I am frightened to talk to my counsellor about this

[twoisplenty]

I have been seeing a counsellor for 5 sessions. It has been ok so far, but last week I finally blurted out that I have a problem with anxiety around food. I didn't say much more.

But I had anorexia years ago, and never talked about it to anyone (even my mum) except for a counsellor who helped me out of the mire.

It feels so frightening to talk about this. It is such a private thing.

And it is a shock to me that, now I have been honest with myself, that I do have a problem. Not the same as before, but still have issues around food and eating enough etc.

How am I going to get through the next session? I am just in shock and so scared.

The counsellor did ask me if my avoiding eating had anything to do with control. Well, no it doesn't (it definitely used to) but it does have a lot to do with coping.

It is past midnight and I am wide awake. So worried. I am not seeing her until Thursday.

Thanks for reading.

it is a Bach flower remedy, yes - and you should be able to get it from the chemist.

I have several levels of knowledge, if you like - I have had counselling, I have trained as a counsellor (but not the whole way), I have trained in NLP and I taught nutrition.

Well done for spelling it out for your DH - don't be too hard on him for not understanding, men tend to be a bit non-thinking at the best of times and at least he listened to you. Hope he can give you the support you need, and the space (more to the point).

twoisplenty

How was your walk? I have been advised to do more physical stuff -swimming, massage etc.

Don;t have the money at the moment for massages though!

I have the bach flower remedy and have used it. I was surprised the chemist stocked it. I have it in my bag ready for use! Thank you for the tip.

My walk was lovely adelicatequestion. The weather was perfect for it, sunshine and fairly warm. We chose to walk by the canal and it was peaceful, no-one around. My friend is very calming and lovely (the same friend who kindly took me to my counselling session one time when I was too anxious to drive). I appreciate my friends so much.

I managed to talk to my sister last night. We are going out together on Sunday, so I knew she had to know what is going on. I am not sure what stamina I will have for walking all day (shopping day out), my energy is getting low now. She was wonderful, understanding and calm. She made me cry she was so soothing and lovely. I am so lucky. Wish my parents were like that. They are never going to know what is going on. They would be the last people to know.

Busy day today. I am so tired. I keep waking up at 3.30am. But at least I managed to stay in bed this time, and tried to relax.

Glad you enjiyed the walk. Sometimes it's teh little things we don't do often enough.

Were you able to tell your friend or does she know already?

Sounds like you support in your sister as well.

I hope it all goes well

I did manage to tell my friend, after a few false starts. She was very calm and understanding thankfully.

My day wasn't too bad, but the anxiety was bad tonight, and it ended with me in tears. But it feels better now. A bit of relief.

Yes going for a walk is soothing, and I would like to do it again.

So tired. I fell asleep this afternoon and woke up in panic - five minutes late for my ds coming home!! The taxi was in the drive, with my ds escort wondering where I was...

(Ds has a taxi to and from his special school, with a lovely escort for him btw).

Here I am again. I keep waking up at around 4.00am every morning, heart pounding, panicking. I have no idea what I am panicking about. But after and hour I have to get up because I can't calm down. I need to find a way to stop this cycle, I am understandably exhausted by midafternoon. I hate this feeling of panic and the general underlying anxiety that won't go away.

have you tried taking a hit of the rescue remedy when you wake up? If not, give it a go next time it happens.

twoisplenty

I had that too. I would wake up panciking and feeling sick but not know what it is about. Give it a bit of time and talk to your cencelor about it happening.

I was told it was because things were bubbling to the top and that may be the case for you.

I found the following helpful when waking in the middle of the night:

1. Tell myself it is panic and it will pass
2. breathe in for a count of 3 or 4
3. breathe out for a count of 5 or 6

The number of counts doens;t matter as long as the count out is more than the count in.

Sorry it's hard for you at the moment. Keep talking about it and it will get better.

Thumbwitch - I forgot about the remedy today. Next time (mostlikely tomorrow) I shall put it next to the bed. I have used it a few times already, yesterday. I will go and have some now, I have been anxious now for 6 hours...I am so tired. I had a bath to calm down, which helped a bit.

sorry - had a bit of a problem spelling councellor!

Thank you adelicatequestion. That sounds good (the breathing technique). My mind races, my heart pounds. In the end I get up and listen to music on the ipod, and come on mn! Not many people around at 4 - 6am, but it's good to read and it takes my mind off things.

Hope you have a good day today (and that goes for everybody!)

I was going to say, have you ever done yoga? Cos yogic breathing (pretty much what ADQ said) can help to restore calmness as well.

Hope you have a better night tonight, anyway - put the Rescue remedy by your bed so you have it to hand if you wake up in a panic again.

No, never done yoga. The idea of being in a public place doing bendy things with my body fills me with fear!!!

Talking of fear, this week has been so bad for anxiety. It's none stop, I can't switch it off. I was so tired that I went to bed this afternoon, and left dh to the childcare. I feel drained.

I am having thoughts and memories come at me at all hours, and I'm trying to analyse them, fit them into place. Sometimes it makes me cry a little. I am not sure how this is helping but it must be a normal reaction to therapy?

I am out with my sister tomorrow, so I hope it goes ok. I love being with my sister, so it should be fine.

twoisplenty I have read your thread and I find it quite heart breaking ~ I was like this 2 to 3 yrs ago after my ds had a horrible accident and everything went wrong.
It was so painful having the high anxiety and not being able to sleep and eat.
I have not had an ed btw ~ with me it was the distress and anxiety that caused me to stop eating and sleeping.I just continually thought about the accident from the moment I woke to falling asleep and each minute was agony and spent avoiding the worst thoughts.

I was wondering if you have anything very painful that is at the root of this,and if so maybe this is you processing it as much as your mind can take,and will bring peace and calm when it loses its power over you.

I just wanted to let you know that this will get better and you will feel happy again and to hang on in there.

twoisplenty

What you describe is exactly how I'm finding it with my therapy.

One minute I can be fine, then days of not sleeping, crying at odd times.

It is the process and it is painful, sometimes extremely so.

Just keep telling yourself that it will pass and you'll be in a far better place.

That's what i'm trying to do but not always successful with it.

labyrinthine - that's so good of you to post this to me, it really helps to know that you did get better. How long did it take to feel better? I am sorry you had to go through such a rough time. I hope things have improved. To answer your question, yes, there are a lot of issues I have to face, my councellor has told me it will take some time to get through it all. Traumatic childhood, depression, ed, finally met a wonderful dh only to have a brain-damaged child two years later, with all the trauma that brings with it, grief, guilt, worry, exhaustion etc. Fighting the LEA, fighting the system for my ds ... never ending battles. Phew.

I am seeing the counsellor tomorrow.

adelicatequestion - it's exhausting having counselling, I never realised. It's all consuming. But I know it will be worth it. I shall see what my counsellor says about lack of sleep...I don't suppose there's much can be done, I guess it is just a matter of time and patience, like everything else.

thoughts coming at you from all over the place, including memories that are long-"forgotten" is indeed part of the process. In a nutshell, you have opened a Pandora's box of a lot of stuff that you have had happen to you, and that would affect your day-to-day life if you thought about it all the time. So you locked it all away until you had the strength to deal with it.

That time is now - so the box is leaking stuff out, bit by bit - and you have the choice of dealing with it as it comes out or sitting on the lid. The thing about sitting on the lid (repressing it) is that it takes as lot more effort in some ways, and sometimes it is good to let things out so that the box is empty.

Another analogy - it's like a spot that never properly heals; the surface heals over but the spot is still there under the surface, and so keeps erupting until you get all the shit out. THEN the wound can heal properly.

You are doing really well - take the rescue remedy with you to the counsellor session as well, so that if you start to get anxious or distressed, you can take some immediately.

Thumbwitch

That is a really good explanation of what happens.

Hope your session goes well today.

2ip - hope your session went well, or better - and that you're ok

How did your session go twoisplenty?

I have another one tomorrow.

Thumbwitch, I can relate to the Pandora's box analogy. I have only lifted the lid a little (I have only had 9 counselling sessions) but there are powerful emotions connected to what is in the box. So the counsellor is opening it up very gently. Even so, it's a lot to contend with.

The last counselling session was quiet, I wanted to talk about practical things like anxiety affecting sleep, rather than emotional stuff.

So I feel calmer this week because I haven't got loads of memories to contend with. I am sleeping better thank goodness, I am waking around 5am still with heart racing, but then it calms down. All day I have ongoing mild anxiety, but I can cope with that ok.

As for the ed, it's horrid and I haven't got to grips with that yet, really worried about the holiday meal times (hols in 9 days...)

Hope your session goes ok today adelicatequetion.

Glad you're feeling a bit calmer. It's a horrible thing to go through.

I talked today about my impatience and wanting it all to be fixed and I think I got upset because I realised this is going to take years rather than a few months which is what I expected.

I can offer another analogy if it will help you feel a bit better - look at it like achieving permanent weight loss. If you do it too fast, when you stop, the weight just comes back, usually more than before - if you do it at the right speed and just lose a little at a time, it gives you time to adjust properly and then it stays off.

Same thing, only in a mind context, not a body context.

So I could be like this for years? I can't cope with this for that long...it's not the anxiety that really bothers me, I can manage that with all of the techniques the counsellor and you lovely mn people have told me about. Its the ed. It's nasty. I hate it. It's got to go. But I'm trapped in it. I realised that especially yesterday when I thought I was feelling better, ate a substantial (for me) breakfast, then one hour later I felt dreadful about it, panic etc, and have eaten nothing since. Just the thought of being in a cafe or restaurant on holiday (one week to go) fills me with fear. What am I going to do? I know there is no answer to this btw, but I am struggling.

Twoisplenty

It seems hard at the moment and you may be getting closer to the real issues which is making you more anxious.

I have been there and it will get hard before it gets easier. It may take years to be fully in control of it, but it won;t take years to start to feel better.

I have had some hyp[notherapy sessions in between my other stuff which has helped. I searched out a hypnotherapist and NLP master practitioner. I think this helped me speed up the process a bit, but it amde thepandora's box lid open up a bit more than with the counselling so be careful what you can cope with. I was quite determined that I wanted these feelings gone adn would go through any pain to get there.

You may prefer a gentler approach as many people do.

Keep posting and we will help wherever we can. Just keep doing what you are able to.