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Mental health

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Original poster

I can't take much more

102 replies

annemarie30 · 04/02/2009 16:44

Having such a tough time right now..everything's going wrong and I just want to give up. We're in so much debt, dh is out of work and to top it all off I might lose my children. I have been diagnosed clinically depressed and everything is hard work right now. My house is a tip which is the main thing ss are complaining about. I'm trying to get back on top of the housework but I find it so hard to wake up let alone have energy to clean and look after the children.
Just feeling like everyone would be better if I wasn't here. I'm making such a mess of everything. DH keeps saying I'm useless(usually when we're arguing) and I'm starting to think he's right.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 04/02/2009 16:50

For starters your DH needs to stop reinforcing your negative view of yourself - how unhelpful is that!

You are everything to your DC, they would be devastated if you left. Really. Don't even consider doing that to them, please.

Debt is horrible but there are always solutions - have you been to CAB etc.?

If your DH is out of work, why isn't he helping you by tidying up the house? Kick his arse into gear!

keep going lovey, you'll come through.

(((hugs)))

ocdworry · 04/02/2009 16:55

Totally agree with Thumbwitch.

Many people feel that their house is a tip from time to time - don't think you're alone in that respect. There are lots of threads on Good Housekeeping like this which might help if you could give them a go. Exercise is supposed to really help - make sure you get out of the house and try to look up when you are out rather than at the pavement.

Good luck and keep going.

Original poster

annemarie30 · 04/02/2009 16:55

DH thinks of housework as my job..he's old fashioned. We are getting help from CAB but it semms such a longhaul getting sorted again.I just seem to keep getting everything wrong. I can't stop crying.

OP posts:

ocdworry · 04/02/2009 16:57

Are there any friends/relatives who could help you to sort the house out?

MitchyInge · 04/02/2009 16:57

are you in the midst of child protection proceedings, have you taken advice?

Original poster

annemarie30 · 04/02/2009 16:59

I hate asking for help from anyone. My parents have health problems so can't do much, in-laws won't help (they don't like me) and my sister has been talking about me behind my back telling people I'm a bad mum. So It's basically down to me.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 04/02/2009 17:05

annemarie30 - your DH might be old-fashioned but in that case he should be working. If he can't provide for his family in the old-fashioned way then he can get over his old-fashioned bollocks and get off his old-fashioned arse and do some old-fashioned bloody housework to help you out before you have an old-fashioned bloody breakdown!

Sorry - that is such a pathetic male cop-out that I can't stand it - how DARE he let you get into this state and not lift a finger to help you? Bloody outrageous. Feel free to show him this. I would like to be able to say it to his face.

Original poster

annemarie30 · 04/02/2009 17:11

He's out of work because he can't find a job..he goes to a jobsearch thing 3 times a week. But I agree he should help me and I've told him I need his help.
Mitchyinge- not cp yet but will be in a mattr of weeks if nothing improves. Phoning a solicitor tomorrow to get them to attend the network meeting next week. I'm terrified that they wll take the children into care. I love them so much.

OP posts:

ocdworry · 04/02/2009 17:13

Even though you hate asking for help from anyone that would surely be preferable to potentially losing your children? Everyone needs help from time to time. Are there no friends, acquaintances you could contact - do you belong to a church or anything similar?

Original poster

annemarie30 · 04/02/2009 17:17

No I don't go to church and my friends live a long way from me. The problem is with my depression I've isolated myself a lot so I don't really have anyone. I am so desperate not to lose my children. might try asking my neighbour to help me. She's very neat and tidy and we get on really well.

OP posts:

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 04/02/2009 17:18

does dh realise the seriousness of the threat of care proceedings?? are his old fashioned principles more important than helping to make the dcs home a good plasce for them to live and supporting you while you are depressed to keep the family together?? fgs. send him round and i'll have as word with him. . your dcs need you to keep your head above water. glad you're going to get some legal advice. ask solicitor to tell ss you want help please rather than criticism and to ask what services they propose to provide to help your family. good luck.

ocdworry · 04/02/2009 17:19

Good idea - do ask your neigbour soon - most people are more than happy to help. When you say you're making a mess of everything, that cannot be true. Try and remember the good things about yourself and what you have achieved. Have you any photos to remind you of happier times? Remember how you felt when your little ones were born.

MitchyInge · 04/02/2009 17:20

get them to spell out, in writing, EXACTLY what it is they want you to change - ask for help making those changes if you need to

ask for written report of outcome of each meeting you have, they really should be doing this anyway

express lots and lots of willingness to co-operate and find out if there is a FAST team in your area - might have a different name, they work very intensively with families with children on brink of being taken into care but you may have to push for a referral

good luck

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 04/02/2009 17:22

that sounds a really good idea. ask her now!

MitchyInge · 04/02/2009 17:23

are you getting support for yourself from CMHT, such as a cpn or mental health social worker? they can sometimes attend meetings and advocate for you as well possibly arranging support worker to help on a practical level

Original poster

annemarie30 · 04/02/2009 22:29

Yes I have been referred to CMHT and a cpn came to see me but we didn't get much time to talk because DCs were here. The solicitor we are going to speak to is someone I know and trust.
I don't think DH realised until we spoke to the sw today that they are serious about the children being removed if things stay as they are. I told him in front of the sw that he has to help me because it might not seem a big task but it is for me right now. I am so tired and I need his help. I just don't know how else to get it across to him.

OP posts:

MitchyInge · 04/02/2009 23:36

I really hope you get the help you need and your husband starts to be a bit more supportive - keep us posted if it helps

katyamum · 04/02/2009 23:44

I'm sorry you're having a terrible time of it. My sister went through an identical thing a few years ago. There's nothing wrong with being diagnosed as clinically depressed. And if you follow the advice of the drs and take anti-depressants ie. you seek to get better, then you are showing your willingness to comply with advice and this will stand you in good stead vis-a-vis your DC. I hope you feel the benefit of anti-depressants soon.
Don't worry too much about the mess. IT will improve as you improve. And things will get better. SOmetimes things have to be very bad in order to get better.
Try to seek help from your neighbour if that is a good idea. Just take each day as it comes. You need to be strong, and that might mean being selfish for a while. BUt if that's waht it takes toget you back on track, then that's waht it takes. My sister was in hospital twice over a period of 6 months and we nearly lost her. She got divorced, but is now well and her depression is properly controlled and life seems sunny again. It will get better for you too. x

Original poster

annemarie30 · 05/02/2009 07:14

I've just read through the chronology the sw left yesterday and I'm a terrible mother. Maybe the children would be better in care than with me.

OP posts:

MitchyInge · 05/02/2009 07:41

That sounds like your depression talking, and it's not true. Of course your children are better off with you. The sw has probably also identified some strengths which you can build on, I can see loads in your posts - you love your children, you are motivated to get help, you're not just letting it all wash over you, you are doing what you can to improve things.

Will you see your neighbour today and ask her if she can give you a hand tidying up?

Original poster

annemarie30 · 05/02/2009 08:05

I will ask her today. I've got DS1 (11) home still so I am trying to be careful how muchh he sees of this. He's so worried anyway. H is still asleep and I have to go out and take DS2 to nursery soon. Just want to go back to bed but too much to do.
Some of the stuff in the chronology is saying that DS2 is running around without a tshirt or socks but I've tried telling sw that he just takes them off even if i keep putting them back on. I can't get anyone to see things from my point of view. They all think I'm a bad mum and it's so draining. I didn't sleep well last night. Kept looking at DD and thinking that she won't be here soon.

OP posts:

iLikeDots · 05/02/2009 08:18

Please Please DON"T GIVE UP annemarie. I was diagnosed with clinical depression 13 yrs ago and still have it. You really have to keep pushing through it.

Don't worry about having an untidy house - we all have from time to time. I agree with mitchy, it's your depression talking.

You need to see your GP and show willingness to control your depression. SS will see that as a positive move.

I have recently left my partner as he has been emotionally abusing me for years i.e saying I'm a bad mum, stopping me from seeing friends, calling the police on me etc.

My DD has seen all of this. The fact you care so much for your DC's is proof enough that you are a good mum.

I agree CAB is a good way to go. Also if you need to talk about anything i have phoned Samaritans a few times and found them excellent.

Good idea to ask your neigbour to help you out. It will make you feel like you are doing something positive.

MitchyInge · 05/02/2009 08:53

Good luck today, people don't think you are a bad mum, they think you are having difficulty coping and who wouldn't, with all that going on?

Original poster

annemarie30 · 05/02/2009 09:14

Thankyou so much for being so nice to me. Going to try to get myself organised today, just taking small steps at a time. DH has taken DS2 to nursery and DS1 is tidying his room so I'm going to get started on the mountain of clothes I need to sort while DD is eating breakfast.

OP posts:

LucyEllensmummy · 05/02/2009 09:37

I just wanted to add my support annie.

I am that the sw felt the need to write about lack of t-shirt and socks - and the problem is? My DD often runs around at home with JUST a t shirt - no socks, feet like ice cubes. Sometimes she does NAKED!!

Apart from threatening to take your children away , have they offered you any concrete help?? Do you have a homestart in your area - they are there to help people just like you, well parents in general actually - if you have LOs under five then they will be able to help - ask your sw about this.

Is your DH getting any help for his mental state just now? Men are so stubborn and often wont admit to needing help. He absolutely should be helping out in the house. It would be very easy to get on my high horse about the housework not being your job but if thats the roles you have both adhered to in the past it will be a difficult thing to break for him. I guess you just have to appeal to him to help you, little girl lost sort of thing. I know this sounds outrageous but actually, he NEEDS a role. I am sorry about the work situation, that must be very worrying for you and he must feel like a failure. He isn't, and helping out with the housework wont make him less of a "man" it just means he is helping you out - him being at home will generate more mess. etc. Perhaps he would benefit from some counselling himself?

The debt thing is shit - shit shit shit, i know Have you got help with this? Who are your creditors? If there is one thing i have learnt is TALK to them, make them aware of your situation, offer token payments to keep them quiet in the mean time, by token payment i mean as little as £5 a month, if that - if they are debt companies they HAVE to accept this. Speak to the CAB.

I know how much the housework can just drag you down - i suffer with depression and that is the first thing to go. My house is a generalised shit hole anyway - im pretty sure if SS came and did an inspection they would be horrified. But tough shit, so my house is a pit, my DD is happy - sometimes i call her my urchin child, because she has an aversion to washing and tend to be a mum who will just make sure she is adequately dressed, so often there is a mismatch of scruffy clothes and a dirty face - last time i checked, none of these things equaled child abuse!!

I wish you and your family all the luck in the world. Do try not to take your DHs lack of motivation too personally, he needs a boot up his backside yes, but its sooo difficult when the financial big bad wolf is at the door.

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