ed being reserved for young people...I suppose I am still shocked that I have managed to get myself in this position again, and I feel too old for this! I should have found a better coping mechanism. But there you go.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend.

I have had a bit of free time the last hour, so I looked at the fish website for ED-NOS. Hmmm. Good. But a bit worrying. I was shocked at how many of the things connected with anorexia are things I say/do. I was thinking maybe I was having issues with an ed, but not really too bad...mistake. And the thing my counsellor said still goes round and round my head: "this issue will take some time to resolve". I was kidding myself that it would be easy. I feel a bit crushed. It's the control thing, isn't it? Is it really controlling me?

I keep thinking that I could discuss this with a friend, but I am deluding myself. It took all of my courage to tell the counsellor, I couldn't possibly open up to my friends, but I feel it's such a lonely disorder. But that's the point of it I suppose. I am so fed up today. Bad day. Better tomorrow I hope.

I have thought that too when I first started looking at ed stuff online, there are some major traits that seem to always repeat in people with eds, some good, some less so.
I think the control is kind of two way actually. I'm sure 'medical professionals' would claim eds control us, but that is not entirely true. That makes it seem like you just have to go with it and wait for someone to come along with a meal plan and a load of prozac, or a bed in IP and a tube, when actually you can still take responsibility for yourself! It is all too easy to think it controls you entirely, and it does a lot, but there is always that bit of room for the other you, the logical one, to debate with the ed thoughts, to challenge it, to let yourself enjoy food, to just fight back in general, sometimes that part of you can seem lost, but it is never really gone.

You may find it is possible to talk to a friend irl eventually. When I was really bad it took me ages to tell my best friend. But now it is not too bad I don't mind telling people so much, not like in general conversation, but some people know now.

Anyway, glad the jam went well, that sounds very wholesome!

Thanks for the message Manatee. I agree with what you say, to a certain extent. I guess I am lacking in courage. But life is so overwhelming at the moment, I can't deal with letting this go. But I hate it at the same time.

twoisplenty

When I started asking questions like you are and having concerns that you have, my psychiatrist said that this was a good sign of progress and that I was ready to tackle things.

It was a very scary time, but now that I have, things are better. I will admit they got worse for a few weeks and I may relapse again.

I have since told a friend as part of my recovery was to set up some form of support network.

Take it at your own pace and only do what you feel you can. My rationale was I still have to cope with family, job etc.

Hope it all goes well for you.

Thanks adelicatequestion. I hope it is progress, it never seems like progress, does it? I am looking forward to the next counselling session, because I need her to help me over this "episode", the last 3 days have been very difficult with the ed, very anxious again, can't touch food again. Difficult.

HUG HUG HUG HUG!!!
You can and will do it now...cos you've told us! And now you can tell your counsellor...it doesn't have to be in words, she'll know if you let her!
Well done for being true to yourself.

HUG HUG HUG HUG!!

Hi eleanorrubysmummy. I did end up giving a letter to my counsellor, and it turned out that she was wonderful! Not judgemental as I had expected. Since then counselling has actually got harder for some reason. But I shall keep going because I want to get through to the other side. I want to feel really well. I loved the hugs!

Well done twoisplenty

The last 4 sentences you wrote could have been me 3 months ago!

I was writing exactly those things. It was getting harder,but I knew to get out the other side I had to go through the treacle and I wanted to live the life I wanted with my children and DH.

A few months on and I feel I am now on my way. There are some very hard and upsetting days, but I feel optimistic now (apart from the times when I'm crying my eyes out!!!).

I really do wish you well.

Thank you adelicatequestion. I appreciate your kindness. I have been reading your thread, I hope you are proud of yourself for having the courage to face these things. You are doing well, although I bet it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Facing things is so hard.

I am seeing the counsellor today, and I couldn't sleep after 3.30am. I am shaking now, and I'm not seeing her till 1.30pm. I am looking forward to tomorrow more because (hopefully) I am going for a walk with a friend. Walking feels good, it's very calming. Busy day today, so I suppose I had better get off mn!

I hope it goes well today.

Have you shared with her how anxious the thought of sessions make you feel. I'm sure she will reassure you.

I have a session today too.

It's also good to keep busy. Somethign I'm not good at when i feel bad. I tend to just leave everything and waste time thinking rather than doing something constructive.

Let us know how you get on?

Hi adelicatequestion. Feeling rather low about the counselling - I really wanted to tell her about my anxiety over my ed, and I just couldn't get the words out. She knew I was struggling, and she was gentle, but when she pushed me a little for info, I clammed up completely.

It's frustrating, because I don't know why I can't tell her. I guess I think she will judge me, but she didn't judge me last time. I shall try again next time. I know she doesn't want to focus on the ed behaviours, but to concentrate on the root causes, so I can feel better. But right now I feel out of control and worried. I need help with that and the root cause at the same time. I want it all fixed in a rush!

I shall pop over to your thread, and see how you are getting on!!

I am hating this I am hating this I am hating this

I can't sleep, I can't eat, my anxiety is terrible. i need to escape this.

twoisplenty, have you any rescue remedy in the house? If not, can you get some when the shops open? it is excellent for calming anxiety and fear and will help you to regain some composure.

For now, write down what you are feeling. I suggest you do a free-flow of writing, i.e. don't stop to worry about punctuation, spelling, grammar, or even sense - just let the words flow out of your brain and onto the paper as they happen. It can help to "empty your head" of cycling anxious thoughts, especially if you imagine the words/thoughts actually running down your arm onto the paper. Even if you end up writing oh shitohshitohshit over and over for 20 lines or more, it can help.

Another suggestion is to imagine your thoughts are powered by a small furry animal (e.g. a hamster) in a wheel. Currently your small furry animal is zooming on overtime - take it out of its wheel, pat it until it dozes off, tell it that it's ok to have a rest. The more detail you put into imagining this scenario, the more real it will become and the better chance yo have of getting your brain to shut off and let you sleep.

Good luck - and you're doing really well with the counsellor and yourself - you just need to remember to let things happen in their own time and in the right order to achieve maximum therapeutic outcome.

Thumbwitch thank you. Didn't expect a reply. Just writing things here. Have been like this since 3.30am. Counsellor calls it flooding (adrenalin maybe). Just had a good sob. Not cried for weeks. Can't cope. Destroying my marriage with this. Dh can only cope with so much seeing his wife get thinner and quieter. People will start to notice the weight loss. Feel stuck. Can't get out.

I like the hamster idea. Ido write things down when they come to mind. I feel better for crying.

Im not doing well with the counsellor. It's not getting better. I did not have anorexia before the counselling. I have made my situation worse, not better.

Still go this stupid voice in my head saying I am attention seeking, making it all up. That I could eat if I wanted to. I am desperate to feel better.

no no no - your counselling is going through due process.

Your feelings of attention-seeking are all part of the inner demon voice - ignore it! Have you seen cartoons where people have a demon on their shoulder telling them to do bad things? And an angel on the other, telling them not to? Consider the voice telling you bad things to be a demon - and tell it to piss off! Give your angel a prod as well - sounds like it needs a kick up the jacksy to come and balance out the demon's voice!

I am just reading a book called "inside I'm screaming" - not particularly relevant except that the main character also experiences voices in her head telling her that she's useless, pathetic, can't do anything, etc etc. Voices in your head should be told firmly: "Thank you for your input. Now piss off." Pretty much like people should say to any interfering external influence who attempts to make one feel bad about oneself.

Your chemistry is all over the place at the moment and it can have some very dodgy effects on your appetite. Stress will cause rapid utilisation of vital nutrients, and loss of certain nutrients is linked with depression and some mental health conditions. Zinc and iron are 2 such nutrients (and zinc is an even bigger pita because a deficiency of that affects appetite, tastebuds, production of hydrochloric acid in the stomach and therefore digestion); and another important group are the essential fatty acids. Of course, having limited dietary intake of any food will limit your nutrient intake as well, which can exacerbate the problem. When you do eat, try to make sure it is as nutrient-dense as possible, and contains protein and essential fatty acids - nuts are good for this, especially walnuts.

You are not regressing - you are trying to take control of your feelings of anxiety in the default way that your body knows how - it will pass as the anxiety resolves. Do try the rescue remedy - I know it might sound whacky but I have used it on various sceptics with excellent effect (including my Dad when we learnt that Mum was terminally ill).

Stay with it - your DH will be able to cope if he knows that at the end of it you will be better - remind him of that, and say that it is like having a fever - you have to reach the crisis of the fever before it breaks and you can get better again. He has to be patient, as do you.

Post what you like here - I am in Australia so am often on when UK folk are asleep!

YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE - IT WILL WORK OUT.

two is plenty

HUGs HUGs HUGs

Sorry you had such a bad time. I understand the need to rush and the clamming up. I have been thre many times, inlcuding yesterday at my session.

It will get easier. Thumbwitch has put brilliantly what I would have said. I cna;t emphasise enough the benefit I got from writing it all down. I would go to my bedroom, cry, sob and write just whatever I was feeling. Absolutely everything no matter how stupid I thought it was.

Also keep in your mind that it will pass. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Share it with your DH if you can. Mine is much more supportive now he understands some of what I'm going through.

Keep writing here. I out of work today so won;t get on here much but I'll try to check in later.

Take care

Thank you so much for listening. It helps a lot.

Rescue remedy - I need the chemist today, so I shall ask if they sell it. What do you do with it? (is it a bach remedy??)

Thumbwitch - you are very focussed and knowledgeable. And very reassuring. I can actually visualise when I am better and happy. But I can't wait that long, I feel like I am sinking. I am going to make myself ill. And I am going to spoil the holiday in 2 weeks. And spoil everything at home.

My dh looked cross this morning, so I decided to take charge and talk about things. To cut the conversation we had short, he said that I was happy when with friends and isolate myself and am quiet at home, basically ignore my dh. I told thim that it is a facade with friends but when at home I needed to be me, and to feel the real feelings I have. I reassured him that I love him, but I am not doing anything intentionally to upset him. Finally I told him that I was unable to give anything at the moment, but I needed to receive love. I had to tell him to give me hugs and love and care, and that I would reciprocate but he would have to give me the tlc.

I can't believe I had to spell it out to him. But at least he knows now. He does not understand the ed, and recently I invited him to read about it but no luck so far.

Feeling calmer now the sun is up, and children are at school!! I am going for a walk with a friend at 11am, and it's a lovely day, so it all helps. I would like to tell my friend what is going on, but I fear I won't get the words out. It would be so nice not to feel alone, but I don't think I could say it.

Thank you adelicatequestion. I'm sorry your counselling was hard work, sometimes it feels like taking one step forward and two steps back. But from your other thread it sounds like you have recently made huge progress and, although it gives you bad feelings and tears, it all needs to come out. You have repressed it for a long time. It's so good to have someone (counsellor) on your side to lean on. That's how I feel. Wishing you all the best.