Does anyone else regret having children?

[Zahora]

Does anyone else regret having your child? I loved my old life. My husband really wanted a child and I put it off for so long, just knowing that it's not my calling. I gave in after so many rows thinking I would adjust. It was either that or leave my husband whom I loved very much. My son is 2 years old and it has been such a lonely and desperate struggle. I feel like my wonderful life has turned upside down. I still do not feel like a mother. I look after my son full time, I even breastfed for a year, yet it just feels so ...hollow. It's not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son. I hate playing in the park. I want to go to a gallery. I hate watching peppa pig- I want to read a novel. I hate going to playgroups - I want to have lunch with freinds. I do everything I can for my son and he is lovely. Yet motherhood so far has left me feeling like I have been conned out of my real life. Will life ever return to normal. Will my son feel that I am detached? I don't think I'm depressed. Has anyone else felt like this?

Great post (and news!) Morris

You'll be pleased to know that yes, it does get even better. DS is nearly 5 and what a difference all the milestones make. Thing is, no-one actually tells you just how bloody many milestones there are do they? I sort of assumed that it meant the two biggies, walking/talking but nooo noooo noooo, it's the equivalent of a round the world trip.

I'm still waiting for the arse wiping/dry at night ones (amonsgt, I'm sure, the billion others that have yet to reveal themselves)

I'm also on the "no fucking way am I having any more" bus. Apart from my set in stone retirement plans, my wish on the horizon is to have a lie in on a Sunday morning, with breakfast in bed, surrounded by the Sunday papers, staying there until Radio 2 has finished the musicals programme (sans Elaine Paige preferably)

Elaine Paige every freakin' time for me Shakey, if the alternative is Barbara Windsor.

But yyy to the long lie. Oh yes. My own parents stayed in bed until 12 on both days at the weekend, leaving sibs and I to run feral. Never did us no 'arm.

Also (not trying to be smug), my DP is sport mad, and is already champing at the bit to get DS into footie, golf, cricket, cycling, golf, golf, and golf. I see my future: 'here's your packed lunch darling, have a great game. See you at teatime'.

Yipeeeeeee! Bed/ shops/ Starbucks, here I come. And I'm bringing a Grazia. And an iPad.

Oh I don't know who I dislike more, Elaine (and her infuriating chortle) or Barbara (and her infuriating chortle) or Michael Balls (and his...well...he's just all round infuriating)

Yes, DH is rugby mad so I too look forward to waving them off at the doorstep then spraying a bit of Plegde around the gaff five minutes before they're due home.

I love the days when no one is here I honestly couldnt be happier - just me and the dog! Two young boys and a selfish hubby who is so focused on his fitness and his own goals. So calm, no screaming, fighting and demands on me. I'm an older mum and lucky to have children really as many of my friends have divorced and havent found a new partner and its too late.

But I can say hardly any positive about them and being a mum. Everyday is a battle, a battle with constant planning, worrying, business, not going out as too much to do, the 3.00 pressure to leave the home. I love them dearly, yet I have no enjoyment with them, I hate having my weekends just doing things for their enjoyment, not doing or going anywhere as they are too mad to take out, too young for certain things and too loud for other just wild little boys that I am constantly trying to teach good manners & etiquiette. Even days out are horrible and not enjoyable.

Sadly, if we can afford it I would love to send them to boarding school. The thought of freedom, working and joining a gym getting proper fit, so selfish I know.

I honestly dont think it helped having two shit births and the last one left me so low for about 6 months and so gutted. Plus hubby not a baby person so constant jabs and comments about him. Hubby not a child person either. So he escapes out and works so I'm left 95% of the time doing it all not as I had planned. I've always thought if the boys left home at 16 then I would just do what I wanted to not worry about him and his needs.

I can see now why so many mums lose their confidence, get fat, take ADs.....its not a great life totally over rated. Yet, not sure if I would of felt gutted if we hadnt any.

I feel I'm always hiding my true feelings, no one knows how I feel.

Well ?what a Topic! I am glad there are mothers out there who are not afraid to admit it! I feel there is a lot of hypocrisies around motherhood. A lot of women pretend motherhood is this brilliant and magical status, but for me it has not been like that.
My son is only 11 months old, and I have been back at work full time since he was 7 months now. Grandma looks after him (my partner?s mum) 3 days a week and the other 2 days I work from home..which means logging in when he sleeps (if he does) and after he is gone to bed in the evening to pick up what I have not been able to do during the day.
I admit my life was a lot easier and happier before, I had no worries, I was able to do whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. But if I had to be honest what I missed most (especially the first few months) was having time to be there for my partner all the time. Then my DS came along and even sharing a cup of tea on the sofa started to become a struggle. I remember the first few months lying in bed at night while breastfeeding DS and looking at my partner and crying because all I wanted to do was cuddling him and kiss him..but I couldn?t because I had my son constantly attached to my breasts. My DS was not an easy newborn, he would fight sleep, he wanted to be in my arms all the time and I did hated that, I hated having to be completely responsible for another human being?and I hated being alone with him the whole day.
I also fantasized a lot about running away and leaving DS with my partner (he is a very good dad) ?but then I remembered the way I felt when my mum left and never came back when I was 14(after 20 years I still do not know where she is) and I just cried and cried and cried for days, weeks and months..I am still trying to recover now that I am back at work from all those horrible thoughts I had towards my newborn baby.
The thing is I was naïve, I went into motherhood without having a clue of what it really meant, hoping a loving relationship and ?enough? money would be enough ?but it was not.
This child almost broke me, almost broke my relationship with my partner (10 years of happiness!) ?.but he never asked to be born so I looked at myself in the mirror and said ?this is it, you ll never have another one for sure, so make the most of it and ride it through!?.
I still have moments where I do miss my old life, but I know little by little, as my very clingy baby grows up I ll get more and more time back for myself, for my partner ?and I ll also have a son who loves me dearly and who I love back.
I have also learned to give a lot of respect to people ( mothers and fathers)who bring up children on their own (while before I was almost looking down on them) because I would never be able to do it.
Life is definitely not going to be the same ever again?but I guess that?s what life is about, you grow, you change and bring to the world someone else to do it all over again?
I am glad there are other women out there who feel the same as I did, because that was a very lonely and scary place to be and I do not think there is enough support out there to help new mothers coping with all these feelings. I definitely never got any help from my HV, GP or Midwife?.I just got a prescription for AD which thanks? God I chucked in the bin.
Motherhood is no joke?but once you get used to it ( I am still not 100% used to it) it gets slightly easier. I think for me what really helped was going back to work and going back to Italy - where I am from to see my family and friends as often as possible....you need a strong support system around, otherwise is very easy to sink. Shame all these things I have learned will be of no use..as I am definitely not going through this ever again. I love my DS, but just the though of being pregnant and go through the first year all over again is enough to not make me want any more children.
Thanks for sharing Ladies!

I'm both glad and not that I found this thread. This is my first time on this site. I'm 5 weeks pregnant and torn over whether to go through with it.

I've never been maternal and my husband is also ambivalent about children. But, I'm 36, so after years of wavering, we finally decided to stop actively preventing conception and 'see what happened', both presuming that we'd be happy with any outcome. However, I got pregnant very quickly and now we're so unsure about what to do. We worry about the sacrifices we'd have to make for a child we're not even sure we want. Most of my friends, and our siblings, have kids and there's very little about their lives that we envy. I find children boring and annoying (sorry!). Our friends and siblings are also all mostly far better off than us and can still afford holidays and material goods, things we'd probably have to give up to have a child. We're very happy and emotionally fulfilled by our marriage. We are financially fine, but don't have much left over each month, so a child would stretch us. But, are we just being fearful of the unknown? Will it be the 'best thing that ever happens' to me as friends say? Will it just make our already strong relationship even deeper and better? Or will I regret it terribly as many here seem to. We are particularly worried about having a child with a disability or learning difficulties, something we are sure we could not cope with.

I'm so confused about what to do and I have no idea how to make the decision whether or not to go ahead with this pregnancy. We love our life, so why would we change it?

The trouble is CityDweller you never know how you are really going to feel about it until its too late and you have the baby. I echo your feelings about disability etc. as that just puts so much extra pressure on everyone. Will you have the tests do you think? good luck with whatever you decide.

CityDweller - I felt the same before DS1 was born - I had no rose tinted view I was scared and so was OH. I was 34 when DS1 was born and 37 DS2 and I had no worries on the disability yet I did have an amnio has I wasn't willing to take the risk. Both myself and partner have no history at all with medical problems so I was positive. Both pregnancies went extremely well and to be honest I loved it, I loved the fuss, I loved the excitement. But was concerned that they would ruin my life too.

I wasnt in love with them when first born - I sort of felt like I just had to do my duty. I wasnt like other mums even though i loved them I didnt have that 'bond'.

Its a hard one for you as no one can answer it. Can you imagine life without children that when your old?
No it wont make your relationship stronger, its a battle - a battle to agree on certain things, a battle for 'me' time, a battle to enjoy time together, so unless you live in a 'perfect' world then its constantly a battle to get through the day. On the other-hand its not all negative there are joys and times to share.

People do balance it all work/children/money/freetime and it is about working together. Lucky if you have close family too. Very important and essential you have hobbies and sports as you need to escape and release tension.

I've also met some fab people through children, made some interesting friends yet I'm not one one for talking non stop about them. I do find them very annoying and flippin hardwork.

Not all mums are the same, its not a good maternal and bad non-maternal. I think we are all a mix but some people admit it more or show it more.

I understand how you are feeling and best of luck deciding on the right decision.

I think you should only have kids if you are 100% sure you want them and don't feel pressured by society or family. You also need to be in a good state of mind. If you suffer from depression think how you will feel when you are feeling very low but you have to look after a little person who is completely dependant on you. Will you be able to cope? Write out a list of pros and cons of having a child and be completely honest with yourself. Spend as much time as possible with other peoples children and observe the good as well as the bad.

CityDweller - I really can empathise...I came upon this thread last year when I had 10 weeks to go and felt exactly as you do now. I was also feeling the same about my great marriage, mediocre finances etc. The only difference was that hubby wanted kids and I didnt. I was 38. Im now 39, and DS is just about to turn 3 months. If you decide to go ahead my first word of advice is to try and stop stressing (hard I know) and enjoy the pregnancy - chances are you'll never to do it again so do try to enjoy the wild, but magical ride it is. I wish I'd done that. I was worried about dissabilities too (esp. as I enjoyed a few, ahem, beverages early in the peice), but everything was fine. As I said in a recent post, where you are at in your life counts for alot on the outcome (I reckon) - I think being this age has helped heaps, theres no way I was emotionally, financially ready say even 5 years ago. But really its turned out better than I expected. There are some life goals that are gonna have to wait for awhile (like travelling), but I am already envisioning how the 3 of us will go together when DS is a bit older to do stuff Ive always put off because of work anyway. I have a great reason now to finally just do it. Ahhrggg - its so tough isnt it? It dosent matter what anyone says, cause' only you will know if you get there yourself what it will be like. I can only tell you I havent found it too bad cause' I was mentally prepared for the worst.

Thank you all so much. I thought I was the only one in the world that felt this way. I wish I could go back in time but can't. I don't enjoy being a mother at all. I hate it. Yes-every single day, every hour, every minute is a battle with myself, to not run away or just end it all.

Depression is an evil illness-I fear the effect it has and will have on my current DS 16 months and child soon to be born (completely unplanned). I'm terrified of the whole thing. I am not cut out to be a mum. Never was.

Feeno - you must have some free time, time to have a hobby, some kind of escape?

You must find some escape route because it is strangling and as a mild depressive but havent suffered badly for a while I can understand how it feels. Does anyone know how you feel?

If your lucky to have family help then you must use it and find enjoyment in life again. If you have spare money then use a private nursery to have a break.

I'm struggling too more than my OH knows, my children seem to have joy in constantly being horrible and wild. Everything I hated about other peoples children have now become mine!!!

Feeno - your probably a better parent that youve given yrself credit for. I have done everything to the book, healthy pregnancy, routine, weaning to perfection, home cooked meals, social, etc but its a bit like spending time with a husband you want to divorce because you dislike him yet you are handcuffed to him forever!

Seriously, if you are suffering so badly then you should get help to address these feelings have you tried CBT? You sound like you really need it. Many of us on this thread are depressed because of the children not depressed from outside issues and glad you address the effect it could have on your children.

feeno Do you get much/any "you" time? Have you a supportive partner/family etc?

16months is stillan extremely challenging age, and with one on the way it's entirely understandable that you feel this way.

Can you tell us more about your situation/set up? Meanwhile, have some

I have v supportive family and DH tries his best but doesn't quite understand my problem. He gets the opportunity to miss DS as he goes to work and comes back just in time for bath/bedtime. He thinks DS is awesome-I really wish I felt the same.

My mental health isn't helping the situation but I've asked for help with that too. Home treatment come and check on me every couple of days and I have consultant psychiatrist from mother and baby unit that is fully aware of how shitty my state of mind is.

There is just soooo much going on in my family at the moment though I'm worried that my situation is just the ticking time bomb waiting to destroy everything. I have terrible AND, highly likely to have terrible PND which I don't think I really got over after DS was born, my sis gave birth to her first child nearly 2 weeks ago so my mum is helping her out at the moment, I'm due to pop in about 4-5 weeks with DC2 and my brother is due to get married with a proper big wedding planned for Dec. I just don't know how we're all going to cope/manage. It's all very poor timing and I just feel like its all going to end very badly for me-I'm just not a mummy person and I'm terrified of the baby I have t had yet. I've only visited my sis once since her son was born because its just too much reality for me to cope with right now...truly terrified

Wonderful ladies,
Been following this post for at least 18 months. You've made me feel less confused for which I thank you all. Similar story. DH wanted children, I didn't see the point, I had a great life. 4.5 years later here we are. I was right, I haven't had the light bulb moment and maybe I never will.
Feeno,
I remember being in a similar situation 2.5 years ago. Eldest child 21 months, 2nd child due, moving town at 37 weeks pregnant and completely depressed at the thought of child number 2. I didn't realise it then but I suffered from depression because I didn't want the kids but only talked to the GP recently - wish I had done it 2 years ago.
As other ladies suggest do try and find some time for your self. You have a lot going on but just try and pick one thing. Maybe get Hubbie to take your child all day saturday (are there any Dad's group where you live?) while you do something you really miss doing, even if it's just reading Hello/newspaper the whole day.

Anyway, I want to tell you it does get easier. By that I don't mean that you will suddenly love motherhood - I certainly don't but it's little things. My two keep each other company for 20-30 mins at a time now. I even found myself reading a book while with them yesterday .

Hi. I dont have children but have toyed with the idea for a while now.I am so relieved to have found this post and I am so glad that everyone has been honest. Ive always had a sneaking suspicion that all the mums I know wernt the happy bunnies they made out to be. How could they be surviving on hardly any sleep and dealing with screaming children day after day?

I have read this thread from top to bottom and found it hugely enlightening.

BUT in spite of the vast majority who do regret having children I cant help but find myself drawn to the idea. I am intrigued about myself being a mother, my husband being a father, its a role I cant imagine myself in and I think the reason is curiosity more than a natural 'desire' to have a child.

This probably isnt a good reason.

I am a very analytical person and have toyed with the idea of having children on and off for the last few years. My OH is fantastic with children. I worry more about myself as I am not naturally a maternal person and find young children annoying in general. I find myself being judgemental (if that was my son he'd never get away with that etc) but I also know that very rich of me to say sitting in my quiet, tidy house with the prospect of not very much planned for the evening other than a few glasses of wine and some telly...

Having a baby is OK-its the fact that this baby will grow into a toddler and eventually a teenager. I was horrible as a teenager and though I get on well with my parents now I worry that my child will turn out to be awful and pregnant at 13 or something dreadful. I have a friend whos children are teenagers and are the most delightful young people youd ever wish to meet. That what I want! But there are no guarentees are there...?!

A quick question- I dont have many friends, I have recently moved abroad and still settling in. Id have little in the way of support and two sets of extremely heartbroken grandparents on the other side of the world if we did decide to have children. People have advised that sometimes having children can be a social link. Or if Im isolated now will I just be eqaually as isolated just with a screaming baby instead?

I know this thread has been going a while, but I've only just come across it. I have cried most of the way through the thread, partly as it has highlighted my guilt at feeling the way I do, partly because I feel a sense of relief that I'm not the only one.

I really really wanted a family. At 18/19 all I wanted to do was get married and have 4+ children. Was convinced that I would feel happy and fulfilled. DH comes from a large family. We got married when I was almost 21, I finished my degree, got a job and we started ttc (actually technically we started ttc before I'd even finished uni though we didn't tell our families that!) As it turned out, we were subfertile so it took nearly 2 years to conceive. I loved the baby stage with DS1 and we decided we'd ttc again when he was 1. Found out I was pg with DS2 who was born just under 2 years later and I definitely had PND after he was born - saw GP who advised me to try other strategies before ADs. PND eased but I think my depression has just altered the way it presents itself. The more I read on here and other MH forums, the more I realise I am still suffering with PND.

I miss my old life so much (posted on a thread about that earlier today). I love my children and am so proud of them, but if I could turn back the clock I would. I realise how naive I was marrying at 20, having children, thinking life would be rosy. I miss being me, rather that DS1&2's mum. I am trying to have more 'me time' but even that doesn't seem to ease the hollow sadness and regret I feel. However, I don't know if it's the depression talking or me not being maternal. On the outside, nobody would know - I'm obviously a good actor - I do the happy SAHM thing, always a smile for people, glass half full type of person, but just feel so sad when I'm at home when nobody else can see me. I waste days at a time barely functioning when the children are at school. I feel like my brain has turned to mush - have forgotten most of what I studied at school. Couldn't get a stimulating job if I wanted to now - I have been applying for any jobs I can find just to help me out of this rut, but nothing.

Rationally I feel that family is the most important thing and ought to be my priority. Yet I only feel happy when I'm busy and engaged with things other than my family, whether it's volunteering at school, meeting friends for a hot chocolate or going away to my mum's for a couple of days without DH and the children (I love this). I feel awful for just wanting to leave it to my DH and run off into the distance. DH, by the way is wonderful and adores me and the boys. He is so supportive great with the children, hands-on, does far more than his fair share of domestic stuff because I find it so mind-numbing, and always has time for us. I honestly can't fault him, which compounds the guilt I feel about wanting to jack it all in .

OK, I can't even see the screen for tears now... I think I might need to go to see the GP tomorrow. This is ridiculous.

WonderInAloud in answer to your question - in my experience, it isolates you more. I had recently moved when I had DS2 and felt completely cut off. Family were miles away, no support network of friends. Tried a few baby groups but people already seemed to be in cliques and nobody spoke to me apart from the group leader. It was horrible. I stopped going to any of them as I hated it so much (yet with DS1 my experience was different, made some friends, one of whom I still see regularly). I wished I was living closer to family. In fact, it's very possible that had we been living nearer my support network, I would feel very different about my family to the way I do now - because we'd have people who could babysit occasionally, so DH and I would be able to go out, I could see my friends, I could probably get a job a lot easier as my hometown is a short train ride from London. Anyway, sorry to go on - you might find it helps you find friends, if the baby activities near you aren't too cliquey, but in my case - because I didn't already have family or friends around me, I just found it lonely and isolating.

Thanks twolittlemonkeys. Im sorry to hear you struggled. I guess it's luck of the draw then? Even as a single person iv struggled with a social network (I'm not the kind of person who's the life and soul of a party so to speak) but have a couple of friends I keep in touch with. I guess I'd hope to meet another isolated pregnant somebody to have coffee with and share the experience with but probably not a good idea to bank on that.

WonderinAloud - I would strongly advise you NOT to have children shortly after moving. I moved a few months after my ds1 was born and I went into a pretty catastrophic depression (I was totally out of it, hallucinating and just feeling absolutely awful). I missed my family terribly and I found the two big changes - having a baby (which is a life change you cannot really ever be prepared for) and moving was just the worst mix. Unfortunately just after ds2 was born our landlord sold the flat we were living in and once again, I got very depressed having to make such a big move after such a big life change. In my experience it is too many big changes in one go and I would not advise it.

Have been following this thread for some time, and I am so grateful for everyone's honesty.
I do not have children. Never thought I would. I am married to someone who never considered that he might not have kids one day. We discussed this at length both before and after getting married (and continue to now) but my feeling is that deep down he thinks I will change my mind.
Occasionally I do think that maybe we should - he would be fabulous as a father and he understands most of my reasons for not wanting to.
I had a mother who was depressed, unhappy, bitter etc. She has narc tendencies. My father just kept out of it for the most part and had many affairs. Eventually they split but not until I was in my late teens.
I have anxiety and depressive episodes. I just know that having a child would be mentally extremely tough for me, despite DH knowing this. I don't think he really understands what it would be like and my fears about this.
My friends who have (willingly! more or less) had children have been relatively honest with me as they know how I feel. They have had struggles and depression etc - almost all of them. And for the most part they weren't already dealing with mental health histories.
I fear for my marriage ultimately. I love him, but I am not capable of being so selfless as to put myself through it all for him.
I almost look forward to getting a bit older and finding that I am no longer able to have kids. Or I sometimes think that it may be a relief to find out that I can't. Which makes me feel like a very bad person obviously as there are people who would dearly love to be able to and can't.
Anyway, that's me. Am very grateful for this thread.

HavingAMaybe, I follow some other threads on here and joined to comment on this thread before I even saw your post, but I am in almost the same position.

I also experience depression, as did my parents, and I know that were I to have children, they likely would too. Quite apart from the fact I instinctively do NOT want to have kids.

What I originally came here to investigate, was whether there was a filp side to all the "you'll regret it if you don't have children!!" that I come up against. I wondered if anyone regretted that they did. It makes me really sad reading posts on here, thinking that some people are regretting having kids, I can't imagine what a struggle it must be if you feel that way, and it's not generally something that's talked about.

In my investigation into how other childfree people live, I've seen a lot of parents being so accepting about it, and not preaching evangelically that children are the only option in life, not spouting the usual "you're selfish / you'll change your mind" nonsense, and really trying to understand my point of view, and that's a lovely thing. I want to try and understand the parents' side of the experience too.

To all of you struggling with this, my heart goes out to you, and I hope you find a solution that works for you and your family.

Hi Havingamaybe

I feel exactly the same and don't know what to do about it. I told DH that we could start trying after Christmas though as he will never be happy with a childfree life.

I can't believe I've ended up in this situation. I've never understood people who got married and then had the kids chat only to be surprised that their views do not match. But I always thought I'd change my mind. Everyone bloody tells you you will! But it's all lies and if I ever tell someone they should have children when they aren't sure I hope a thunderbolt strikes me down. If it hadn't been for all those idiots (my lovely friends and family) and all the media constructs of a perfect nuclear family I wouldn't be married to someone who wants kids. I love him and it was so hard to find him and now I feel trapped!

How fantastic to see people being so honest about what seems to be almost a taboo topic. MsMoppet & Having a maybe I can totally relate to the incredibly difficult position you ladies are in. DH & I disliked kids to the same extent when we got hitched 14 years ago and I honestly thought it would never be an issue and then .....he changed his mind. To my shock and disbelief he got really broody when I was 35 and we went through an awful time. Initially I agreed to try and I'm not proud of the fact that I did as much mickey dodging as possible behind his back. Aside from the dodging, it soon became apparent that I was not getting pg and that there was a problem fertility wise. We went through 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs and I'm again ashamed to say that my heart was never in it. I was going through the motions to keep him happy but I never felt that longing to be a mother. I will never forget the day I asked dh to reassure me that if the fertility treatment didn't work that we would be ok and he said he wasn't able to say that as his desire to be a father was so profound. Crushed is the only word for how I felt. The guilt of my own lack of desire on top of the angst of IVF resulted in a very difficult time for me. Then to my amazement the 2nd IVF worked (proves that how much you want it is irrelevant!) and resulted in a healthy ds born shortly after my 40th birthday. I won't even bore you with the details of the stress and guilt throughout my pregnancy. I was so worried about my ability to be a mother. Ultimately I made the decision to keep my marriage. I have a feeling you'll know where I'm coming from with that.
I'm not going to pretend that I suddenly became earth mother of the year. I find it sometimes boring and all of the things the others have said on this thread before but here's the thing; I look at my son sometimes & feel like my heart could burst with the sheer love I feel for him. I'm glad I have had the opportunity to feel love on that level. I never ever felt a stirring of any sort for a child, they only ever irritated me but nature is a powerful force and although he drives me mental pretty much every day I still couldn't put my hand on my heart and say I regret him. (I won't be having another one tho!)
I wish you the very best of luck with your tough decisions & thanks ladies for the honesty on such a tricky topic!

First I want to say that I feel much admiration for all the posters here for their honesty. I've read through the posts and feel very moved by the stories and struggles. I'm 45 (in November) and have never had children for various reasons. I've sometimes wondered if I should have gone ahead and had a child. From about 38 to about a year ago, I really tried to find a nice guy who I could have kids with, but I was never convinced by the men I dated that they'd be supportive enough, and I didn't want to be a single Mum - not for any moral reason - just because I didn't think I could handle it without the right support!

Reading these posts makes me feel less of a freak because I too don't have much of a maternal instinct.

One thing I've always thought, is that maybe it's not natural for a Mother to be isolated and by herself with her baby. When I look at so called 'primitive' societies, the women seem to all hang out together sharing the responsibility collectively, and the babies and children know they can find support from women other than their own Mum. This must make it possible for Mums in this situation to have 'off' days, or weeks, or months even! It's like our society has overly sentimentalised the whole baby making thing. There's a hypocrisy at work here though, because if as a society we really were committed to bringing up children, there'd be more breaks for working Dads and more free support for women (work creches etc)

I agree with the posters who feel that although having babies has turned out to be un-fulfilling, they know they have to make the best of the situation, but there's so much brilliant advice here about how to make that bearable. Having suffered bouts of depression, my heart goes out to Mums here who are going through that exhausting and draining time when it feels like nothing will get better and something has been 'taken' from you

Here's a few lines from DH Lawrence's 'Shadows' written when he was suffering from incurable TB - (substitute 'man' for 'women'!)

'And if, in the changing phases of man?s life
I fall in sickness and in misery
my wrists seem broken and my heart seems dead
and strength is gone, and my life
is only the leavings of a life:

and still, among it all, snatches of lovely oblivion, and snatches of renewal
odd, wintry flowers upon the withered stem, yet new, strange flowers
such as my life has not brought forth before, new blossoms of me

then I must know that still
I am in the hands of the unknown God,
he is breaking me down to his own oblivion
to send me forth on a new morning, a new man'