Hate my life, hate myself, had thoughts

[Puffle]

I've posted before on the relationship forum and had some help a couple months ago.....

I thought I was strong but I'm not. I'm really weak. I try to please everyone but can't.

I've got nothing (apart from my beautiful DCs but feel I am a failure to them).

I feel so trapped in so many ways. I want to scream.

I think whats the point of life if's it's so damn hard? People would probably be better off without me.

I've failed in so many ways in my life - I'm just crap at it.

I'm 30 this year and have nothing to show for it. My two DCs have different dads, i'm fat, in massive debt, untidy, lazy, unsociable, hate me

Puffle you do have something to show for it, two beautiful dc.

Have you been to the GP? XXX

puffle im exactly the same when comes to having two kids with diff dads , im feelinhg fat and very untidy ha. but i am sociable so i think this is what actually keeps me same i make sure i go out with friends at least once a week, and you shoulkd go docs hun and tell him this , could it be postanat depresiion, either or they will hwlp you out and its a start xxxxxx

is your ex acomplete usual idiot like mine ha, i left mty bloke cus he was violent and gave me low confidencw which was reason i felt like you, but im only guessing i dont tknow what your story is xxxx

Well I don't know where to start really. My dad went to prison when I was 16 and sitting my GCSEs. My parents went bankrupt and lost our home around the same time.

I got pregnant at 18. Had a DS. His dad was way too immature (and still is) to cope with a child so we split, got a council flat and started seeing a bloke who I used to 'go out' with when I was about 17. He is now my P and we have a DD together.

We bought a house in 2004 together. Couldn't afford it and the debts just got way too out of hand. We now rent but even that's too expensive most months.

I helped my parents out by getting them loans and they've never paid me back for them.

I guess my P is a cause of a lot of these feelings. We've split up many times and I want to leave again but am finding it very very hard.

He has a temper, blows up over the smallest things. We have massive, screaming rows and afterwards he is all sorrys and apologises, saying he will get better. He likes a tidy house to say the least and I sometimes my standards don't come up to scratch. I could go on and on about P but I don't want to bore you.

My parents are about to be evicted from their house due to not being able to afford their rent. They both have really bad health and I'm worried about my dad's drinking.

I work for an accountant who is an awful person to work for. He's rude, sexist, smells bad and just makes my days even worse when I feel like this.

My kids fight and argue all the time and I feel like I just cannot cope!

I want to get into bed and stay there.

Not been to GP no, he probably hears this 100 times a day

My mum is amazing and when trying to leave she assures me that me and DCs can live with them again but now they are being evicted I won't have anywhere to go???

well it was and i was ready, mentally, and one night I woke up in a panic, having palpatations, gasping for breath, heaving (but not actually being sick) and P got up with me and calmed me down, he burst into tears saying "look what i've caused" etc and he promised to change, made loads of promises and I just felt too weak to leave. Felt like he could use that panic attack as a weapon and he could see how weak I am.

I've had another one since then whilst in Morrisons, it was awful.

He was back to normal within two weeks, I just smile now and make him feel like everything is fine. How pathetic .....

Thanks Dittany, yes I got the book. I'm too scared to keep it in the house though so trying to read it when my boss goes out or during lunch, not read that much of it yet though.

I look at people around me, families down the school, and am so jealous of them. They can smile and laugh as though they have not got a care in the world. Yet everything in my world seems to be broken

Do you know that for the last 3 days my kids have had super noodles for tea - god how awful is that..............

Puffle - it seems you have a lot going on and it is hard to try and break from the norm, super noodles will not do the children any harm, just make sure they get lots of fruit as and when.
I do not know what else to say, I am sure you are a great person and have just hit rock bottom, but the only way is up when you feel you can make some changes in your life you know it will be the right thing to do.

Don't compare yourself to other people you see around if you don't really know them. They could have problems and situations in their lives that you don't see. You have two dc's who love you, a job (albeit not a happy one!) and a roof over your head. I can understand that you are in a very difficult situation at the moment but you can have the courage to do something about it. As someone else has said, little steps at a time will make you feel like you are doing something about the situation. Bet your kids don't mind supernoodles for tea and at least you are feeding them something!! You are not pathetic, you are someone with lots of things going on in their life and doing your best to get through it!

Puffle you are a good Mum, your just having a bad time at the moment. Get your self down to the DRS and talk to them.

"Not been to GP no, he probably hears this 100 times a day". There you go, thinking about someone else, and sparing them, rather than thinking about yourself! I know, I did exactly the same. However, this is your life, and you deserve the chance to have someone listen to you. Besides, you pay your GP's salary, through your taxes. It's what they are there for. It's not easy to get through that door, I know, but you can get help with the panic attacks, and explain to your GP why they have come about. Having someone there to listen to you is an important step in starting to believe that you are important too. You are clearly a lovely person. You have helped your parents out lots, you love your kids, you have got a lot to give people - though you need to start by taking care of yourself.

Do go to the GP. S/he might not be any use, but it's worth a try. Do try to get out of the house too. A short walk every day can make a huge difference. Strangely, when suffering from depression, I also found that hoovering helped too. I tried to hoover just one room a day. It's the pits trying to get started, but once you have done one room, you can reward yourself with a well earned cup of tea (caffine free preferably with panic attacks).

HTH a bit.

It sounds as if you're coping with an awful situation at the moment.
Please stop being so hard on yourself - you are doing what you need to do to cope day to day.
I'd really like to offer you just a little practical advice....
Go to GP, explain what's going on for you at home and at work and get help. Accept the help offered.
Once you're feeling stronger - goto the local council offices, explain that you are in an abusive relationship and have nowhere else to go with your DC's; you need a safe home.
Write a CV - flounce up your experience as much as possible and post it on every job website...
jobserve
monster
jobsite
total jobs
(google will give you loads)
Most Family Law solicitors offer a free initial consultation and Legal Aid. Use those free consultations.

Pace yourself - prioritise the changes that you feel need to be made the most and concentrate on those 1st.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my problems. It is a comfort to know that there are many out there willing to offer support and advice.

I have woken up with a headache this morning. Everyday I wake up I feel like I have concrete blocks on my feet.

My docs opens at 8.30, I will ring them and make an appt. this scares me a bit if I'm honest. I'm not one to moan and feel guilty if I cry or feel sad. I watched Comic Relief a few weeks back and felt so awful for the way I feel when there are people suffering so much in other parts of the World. There are mums/dads on here with poorly DCs and my DCs are thankfully healthy, what a cheek I have!!!!

Puffle - hope you made that appointment. Please don't feel guilty and let the GP know exactly how you are feeling xxxxx

Hello Puffle,

Did you make an appointment?

Where are you? You sound like you could do with someone around.

Yes I have made an appointment, for 6 April. Unless you need an emergency appointment, you need to settle for one weeks away, I didn't want to say it was for an emergency because you have to give a brief description of your symptoms to the receptionists and I didn't feel comfortable doing that.

A few weeks ago I wrote all my feelings down and I have looked at it again (hid it in the lining of my handbag), I wrote some more things on it, would the Dr think I was silly if I showed this to him????

Dittany I do realise the connection between P having a big effect on me, but he also has a way of convincing me he will change time and time again, why can't I just learn the lesson???

I guess part of me wants to cling onto a 'happy families' thought not a 'broken familities' one and want it to be fixed IYSWIM??

I completely agree with dittany.

I would say you should show the list to the doctor - and also explain where you hid the list after writing it and why you felt you had to do that. I feel that is just as important.

You deserve to be happy, respected, looked after and have your needs met. You don't have to consider yourself lucky at all. Once you accept that you deserve these things - maybe the rest will fall into place?